In this sermon, Pastor Joe Babij examines Colossians 3:21 and the apostle Paul’s exhortation there as to how parents and especially fathers should live Spirit-filled, Word-filled lives in relation to their children.
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Summary
We are reminded of the God-given responsibility fathers carry in the spiritual and emotional leadership of their homes, drawn from Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4. The call is clear: fathers must not exasperate or discourage their children, but instead bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Key Lessons:
- Fathers bear primary responsibility for the discipline, governance, and spiritual training of their children — a role they cannot delegate to their wives or the church.
- Exasperating children — through inconsistent rules, unreasonable expectations, neglect, abuse, or absence — destroys their spirit and closes their hearts to both their earthly father and their heavenly Father.
- Biblical discipline is not harsh control but a structured, loving, consistent environment with clear rules, known penalties, and abundant encouragement — modeled after how God himself parents his children.
- Faithful parenting plants seeds, but only God can change a child’s heart; parents must trust in his sovereignty while remaining diligent in their calling.
Application: Fathers are called to examine their homes honestly — establishing clear, consistent rules with known consequences, pursuing spiritual leadership rather than abdicating it, and building an atmosphere of love, security, and encouragement where children flourish.
Discussion Questions:
- In what areas of spiritual leadership in your home might you be tempted to abdicate responsibility to your spouse or others — and what is one step you could take to lead more faithfully?
- Reflecting on the list of things children wish their fathers had done differently, which items convict you most, and what would it look like to change course?
- How does understanding God as a perfect Father — full of grace, peace, love, and discipline — shape the way you think about your own role as a parent?
Scripture Focus: Colossians 3:21 — the command not to exasperate children; Ephesians 6:4 — the parallel call to raise children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord; Deuteronomy 6 — fathers as the primary teachers of God’s ways in everyday life; Proverbs — wisdom on discipline, the rod, and training children in the way they should go.
Outline
- Introduction
- Why Paul Addresses Fathers Specifically
- The Negative Imperative: Do Not Exasperate
- What Exasperated Children Feel
- Common Causes of Exasperation: Underdiscipline and Inconsistency
- Parental Responsibility and God’s Sovereignty
- More Causes of Exasperation
- The Positive Imperative: Bring Them Up
- Practical Steps for Faithful Fathers
- Conclusion: The Legacy of a Faithful Father
Introduction
Amen. And we need to keep them alive too, amen.
All right, Colossians 3. Let’s take our Bibles and turn there, Colossians 3. If you’ve been wondering where Pastor Dave is, he’s on vacation for another couple weeks and he’s enjoying the nice warm California sun this week.
Colossians 3. I’ve been reading from verse 18 to verse 20: “Wives, be subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart.
Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily as for the Lord rather than for men.
Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance, it is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality.”
Let’s pray. Father, this morning again we thank you for the word of God. We thank you that we’re able to have it in our own hands, and thank you, Lord, we’re able to hear it, and we are actually able by the spirit of God to do it.
I pray that we would, Lord, be able to carry out the word of God every single day of our life, and I pray that you would be honored as we grow and mature in Christ. Lord, get us out of the baby nursery and get us back on our feet as young men, and let us start walking like spiritual fathers.
I pray that for all of us in Christ. I ask it, amen.
I’m going to focus, as I did last time, on one specific passage of scripture, verse 21 of Colossians 3. Before I get there, I want you to notice the first word there. It says, “Fathers. Fathers.”
Last Lord’s day we learned that children who are controlled by the spirit and are word-filled need to be aware of their responsibility in their action to be obedient to parents, and in their attitude to honor them. Because that is really a place of blessing, that’s where God is honored the most, and that’s where the person themselves is honored the most.
This Lord’s day I’m concerned to show how important fathers are to the leadership of their families. Now let me read a quote that brings to the mind of fathers the awesome responsibility and power they actually have over their children.
It says this: “Men, the mere fact of fatherhood has endowed you with terrifying power in the lives of your sons and daughters, because they have an innate, God-given passion for you. The terrible fact is, we can either grace our children or damn them.”
So men, as fathers, you have such incredible power, and you will have this power until you die. In a sense, fathers have the power of life and death concerning their families.
“Fathers have such incredible power, and they will have this power until they die — the power of life and death concerning their families.”
So fathers are called to be loving leaders, and leadership in the home means seeing that all members of the family are cared for. Physical welfare, their food, clothing, shelter, all of what is ordinarily called necessities, must be provided for.
Yet if we were to put a finger on a principal area of failure among fathers, or potential failure, it would be in the area of spiritual leadership in the home. The father who abdicates his responsibility for spiritual discipline and training of his children to his wife is putting her in a place where she is not able to bear that alone.
If this is the case, she finds it necessary to say to her husband more often than she would like, “Honey, let’s go to Sunday school, let’s go to church as a family, let’s read the Bible, let’s pray.” Leadership in these things often is driven by the wife rather than the husband.
However, this role reversal brings with it dire consequences. Because children learn largely by example, they learn that the church is for women, they learn that they can do without it, they learn that Christianity is not a very manly religion, and conclude that it is fine for little children and women, but men can take it or leave it.
Now yes, Christ is presented in scripture as a real man, the very God that he is. Jesus experienced the blessing of a quality life, where I ended last time saying, “Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men.”
Christianity is actually a manly religion. It has a savior who was so much a man that he died. He did not fear death. He went to the cross to bear the guilt and penalty and wrath of God in the place of his people.
He was a man, a man who loved so dearly that he was willing to give his life for his people, the church. Those who put their faith and trust in him find life through his death.
So fathers who seek to imitate Christ’s loving leadership must be real men who are willing to do what they must to be examples of Christ to their families. Mothers who take seriously their responsibility to see to it children are properly trained will be a blessing to all.
Now we all know that doesn’t happen perfectly, that happens with a lot of flaws. But it can happen as one becomes a Christian and has the Holy Spirit of God and the word of God in their hand.
From last week, the most basic obligation children have toward their parents is that of obedience. It is about children acquiring the knowledge to live wisely, and experiencing, when they do, the blessing of a quality life. Fathers have a lot to do with a child’s quality of life.
Why Paul Addresses Fathers Specifically
Now as we come to our text this morning, this Lord’s day, questions actually arise immediately from the passage. I want you to notice chapter 3, verse 21. It says this, fathers.
So the questions are: Why did the Apostle Paul address fathers? Why didn’t he address mothers also? After all, don’t mothers from the earliest time in the child’s life bear more time and influence on them than fathers do?
Now we can answer that question, yes. However, there are at least two reasons why the Apostle Paul addresses specifically fathers. He does it here and he also does it in the parallel verse in Ephesians 6.
Fathers as God’s Ordained Head of the Home
And the reason, the first thing, is this: discipline and governance of the home is given to the father. The first reason is that fathers are God’s ordained head of the home and are the ones whom God has vested his authority for discipline and the proper training of the children.
Now even when the Apostle Paul addresses pastors, young pastors, he says in 1 Timothy that there’s a very high standard. I believe that this standard should be a standard for all men. What is the standard?
In 1 Timothy 3:4, it says he must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity. And then it says this: if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?
If he can’t do the little league, how can he do the big league? Well, all men need to know how to do the little league, which would be their family. There’s a number of ways in which they might manage their own households, yet in all, fathers must be in control and be aware of everything that happens in the home.
“A man who does not know how to manage his own household — how will he take care of the church of God?”
God holds him responsible. For example, in the passage we read this morning in Deuteronomy 6, fathers are directed by God in that passage as the ones who must answer questions to their children when they’re asked.
Teaching Children Every Day
In addition, they must teach their children about God, about his commands, about his ordinances, and whatever else his word says about what he requires. It’s done in a formal way and also in an informal way, but most of the instruction is done in an informal way.
As it’s addressed in the passage in Deuteronomy 6, where it says: “And you shall teach them diligently to your sons, and you shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”
This is what a father does as he’s moving around through his day and his kids are following him around. He’s teaching them about the Lord, he’s teaching about relationships, he’s teaching them about sin, he’s teaching them about God’s redemption.
It’s done on a normal basis, like driving in the car, sitting at a restaurant, wherever you are, sitting on your couch at home. He’s instructing. He’s not necessarily getting out a book and saying, “Get your pen and fill in the blanks.” No, he’s showing them by example. It’s a constant conversation and example every day for the rest of your life.
“He’s teaching them about the Lord, about relationships, about sin, about God’s redemption — on a normal basis, like driving in a car or sitting at home.”
The first thing is this: the father is finally responsible for what happens and what doesn’t happen in the home. That means he’s given the discipline and governance of the home. That’s all given to the father.
The Negative Imperative: Do Not Exasperate
A second thing we find in our passage is that the duty of the father is expressed in a negative imperative. This is the second reason that is found in our text why Paul addresses fathers. It is a negative, and it is what fathers are not to do.
Now I want you to see what it says here in Colossians 3:21. It says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” That’s pretty direct, and it’s directed at fathers.
The word exasperate actually means, in a bad sense here, to make resentful, to irritate, to rouse to anger. You think fathers have the ability to do that? You better believe they do. But sometimes they do it and they don’t know they’re doing it.
The passage of scripture here says, fathers, you better know whether you’re doing this and when you’re not doing this, because it means everything concerning the child and their future, and how they’re going to look at a family, how they’re going to look at life, how they’re going to look at the world.
If this action is in progress, the Apostle is saying, stop it, discontinue it. It seems it is not uncommon for fathers to fall into this kind of pattern of relating to their children.
In fact, in Colossians, they were very influenced by the Roman government, and the Roman principle was called Patria Potestas. It meant that fathers had unfettered authority and power in dealing with their children in any manner they wished.
However, we see here in this passage the transformative nature of the teaching of the gospel, that reminded Christian fathers that God has established boundaries for the use of their authority that God has delegated to them from heaven.
“Fathers are to exemplify before their children how the heavenly Father treats his children — with mercy, grace, love, and discipline.”
Fathers are to exemplify before their children how the heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ already treats their children. How do they do that? With mercy, with grace, and with love, and yes, with discipline.
Even if we go back to the first couple verses of Colossians, we find right in verse 2 it says, “To the saints and faithful brethren in Christ who are at Colossae, grace to you and peace from God the Father.” This grace and peace is from the Father.
Having God as Father only comes by having Jesus as Savior and Lord. Christians are children of God and therefore have a new Father, the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, who loves them and provides everything for them, giving them everything for life and godliness.
Now let me mention again the parallel passage in Ephesians 6:4, where it says simply this: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” Paul uses in Colossians the word to exasperate, and in Ephesians he uses the word anger.
Putting these two passages of scripture together, we get a fuller picture. A father must guard against allowing either themselves, their wives, or any other person in the family or outside the family to provoke their children to anger. He is to guard them in that way.
False Teaching and the Christian Home
And this includes, from Colossians, remember Colossians is about exposing false teachers. This has to do with false teaching too. Because in the backdrop of this bad behavior of fathers is the teaching of the false teachers that could be supporting this harsh treatment.
And remember the two greatest failures of the teaching of Colossians were its disparaging of Christ and therefore distorting the Christian life. So if teaching dethroned Christ, it not only robs him of his rightful place of preeminence but it distorts all the foundational doctrines of the Christian faith and of the Christian life.
And the Christian life becomes merely a set of man-made rules and regulations with no spiritual power and no ability to deal with the sin nature, to put sin to death. So false teachers and their teaching, if acted upon, will lead people into becoming grace abusers and grace killers.
“If teaching dethroned Christ, it distorts all the foundational doctrines of the Christian faith and of the Christian life.”
A grace killer is someone who’s a legalist. Too many rules, and they opt for giving a list of dos and don’ts, not only to be accepted by your father but to be accepted by God. They don’t really leave room for gray areas. Fellowship is based on whether they’re in full agreement with the right standards. That’s more important, and relationships are less important.
Also, there are those who are grace abusers. They give license to people. Very few rules, do what you want, no boundaries. So they go too far and set aside all self-control. They take liberty to such an extreme that they begin serving sin again.
So as I mentioned last time, the fifth commandment puts parents in the place in which they are personifying godly character before their children. Then fathers should not be a stumbling block before their children by giving them the impression that if they cannot please their earthly father, how in the world are they going to please the heavenly father? That’s a very bad impression.
What Exasperated Children Feel
What is the reason in Colossians for this command to fathers? Well, look again with me at the passage, because it gives us the reason. Notice what it says in Colossians 3:21. It says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart.”
So that they will not lose heart. The phrase means don’t take the wind out of their sails. It further means to have no spirit or courage, to be disheartened, dispirited, or broken in spirit. We can just use the basic word: to discourage them.
“Do not exasperate your children — don’t take the wind out of their sails, leaving them disheartened, dispirited, or broken in spirit.”
It is when a child loses the will to please his or her parents, giving up on and writing off their parents’ discipline in disgust. So what causes exasperated children to turn their backs on their parents and to close their ears and their minds and even their hearts to their parents?
It’s the wrong kind of discipline. It’s the wrong kind of teaching. Children feel that they cannot please their parents, or their father specifically, and they quickly give up trying, choosing rather to be silent.
But often when they’re silent, bitterly they conform to the expectations that are expected of them, counting the days or the years until they can be free of his tyranny. Or they just openly rebel.
We’ve all seen this happen, right? It could even have happened in your own personal family. I think all of us, as I was even studying this passage of scripture, remember things in our own lives in which we and our fathers didn’t always get along. And when we didn’t get along, or I heard him and my mom arguing about something, it kind of turned me off and I started withdrawing. I’m sure there are many examples we can give when we deal with our parents, how we felt about them.
So what would our adult children say about us? Would they say, “You never talked with me, you never were there for me, you never kept your word, you didn’t listen to me when I was speaking, you were always yelling at me, you didn’t understand what I was going through”?
“Often you only loved me when I made you look good. You were never satisfied. I never heard, ‘Dad, you were proud of me.’ You always sat in front of some media and didn’t pay attention to what was going on. You embarrassed me in front of my friends.”
“You never touched or hugged me. You and mom were always fighting and arguing. You didn’t trust me. You didn’t let me make my decisions when I was mature enough to do so. You were always at work, hardly ever home. You never took time to have fun with me.”
“You said mean things that I’ll never forget. You told me I’d never amount to anything. You made my life actually miserable. You were too rigid and unreasonable. You never helped me feel good about myself. You told me to do things that you wouldn’t do. And then in the end, when I needed you, you left.”
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want those things being said about me by my kids. I’m sure there are some in there they could say things about you and me. All right, this is all placed in scripture on the father.
“All of this is placed in scripture on the father.”
Common Causes of Exasperation: Underdiscipline and Inconsistency
What are some common sense causes that could exasperate children? Now, not necessarily mentioned in our text, but I’m saying common sense. Well, here’s the first one. How about underdiscipline? Unannounced rules that are made known only after the child has broken them provoke exasperation.
When rules change day by day, a child doesn’t know where they stand. When rules are enforced only at the whims of the parents, the child becomes confused, because that kind of rule is not really a rule. Unclear rules and penalties are usually unknown. That exasperates children.
Kids finally throw up their hands and say, “What’s the use in trying to keep the rules? You never know what they are.”
Or inconsistent discipline. Today I got away with breaking the rules, yesterday I was overly punished for breaking the rules, what’s going to happen tomorrow? Frustrating, unpredictable parents. Parents, you need to be predictable. Your kid should know what you’re about, how you’re going to respond.
Young people want rules. They want to know where the limits are. Here’s some counsel, some things that I’ve learned. The father should sit down with his wife, the mother of his children, and they should come up with a set of rules and at the same time the punishment for breaking those rules.
Then sit your kids down, age appropriate, and communicate to them the rules and the punishment for breaking them. Why do you do that? So that they will know ahead of time just what will happen. Then the parents are to be consistent in enforcing them.
Parents, if you are inconsistent and undependable, you will be disobeying this very command in the text. Especially fathers: fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. If you do not keep that, then you will be paving the road for them to potentially be provoked in exasperation and anger towards you and your wife.
“If you are inconsistent and undependable, you will be disobeying this very command: fathers, do not exasperate your children.”
It’s really better when you’re bringing up kids to have fewer rules, formulated specifically around obedience, the action of obedience, and the attitude that should accompany obedience. For instance, let’s make a rule. When the dad and the mom tell the child, “When I call you, you are to come at the first call.” That’s obedience, and if you do, you will do well.
But if you don’t come when called the first time, that’s disobedience. If disobedience comes to light, then the child is told that the penalty will be that they will meet the parent at their bedroom door, and then they will receive inside the bedroom, in a controlled way, three swats with the rod of correction applied to their hind end. That’s pretty simple to understand, isn’t it? I think all kids could understand that.
When I first started doing this with our kids, I didn’t know what I was doing. But at that point I started studying the book of Proverbs, and from Proverbs came very good instruction on what to do, and I began to apply this to all our kids. My wife and I were amazed how quickly they learned and they stopped the behavior that we wanted them to stop.
But as a pastor, I have sat down with people about these very biblical principles, shown them all the text that the Bible says, and they say, “Oh, I couldn’t do that.” And some even say, “That’s child abuse.” I don’t think so. This is wisdom that comes from heaven to the parents. And believe me, if you get your children to listen to your voice early, when they become teenagers they won’t be exasperated.
So if the child does not obey the parent the first time, according to the established rule and penalty, if they don’t obey, who’s in charge? The parent or the child? I tell you what, when your kids don’t obey you, you’re no longer in charge. They’re in charge. You have given them authority that they don’t know how to handle.
You can teach discipline better with one rule properly enforced than with fifteen rules that you never really follow up on. Once you get a result from one rule, then you can add a second rule. That’s I think the best way to do it.
God’s Pattern: Clear Rules and Known Penalties
I know that even some counselors have written books on that as the best way to do it. In fact, the example we have about that principle is the Lord God himself.
How do I know that? The Lord only gave ten commandments for all of life. Only ten. And they’re very short, some of them. They were to be taught, they were to be memorized, and they were to be lived out. If they were taught, memorized, and lived out today, there would be a lot less war and a lot more peace with people.
In the garden of Eden there was just one rule for Adam and Eve. Obedience centered around that particular rule, and the penalty was also clearly spelled out. Adam and Eve were told not to eat of that tree. All the rest of the trees were theirs, but this one tree was off limits.
Listen to what it says. They had one rule. Genesis 2:16 says, “The Lord commanded the man saying, from any tree of the garden you may eat freely, but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat.” What was the penalty? He spelled it out very clearly: “For the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”
So long before the sin, God said don’t. But if you do, this will be the consequences. When it happened, God followed through, and man died and plunged the whole human race into sin through the fall. It was one act of disobedience to God, with a very clear rule and the penalty of breaking that rule, and we suffer that consequence today.
Genesis 2:16: “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely, but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat. — Genesis 2:16”
The same is true when the Israelites went into the promised land. God’s rules and penalties and rewards were made very, very clear. If you read through the Old Testament, you’re going to find there’s a chapter about the mount of blessing and the mount of cursing. The people would read the blessing and then they would go back and forth and read the blessings and the cursings.
Why do they do that? So they would know what are the blessings, and if I break the blessings and don’t keep God’s commands, here are the curses. The blessings of God were spelled out for obedience and the curses for disobedience, plainly listed. All was laid out ahead of time.
This is God’s pattern. God told them that if they sin they would be scattered among the nations. He told them about the awful siege of the city, that it would be destroyed. He told them all these things long before they entered into the promised land. They knew exactly what penalties were to be and what was to come about if they kept them and if they broke them.
Parental Responsibility and God’s Sovereignty
The people failed to obey God’s clear command, and when they did, God followed through with the curses. When our children disobey, that’s very painful. One thing that we cannot do is manipulate their will in the sense where we can make them do what we want them to do. They have their own will, they have their own personality.
Much of the sorrow that we experience as parents of wayward children comes from the self-doubt and guilt that we are prone to feel when there are failures in our children. We ask questions like, what did we do wrong? Did I love him or her too much or not enough? What did we say or fail to say that would have turned his or her heart towards us and towards God?
John MacArthur said this when he was writing about children: “Equipping a child with spiritual truth is no guarantee he or she will follow Christ. I know many diligent parents and grandparents whose hearts have been broken by a family member’s rejection of Christ. We can only plant the seeds by teaching and living out the truth. How they respond is out of our hands.”
Now, as truthful as that is, it is as painful as it is truthful. From the standpoint of human responsibility, both parents and children make choices for which we are held accountable. Ultimately, however, we must rely on God to do in our lives and in the lives of our children what we are unable to do ourselves.
What does it say in Psalm 127:1? “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” The Lord has to pour out just as much grace to save children from a believing family as an unbelieving family.
Psalm 127:1: “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.”
We parents are not in control of our children’s destiny. Our power is limited to creating an environment where faith can grow. While we can encourage our children to hunger for wisdom’s feast, we cannot make that choice for them. Only the sovereign Lord can change a child’s heart.
“We can encourage our children to hunger for wisdom’s feast, but we cannot make that choice for them. Only the sovereign Lord can change a child’s heart.”
Our children are sinners by nature. Biblically speaking, there are no good kids. We may assume that our children are good because they aren’t in serious trouble and they are reasonably compliant, but such an assessment is based on outward behavior and not the inner heart.
As much as we want to believe that our children are good, it will only be from a human standpoint. You’re good, but you’re not as bad as that other person, so I guess you’re good. But we need to realize that ultimately the question of goodness doesn’t have to do with what we perceive or think, but whether our child truly has received Christ as his or her own Lord and savior.
Much grace is available in a Christian home. If a father is following the word of God in his Christian home, he will be the authority. There will be rules, boundaries, and penalties for breaking those rules. But along with that there will be a lot of love, confidence built into the child, security, and even going with that, a lot of fun.
You just enjoyed life. Nobody was perfect in that situation, but you just put God’s principles into practice and you saw them work.
More Causes of Exasperation
Now what are some other causes that could lead to the exasperation of children? I had to think about some of these things. Being overly strict to control your child, you’re more like a policeman and rarely give your children freedom.
Also, elevating expectations that are not appropriate to the child’s makeup or age, always pushing for achievement and making the child reach goals or do things that are beyond their ability. When they keep failing to reach the goals of the parents’ expectations, the child concludes, “I can do nothing for them that will be enough.” That’s exasperation. They don’t understand me.
Unjust rules and penalties or responsibilities laid upon a child. What about unreasonableness? A parent who is unwilling to hear his child’s case. Instead, as children grow older, parents should allow them to explain their position. It may be valid, it may not be valid. They may deserve punishment, but they also may be right.
I grew up in a home where the kids were not to speak when the adults were around. Did you grow up in a home like that? A strong Catholic Polish home. So I didn’t say much around the adults, and if I did say things around the adults, I better duck, because I would get it.
My parents weren’t biblical Christians; they had no knowledge of those things. In the end I had a great relationship with my parents. My father came to know the Lord, my mother came to know the Lord. It was just a long process.
You have to listen to your kids. When they get to a certain point, you have to listen to them. They may even be more reasonable than you sometimes.
Comparison to other siblings. Don’t do that, ever. Why aren’t you like your brother or sister? Don’t do that. Each child is uniquely made different by God. Parents should nurture them based on who they are, their talents, their gifts, their physical and intellectual abilities, and also their bents towards sin.
Children are created so different. One doesn’t sin the way the other one sins, but they both sin. You can’t treat them alike in that way. If you do, you’re going to break their spirit, because they will never be their brother and sister.
“Each child is uniquely made different by God. Parents should nurture them based on who they are — their talents, gifts, abilities, and bents toward sin.”
What about divided authority? Mothers and fathers who disagree on various rules and penalties in the home have two different ideas about punishment. Where does it result? In unagreed rules and unagreed penalties. When they disagree, nothing ever happens; they never carry anything out.
What actually happens is chaos and confusion. Children are smart enough to know that when their parents are in disagreement, they learn how to get their own way by setting one parent against another. They’re smart.
What about abuse of any type? Physical, verbal, or mental abuse should never be in the home. Have you ever heard of discipline by decibels? Another way of saying it is yelling. It really just creates frustration and chaos for all.
The parent uses decibels to get attention and increases the volume until the child finally complies. The child concludes, “I don’t have to obey mommy and daddy till they put on their mad voice.” Your children know your voice, right? They know when you’re being funny and serious. They know when you’re at the point where they better come or else.
But if your children are not obeying the first time, you’re not in control. If you have to yell, you’re not in control. They’re in control.
What about the lack of the father’s love and nurture? Not being an example, always withholding your approval and encouragement, only telling your child when they’re wrong, never when they did something right.
And then there’s another one: neglect. No boundaries, no love, which leads to no confidence and security. Neglect for sure will spell trouble. King David neglected Absalom his son, and Absalom became a great heartbreak in David’s life.
Parents really can’t afford the price of being so busy that we don’t have time for our kids. That is the negative part of a father. But there is a positive part.
The Positive Imperative: Bring Them Up
Paul did not bring it up in Colossians; he brought it up in Ephesians. The positive duty of a father is also expressed with a positive imperative. What is that positive imperative?
The imperative is in Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, don’t provoke them to anger.” Colossians says: “Don’t exasperate them.” But bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord.
Pretty simple there. Parents are responsible to humbly honor the Lord and faithfully obey his word in training their children. Although it is true that God doesn’t absolutely guarantee success in the response to our faithful parenting, the Bible makes it very clear that parents are responsible to train their children according to God’s principles. That is their job.
“Parents are responsible to train their children according to God’s principles. That is their job.”
The first one is to bring them up. That simply means to feed them, to nourish them, to bring them up in a good, wholesome environment. In bringing them up in that environment, use your power to direct your children so they don’t, and you don’t leave it for someone else.
Use your power to restrain them in a calm, controlled, and respectful manner. Use your power to test and judge them, to be fair and balanced with them.
Discipline and Instruction in the Lord
Secondly, from our text, you’re to discipline them. Education by means of discipline, training by verbal reproof or argument. That means also applying to their gluteus maximus the needed pressure to get them to listen to your voice, because a child by nature is sin bound.
A father needs to reprove his child from errors. We are to diligently discipline our kids in the hope that God will work through our discipline and nurture them and draw them to the Lord Jesus Christ someday.
This Hebrew word in the Old Testament for discipline is really the discipline or training of the individual in areas where he or she is unruly and does not want to be told. A parent should know those areas.
He’s to instruct them, to train them, to discipline them, to correct them, and many times to do that with the rod when they are younger. If a parent uses the rod, applied in a very controlled and safe and consistent way to the gluteus maximus of the child, the child will listen to the voice of the parents and they will become obedient, and they will do it quicker than you think.
“A father needs to reprove his child from errors, disciplining in the hope that God will work through that nurture to draw them to the Lord Jesus Christ.”
As they get older you have to change your methods of instruction and admonition and discipline. When you do that, you learn a child well enough to know what they like and what they don’t like. When they don’t obey you, you take away what they like.
Like on a nice beautiful day they want to go outside and play. You say, come over here, sit by the table. You weren’t treating your sister nicely, and you broke one of our rules. Let’s sit down here. Five hundred times you’re going to write straight across on that line: I will be kind and nice to my sister. Something like that.
If you go off that line you have to start all over again. When I did that the first time with our kids, the line started getting like going south, and I said, well, what happened to that line? I had to change that up a little bit.
But it works. You have to know your children and you have to learn how to use those things in a very good way, to be able to adjust them and direct them in the right manner. A child is somebody that you have to apply the force necessary to cause them to follow your verbal instructions.
You also have to apply the pressure to hold them back from what they would do if they were left to their own desires. If you said to your kids, listen, make your own meal, eat what you want, what are they going to eat? Chips and soda, right?
If they continue to do that, their health is not going to do so well. But sometimes that’s the freedom that parents give their kids in all areas, and it doesn’t work well for them in the future. It really does not.
The Bible says, “Discipline your son and he will give you rest, he will delight your heart.” Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son while there is hope and do not desire his death.” Proverbs 23:13: “Do not hold back discipline from your child. Although you beat him with the rod, he will not die.”
The Lord encourages us to train our children, because we might be the very means he will use to rescue our children from destruction and protect them from the foolishness that already resides in their own heart.
Not only are we to bring them up and discipline them, we are also to instruct them. In Ephesians, to instruct means the instruction of the Lord. Or by means of, like it says in Proverbs 29:17: “Correct your son and he will give you comfort, he will also delight your soul.”
Parents have accountability to develop in their children a taste for righteousness, to develop in their child a submissive and respectful demeanor, to discipline the will toward obedience. As a parent does that, they’re observing their kids, they’re understanding that they have a fallen nature and that they’re going to sin.
Knowing Your Child and Steering Toward Righteousness
They’re observing their child’s way, like it says in Proverbs. There’s a way, all right, that word “derek” is used all over the place in Proverbs. All right, there’s a certain way about each child. There are certain bents towards sin, there are certain bents towards righteousness, there are certain gifts and abilities. You’re recognizing this.
When a child grows older, you can give them some counsel on what they should do. Maybe a child says, “I want to go to college,” and you say to them, “I think that you are so skilled with your hands, college is not going to be a good place for you. You need to go to trade school, because you can use those skills in a better way, to be a plumber or electrician or something else, and not college.”
We know a lot of college kids today. They graduate with a degree and they’re working at Starbucks and McDonald’s. It seems like some of the jobs are drying up.
You’re steering your child away from their natural bents to sin, and you want to build up godly character. You want to teach your children wisdom from the word of God. You want to instill dignity and respect in them, that they would increase in knowledge and stature and in favor with God and men.
“Steer your child away from their natural bents to sin — build up godly character, teach wisdom from the word of God, instill dignity and respect.”
You want to try to remove all tendencies to prejudice. Where it says in Titus, to speak evil of no one, to love people, to treat people no matter who they are, where they come from, how they look, how they’re dressed, what they eat, what culture they have, to treat them with respect. Because respect will get you a lot of ground to bringing the gospel to them, right?
Even though there is no easy method to ensure well-balanced children, parents are like farmers. Parenting is plowing and digging and raking and planting. It’s weeding and cultivating and irrigating and then waiting on heaven until the harvest. But you never can give up, you never can step back.
Even after they leave the home, you’re still parenting, different role. You’re more like a counselor to them. Hopefully they do come to you for counsel. And when they do, that’s a lot of acknowledgment that you did something that you ought to have done.
Practical Steps for Faithful Fathers
Here are some ways to get started.
Number one, create an environment that is encouraging and healthy in your home. In this environment, children should be able to feel appreciated, cared for, and loved. A place where they can find emotional, spiritual, and physical comfort and protection. Your home should be a haven—a place where you rest and enjoy life. If it’s other than that, you’re doing something wrong.
Secondly, create clear rules and penalties to protect from exasperating your children. Let them know where the lines are, and show them what happens to people who refuse to live under the wise rule of the word of God and God himself. Give them insight, incentive, and encouragement.
Thirdly, create good reasons and incentives for right choices. If you obey, this will happen. If you disobey, this will happen. If you do what is right, there are rewards and benefits that come with it.
“Create an environment that is encouraging and healthy — a haven where children feel appreciated, loved, and protected emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”
Once you do that, let them choose their consequences. If they choose wrong choices, they must pay for their wrong choices. I would say this to parents at this point: do not always want to rescue your children. You can’t always rescue them. They have to learn that sometimes their choices are going to have consequences that only they can deal with. Always look over their shoulder, always wanting to make sure they don’t fall too far.
What will our children say? You weren’t perfect, but I didn’t expect you to be. You were always there when I needed you. I always knew you loved me. We used to have so much fun as a family. I still remember some of the talks we had.
I’m so thankful I had you as my dad and mom. I always knew that I could talk to you. You made me always feel so special, and you actually came to trust me when I was making decisions and supported me.
You admitted when you were wrong, and I’m glad you didn’t always let me have my way. You gave me room to be myself. You made me feel good about myself. I remember the stories that you used to tell me. I can’t believe how patient you were with me.
You gave me a love for nature, you gave me a love for people, and you gave me a love for God. I knew I could always trust you. I always knew that you wanted the best for me. You showed me how to care for others, and I was proud to have you as my dad. I know you’d love me no matter what. You taught me how to make my own choices. You let me learn from my own mistakes. I always knew you always tried to keep your word.
Conclusion: The Legacy of a Faithful Father
That’s really how we want our kids to view us, don’t we?
Fathers, you are given responsibility that comes from God. Fathers, you are to avoid the negative imperative, to live in a way where you cause your children to be angry or to be exasperated. And fathers, it is your job to implant in your kids a positive and consistent example of what God requires in the home.
When you do that, everybody’s the happier. But also the church is the stronger, and the society and nation are stronger, because that’s the next generation. Amen.
“When fathers live out their God-given responsibility, not only is the family stronger — the church and the nation are stronger, because that’s the next generation.”
Let’s pray. Lord, thank you again for your word. Lord, it seems like when we look at your word we’re just touching the hem of the garment on the wisdom that drips from it.
I pray, Lord, today that you would bless fathers, that you would give them, Lord, the desire to want to get to the place, if they are not doing what your word says, to start doing it. And if some men here are not fathers but are future fathers, you would help them to remember the instruction from the word of God.
I pray, Lord, that even we, as being in a relationship with our parents, if any of those bad things happened with us and our parents, Lord, help us to be able to have the wisdom to know how to communicate with them now. And that, Lord, you would even take away some of the things that we did that kind of destroyed our relationship, and Lord, please rebuild this with our parents.
For all the young children that are here, I pray, Lord, that I know they have many voices speaking to them from the world, but I pray, Lord, your voice would be louder than all the rest. And they would listen to you, that to obey is pleasing to the Lord, because it leads to all really all the rest of the goodness of life.
Lord, give us all wisdom together to help each other, even with our own children, to be able to instruct each other and help each other, based on what we know and what worked for us and how the word of God was implemented, that we can share it with those who don’t know it yet.
I pray, Lord, bring it all together so that you may raise strong biblical families, and that you would raise strong biblical children who know you as Lord and savior, and are willing to go out into the world and be an example and to be a testimony to the great name of Jesus Christ, that others may hear the gospel and be saved. I pray this morning in your name, amen.