In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia gives basic instruction for counseling abuse situations. Pastor Dave does so by defining “abuse,” overviewing expectations for different types of abuse situations, comparing a worldly and a biblical approach to dealing with abuse, and providing special counsel for the abused.
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Summary
We are called to engage with one of the most challenging topics in pastoral care: abuse in relationships, particularly in marriage. This lesson establishes a biblically faithful framework for defining abuse, understanding different marital situations, and counseling both the abused and the abuser with wisdom, care, and gospel hope.
Key Lessons:
- Abuse must be carefully defined — for counseling purposes, it is sinful behavior that threatens or actually harms the physical life and well-being of another, including physical violence, threatening speech, forced isolation, and financial control.
- The worldly approach to abuse (asserting rights, setting boundaries, separating) falls short because it ignores the spiritual dimensions of the situation and offers no hope for transformation; the biblical approach seeks to glorify God by training the abused in godliness and winning the abuser to repentance.
- The abused are called not to provoke unnecessary conflict through their own sin, while abusers remain fully accountable — no provocation ever justifies abuse.
- God has provided practical protections through both the church (discipline, safe refuge, financial support) and the civil government (police, courts, restraining orders), and Christians should use both without seeing them as mutually exclusive.
Application: We are called not to hand off abuse situations to secular professionals, but to engage them faithfully with biblical wisdom — protecting the lives of the abused, pursuing the repentance of abusers, and pointing both to the glory of God as the ultimate goal.
Discussion Questions:
- How does the biblical priority of glorifying God — even above physical safety — challenge or reshape how you would instinctively respond to an abuse situation?
- What makes the church’s role in protecting abuse victims distinct from what civil authorities can provide, and how can both work together?
- How does 1 Peter 2:18–20 reframe what it means to ‘endure’ suffering, and how would you explain that passage to someone currently experiencing abuse?
Scripture Focus: 1 Peter 2:18–20 and 3:1–7 ground the call to righteous endurance and sacrificial love amid unjust suffering. Genesis 3:16 illuminates the root of marital conflict. Matthew 18:15–18 guides the church discipline process. Romans 13:3–4 affirms the God-given role of government in protecting the abused.
Outline
- Introduction
- Homework Review: Biblical Parenting
- This Week’s Assignment
- Defining Abuse
- Expectations for Different Abuse Situations
- Why Spouses Become Abusive
- The Worldly Approach to Abuse
- The Biblical Approach: Training in Godliness
- Biblical Goals in Abuse Counseling
- God as Our Stronghold in Trouble
- How God Teaches Us to Walk Through Trouble
- The Abused and Their Own Responsibility
- Practical Protections God Has Provided
- Conclusion
Introduction
Well, it’s 9 o’clock. Good morning, and welcome to Sunday school. Let’s open with a word of prayer.
Heavenly Father, we are so dependent on you, even for the most difficult trials of life and dealing with abuse and suffering. Dealing with abuse is a great challenge and a great trial. Lord, I pray that you would help us to understand this topic and help us to be wise about it. Help me, Lord, to explain this in a way that is clear and helpful. I pray that you’d be glorified today. In Jesus’ name, amen.
All right, today is lesson 11 in our Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood Sunday school series. I said last week that today we were going to go over two topics, and then we’d have our Q&A and our next class. But we really need to spend a whole day with just this one topic, so we’ll just have to adjust.
You see the topic on your screen. It is a sobering and necessary one, and it is dealing with abuse. But before we get to that, let’s go over last week’s homework.
Homework Review: Biblical Parenting
Last week, I asked you to read “Understanding Your Child’s Greatest Need” by John MacArthur in his book “Successful Christian Parenting” and write down five observations or questions. If you did that, what were some questions or observations that you wrote down?
Yeah, Leela? That’s right. Leela is pointing out that behaviorism doesn’t get to the heart. Biblical counseling or true biblical instruction and admonishment has to get to the heart. You can’t settle for mere outward conformity or mere external behavior. That seems easy and seems to produce good results sometimes, but that’s not what a Christian parent is primarily called to do. You want to get the heart.
What else? Yeah, Phil? Right, so Phil, you’re pointing out two things. One: the importance of not trying to force a profession of faith, not trying to coerce or manipulate that. It’s a work of the Spirit. He does use the gospel. You need to declare the gospel and live out the gospel. That was your second point. You can’t preach one thing and then unpreach it with your life.
As I’ve said in the past, you have to leave it up to the Lord. You are to be faithful, but you can’t force your children to believe. This is a stumbling block for many parents. They will try to manipulate a confession or even change their theology based on how their children respond to the gospel.
I remember one of my teachers pointing out that a certain mother was very much in line with what the Bible teaches—that saving faith produces a changed life. But when her child professed and then later walked away from the faith, because she wanted him to be saved so much, he said, “Well, you really don’t have to have a changed life as long as you professed at one point.” But you can’t do that. You can’t change your theology to fit how you want things to be or how the circumstances are. You have to stick with the scriptures.
“You can’t change your theology to fit how you want things to be. You have to stick with the scriptures.”
So you minister the gospel. You trust that God will use that, but in his timing, in his way.
What else? Yeah, Hostway? That’s a good question, Hostway. First, let me answer your second question. That does have a little bit of a teaser there, right? Like, “We’ll talk about this more in the next chapter,” or “We did talk about this in the last chapter.” No, I don’t have that chapter. I only had the excerpt for my class.
But you can still buy the book. It’s a little bit older. I think it was published in the ’90s. Sometimes with MacArthur’s publications, they reprint them under a new title or combine them with other material. So I don’t know if this one got transformed into another book on parenting, but “Successful Christian Parenting” is available if you are curious about those other chapters. I was too, but unfortunately I don’t have that.
But to get back to your first point, I do really appreciate how MacArthur brings out that we make parenting to be a burden when it’s meant to be a blessing. Part of the reason is that we add a whole bunch of other things that we don’t necessarily have to do or follow, but we add it on there. We get paranoid if we don’t follow the rules of some parenting guru or some parenting program.
He says, “Okay, sometimes they have good things to say. Sometimes it’s just not necessary, and sometimes it’s bad advice. Why are you burdening yourself like that?” You can stick with what the scriptures say. You can benefit from teachers, but don’t treat them like your absolute gurus.
When they’re young and when they’re old, if you do apply the scriptures, then parenting is a great blessing and it is to be received that way.
Yeah, Mark, bring them instruction of the Lord. To your point, Bill, that has to do with our example. It’s not a formula, right? If you do this, it’s just going to go great, right? The word “bring them up” there—I think you brought this out maybe in a previous lesson—is the same word for “nurture” and “cherish” that is used of husbands or wives.
The idea is that we’re cultivating their growth, which means sewing seeds. Sometimes that takes a while, and there’s no guarantee of results. I really appreciated that.
Yeah, and it was more about character than about technique.
Yeah, so really good. I don’t think I can summarize everything you just said, but the emphasis on Ephesians 6:4 is bringing up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. “Bringing up” has the idea of nourishing, cherishing—even the same word is used of husbands towards their wives. It is an investment. It is something that takes time. It doesn’t have guaranteed results.
And yet it is something that, as you said there at the end, is more about character than technique. It’s not a formula where you just plug in and do these things over a certain amount of time and get this result. Oftentimes, but not necessarily.
Sometimes you can encounter the thought in your own mind or even from other people where they say, “Oh, well, that’s not going to work with my kids. Yeah, I know that’s what the Bible says, but that doesn’t work,” or “That’s not going to work.” Well, ultimately, it’s up to God whether something works. You’re just called to be faithful. You don’t determine whether you should do something based on whether it has the outcome that you want or not.
You just say, “What did God call me to do?” I’m called to be a faithful parent, not one that produces a certain result. Therefore, I’m successful. You’re successful if you’re faithful. God has to take care of the results.
“You’re successful if you’re faithful. God has to take care of the results.”
Those are good comments and good observations. I hope the article was helpful to you and encouraging to you. Unfortunately, I don’t have the rest of the book, but there are other good resources for you to check out.
This Week’s Assignment
What I would like you to do for this next week is another reading assignment—much shorter—and it has to do with today’s lesson. I want you to read “How Should You Counsel a Couple in the Case of Domestic Violence?” This is written in part by three different authors at CCEF: Paul Tripp and David Powlison. They’ve been notable CCEF biblical counselors at the Christian Counseling Education Foundation.
Read it and write down five observations or questions. It’s only five pages, so this is not going to be a comprehensive word on the subject of domestic violence. But it does give you a fundamental approach for dealing with this topic and being aware of certain key realities.
We’ll talk about it at the beginning of next class.
Do you have questions about the homework? I did give you an optional reading assignment. If you wish, it’s a little bit harder to get through, but it offers a more comprehensive framework for dealing with abuse and domestic violence. That’s an ACBC counseling care article about the specific steps you should take and the guiding principles for dealing with domestic violence. So that is optional for you to read, not required.
“Read ‘How Should You Counsel a Couple in the Case of Domestic Violence?’ — write down five observations or questions.”
Defining Abuse
Well, let’s get to today’s topic: dealing with abuse. Just hearing the word “abuse” probably makes it feel like a dark cloud has just passed over the class, because it is not a pleasant subject. Yet abuse is real. We cannot ignore this type of sinful darkness. We must prepare to deal with it.
The good news is that the Bible does give us the principles to handle—yes, even abuse cases—faithfully. Unlike the world, we can minister to both the abused and the abuser, as God permits. However, situations of abuse must be approached with great wisdom and care. I will do my best because I want to balance, and I want to teach you all to balance, several biblical priorities at the same time.
“The Bible does give us the principles to handle — yes, even abuse cases — faithfully.”
When you’re dealing with abuse, you have several priorities—at least six priorities—that you’re trying to take care of together. On the one hand, you must take seriously all allegations of abuse and respond accordingly. But on the other hand, you must remember that not all those who claim to be abused are actually being abused.
On the one hand, you must hold abusers accountable for their sin and not let them get away with any excuses. On the other hand, you must hold the abused accountable for their sins, even their sinful provocations toward their abusers.
On the one hand, we must be committed to protecting the life and limb of the abused, readily involving the church and civil authorities to rescue the oppressed and punish the oppressors. On the other hand, you must be committed, above all, to the glory of God, which means seeking the true repentance of the abuser and the restoration of the relationship between the abused and the abuser.
Some of those might seem like contradictory principles, but they’re not. Can biblical counselors really hold on to all those priorities at the same time? By God’s grace, yes. We may not always be able to address situations of abuse perfectly, but we can address them faithfully. Just like parenting, right? We can seek to address them faithfully while trusting God to work in us and work in that situation for his glory.
With the rest of our time, I cannot say everything that needs to be said when it comes to dealing with abuse. I can only help us get a basic grip on the issue so that we are prepared in a fundamental way to help and counsel abuse situations.
Here’s the agenda we’ll follow today. We’ll first seek to define what abuse actually is. Second, we’ll discuss expectations for different abuse situations. Third, we’ll compare the worldly and the biblical approach to dealing with abuse at a high level. And then fourth, we’ll consider special counsel for those who are experiencing abuse.
Let’s start by defining abuse, which is harder to do than you might think. These days, it seems more and more people are claiming to have suffered abuse. Wives claim abuse from their husbands. Husbands claim abuse from their wives. Employees claim abuse from their bosses and managers. Students claim abuse from their teachers and coaches. Many people of all kinds claim to have been abused as children by their parents or by other relatives.
Is abuse on the rise? Is the reporting of abuse on the rise? Or is the definition of abuse getting broader so that more people will claim it? Perhaps the answer is a combination of these explanations.
If you look up the word “abuse” in the dictionary—pretty much no matter which dictionary you use—you’ll find a variant of three main definitions. What is abuse? It could be one: the wrong or excessive use of something. Two: communication that is cruel or rude. And three: physical mistreatment.
Now, based simply on those definitions, who today is suffering abuse in our society? Everyone! Everyone can claim abuse under those definitions. Someone’s driving too slow in front of you with a high weight. They’re misusing their car—abuse! Someone in your family says something slightly sarcastic to you—abuse! Your friend fouls you while you’re playing on the basketball court—abuse!
Yet, though all kinds of actions could technically qualify as abuse under a dictionary definition, that is not usually what people mean when they claim in counseling, “I’m being abused,” or “I have been abused.”
What do people usually mean when they claim abuse? It could be some sort of danger. Though I think there’s something more basic being said. I’m being deprived of certain fundamental rights. I would put it like this: if someone claims abuse in counseling, it is an indication that they believe they are being severely mistreated.
You’ve probably heard these days all different types of abuse: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical and sexual abuse. If we take all those categories, some type of severe mistreatment is happening, or at least somebody thinks that it’s happening. When you hear that in counseling, it has a claim to be taken seriously and gently investigated. You need to find out: what does that person mean by abuse? And what does the abuse look like in this situation?
“When someone claims abuse in counseling, it must be taken seriously — gently investigate what they mean and what it looks like.”
As you investigate, you may learn that some abuse is more felt than actually received. That is, someone can feel like they’re being severely mistreated when they actually haven’t. For example, Dr. Street, my counseling professor, talks about a real-life counseling situation in which a wife claimed abuse from her husband. But as Dr. Street investigated, he found out that what the wife considered abuse was just her husband disagreeing with her. She said to herself, “If he truly loves me, how dare he disagree with what I’ve asked him to do? This is abuse!”
No doubt the wife felt severely mistreated by her husband for not acquiescing to her point of view all of the time. But she was not actually being severely mistreated. So the counsel to her and to her husband needed to adjust accordingly.
However, many other times as you probe and ask, “What does that person mean by claiming abuse?” you will find out that there has indeed been, or maybe still is, severe mistreatment in the relationship or in the counselee’s life.
This could happen in any type of relationship, but even in a marriage relationship. A spouse who is constantly demeaning and criticizing the other. A spouse who’s engaging in a secret affair against the other. A spouse who neglects or actively avoids the other. These are severe mistreatments. Any kind of ongoing sin between people is a kind of abuse.
When you, as a counselor, find out that someone has suffered severe sin, it is appropriate that you lament with your counselee, that you help them find hope and help in God, equip them to respond like Jesus Christ. If the other sinning one is in the counseling room with you, confront them regarding their sin in both its heart and its life aspects.
We sinners are frequently both victims and victimizers. So even when you discover that someone in your counseling has been greatly sinned against, you may still need to help that one repent of their own sin, even perhaps their own severe mistreatment of others.
This is just counseling. Counseling usually involves severe mistreatment or ongoing sin between people. Sometimes people call it abuse, but this is just basic counseling. For that reason, I would say that what I’ve just described to you does not really help us get to our main topic today. We’ve just talked about a commonly assumed meaning for abuse, but we can be more precise with the term, at least for today’s class.
There is a kind of sinful mistreatment that threatens the physical life and well-being of another person. This kind of mistreatment is also called domestic violence. A New Jersey State Police defines domestic violence this way: “A pattern of physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse, which includes but is not limited to threats, intimidation, isolation, and or financial control.”
I think that definition informs a lot about the kind of definition for abuse that’s going to be most helpful for us to use as counselors. Not discounting other forms of sinful, severe mistreatment that you should address in your counseling.
A Working Definition of Abuse
Here’s my working, stricter definition for abuse in today’s class. What is abuse? I’m defining it as sinful behavior that threatens or actually harms the physical life and well-being of another, including physical violence, sexual assault, threatening speech and actions, forced isolation, and financial control.
Under this definition: throwing objects at your spouse to hurt him is abuse. Coercing your spouse into physical intimacy is rape and abuse. Punching your hand through a door to frighten your spouse is abuse. Warning your spouse that you will kill her someday is abuse. Hiding your spouse’s car keys so that she can’t escape while you’re gone is abuse. And keeping your spouse from having any access to the family’s money is abuse.
“Abuse is sinful behavior that threatens or actually harms the physical life and well-being of another.”
Truly, all ongoing sin among God’s people should be addressed. But abuse—sin of the kind that I’ve just outlined, that threatens or actually harms the physical life and well-being of another—requires special considerations in counseling. And that’s what I want to talk to you about now.
What kind of people experience abuse? All kinds. Men, women, children, the elderly. Though most commonly, the victims of abuse are the ones that you would expect: the ones who are physically weaker.
This is usually wives being abused by their husbands, children being abused by their parents, and elderly parents being abused by their now-grown and strong children.
Expectations for Different Abuse Situations
Well, we have defined abuse. Let’s briefly talk about expectations for different abuse situations. I have two diagrams for you here. I’m going to focus on abuse between a husband and wife in the rest of the class today. I will say things that are relevant to other situations of abuse, but I’m really just focusing on that particular situation.
The first diagram I want to show you is a marital matrix that illustrates four different kinds of marital combinations in which abuse might occur. The combinations depend on who’s the Christian and who’s the unbeliever. Sometimes you have two Christians, sometimes two unbelievers, and sometimes one or the other.
The second chart illustrates how hopeful and how promising, or how common and how promising, addressing a particular combination of husband and wife is, and also Bible verses that mainly describe the way forward.
From looking at the second chart, you may notice a few things. One: having truly Christian spouses—and I don’t mean merely professing Christians, but actual Christians who take the faith seriously, who are active in the local church, who want to deal with sin—makes dealing with an abuse situation very promising.
Can Christian husbands and wives abuse each other in the way that I’ve defined in this class? Yes, they can, and yes, they do. Though it is rare. When it happens, there is much hope for change.
Something else you may notice is that there’s less hope for change when the husband is not the Christian. If there’s a Christian wife but not a Christian husband, there’s less hope for change. God made men the physically stronger vessel, and an unbelieving husband is more likely to use his strength to abuse his wife and resist change himself.
A Christian wife is not hopeless in that situation, though. 1 Peter 3:1-6 reminds Christian wives of the power of an aggressive and faith-filled submission. Though it’s not as hopeful as other situations.
You can also tell from this chart three: there is little hope for change when both husband and wife are not Christians. Genesis 3:16 foretold that the marital battle for control would engulf the whole world as a result of sin. A wife’s desire would be to control her husband, and a husband’s desire would be to rule his wife with tyrannical domination.
Thus, this “King of the Hill” struggle is now and has always been manifest in marriages all over the world. Both husbands and wives, even resorting to abuse, physical harm, and threats to the other, to get their own way.
The only real hope for an abuse situation involving two unbelieving persons is the power of the gospel. They need to see that their marital struggle is a symptom of a more serious struggle that they have with God. They are in rebellion against God, and they have rejected God’s only Savior, Jesus Christ.
Until a couple believes the gospel, they will not be able to put into practice God’s design for marriage or see the curse fully removed from their relationship.
“The only real hope for an abuse situation involving two unbelieving persons is the power of the gospel.”
So really, the counseling to give in that situation is the gospel.
One other observation: going back to this chart, biblical counselors should involve proper authorities in abuse situations. If Christians are involved, the counselor should involve the church and civil authorities. If only unbelievers are involved, then they don’t have any reason to listen to the church. So you can only involve the civil authorities. I’ll say more about what that looks like at the end of our lesson.
Why Spouses Become Abusive
Now, why might a Christian husband or father or stepfather become abusive? That’s something the counselor must explore. Some common reasons would be: if a husband has a worldly view of his role as the head of the home, seeing himself as a dictator to be served and obeyed rather than a servant leader.
Perhaps the husband has cultivated a habit of overt physical anger expression over the years. He’s come to believe that’s normal. Perhaps the husband is experiencing frustration over an idol elsewhere in his life and then taking out the anger on his family. Perhaps the husband is harboring bitterness over past hurts from other family members.
Why might a Christian wife or mother or stepmother become abusive? A biblical counselor should explore whether the wife has a general, long-standing unhappiness and blames her husband or her children for it. Should investigate whether the wife is bitter over past wrongs and neglect from her husband.
And whether the wife has received self-help or psychotherapeutic training that has taught her to demand and insist upon her rights, which Dr. Street observed often correlates with wives becoming abusive in a strange way.
One other interesting note: while Christian wives will often seek counseling help over abusive husbands, Christian husbands seldom seek counseling help over abusive wives. Usually, the only way a biblical counselor will find out about a Christian wife abusing her husband is if the wife herself seeks help for dealing with her anger.
Now, why is that? Why are Christian husbands often hesitant to seek help when it comes to abuse? Maybe they think they can take it. They should just be tough. Maybe they’re ashamed that they’ve caused this or allowed their wives to become this way. Or maybe they think that loving their wives simply means putting up with abuse.
“Christian husbands may hesitate to seek help, wrongly thinking that loving their wives simply means putting up with abuse.”
The Worldly Approach to Abuse
Let’s now compare a worldly approach and a biblical approach to dealing with abuse. I know we’re moving quickly today, but we have a number of things to cover.
The main difference between these two approaches has to do with overarching goals, and that informs the methods that a therapist or a counselor will use.
What are the main goals of psychologists or Christian integrationists—that is, Christians who are trying to use psychological techniques and theory in their counseling—what are their main goals in trying to help in an abuse situation?
Well, number one: it is to stop the abused from being hurt or feeling helpless. And how will the world’s counselors do that? They will teach the abused to take control of their lives, to assert their rights. “Don’t try to appease your abusive spouse. Instead, calmly and confidently confront your mate. Show him that you are not afraid of him, or at least don’t show that you’re afraid of him. Set boundaries. Demand your rights. Put him on notice that you will not accept certain behavior from him anymore, and that there will be consequences if he persists.”
They also will seek to teach the abused principles of tough love. “If your mate crosses the boundaries you have said, don’t overlook. Don’t forgive. Enforce the consequences that you foretold and threatened. If you told him that you would not respond to him unless he speaks to you in a certain way, then don’t respond to him. If you told him that you would leave if he kept up his behavior, then leave. Teach him to take you seriously by following through on whatever you warned him about.”
Now, you can see a certain logic to this approach, right? And the counselors who teach this approach, by and large, really are trying to help. But based on what the scriptures say, and based on even many of the principles and commands of the Bible that we’ve looked at in this course, what is the likely outcome of this counsel?
Yeah, it’s probably going to get worse. It’s probably going to lead to more strife in the family and eventually separation.
You can consider how opposite this is from biblical counsel. The Bible doesn’t teach you to assert your rights. Look at Jesus. The Bible instead calls on believers not to respond to evil with evil, but with good, according to 1 Peter 2:21-22. And we’ve made reference to that passage multiple times.
A basic part of being a Christian is that you commit to suffering righteously under injustice, like Jesus, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in his mouth. And by being reviled, he did not revile in return. While suffering, he uttered no threats, but he kept trusting himself to him who judges righteously.
Now, Jesus was willing to call out sin, but he did not insist upon his rights. He didn’t say, “You better treat me rightly, or I won’t be good to you anymore.” Far from it. Out of abundant, supernatural love, he died for sinners, for the ones who were mistreating him.
1 Peter 3:1-6 says that wives are to have a similar attitude toward their husbands. And 1 Peter 3:7 says the husband should have a similar attitude toward their wives.
Worldly wisdom naturally teaches that the way to get love and the way to secure desired behavior is to teach people lessons and force consequences on them. But the reality is—the reality is—because of man’s sinful heart, such acts usually only lead to greater strife and a worsened relationship. “Oh, you’re going to do that to me? Well, I’m going to do it to you back.” It just enforces a negative spiral.
“Because of man’s sinful heart, worldly methods of enforcing consequences usually only lead to greater strife and a worsened relationship.”
Worldly help for the abused essentially tries to teach them to become demanding people, and this is only likely to provoke, but not justify, further abuse.
So then, if the prescribed methods from the world’s counselors don’t help the abused reach this first goal, psychologists and integrationists have a second goal. And Hostway has already alluded to it: to stop the abuser from being able to inflict harm.
And how will the world’s counselors accomplish this? By counseling separation. “If the abuser is not willing to learn about himself, if he will not respect your boundaries, if he will not show that he values the relationship, then you have no option except to leave him.
Escape to a domestic violence shelter where you’ll be strongly encouraged never to return to your abusive mate. Gain legal separation from your spouse. Eventually, divorce your spouse. After all, once an abuser, always an abuser.
If he has shown that he’s not willing to change, you have no choice. You must move on for your own good.”
Now, as tragic as this approach from the world is, here we can understand why people turn to it, why people counsel it, can’t we? Because indeed, what hope is there for a changed abusive relationship without the gospel, without Christ? What hope is there in changing the abuser or the abused if there’s no supernatural work in the heart? The world can see nothing better to do than to just end the relationship.
But the Bible instructs believers differently because the Bible gives hope.
“The Bible instructs believers differently because the Bible gives hope.”
Ultimately, the psychological and integrational approach in abuse situations has its highest goal to protect the physical life and well-being of the abused. This is not a bad goal, but it doesn’t go far enough. It’s too low. It’s not accompanied by other important goals.
Notice the world’s approach focuses entirely on the abused. Virtually no ministry to the abuser. Furthermore, the world’s approach does not notice or take into account any spiritual elements having to do with an abuse situation, even whether one or both in the couple are true Christians. So inevitably, these oversights make the world’s counseling approach inferior to a biblical counseling approach.
The Biblical Approach: Training in Godliness
What is the biblical approach? What is a biblical counselor’s approach to dealing with abuse?
As shown in main goals, number one: to teach the abused how to be God’s kind of person amid even severe trials.
The negative stereotype of biblical counselors is that they teach abused persons, especially wives, to just go back and be punching bags in their homes for Jesus. But this is not biblical. Counselors teach—we do want to help the abused use the resources God has provided them in the church and the government to escape physical danger and preserve their lives in health.
But more than that—more than we want the abused to be safe—we want to train them in godliness. We want to show them how they can draw strength and comfort from Jesus, how they can forgive, and instead of seeking vengeance or running away, and even how they can love those who have abused them with God’s supernatural love.
“More than we want the abused to be safe, we want to train them in godliness — to draw strength from Jesus and love even those who have abused them.”
Now, that seems like an unrealistic and twisted goal. Let me show you something. Again, in 1 Peter 2, please take your Bibles. Open to 1 Peter, chapter 2.
I’m sure if a worldly counselor heard what I just said, they would be flabbergasted. “You were just signing her up for more abuse! You are making her codependent!”
What the Bible Says About Suffering Unjustly
Let’s look at what the scriptures say. First Peter, chapter 2. Before we get to the suffering example of Christ in verses 21 to 25, and before we get to the commands to wives and husbands in First Peter 3:1-7, we have 1 Peter 2:18-20, which is God’s command through Peter to household slaves. Look at what Peter writes to them.
1 Peter 2:18-20: “Servants, that is, household slaves, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. For this finds favor if, for the sake of conscience toward God, a person bears up sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if, when you do what is right and suffer for it, you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.”
How well do you think household slaves were treated in first-century Rome? It depended on the household. If they had a good master, they could be treated very well. They could almost seem like equal members of society. They could be freed after a certain number of years.
If they had a bad master, if they had an unreasonable master—literally, a crooked master is what this text says—it could be very bad. Both male and female slaves were regularly physically and sexually abused in Roman society. They had no recourse in a society that saw them truly as property.
“A man can do with this property what he wants. He wants to abuse them? That’s his prerogative. If he destroys them, well, he destroyed his own property. So he’s already suffered the loss for it. We don’t need to prosecute him.”
Yet what is God’s counsel to his precious children who are suffering in this way, as slaves? Clearly, their lives, their health, their basic dignity is being threatened by abuse. What is God’s counsel?
“If physical health and well-being were the ultimate good and ultimate goal, would not the counsel from God be to escape? ‘Run away at your first opportunity. Slaves, the church will help you. Your master has clearly forfeited his right to own you by mistreating you in the way that he has. So get away as soon as you can.’”
Now, God does say in 1 Corinthians 7 that if slaves are able to become free by legal means, they should do so. By all means. But here, what is the counsel? “Be submissive to your masters with all respect.”
We’ve seen this word “submission” before. Voluntarily line yourself up under your master’s will with all respect. Notice the reason why. Is it to gain the master’s favor? Is it to lessen and stop the abuse? That could be a nice product, but that’s not the reason given here.
Notice the reason given here: “It is that if you continue to do what is right when you suffer unjustly, you will please God. You will find favor with God.”
In other words, what is the top priority for slaves? Not physical health. Not securing proper treatment. But what? Glorifying God. Being God’s kind of man or woman, no matter the circumstances, no matter the mistreatment. That’s top priority.
“The top priority for believers is not physical health — it is glorifying God, being his kind of person no matter the circumstances.”
Now, praise God, today in America we have many protections that did not exist in the ancient world and that still do not exist in some parts of the world. But if health and safety is your top priority as a Christian, friend, you are in the wrong outfit.
Jesus says in Luke 9:23: “If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross—his method of shameful, prolonged execution—take up his cross daily and follow me.”
Jesus says in Mark 8:35: “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.”
Paul testifies in Acts 20:24, as he faced suffering, imprisonment, and possible death in Jerusalem for the sake of Christ: “But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God.”
I am convinced that many problems in Christian sanctification, and even Christian marriages, stem from the fact that Christians do not expect and are unwilling to suffer severe and prolonged mistreatment for Christ’s sake. They say, “I didn’t sign up for this. Therefore, I demand my rights.” But that is the opposite of our calling.
We show ourselves to be true disciples of Christ when we say, “I will suffer for him, no matter how deep, no matter how long. I’ll need God’s help for that, but this is what I signed up for when I became a Christian.”
“We show ourselves to be true disciples of Christ when we say, ‘I will suffer for him, no matter how deep, no matter how long.’”
Christians are not insane masochists. We don’t seek out suffering just for suffering’s sake. But for love’s sake, for Christ’s sake, for the gospel’s sake. When we understand this, we are not only willing to suffer, but we are willing to die. Really, for what other reason are we alive?
Philippians 1:21: “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. I’m only here to glorify Christ. If I can do that by my suffering and death, then I will have accomplished my purpose.”
Biblical Goals in Abuse Counseling
Yes, biblical counselors do want to protect the lives and health of the abused. But even more, we want to show them how to walk before the Lord in holiness. That is our first priority.
A second priority is to win the abuser over to righteousness through biblical counseling, with intent to expose and transform the heart through the discipline of the church, through legal intervention, and through the righteous behavior of the abused person herself, fortified with biblical counsel. We want to win the abused person to Jesus, into renewed obedience.
It is impossible for abusers to change. But as Jesus says in Luke 18:27, “The things that are impossible with people are possible with God.” We don’t know if he will change or she will change, but God says he is capable of accomplishing it. So that is our goal.
We seek these goals because what is ultimately our driving ambition as Christians and as biblical counselors? It is to glorify God. To the good of both the abused and the abuser.
“Our driving ambition as Christians and as biblical counselors is to glorify God — to the good of both the abused and the abuser.”
What we seek to teach the abused and the abuser through counseling is to seek the glory of God above all. That is what we must do as counselors.
We have broadly described the biblical counselor’s approach to an abuse situation and contrasted it with the world’s popular approach. The final thing I want to discuss with you today is what truths from the Bible should you, as a counselor, especially bring to bear to provide help and hope to the abused?
I have three categories of those, and I’ll go over them briefly.
God as Our Stronghold in Trouble
Excuse me. First, we want to show the suffering counsel—the abused person—God is our stronghold amid trouble, always.
When people are facing deep suffering, you need to point them to the only sure hope, and that is God himself. Not God changing your circumstances. It is God himself. Circumstances may change. They may not. People may change. They may not. But God is greater than people, and he is greater than circumstances. And you will remain faithful to that counseling, no matter what.
God sees and knows all. He sees his people abused and is taking note. He is committed to defending the cause of the oppressed who cry out to him. He hates injustice. He has promised to bring about vengeance and vindication at the right time.
God has promised that his people will go through trouble. He has also ordained that whatever trouble his people experience will accomplish his ultimate glory and their ultimate good. Most important of all, God is with people in their trouble, and he will always provide his own unquenchable life, joy, and peace through the suffering.
I put a number of references up there, and you can see many of them are from the Psalms. You’ve got to show that sufferer, that abused person, the Psalms, because that’s what the psalmists were dealing with all the time. “God, I’m suffering. God, I’m suffering.” How did they deal with it? They found refuge in God.
“God sees his people abused and is taking note. He is committed to defending the cause of the oppressed who cry out to him.”
That’s number one.
How God Teaches Us to Walk Through Trouble
Number two: give help and hope to the abused by showing them God teaches us. God shows us how to walk amid trouble. He doesn’t just give us comfort. He shows us what to do. He’s not there just to comfort us, but to direct us and to empower us to do his will.
What is his will? What does God want a Christian to do amid abuse?
He wants the Christian to trust God. He wants the Christian to seek godly counsel and support from the church. He wants the Christian to rely on God’s providential protection and not remain in fear.
He wants the Christian to practice radical love, aggressive submission, and generous forgiveness. He wants the Christian to overcome evil with good. And he wants the Christian to prudently avoid unnecessary trouble.
“God wants the Christian to practice radical love, aggressive submission, and generous forgiveness — overcoming evil with good.”
The Abused and Their Own Responsibility
I want to say something extra about that last bullet point because I don’t want you to misunderstand. We may sometimes have the idea that abused persons always are just mild and meek persons trying to go quietly about their lives, and then abusers come around like tyrannical ogres who cannot rest until they have hurt or terrorized some innocent victim. That may be true in some cases, but that is not usually the case.
In abuse situations, abused persons will often themselves speak or act in sinful ways that provoke their mates to abuse them. In fact, some marriage relationships feature husbands and wives both abusing each other and both responding to that abuse with more abuse.
Now, listen carefully to what I’m about to say: no matter what a person says or doesn’t say, no matter what a person does or doesn’t do, abuse is never justified. It is never an inevitable response. The Bible declares that no matter how anyone provokes you, you are responsible for your own behavior, your thoughts, your actions, your words.
No one ever makes you sin, and you never make anyone else sin. Even when you provoke them, however, Christians are called not to provoke others to sin. Matthew 18:6 says that doing so is sin: “Better to have a millstone tied around your neck and be thrown into the sea than to cause someone else to sin, one of God’s people, to sin.”
Furthermore, a Christian suffering abuse will go a long way to lessening that abuse and winning her abuser over to Christ if she will stop provoking her partner with sin.
Consider again 1 Peter 2:20: “For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if, when you do what is right and suffer for it, you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.”
Did you catch that? If you do something wrong and are abused, don’t think that when you endure through that abuse that you find favor with God. No, you get no credit, Peter says. But if you do what is right and still are abused, and you righteously endure it, then that finds favor with God.
So the moral of the story: abusers are fully accountable. No excuses are acceptable. And the abused are entitled to protection from all abuse, whether it was provoked or not. However, an abused person should not foolishly provoke abuse from their mates by their own sin or by their own naiveté.
“No matter what a person says or does, abuse is never justified. You are responsible for your own behavior. No one ever makes you sin.”
You notice the Proverbs verse there. It says, “You rebuke a scoffer, you’re going to get anger. You’re gonna get hatred. So be wise. Don’t provoke unnecessary trouble.”
Practical Protections God Has Provided
One third source of help and hope for the abused: we want to show them that God has provided them. God has provided us practical protections that we should utilize.
Psalm 41:1 says that God blesses those who assist the helpless. Proverbs 31:8 calls on godly leaders to defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.
Biblical counselors, therefore, should help those who are suffering abuse find protection in the church, under the church authorities, and also in the government and under civil authorities.
The Church as Protector
How can the church protect the abused or help protect the abused?
First of all, by practicing and enforcing church discipline in a way biblical counseling is just the first part of church discipline. But the church needs to be willing to go all the way and follow the model of Matthew 18:15-18. Christians, make sure that unrepentant abuse does not remain unaddressed in secret, but it is exposed more and more until the whole church knows about it and calls for the repentance of the abuser, to the point of excommunication if necessary.
Church discipline is very painful for the abuser, and it should strongly encourage him to change through counseling. But if he will not do so, it will at least remove his polluting influence from the church.
Secondly, by providing the abused safe refuge from the abuser. The church also gives protection in this way.
Some abused persons are afraid to open up about abuse because they are afraid of retaliation if they remain at home. The church, therefore, should be ready to provide a secret place of safety among the households of the church for the abused to find protection while the church discipline process proceeds and allegations of abuse are investigated more thoroughly.
We don’t know right away whether the abuse really took place. But if somebody claims abuse and they say, “I’m unsafe. I’m in danger,” and you say, “Well, while we investigate, we’re going to provide safety for you,” an abused person leaving her home in this way may be suddenly cut off from financial support and may need to leave things behind, like her phone, so that she’s not trackable.
Therefore, the church should come alongside the abused and other family members who are primarily responsible for taking care of their own family’s needs. Come alongside the abused and other family members to provide practical and financial assistance to the abused person while she is not at home.
Lord willing, this is just a temporary thing. This is not, “Okay, now you live with us now, and you’ll never see your husband again.” No, this is just while the other parts of the process proceed.
And by the way, if you are able and willing to offer your own home as a secret safe house for an indefinite period of time for someone fleeing abuse, then please let me know privately, because we want to make sure, as a church, that we are always ready to provide this needed ministry.
“The church must ensure that unrepentant abuse does not remain in secret, but is exposed until the whole church calls for the abuser’s repentance.”
The Government as Protector
But the church is not the only practical protector. There is also the government.
Romans 13:3-4 says that God put a sword into the hand of governments to punish those who do evil. We Christians should take advantage of that sword to protect the abused.
The law in New Jersey does not require the reporting of any discovered domestic violence to the police. A victim may call the police, and if there is sufficient evidence, the abuse may take legal recourse against her abuser, like in getting a restraining order.
New Jersey law does require that anyone discovering or having reasonable cause to expect, or reasonable cause to suspect, child abuse must report it to the NJ child abuse hotline or risk a disorderly person offense—kind of like a low-level crime.
It may be in the course of counseling that you decide, or the abused person decides, “I’m going. I want to get the police involved. I need some legal protection.” You should be able to help the abused person with that.
Certainly, if the abused person discovers, or if you, the counselor, discover that the abused person’s life is in danger, if you cannot immediately get that person to a church safe house, then you must call 911. You should be willing to protect the life of the helpless.
I know some abused persons are very hesitant to involve the police. “Oh, I don’t want to. I don’t want it to escalate to that level.” But remember, this is partly the reason why we have police: so that they can protect people. It’s not always perfect, but that is one advantage that we have in our society.
Also, some Christians are hesitant to involve courts because of what 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 says. It seems to suggest that Christians should never go to court against other Christians. But that is not what that passage teaches.
That passage teaches that Christians should not bring lawsuits against one another. But if a criminal act has taken place, use the courts. Use the courts to protect the innocent.
The Apostle Paul wasn’t afraid to do so when people tried to kill him. We shouldn’t be afraid to do so either.
These two sources of practical protection are not mutually exclusive. It’s not like, “Okay, I can use the church, or I can use the law.” No, you can use them both at the same time. The abused can seek legal protection as she also finds refuge among the church and enters into counseling and the church discipline process with her husband.
“Christians should not bring lawsuits against one another — but if a criminal act has taken place, use the courts to protect the innocent.”
I keep saying “her” and “her husband” just because that’s the most common type of situation. But that covers any other type of situation.
It’s not either or. It can be both.
Conclusion
End. Well, I know that was a lot. But like I said, this is just an introduction to this weighty topic. You’ll find more information regarding abuse and how to approach it in the homework. But at least now, hopefully, from today’s class, you have a basic framework for dealing with the topic.
We can help in abuse situations. We are called to do so. We Christians can’t say, “Oh, this is too hard. This is too scary. Let the professionals deal with it.” The professionals are not going to handle it like the Bible calls us to.
We can do this. We have to do it with the Lord’s help. And we want to be careful. We want to be wise. But yes, you and I, we can help counsel the abused and abusers, and we can help provide protection in those situations for the glory of God.
“We can help counsel the abused and abusers and provide protection for the glory of God. We can do this — with the Lord’s help.”
I’m sure you probably have questions. If you do, email me or catch me later in church, and I can try to answer them for you.
That’s it for this week. Next week, we’ll talk about the other topic that I was hoping we’d get to today, but we definitely didn’t have time for it. We’ll talk about dealing with homosexuality in the home.
Let’s close in prayer.
Oh God, we are grieved that we do need this kind of instruction. Oh Lord, this is just a testimony to the brokenness of the world. You designed marriage to be good. You designed relationships between people to be a blessing and to be enriching, not to be destructive, not to be a source of misery, not to be a source of great physical and spiritual anguish.
Oh Lord, we look forward to your kingdom coming, where things like abuse will be gone. But until that time, God, we want to be faithful. We want to help the oppressed. We not only want to protect their lives, God, but we want to show them how to live godly.
And Lord, we want to reach abusers who are not just destroying others but destroying themselves and on their way to being destroyed eternally. God, your supernatural Spirit enables us to do this ministry. We tremble, God, because on our own we could never do this. But with you, we are more than conquerors.
And Lord, you have saved and you have sanctified people in abuse situations. That gives us comfort. That gives us hope. Lord, be glorified in the rest of this service. Please build up your people in Jesus’ name, amen.
Amen. Thank you.