In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia overviews God’s design for wives according to the Bible. More specifically, Pastor Dave investigates three fundamental roles that a Christian wife should seek to fulfill:
1. A Christian wife is a helper to her husband
2. A Christian wife practices submission to her husband
3. A Christian wife honors her husband
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Summary
We are reminded of God’s wise and good design for wives in marriage, rooted not in cultural accommodation but in creation itself. True contentment for a wife does not come from a perfect husband or obedient children, but from knowing and walking with Jesus Christ and embracing his calling in marriage.
Key Lessons:
- The wife’s role as a ‘helper suitable for him’ (Genesis 2:18) is not demeaning—God himself and the Holy Spirit are called helpers, making this a role of profound dignity.
- A wife’s submission is not passive silence, intellectual stagnation, or mere outward conformity—it is a voluntary, comprehensive, attitude-driven act of faith rooted in God’s creational design, not cultural pressure.
- Submission is the epitome of all Christian obedience: every believer is called to submit to God-ordained authorities, and wives are one clear expression of that distinctly Christian characteristic.
- A wife who reveres and submits to her husband—even when he is undeserving—often becomes the very instrument God uses to soften and change him, reflecting the surprising wisdom of God over the wisdom of the world.
Application: We are called to reject the world’s redefinition of submission as oppression and instead embrace God’s design for wives as helpers, willing submitters, and honor-givers—trusting that God will vindicate, protect, and bless those who walk in his way.
Discussion Questions:
- In what practical areas of marriage is it hardest to practice comprehensive submission, and what does faith look like in those specific moments?
- How does understanding submission as a broadly Christian characteristic (not unique to wives) change how you think about it in marriage?
- If a wife has lost respect for her husband, what steps, according to Scripture and this lesson, should she take—and why is revering him even when undeserved often the path to change?
Scripture Focus: Genesis 2:18 establishes the wife as a ‘helper suitable’ for her husband, grounding roles in creation. Ephesians 5:21–24 defines submission as voluntary, comprehensive, and modeled on the church’s relationship to Christ. 1 Peter 3:1–6 shows that a gentle and quiet spirit and respectful behavior can win even a disobedient husband.
Outline
- Introduction
- Homework Review: Divorce and God’s Pursuing Heart
- Next Week’s Homework
- God’s Design for Wives: Overview
- The Christian Wife as Helper
- The Christian Wife and Submission
- What a Christian Wife’s Submission Is Not
- What a Christian Wife’s Submission Is
- Submission as Voluntary and Proof of Love (Points 2–4)
- Submission as Attitude, Act of Will, and Comprehensive (Points 5–7)
- Submission as Reverent Faith and a Beautifying Act (Points 8–9)
- The Christian Wife and Honoring Her Husband
- Conclusion and Word to Husbands
Introduction
Good morning, good morning. We will begin Sunday school since it is now 9:00. Let me pray as we begin our time.
Heavenly Father, show us more of your wise design for marriage, and in particular the way you have designed wives to act and to live in marriage. I pray that this would be a blessed time in Jesus’ name. Amen.
We are hitting our stride now as we move to lesson five of our Biblical counseling for marriage and parenting Sunday school class. Before we get to the new material, let’s go over the homework from last week.
Homework Review: Divorce and God’s Pursuing Heart
Last week I asked you to read a few excerpts from Jim Newheiser’s book “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage.” You were to write five observations and questions. What are some things that you wrote?
You were reading about why most questions about divorce are easy to answer, why some are hard, and what are the two biblical exceptions for divorce. You’re going to say something?
Man, be happy. Completely not an answer, right? Right. Yeah, Leela, I think probably from that first chapter, people seeking divorce because they want to be happy. Surely God wants us to be happy, but even the famous Westminster Catechism talks about, well, what is the end of man? What are we made for?
We’re made for God. We are made for his glory and for the enjoyment of him, not happiness just in whatever circumstances we prefer to see ourselves. Other questions or observations?
Yeah, Mark. I really appreciate the two exceptions. What I struggled with was he talked about God, people, the old, and I need little, and to me, as I look at that, that almost trumps that in the sense that God always tries to redeem even unfaithful people. He remains faithful if we’re faithless, he remains faithful.
So I’m thinking that has some really strong implications, especially if a husband has an unfaithful wife, what does he do with that? I think that teaches us something of a pursuit and not giving up so quickly, right?
Yes. Mark, you called it a struggle between the idea that God divorced Israel in the Old Testament. Could the author have said more about that, especially the idea of pursuing an unfaithful spouse?
Certainly, we could talk much more about that. I think there is a lot to say there. He doesn’t get into Hosea, but it is certainly one of the truths of scripture that though God has in a sense given Israel a certificate of divorce, he’s not done with her.
Even up to that point, he had been so patient, so patient. That’s why, though not all Christian counselors will say that it is for unrepentant immorality that somebody is permitted to get a divorce, they’ll say, “Oh, any immorality you have, you have freedom to leave that relationship.”
I say that is not like God. That is not like God in the Old Testament, and that is not like the forgiveness that Christians have been called to practice in all manner of sins.
When you look at what God was doing with Israel in the Old Testament, his certificate of divorce didn’t come until centuries of unfaithfulness. And even then, God promises, “I’m still not done. I will get her again. I will go after her, and I will betroth her to me in faithfulness so that she will have no other lovers besides me, and she will be so satisfied in me.”
“God’s certificate of divorce didn’t come until centuries of unfaithfulness. And even then, God promises, ‘I’m still not done.’”
That’s part of why we do affirm that, as Paul says in Romans 11, I think all Israel will be saved. He is going to come back for his people, his people Israel. But that is definitely the heart of God.
That’s a good observation, Stephanie. We are today like idolaters who go out after the things of the world. We do that as well, and we turn our back on God for the things of the world, but he always forgives and draws us back to himself.
That is a good point. If we’re going to talk about, “Oh, you have freedom to divorce any kind of immorality anytime, even if the person’s unrepentant, even if it took place years ago,” well, if we just go back to the theological analogy, then God could have divorced. He should have divorced all of us immediately, even after we came to faith.
They’d be like, “Sorry, you were spiritually idolatrous in that moment. I’m done with this marriage.” But God isn’t like that. Again, I think that’s very instructive, going back to Mark’s point as to what should be the attitude for our spouses in marriage.
It’s not like some spouses who are just looking for an excuse to divorce, and they’re like, “Aha, you did one thing one time, and I’m out of here.” That is not the stance, not if you have a heart like God’s.
There’s much more to bring back about the voice based even on our last lesson. This is not the easy way out. This is, “Oh, I’m not even going to think about that except in the most extreme of circumstances, in exceptional circumstances permitted by the Bible, because I’m committed, like God, to love my spouse, even though he or she is imperfect.”
“I’m committed, like God, to love my spouse, even though he or she is imperfect.”
Now, there’s a lot more I would love to talk about in that homework assignment, but we have some important things to talk about today. I want to make sure we have time for it, but I hope that was a blessing to you, informative, instructive.
Next Week’s Homework
Let me talk about next week’s homework. I have another thing for you to read, and it is also on the subject of divorce, but on a different perspective. Unfortunately, divorce is one of those things that we need to be equipped to counsel people about, especially our brothers and sisters in the church.
So far you’ve read more about divorce on the biblical theological side. This next article, or rather chapter excerpt, is going to be on the practical side. If somebody is going to go through a divorce, what should they expect, and how should that affect your counseling?
I want you to read this chapter from “Men Counseling Men.” This is by Ed Wild, and it is called “When Marriage Problems Become Legal Problems.” It’s only about 17 pages long, so it’s a little bit less than last week.
Ed Wild, by the way, is a certified ACBC counselor. He’s a lawyer and a professor at the Master’s University. So I’m sure he has some good things to share with us.
“Ed Wild is a certified ACBC counselor, a lawyer, and a professor at the Master’s University.”
God’s Design for Wives: Overview
Questions about the homework? All right, well, on to today’s topic: God’s design for wives. That may have been surprising to you because I indicated in the first lesson that we would do God’s design for husbands first.
But I ultimately decided to follow the pattern of the New Testament. They always talk about wives first. We’re going to talk about wives first.
I submit to you, based on the truth of scripture, and I think you could agree with this: there are many unhappy wives in the world, many discontented wives in the world, even among Christians, even among professing Christians.
And the problem is not that happiness and contentment are impossible for these wives. They just can’t seem to find it. Really, it is that these wives do not know how, or they’re simply not willing to follow God’s way in marriage.
This is tragic since God’s design, since God is the designer of women and of marriage, he certainly knows how to make a wife happy, even knows how to make her content, even in an imperfect marriage. Because the Bible indicates lasting joy for a wife does not ultimately come from having a loving husband or having obedient kids.
True joy comes from knowing and walking with Jesus Christ. And that means therefore embracing Christ’s calling to wives in marriage in accordance with God’s original design.
“True joy comes from knowing and walking with Jesus Christ—embracing Christ’s calling to wives in marriage in accordance with God’s original design.”
If you really want to be contented, don’t worry about what your husband does. Embrace your calling from me. There you’ll find joy.
Let’s talk about God’s design for wives, and we’re going to do so according to three main categories. Three main categories that come from the Bible. We’re going to talk about a wife being a helper to her husband.
We’ll talk about a wife practicing submission to her husband. And we’ll talk about a wife honoring her husband.
The Christian Wife as Helper
We’ll start with the first concept: the Christian wife as a helper. Now, where do you suppose this design, the wife as a helper, is first articulated by God in the Bible?
Genesis. We were just there. Genesis 2:18. Surprise, surprise. The creation of the first woman and the first marriage is going to be a place where we see something important about God’s design for wives.
So why don’t you take your Bibles and turn to Genesis 2:18? It’s just the first couple pages in from your Bible, and look at this verse with me. Genesis 2:18 says, “Then the Lord, that is Yahweh, then Yahweh God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’”
Now, up to this point we focused on the first part of this verse. Now we’re looking at the last part: a helper suitable for him. Who’s the “him” in that phrase?
The man. Adam. Her husband. So God designed the first wife to be a helper to her husband.
Genesis 2:18: “‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ — Genesis 2:18”
And grasp one implication of this: who is supposed to take the lead in the relationship of husband and wife?
The man. The husband. That only makes sense. A helper is by definition not the leader. Help someone else who is taking the lead.
Helper: Not Demeaning but Dignified
We should ask though: is it shameful or demeaning to be only a helper?
It is not. And how can we say that for certain?
Say that, Eric. Now, certainly we can just simply say, “Well, God’s design is this, and this is before the fall, and God said everything before the fall was good, very good. This has to be good.”
But there’s something else we can say. Judy, that’s right. If we just pay attention to the language of the Bible, God himself calls himself a helper to man.
Psalm 54:4: “Behold, God is my helper. The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.”
Judy mentioned Jesus. The Holy Spirit is a helper. Jesus is also called a helper. The word translated “helper” in John 14:26, “paraclete,” is also the word used in 1 John 2:1, usually translated “advocate,” but it’s the same word. It means helper, the one who comes alongside.
Isn’t that what a wife does? She’s in good company then, because God also is a helper.
Psalm 54:4: “‘Behold, God is my helper. The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.’ — Psalm 54:4”
Grasp another implication from Genesis 2:18. How will a husband fare without his wife’s help?
Not well. That’s the whole reason the verse starts with, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He needs his wife’s help, and he needs her help even in the most important task that God gave to man at the beginning: to rule and steward the earth.
I said this before, but let me say it again. God’s design is not at all that husbands should do the important work while wives just take care of the trivial tasks. No, husbands need their wives even in the most important tasks of life, the most important work of life.
Now, notice again what kind of helper the wife, the woman, is in Genesis 2:18. She is a helper suitable for him. You might even have a little note in your Bible. We do in the pew Bible. The Hebrew literally is “corresponding to him.”
God designed the wife to be a perfect helper to her husband. And that perfect kind of help doesn’t come by duplicating the husband. It’s not like he’s perfect and we just need more of that.
No, he has his strengths, but he also has his weaknesses. He needs a helper who corresponds to him, who compliments him, who completes him.
I’ve heard couples tell me in counseling, “But we’re just so different. She doesn’t think like I do, or he doesn’t think like I do.”
And what I say is that’s good. That’s a feature and not a bug. This is part of God’s design.
The key though is leveraging your differences for your relationship’s benefit instead of for your relationship’s harm.
“Different strengths are a feature, not a bug. The key is leveraging your differences for your relationship’s benefit.”
Okay, so let’s tabulate some of the truths that we can see here from Genesis 2:18. I gave them to you all at once here on the slide.
The Christian wife is designed by God to be the ideal helper to her husband. In his sovereignty, he knows who that particular person is. You can’t be like, “Well, I would have had the ideal helper if I’d just been more selective with who I married.”
God sovereignly brought you together. So he says, in one sense, she’s the ideal for you.
She is his perfect complement. She completes him. This is where we get that term “complementarianism.”
She’s the perfect complement. She is a valuable contributing member in the partnership. She’s not just an addendum that you don’t really need.
No, she’s valuable. She needs to be there. She’s a partner in the work of life.
Her husband is her primary ministry. From the beginning, the wife was designed to be a helper to her husband. So he is her primary ministry.
That’s not a bad thing. She will find her greatest joy and contentment in fulfilling her role as a helper to him. It’s not meant to be a drag. It’s meant to be a blessing.
“Her husband is her primary ministry. She will find her greatest joy and contentment in fulfilling her role as a helper to him.”
The Christian Wife and Submission
Now, one of the most important ways that a wife will help her husband is by practicing submission. Yet submission has almost become like a bad word for many in the world today.
People link the idea of a submissive wife and submissiveness to backwardness, oppression, slavery, and misogyny. A truly enlightened husband will treat his wife as an equal partner with equal say and equal authority.
These ideas have even found their way into the church with prominent evangelicals advocating for what is commonly called egalitarianism. So you have complementarianism and egalitarianism.
The egalitarians say, “In Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,” quoting Galatians. Therefore, there should be no predefined gender roles in marriage or in the church.
And as for the Bible passages that prescribe the submission of the wife to her husband, that say the wife must submit to her husband: “Oh, those were just accommodations to the culture of the time, just like slavery was. We got rid of slavery. Let’s get rid of this too.”
Really, God’s design was eventually for wives to have complete freedom, total sameness with men when it comes to authority and roles. Well, is the argument of the egalitarians correct?
When Paul and Peter command wives to submit to their husbands, are they merely accommodating cultural prejudices of the time? “Yet don’t rock the boat. Just submit to your husbands. Eventually we’ll get rid of that rule.”
Is that accurate?
Why Submission Is Rooted in Creation, Not Culture
No, that is not accurate. Because what is the true basis for a husband’s headship and a wife’s submission in marriage?
Yeah, Mike. Leadership of church. Well, that is going to be a huge part of it, the picture of Christ in the church. But there’s something even before that, okay?
We’re going to make reference to the Trinity, but via what I’m trying to get at here, Leela. Blessing. Okay, it is going to result in blessing. But the true basis, the foundation, the primary argument for why this should be the arrangement in marriage is that this was established at creation.
It goes back to creation. And if you think about it, and we’ve been seeing this a little bit over the past few weeks, what details of the man’s creation, the woman’s creation, and marriage’s creation in Genesis 2 show that the husband is to be the head to whom the wife should submit?
Give me one, Jonathan.
Adam was created first. What’s another one, Mike?
Woman was created out of man. Mark, you mentioned okay. What else?
Yeah, Judy or Jody. Okay, that is a good point. But that is not at creation. That’s after the fall. Eve takes the fruit, she sins, and yet God holds Adam primarily responsible for it. That affirms headship, but even back at creation we have man created first, woman was created from man, woman was created for the man as we just looked at as a suitable helper.
God brought the woman to the man. He didn’t bring man to the woman or bring them both to some neutral place. And the man names the woman twice, and naming is a mark of authority, especially in ancient times.
By the way, the Apostle Paul cites some of these same creation details when he explains why women and wives are not to have positions of spiritual authority in the church. 1 Timothy 2:13-14, also 1 Corinthians 11:3-12.
So marriage roles do not arise as a result of the fall, but as a result of creation. This was part of God’s very good design.
“Marriage roles do not arise as a result of the fall, but as a result of creation. This was part of God’s very good design.”
The Fall’s Distortion of Marriage Roles
Yet mankind’s fall into sin has affected marriage roles in what way?
Stephanie mentioned the woman wanted to dominate the man. But that’s not the only problem. The man also exercises sinful leadership over the woman. He tries to dominate the woman, or he abdicates his leadership.
The fall meant that the curse of sin affected the marriage roles. Husband and wife are inclined not to follow God’s design.
Sin has caused marriages to become a battleground for influence and authority. Stephanie mentioned wives are often trying to usurp the authority of their husbands. Husbands often try to unlovingly dominate their wives or even abdicate leadership.
I do think the Bible even alludes to this in Genesis 3:16. When God says, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you,” compare that with Genesis 4:7, what God says to Cain.
This isn’t about, “Oh, you’re just going to love him and he’s going to lead you.” No, this is about, “You’re going to be coming into conflict about who’s in control, who calls the shots in this marriage.”
With so many marriages across the centuries exhibiting an ugly distortion of God’s original design of headship and submission, you can understand the desire of some in the egalitarian camp to get rid of marriage roles, to repudiate any kind of call to submission.
But this is not the way back to blessing. In Christ, we are fundamentally freed from the curse of sin, from its domination over us. So we can return to God’s original marriage design and actually fulfill it.
This is actually what Christ has commanded us to do through the word of the Apostles.
“In Christ, we are fundamentally freed from the curse of sin. So we can return to God’s original marriage design and actually fulfill it.”
Not only will righteous headship and righteous submission reflect God’s original creation design, but as Mike already mentioned, for us this reflects another profound reality: the relationship of Christ and his church.
We already talked about this. The marriage institution is a picture of something even greater. There’s another reason for us to fulfill these roles.
But what exactly is the submission to which the wife is supposed to practice in marriage according to God’s original design?
What a Christian Wife’s Submission Is Not
Perhaps it would be better to talk first about what a Christian wife’s submission is not. I’ve got seven of these points.
Number one: a Christian wife’s submission is not a sign of inequality or of lesser essential worth. A common assertion of egalitarians is that submission necessarily connotes inequality.
Aren’t men and women both image bearers before God? Are we not both equal inheritors of salvation blessing? You require submission. You make men and women unequal.
Now, we complementarians readily affirm the equal worth and blessing of men and women. But we dispute that a difference in roles means a difference in value or essential worth.
The most obvious counterpoint to present in the complementarian view is what Mark was alluding to earlier. We can look to God himself. How does God himself show that complementarianism?
The Holy Spirit is our helper. What does it have to do with marriage roles? Jesus and the Holy Spirit take the role of helper. Helper is not a leader. Helper is a follower, submitter.
To broaden the theological picture a little bit, we know that in the Trinity, the persons of the godhead are equal. They are the same in essence, they are the same in glory and eternality.
And yet they are not the same in role. In the economy of the Trinity, in the way they act with creation, they are not the same in role. The Father sends the Son. The Son submits to the Father. And the Spirit is sent by the Father and the Son.
The Son and the Spirit submit, even within the Trinity relationship in terms of the acts with creation. So clearly in the godhead, you have equality in essence and worth, difference in role.
If that can be true of God, certainly that can be true of marriage, which God designed in a way to reflect God.
Christian wife submission is not a sign of inequality.
Number two: a Christian wife’s submission is not a testimony of her husband’s perfection. A wife does not submit to her husband because her husband is never going to sin or make a mistake.
The Bible is quite obvious that even Christian husbands will be imperfect. Christians do not live in a delusion in which we assume men and husbands can do no wrong.
Number three: a Christian wife’s submission is not passivity or inability. A wife is not supposed to just sit around, look pretty, isolated at home while her husband takes care of everything in the marriage, the church, the job, the household.
The wife has gifts and talents given to her by God, and she is to be using them both inside the home and even outside the home to help her husband, to help the church, and to help others around her, even as she looks to follow her husband’s lead.
“The wife has gifts and talents given to her by God, and she is to be using them both inside and outside the home.”
Number four: a Christian wife’s submission is not silence. One of the primary ways a wife will help her husband is by talking to him, by providing him with counsel. He will greatly benefit from her different perspective, from her input.
Also, out of submission to Christ and love for her husband, a Christian wife may need to confront sin in her husband. And if necessary, appeal to her husband as she follows the church discipline process. She’s not to remain silent in the marriage. That is not submission.
Number five: a Christian wife’s submission is not intellectual or theological stagnation. In many cultures over the centuries, women have been regarded as incapable of profound thought or of theological rigor.
But this is a wholly unjustified view according to the scriptures. A Christian wife is called to think after Christ’s own mind, to grow in wisdom, and to learn more about the world so that she can be a greater help to her husband and others.
A Christian wife is not to become a naive, intellectual doormat who just lets everyone else think for her. No, she is called to think for herself after the mind of Christ.
Number six: a Christian wife’s submission is not a giving up of all meaningful influence in the world. The world will tell wives that if wives don’t adopt a “me and my rights first” mentality, well, those wives can give up ever trying to amount to anything or accomplishing anything significant in life.
However, while accomplishing worldly goals of significance is not a Christian’s priority, a Christian wife’s righteous behavior in marriage, including submission, actually maximizes, magnifies her influence for good in the world, especially towards and through her husband, children, and church.
“A Christian wife’s righteous behavior in marriage, including submission, actually magnifies her influence for good in the world.”
Number seven: a Christian wife’s submission is not a cover for sinful manipulation. You may have heard the phrase, “My husband is the head, but I’m the neck that turns the head.”
That’s kind of clever, but that does not reflect God’s design for godly submission. Submission is not merely outward conformity: “Yes, dear. I submit to you.”
Nor does outward submission make up for sinful and selfish attempts to get the husband to do whatever the wife wants and to follow her lead, her direction. That is not true submission.
What a Christian Wife’s Submission Is
So if these are what a Christian wife’s submission is not, what actually is a Christian wife’s submission? I have 10 points for you, and many of them are based on Paul’s passage on submission in Ephesians 5.
Please turn to Ephesians 5. There are three main passages in the New Testament that talk about the roles of husband and wife: Colossians 3, Ephesians 5, and 1 Peter 3. We’re going to focus on Ephesians 5 and a little bit of 1 Peter 3.
In Ephesians 5, we talked in the second lesson of our course about the importance of something. Let me give you the first point in the bullet outline here.
Submission as Part of Divine Order (Point 1)
What is a Christian wife’s submission? Number one: it is part of a divine plan of function and order.
In the second lesson of our course, we talked about the importance of the family. We noted that the family is the basic unit of social organization and even government upon which all other human institutions are based.
If that’s true, how is the family supposed to be governed and governed well? God has laid out the blueprint for us in the concept of headship and submission.
Look at Ephesians 5:21-22. Notice what it says there: “And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.”
You see the phrase “be subject” in these verses? This is a translation of the Greek verb “hupotasso,” which itself comes from a combination of a prefix “hup” meaning “under” and “tasso” meaning “to arrange in order together.”
The meaning is to arrange in order under. The form of “hupotasso” that’s used in verses 21 and 22 emphasizes action taken upon oneself.
The sense of the verb in these two verses is to arrange oneself in order under another, under another’s authority, or simply to submit oneself, to subject oneself. It’s something a person does to himself or herself.
We actually see this form of “hupotasso”—this action taken upon oneself—used in extra-biblical literature to describe the lining up of soldiers under the authority of their commander.
Soldiers need to be well organized, lest they be unprepared for battle and fall prey to the enemy. By using this same term to describe a wife’s role in regard to her husband, what is God communicating to us?
It is that a Christian wife’s submission consists of her arranging herself in order under her husband’s God-ordained authority. This is an orderly arrangement. When a wife arranges herself in this way, she brings order to the entire family and ends the power struggle that might otherwise exist in the marriage.
There is no question of who’s going to have the authority here or there. I am choosing to arrange myself under my husband because God made him the authority.
“When a wife arranges herself under her husband’s God-ordained authority, she brings order to the entire family and ends the power struggle.”
Submission as Voluntary and Proof of Love (Points 2–4)
That statement I just made flows right into number two of what a Christian wife’s submission is. It is voluntary. It is not forced.
Did you notice that the command given in verse 22 is given to the wives and not to their husbands? There’s a reason for that. The wife’s submission is to be her own choice, out of submission to the Lord. She submits to her husband. She subjects herself.
It is not the husband’s job to force her to submit. No, this is a voluntary action.
Number three: what else is a Christian wife’s submission? It is the epitome of the way of life of every believer.
What are you talking about? Well, let me explain, actually using verses 21 and 22 again. Do you see in your Bibles in verse 22 that the words “be subject” or whatever phrase your particular Bible translation uses?
Do you see that it’s in italics? Does anybody know why that is? It is not there in the original text, but the sense is there. Therefore, the translators have written it in.
But you might ask, “Well, come on, this is like one of the most important verses about a wife’s role in marriage, that she needs to submit to her husband, and the words ‘submit’ or the words ‘be subject’ are not actually there in the text. How can that be?”
Well, the answer is because the words are supplied in the verse that comes before, verse 21, where it says, “And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.”
Though let me show you something. I want to give you a more literal translation of Ephesians 5:21 going into 5:22. And to do that, let me actually back up to verse 18. Recall if you’ve looked at this passage before, starting in verse 18, Paul describes what the Spirit-filled life should look like that characterizes all Christians. And he’s continuing to do that as he goes into verse 20.
Listen to a more literal translation of verse 20 going to verse 22. Paul says, “Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father, and being subject to one another in the fear of Christ, wives to your husbands as to the Lord.”
Do you see what Paul did there? He took a characteristic behavior of all Spirit-filled Christians—being subject to one another—and he applied it to the specific relationship of a wife to her husband.
Now Paul has more relationships in mind that have to do with submission than just this one. As we can see, if we keep on reading in Ephesians, only a few verses later, Paul applies the same concept to children toward their parents and slaves toward their masters.
And you may say, “But wait, I don’t see the word ‘submission’ there.”
Well, it’s true. Ephesians 6:1 and Ephesians 6:5 use a different Greek word, “hupakuo,” and then we have the translation “children, obey your parents” and “slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters.”
Okay, is obedience the same as submission? Actually, when describing the relationship of wives to husbands, children to parents, slaves to masters, the words “obey” and “subject yourself” are used more or less interchangeably.
You say, “I don’t believe that.” Well, let me just point out some details for you in a parallel passage in 1 Peter 2 and 3. We have another discussion of submission. And listen to what Peter says there.
To slaves or servants, he says, “Slaves, 1 Peter 2:18, be submissive to your masters with all respect.” In Ephesians, he says, “obey.” And Peter, he says, “submit.”
Also, in 1 Peter 3:1 and 6, Peter says, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your husbands.” Then verse 6, “Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him the Lord, and you would become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.”
Say, “What’s your point, Pastor Dave?”
My point is that all Christians are called to voluntarily place ourselves in order under God-ordained authorities, the ones that he has put in our lives, whether it be governments or church elders or parents or bosses or husbands.
God didn’t single out wives for this submission. No, voluntary submission to God-ordained authorities is a distinctly Christian characteristic. And this is a radical witness to the world.
“Voluntary submission to God-ordained authorities is a distinctly Christian characteristic—and a radical witness to the world.”
And by the way, why do we Christians submit to all these authorities when we know that they are imperfect?
Tony, okay. To glorify the Lord. Other thoughts? Fear of his sovereignty, okay. Out of fear of him and acknowledgement of his sovereignty. That is also true. Any other answers we can provide?
Mike, okay. We are commanded to by the Lord specifically. And I say that we are just like them. Can you explain that a little bit more?
Okay, there’s a good point. Even though yes, the ones we submit to are imperfect, so are we. So there needs to be a certain humility there.
Let me remind you of something that Romans 13 says. It is for the Lord’s sake that we submit to authorities. Because what’s Paul’s argument there?
All authorities are established by God. Therefore, when you honor the authorities he’s established, whose authority are you really honoring? God’s. And when you rebel against the authorities that he’s established, whose authority are you really rebelling against? Against God’s.
So submitting to the authorities that God has placed in our lives, his ordained authorities, that is a notably Christian characteristic. Wives are just one obvious example of that.
“All authorities are established by God. When you honor the authorities he’s established, you are really honoring God’s authority.”
And by the way, one other implication from this truth: sometimes you hear Christians teach, based on Ephesians 5:21, that Christians are to practice mutual submission. Christians should all be submitting to one another. Everybody submitting to everybody else.
But that is a misunderstanding of Paul’s intent in Ephesians 5:21. Paul cannot be saying in that verse that every Christian is to line himself up in order under every other Christian, because that would simultaneously make every Christian an authority and no Christians in authority. It would be chaos if we followed through with the logic.
Now, yes, Christians do have mutual obligations to love and serve one another. But the way that looks changes depending on the nature of the relationship, which is exactly what we see in what follows in Ephesians 5:22 going into chapter 6.
Husbands are not called to submit to their wives. Parents are not called to submit to their children. The nature of their love and service changes depending on the relationship that God has established.
So what Paul is saying in Ephesians 5:21 is that Christians, as ones being filled by the Spirit to the fullness of Christ, are to submit to one another according to whatever authority submission relationships God has placed them in. And that’s exactly what you see in Ephesians 5:22 and following.
Okay, that was a little bit longer explanation for that point. What else is a Christian wife’s submission?
Number four: a Christian wife’s submission is proof of her love both to her husband and to Christ.
Don’t get misled here. We often repeat to one another, “Oh, wives are to submit to their husband, and husbands are to love their wives.” And we might think, “Oh, well, wives don’t need to love their husbands. They just need to submit to them.”
That is not true. Wives need to love their husbands. John 15:12 certainly applies to wives. John 15:12, “This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I loved you.”
But as I was saying before, voluntarily arranging herself under the authority of her husband is one of the main ways that a wife is going to show love to her husband and to Christ.
John 15:12: “This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I loved you.”
Submission as Attitude, Act of Will, and Comprehensive (Points 5–7)
Number five: a Christian wife’s submission is an attitude in addition to an action.
Look again in Ephesians 5:22. It says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.” Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands in the same way that they submit to the Lord.
Now there are several important implications from that statement. But one is submission cannot be skin deep. After all, would Christ be satisfied with mere outward submission while the heart is not submissive? Certainly, he would not.
If that is true about submission to Christ, and submission to Christ is the model for submission to one’s husband, then a humble attitude of submission must also characterize the Christian wife who is subjecting herself to her husband.
Number six: a Christian wife’s submission is ultimately an act of the will and not a feeling.
Yes, a godly wife ought to cultivate submissive feelings toward her husband. But she cannot wait till she feels like submitting before she actually does so and follows his lead.
Why not? If she waits for the feeling, how long is she going to wait? Probably forever. There are certain acts of obedience that you probably will never feel like because of the flesh that is still in us.
As with other instances like this in the Christian life, the Christian wife must obey first by faith and trust that the feelings will come after. And they often do. This is where you have to choose faith over the flesh.
“The Christian wife must obey first by faith and trust that the feelings will come after. This is where you choose faith over the flesh.”
I saw that hand, but maybe we’ll come back at the end. I want to make sure that we get to everything.
Number seven. All right, here’s a big one. A Christian wife’s submission is comprehensive.
Look at Ephesians 5:22 again. “Wives, be subject to your husband as to the Lord.” Does a Christian wife hold back anything in her submission to Christ?
No, she should not. And again, if Christ is the model, then she ought to hold back nothing in her submission to her husband either, except of course that which would cause her to no longer submit to Christ, that would cause her to disobey the Lord.
Now, does that sound radical? Well, in case you missed the memo, we also have Ephesians 5:24 just a few verses later. “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”
Does the church, Christ’s redeemed body, hold back any submission or obedience to her head? No, she is not to do so. Then in the same way, Paul himself spells it out: “Wives ought to subject themselves to their husbands in everything.”
What’s included in everything? Everything. That’s comprehensive submission, isn’t it?
Such a calling from Christ therefore leaves no room for “I just follow my husband’s general direction but not his specific requests or commands” or “I submit to him in the important things but not the minor things” or “I submit to him when I think he’s right or when his position is reasonable.”
Would the church ever say these things about submission to Christ? It should not. Therefore, a Christian wife has no right to any stance short of all-inclusive submission.
“A Christian wife has no right to any stance short of all-inclusive submission, just as the church holds nothing back from Christ.”
This means, just by way of example, she submits in matters of work and employment, money, food and drink, clothes, physical intimacy, parenting, home location, and home organization.
Now, to be sure, a Christian wife may find herself at times more than willing but simply unable to follow her husband’s lead or to fulfill his request. But again, just as Christians do or are to do in every other God-ordained submission relationship, the wife does her best to line herself up under her husband’s authority and follow his direction.
It’s the same thing with submission to elders in the church or submission to the government. You don’t say, “Oh, I’m going to submit to you on some things, and I’m not going to submit to you on other things.”
You say, “I’d love to submit to you in that area, but I’m physically unable. I’d love to come to this ministry on Wednesday, but I have this other Bible study that I’m trying to evangelize somebody.”
It is your goal to submit whatever you can to the ones that God has ordained, his authorities in your life. But of course, this is where somebody will say, or at least feel, but won’t my ungodly husband take advantage of me, take advantage of my comprehensive submission to serve his own selfish desires and therefore make my life miserable?
Submission as Reverent Faith and a Beautifying Act (Points 8–9)
I hear that concern, and the Lord hears that concern. I can say that because the Lord speaks to that concern in at least two ways, and I’m going to feature these in terms of what submission is.
A Christian wife’s submission is also an act of reverent faith in truth. For a Christian wife to offer all-inclusive submission is in one sense a risky venture. An ungodly husband may indeed try to take advantage and abuse his position as the family head to serve himself.
“Are you going to submit to me and everything? Great.” However, recall Ephesians 5:21 again. Paul says, “And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.”
Pay attention to that last phrase: the fear of Christ. This is not saying that those called to submit, like wives, are to their husbands, that they should fear the disapproving eye of Christ or his chastening judgment coming down.
Rather, they ought to reverence Christ’s position as God and remember his power, which will free themselves from the fear of man.
Because what does God promise to submissive wives and indeed to all Christians who take the risk of submitting to God-ordained authorities? Christ promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will take care of you. And when you are mistreated, I will take vengeance for you, and I will deliver you at the proper time.”
When a wife continues to do right in her submission as God calls her to do, even when her husband does wrong and even takes advantage of her because of her submission, she is really just fulfilling the calling and following the example of Christ to all Christians as we see in 1 Peter 2.
You don’t have to turn there, but 1 Peter 2:23 talks about the calling and example of Christ. This is right before, by the way, the command for wives to submit to their husbands in that passage. He says, “While being reviled, he did not revile in return. While suffering, he uttered no threats, but kept entrusting himself to him who judges righteously.”
A Christian wife’s mission is just the epitome of the way of life of all Christians. Being a Christian, being righteous means that others might take advantage of you. But God says, “Don’t worry about that. Actually, when they take advantage of you, try and do even more for them.”
1 Peter 2:23: “‘While being reviled, he did not revile in return… but kept entrusting himself to him who judges righteously.’ — 1 Peter 2:23”
Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7 says, “I’m going to take care of you. You don’t have to worry.”
Now, all that being said, God does provide certain practical resources to wives who are being mistreated by their husbands, even amid godly submission. A wife may pursue the process of church discipline with a believing but disobedient husband.
A wife may enlist the civil authorities for her own protection and even temporarily remove herself from a husband in the face of physical danger.
Don’t miss my main point. The submission of a Christian wife, like pretty much all other acts of Christian obedience over which unbelievers can take advantage, is an act of reverent worship and trust in God. God will vindicate his people.
Still, I must say that the fear of an ungodly response to godly submission is probably overblown.
Why would I say that? Well, because of this next point.
Number nine: a Christian wife’s submission is a beautifying act.
Does this surprise you? Well, here’s where we need to behold the wisdom of God versus the wisdom of man. Many wives suspect that offering comprehensive submission to their husbands will make those husbands more selfish, more demanding.
But as a matter of fact, the opposite is often the case. The husband appreciates his wife more and becomes less demanding of her. Or he notices his wife’s kindness to him, and that is attractive, and he feels compelled to reciprocate.
You say, “Dave, I think that’s wishful thinking.”
No, the reliable scriptures say the same. Actually, this time I do want you to turn over to 1 Peter 3, and let’s look at verses 1 to 6.
This is Peter’s version of teaching on submission. He talks about wives, but he’s been talking about government and slaves before this. Listen to 1 Peter 3:1-6.
“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”
Did you catch that? Peter says that even disobedient husbands can be won to obedience, even salvation, by the chaste and respectful behavior of their wives who are submitting to their husbands.
1 Peter 3:1: “Even disobedient husbands can be won to obedience—even salvation—by the chaste and respectful behavior of their wives. — 1 Peter 3:1”
Peter goes on in verse three: “Your adornment must not be merely external: braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses. But let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”
“For in this way, in former times, the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.”
Did you see what Peter is saying in that latter section? Wives are often concerned about being attractive to their husbands. Nothing wrong with that. But Peter exhorts these wives not to focus on the outer beauty, the outer adornment, but the inner beauty, the inner adornment, because it lasts.
What does inner beauty for a wife look like according to Peter in these verses? Among other qualities, a gentle and quiet spirit. Where does a gentle and quiet spirit come from?
It comes from a wife who is content in Christ and who trusts her Lord to take care of her, no matter what the husband does.
“A gentle and quiet spirit comes from a wife who is content in Christ and trusts her Lord to take care of her, no matter what the husband does.”
Now, there’s no guarantee that your godly position, your godly submission, will result in godly behavior from your spouse or better behavior from a spouse. That often happens. But you must be committed to the Lord’s way regardless.
Nevertheless, the reason these verses are included here in Peter is for our encouragement. Don’t be afraid of submitting this way to your husband. It often brings about an improvement of the situation, not a worsening.
Submission as a Picture of Christ and the Church (Point 10)
Finally, one point we’ve already touched on: a Christian wife’s submission is a picture of the church’s relationship to Christ. This is most explicit in Ephesians 5:22-24.
The Lord loves marriage for its picture of Christ in the church. Thus, a Christian wife is not free to act with her husband however she sees fit. The Lord does not want her to blaspheme or distort what marriage pictures.
Rather, he calls the Christian wife to act in faith and worship, to uphold the marriage picture as one of the most wondrous realities of the universe: the union of Christ with his people.
“The Lord calls the Christian wife to uphold the marriage picture—one of the most wondrous realities of the universe: the union of Christ with his people.”
That was what took the majority of our time today: talking about the role of wife and practicing submission. But there’s one more.
The Christian Wife and Honoring Her Husband
We’ve talked about the Christian wife as a helper. The Christian wife has wanted to practice submission. But let me also mention to you before we end God’s design that a Christian wife should honor her husband.
This kind of fits with submission, but I’m going to make it its own category. Turn your Bibles back to Ephesians 5:33.
This is at the conclusion of Paul’s treatment of the roles of wife and husband. Notice what he says there in Ephesians 5:33.
“Nevertheless, each individual among you also was to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”
Paul also in 1 Peter 3:2, which we just read, mentions that one of the things that wins a husband from his wife is that he observes in her chaste and respectful behavior.
What’s God telling us? God says that wives also are to respect their husbands, to regard them with respect. Actually, the word is even stronger than that in both verses.
The Greek word translated “respect” comes from the Greek word “phobo,” from which we get “phobia,” and which has the basic idea of fear, literally.
In Ephesians 5:33, the wife may see to it that she fears her husband.
Wait, you say. Doesn’t 1 Peter 3:6, what we just read, say that wives should submit to their husbands without being frightened by any fear?
That’s true. But Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:2 are talking about a different kind of fear than the fear of 1 Peter 3:6.
The fear of Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:2 is the same kind of fear that we actually see in Ephesians 5:21: the fear of Christ.
What are we talking about? The fear of reverence, reverence. Christian wives are to cultivate a high regard, a deep respect, a true reverence for their husbands as God-ordained authorities.
This reverent heart should come out in words and actions that show the husband honor.
The Surprising Wisdom of Reverence
“But my husband doesn’t deserve respect. I’ve lost respect for my husband.”
I’ve heard Christian wives tell me this in counseling. That admission is very concerning for multiple reasons.
One, it probably indicates the husband has been neglecting his wife. We’re going to have to deal with that.
Two, loss of respect from the wife usually leads to loss of love and therefore greater and greater dissonance in the marriage.
But also, three, that statement is concerning because it reveals that the wife believes her husband must earn her respect before she can give it to him.
That is not what God says in any of these marriage passages. In fact, Peter says specifically in 1 Peter 3 that a Christian wife is to fear—that is, to revere—her husband even when he is proving disobedient to the word.
He hasn’t done anything to earn it in that instance. And he says revere him. When you do, you may win him.
Why would I do that if he doesn’t deserve it? It’s kind of like we said before. It’s for the Lord’s sake. The Lord has commanded it. He’s the one who put that husband into the position of authority over the wife in marriage.
As we recall, Romans 13 says to revere God and honor his authority, you must revere and honor the authorities that he set up, including husbands, including your husband in marriage.
Now, according to 1 Peter 3, the surprising wisdom of God is that when a wife reveres her husband when he doesn’t deserve it, what is the outcome? Very often, the husband changes his behavior towards his wife and actually becomes more worthy of her respect.
“When a wife reveres her husband when he doesn’t deserve it, very often the husband changes his behavior and becomes more worthy of her respect.”
But when a wife sins by refusing to revere her husband in her heart or to honor him externally, what often is the outcome? The husband becomes hardened in his sinful behavior and becomes a more miserable marriage partner to live with.
I tell you, that is the wisdom of the world versus the wisdom of God. Our flesh always tells us, “I got to do this thing to my husband or I got to do this thing to my wife so that he treats me right.”
Usually, this thing is some kind of sin. But what does that usually produce? “Oh, I guess I should treat you right. Yes, I’ll be good to you.”
No, that is not usually the outcome. It is, “How dare you do that to me? I’m going to treat you even worse than I did before. I’m going to punish you for what you did to me.”
You got to give up that idea. You got to come back to the wisdom of the Lord and say, “Whether my husband deserves it or not, and we’ll get to this with husbands, whether my wife deserves it or not, I’m going to follow what God’s design is, what God has called me to do. I don’t let him take care of it.”
But I’m encouraged that he says this is often the way that the other person is moved to change.
“Whether my husband deserves it or not, I’m going to follow God’s design and let him take care of it.”
Conclusion and Word to Husbands
All this to say, we have pretty much come out of time. God’s design for wives is very good. It brings blessing to the soul, and it brings blessing to marriage.
God’s design is definitely counter to our culture. It’s counter to our fleshly feelings. It’s counter to the whispers of Satan.
Yet by faith, we can embrace Christ’s design as wives. And if we’re wise, we can help our sisters in Christ to embrace this wisdom so that they can find joy in the Lord and so that the Lord would be glorified.
Quick word to husbands as we close. If you heard all this and you’re thinking fleshly thoughts, if you think you can use God’s design for wives to further your own selfish desires, I have to tell you, you are a fool, and you will surely reap the painful consequences of your own sin.
Don’t use God’s word to justify your sin. Far from trying to take advantage of your wife based on her calling before the Lord, you are to lay down your own desires for hers. You are to do everything in your power to make it easy for her to fulfill the roles that God has called her to do as your helper, as the one who practices submission to you, and as the one who honors you.
“Do everything in your power to make it easy for her to fulfill the roles God has called her to—as helper, as one who submits, as one who honors you.”
Make it easy for her to do that. We’ll talk more about God’s design for husbands next time.
I’m going to be hanging around afterwards, so I’m sure you have questions. Please feel free to come up and talk with me. Or if you don’t want to talk with me right now, we are going to have a question and answer lesson at the very end of our course.
You say, “I really wish he could have talked about more of this.” Write it down and send it to me. Maybe I can talk about it then. I’ve already got a few topics that we’ll come back to, and maybe you have another one that I can use.
But talk to me afterwards. Send me an email. That’ll have to do for today.
Don’t forget the homework. Let’s close in prayer.
Lord, we confess that your way is right and wise, yet scary—if we don’t believe your word and if we don’t believe your character. Lord, it would be a terrible, terrible risk.
But Lord, you are reliable, and so is your word. We will trust you in your way.
I pray that you would encourage every wife to really take these truths to heart and to apply them in her marriage for her own joy, for the blessing of her husband, for your glory. Do this, Lord, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Thank you.