Lesson 10: God's Design for Parenting, Part 2

In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia overviews seven biblical emphases for parental instruction and four critical considerations for blended/step-families. Pastor Dave then opens up a time a testimony for Christian parents in the class.

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Summary

We are reminded that Christian parenting is a calling rooted in God’s word, requiring both faithful instruction and loving discipline. This lesson explores seven biblical emphases parents should teach their children, addresses the unique challenges of blended families, and closes with congregational testimony about God’s faithfulness in parenting.

Key Lessons:

Discipline, including the rod, is an act of love that promotes closeness between parent and child—not distance—and is a rescue mission for the child’s soul.
Parents are called to teach seven key biblical truths to their children: the value of wisdom, the danger of folly, the importance of good companions, God’s design for marriage and sex, the importance of hard work, the vapor-like nature of life, and Christ and the gospel.
Blended families face unique challenges and must prioritize the marriage relationship above biological loyalties, maintain unity in parenting, and hold all children accountable as sinners in need of grace.
Parents model the gospel most powerfully when they themselves submit to God’s discipline, repent openly before their children, and demonstrate that they too are children under the heavenly Father.

Application: We are called to be proactive, word-saturated parents who teach biblical truth early and often—especially about Christ and the gospel—and who support one another in the church as witnesses to God’s design for the family.

Discussion Questions:

Which of the seven biblical emphases for parental instruction do you find most neglected in Christian homes today, and what practical steps could you take to address that?
How does understanding discipline as a ‘rescue mission’ change the way you think about correcting your children?
In what ways does your own walk with God—your response to his discipline and your repentance—serve as teaching for the children in your home?

Scripture Focus: Proverbs and Ecclesiastes (as books addressed to youth); Deuteronomy (teaching children diligently); 2 Timothy 3:14–15 (sacred writings leading to salvation through faith in Christ); Psalm 127 (the Lord builds the house); 1 Timothy 2:15 and 4:7–8 (the calling of mothers and the importance of discipline).

Outline

Introduction
Review of Last Week and Today’s Agenda
Seven Biblical Emphases in Parental Instruction

1. Teach the Nature and Value of Wisdom
2. Teach the Danger and Consequences of Folly
3. Teach the Importance of Good Companions
4. Teach God’s Design for Marriage and Sex
5. Teach the Importance of Hard Work and Discipline
6. Teach the Vapor-Like Nature of Life
7. Teach Christ and the Gospel

Special Considerations for Blended Families

1. Blended Families Need Hope
2. Stepparents Need a High View of Marriage
3. Stepparents Need a Biblically Realistic View of Their Children
4. Stepparents Need Unity in Their Parenting Approach

Congregational Testimony

The Importance of Parental Example and Repentance
Trusting God as the Builder of the House
The High Calling of Motherhood

Introduction

The thing that touched me most personally when I got to the very end was about how the rod promotes an atmosphere of closeness and openness between parent and child. The parent who is engaging his child and refusing to ignore things that challenge the integrity of their relationship, which is important, will experience intimacy with that child.

When a child is allowed to be sullen and disobedient, distance develops between the parent and the child. I thought back to my own life. As a teenager, I was given a lot of freedom, and though I don’t think I would have wanted the discipline, I think that I could see where it would have definitely brought me closer to my parents.

I was given that freedom. As I would have rebelled against it and not wanted it, in my heart of hearts I think that would have made a big difference.

That’s a good observation. Mentioning the idea that discipline actually brings closeness—discipline done right brings closeness between the parent and child, not the opposite. That’s what a lot of people are fearful of: if I discipline them, or if I discipline them this way, they’re not going to like me and we’re not going to have a relationship.

But it’s actually the opposite. When you don’t discipline, or when you discipline wrongly, that’s what promotes the distance—either in being totally independent, or when you use a discipline form that just allows them to stew in their unhappiness against their parent. But discipline in general, and even in particular the discipline of the rod, it allows that issue to be dealt with quickly and completely. Then you move on, and parent and child can enjoy their relationship.

“Discipline done right brings closeness between parent and child, not the opposite.”

Review of Last Week and Today’s Agenda

Okay, we turn to today’s topic: God’s Design for Parenting, Part Two. Last week we noted how many parents don’t experience God’s intended blessing in parenting because they are ignorant of, or unwilling to follow, God’s way. We also noted that there is a great deal of freedom when it comes to Christian parenting—freedom that should free us up from unfairly judging ourselves or others with a standard that is not really God’s.

We also looked at seven aspects of God’s design for parenting that all Christians should follow. There’s a great deal of freedom, but there are certain commitments that you must have according to the scriptures. I tried to go over those with you last week. I’m not going to go over those again. You can see them on the slide.

“There is a great deal of freedom in Christian parenting, but certain commitments are required by the scriptures.”

For today, I have three agenda items. First, I’d like to consider with you seven biblical emphases in parental instruction. We talked a fair amount about discipline last week. We’re going to talk a little bit more about instruction today.

Second, I’d like to discuss special considerations for parents in blended families—that is, families that have been formed with stepchild, step-sibling, and step-parent relationships.

Third, I’d also like to give you some time at the end of today’s class to give testimony regarding God’s design for parenting. Though my intent is to teach you from the scriptures what God says about parenting, even if I have not personally experienced all the stages of parenthood, I still have come to know the scriptures and have been well taught by Christian teachers who are parents.

Nevertheless, I think you will be encouraged to hear the testimonies and even the counsel of brethren who have been through it or who are going through different stages of parenting. I’m going to leave some time for that at the end of class today.

Seven Biblical Emphases in Parental Instruction

But let’s get to our first agenda item: seven biblical emphases in parental instruction.

We saw last week that Christian parents are called to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. But what kind of instruction exactly should parents be diligent to provide for their children? It is in the Lord, but can we be more specific?

In one sense, the answer to that question is basic and easy. What is the instruction of the Lord that parents are to give their children? It’s the word of God. It’s the Bible. God tells us many times in the Bible that we are to teach his word, we are to teach his commandments, we are to teach his wisdom to the next generation.

Christian parents should be looking for and creating opportunities to teach and talk about what the Bible says with their kids. But we can be even more specific than that.

“Christian parents should be looking for and creating opportunities to teach and talk about what the Bible says with their kids.”

There are certain parts of the Bible that Christian parents should highlight for their children. Why do I say that? Well, consider this: there are two books of the Bible that are specifically addressed to young people. Anybody know which two?

Proverbs and Ecclesiastes.

Now, someone might say, “Well, what about First and Second Timothy? They’re addressed to a young person.” But that’s a little bit unique because the young person is also an apostolic representative and a church leader. The letter that is addressed to him is also addressed to the church that he’s with. So it’s not exactly—or I should say, only certain parts of those letters give specific direction to young people.

But as for Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, you can notice some phrasing that indicates the target audience. Proverbs begins in its opening by saying one of its purposes is—and this is Proverbs 1:4—”to give prudence to the naive, to the youth knowledge and discretion.”

Proverbs 1:8 shortly thereafter continues: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”

In Proverbs 7, when trying to warn the listener about immorality, Proverbs 7:6-7, the author writes: “For at the window of my house I looked out through my lattice, and I saw among the naive and discerned among the youths a young man lacking sense.”

You can see the target audience there. But Ecclesiastes also—which you might not think, like, “Oh, no, it’s kind of a mature book”—consider some of the phrases at the end of that book.

Ecclesiastes 11:9: “Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of your young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you into judgment for all these things.”

A couple verses later, Ecclesiastes 12:1: “Remember also your creator in the days of your youth.”

It’s kind of a useless instruction if you’re not talking to somebody who’s a youth.

Ecclesiastes 12:12: “But beyond this, my son, be warned. The writing of many books is endless.”

If certain books of the Bible are specifically directed towards the young, it makes sense to conclude that certain Bible truths, especially in those books, are worth emphasizing to young people, even from their parents.

So what truths might those be? I put together a list of seven. This isn’t necessarily exhaustive, but these ones seem main to me. They mainly come from Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. We’ll look at each of these briefly.

What should parents emphasize in their instruction to their children?

1. Teach the Nature and Value of Wisdom

Number one: Parents should teach their children about the nature and value of wisdom.

Isn’t that the chief concern of these two books? Proverbs opens with this concept and repeatedly returns to it. Young people must realize how much they lack but need and should desire wisdom—true skill for living—and also recognize where they can find it with God.

Proverbs 1:7 declares that the fear of the Lord, the fear of Yahweh, is the beginning of wisdom.

Proverbs 4:7 declares that the beginning of wisdom is: acquire wisdom. You have to recognize your need for it, and you have to go after it.

Proverbs 2 and Proverbs 4 urge young people to seek wisdom like a prize and hold fast to it like a priceless treasure, even if that wisdom comes by painful correction.

Proverbs and Ecclesiastes describe many of the temporal benefits that accompany wisdom, even God’s wisdom. These include honor, economic prosperity, deliverance from trouble, good health, and friendship. But these books also emphasize the lasting gain that comes from wisdom: life, happiness, contentment, a right relationship with God, and deliverance from God’s coming judgment.

“Young people must realize how much they lack but need and should desire wisdom—true skill for living.”

Parents should teach their children about the nature and value of wisdom. Along with that:

2. Teach the Danger and Consequences of Folly

Number two: Parents should teach their children about the danger and consequences of folly.

Dr. Street, in his counseling class, says that children come into the world as hedonistic existentialists. That is to say, children naturally feel like they should be allowed to do whatever they want without experiencing the consequences for it.

Children arrive naive, with a bent towards foolishness. Parents need to show them from God’s reliable word the nature and outcome of that path of folly.

As Proverbs 1, 5, 6, 7, and 9 teach, we need to be realistic with our children first of all about the allure of folly. It’s going to seem good. It’s going to look good. It’s going to feel good at first.

Lady Folly says in Proverbs 9:17: “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”

To indulge their flesh, to do what they feel like, to refuse to heed correction and instruction will naturally seem good to our children. We need to be realistic with them about that.

But we also need to warn them about the devastating outcome of even a little foolishness.

Proverbs 9:18, right after that statement from Lady Folly that says it’s going to be so good, says: “But he—that is, the naive one who goes to her—does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of Sheol, that is, the grave.”

You remember that statement from Ecclesiastes 10? It talks about how a little foolishness spoils so much good. Just one little fly in the ointment, and it’s all spoiled.

As with wisdom, there are great temporal consequences to folly: dishonor, poverty, needless trouble and pain, poor health, destroyed relationships. But Proverbs and Ecclesiastes also point us to the lasting consequences of folly: death, misery, enmity with God, and a sure and hopeless judgment to come.

We need to help our children see and choose God’s better way of life and wisdom over the flesh’s way of death and foolishness.

“We need to help our children see and choose God’s better way of life and wisdom over the flesh’s way of death.”

Now, we should look to instruct our children in these generally. But we can also give specific instances of wisdom versus folly, and they’re going to be the next emphases I share with you.

3. Teach the Importance of Good Companions

Number three: Parents should teach their children about the importance of good companions.

Strikingly, the very first instruction in Proverbs 1, after the opening seven verses, is a warning to the young listener from becoming the companion of foolish sinners and joining with them in their evil enterprises. They will entice. They’ll say, “Come with us. We’re going to do this thing. We’re not going to get in trouble.” But he says, “Beware. Don’t go with them.”

Proverbs 2 goes on to say that wisdom will specifically guard a person from the devious man and the devious woman who wants to bring a person to join them on their path.

On the other side, Proverbs and Ecclesiastes declare the benefit and protection that comes with walking with the wise, walking with God-fearing companions.

Proverbs 13:20 says: “He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”

Ecclesiastes 7:5 says: “It is better to listen to the rebuke of a wise man than for one to listen to the song of fools.”

Parents, your children’s friends and teachers, and to a certain extent media personalities, will be a strong influence on your children. You must not only teach your children about the need for discernment and the necessity of seeking out good companions for themselves, but also, especially in your children’s early days, you need to be ready to intervene, to limit, or even remove certain relationships in your child’s life that are an ongoing bad influence.

Proverbs 13:20: “He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”

4. Teach God’s Design for Marriage and Sex

Number four: Parents should teach their children about God’s design for marriage and sex.

Poignantly, in the foundational introductory section of Proverbs—Proverbs 1-9—at least two and a half of the nine chapters, Proverbs 5 and 7 and half of 6, are focused on the danger of sexual sin and how a person must respond to that danger.

Why so much emphasis? Why so much text devoted to that topic? The conclusion must be because the issue is particularly important for young people.

The issue appears in Ecclesiastes 7:23-29 as an issue of basic but critical wisdom. You might remember that passage. Solomon says, “I’ve been searching my whole life for that ultimate wisdom. I couldn’t find it. But I did find this: the woman whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are chains.” He talks about the consequences that come from a relationship like that.

It’s basic wisdom. We parents must teach our children about the allure of sexual sin, its enslaving nature, its terrible long-lasting consequences, even eternal consequences, and its origin in the desires of their own heart. These are all things that Proverbs emphasizes.

But the teaching must not all be negative. As Proverbs 5:15 and 19 say, we should also teach our children about the goodness, the honor, the delight that comes from God’s design for marriage and the sexual relationship.

There we will have to be proactive rather than merely reactive in teaching our children about these things. We cannot simply wait until our children have already gotten into trouble before we address these topics with them.

Indeed, many parents are hesitant to bring up the topic of sex with their children. Or perhaps they think to themselves that around puberty, parents can have “the talk,” and then never have to speak about it again. But that’s foolish. It’s likely to set up your children for failure.

Why is that? Because while you’re not talking to your kids about marriage and sex, guess who is? The world, their own flesh, and Satan.

Really, with all the teaching topics I’m mentioning right now, but definitely this one: parents should speak to their children early and often about God’s design for marriage and sex. This is not one sit-down conversation you have at a key moment in their lives. This is a conversation that should be taking place over years, at age-appropriate levels.

You will not share everything in the beginning, but as they grow up, you will share more and more. But it needs to be a topic from even early days, and one addressed without embarrassment but also without perversity.

Like I said in the lesson on God’s design for marriage and marital union, let the Bible itself and its forthrightness on this topic be a model and an encouragement to you so that you may purposefully address these topics with your children. It’s a critical area of truth.

And understand that if you avoid this topic, or if you teach your children explicitly or implicitly never to talk about it, you may make yourself more comfortable, but you do a serious disservice to your children.

“This is not one sit-down conversation. It should take place over years, at age-appropriate levels.”

5. Teach the Importance of Hard Work and Discipline

Number five: Parents should teach their children about the importance of hard work and discipline.

Some of this will come through in your formative discipline. You make sure you don’t do everything for your kids, or they’ll feel entitled. You need to teach them that they must understand the need for hard work in this world.

But this would also be an ongoing emphasis in your communication and your instruction.

Proverbs 6:6-11, as well as many individual proverbs throughout that book, teach the necessity and the reward of hard work and the self-destructive consequences of laziness.

Ecclesiastes, meanwhile, while warning against workaholism, commends working hard as one of the best ways to enjoy life. That’s Ecclesiastes 9.

Even if we bring in the letters of Timothy, 1 Timothy 4:7 and 8 emphasizes the importance of hard work, discipline, and self-denial for the Christian life.

To remind you of those verses, 1 Timothy 4:7b-8: “On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness. For bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

So many aspects of practical, spiritual, relational, familial, and professional life are wrapped up in a person’s ability to delay gratification, persevere against the flesh, and accomplish important tasks.

Your child will naturally be inclined towards laziness and the pursuit of tasks that don’t really matter. You must love your children enough to teach them and model before them the importance of hard work and discipline.

“You must love your children enough to teach them and model before them the importance of hard work and discipline.”

6. Teach the Vapor-Like Nature of Life

Number six: Parents should teach their children the vapor-like nature of life.

This is what Ecclesiastes is all about, and it’s an important balancing measure to teaching our children the truths of Proverbs.

Our naturally naive children will be inclined to make too much out of the passing gifts of this world, and even wisdom itself. They will be inclined to make too much out of food, drink, work, marriage, sex, and wisdom. They might be inclined to take the maxims of Proverbs as promises that will apply in every case—life will go well for them always if they just pursue God’s way.

But we need to teach our children the truth of Ecclesiastes: that because of the curse of sin, life is a vapor. Nothing satisfies. Nothing secures. Nothing is completely understandable. And nothing lasts.

Moreover, death is coming quickly and will make everything that they live for now meaningless and frustrating.

This isn’t meant to leave your kids, or yourself, a depressed nihilist. This is to show them—to lead them to fear God and to live for him and to find grateful satisfaction in his little gifts, but not treat them as ultimate treasures.

Teaching our children this will help prevent them from becoming thoroughly destabilized when they encounter the vapor-like nature of life firsthand. “Dad, I worked so hard on this and it didn’t work.” “Yeah, I know. That’s the vapor-like nature of life.” We will prevent them from being particularly destabilized.

But also, if and when they take these truths to heart, they will become humbler, more grateful, and more satisfied people. It’s an important truth for them to realize.

“Teaching children the vapor-like nature of life leads them to fear God and find grateful satisfaction in his gifts.”

And then finally, number seven—this is probably the one that you expect the most, right?

7. Teach Christ and the Gospel

Parents should teach their children about Christ and the gospel.

Christ and the gospel are more implicitly rather than explicitly taught in Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. But we would be derelict as parents if, alongside all the other ways that we do need and want to prepare our children for living life skillfully in this world, we neglect to teach them what is most important, what is most critical—not just for this life, but the life to come.

Many of us have memorized 2 Timothy 3:16-17—two great verses about the word of God. But we should also notice the two verses that come before, 2 Timothy 3:14-15, which say this. This is Paul speaking to Timothy:

“You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them. And that from childhood you have known the sacred writings, which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.”

Children are capable of understanding the gospel and even understanding Jesus Christ from a young age. We parents want what was said of Timothy to be said of our kids: from childhood, they know the sacred writings, able to give the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

Teach your children about Christ, about who he is, about what he’s done, about how lovely and awesome he is. Know the gospel, and teach it to your children so that they may know it.

As you observe and train your children, apply the gospel to them as a counselor so that they may see where they are still falling short, even when they can quote the gospel back to you.

For example: Is your child confident in his own righteousness due to his external behavior? Does everything right on the outside? Well, emphasize to him God’s requirements about the heart—even that everyone falls short.

Is your child frustrated by his inability to be perfect? Show him that this was always God’s intention in the law and his commands, so they would find their righteousness by faith in Christ alone.

Is your child angry or depressed about his circumstances? Teach him what lies behind that anger and hopelessness: pride, idolatry, a desire for one’s own way. Teach that a holy, jealous, and loving God both requires and entreats them to give up their own way, even all worldly treasures, in order to have him. Having God, having Jesus Christ, is worth giving up everything.

I always think of something in this book that he talks about. He says when your child becomes angry, it’s actually a great moment because they’re showing you what they really value in their heart. Now what you need to speak to—as I said in the last lesson, you cannot force a child to believe and be saved.

But let it be said of our households that any failure of our children to believe or persevere in the gospel was not due to negligence from the parents, not due to the parents neglecting to exalt Christ and to teach, apply, and model the gospel to their kids.

“Let it be said that any failure of our children to believe was not due to our neglecting to exalt Christ.”

The Lord may yet use our imperfect yet faithful instruction while they are in the household to one day be what God uses to draw back that wayward child to himself and saving faith.

These seven truths from the scriptures should find particular emphasis in Christian parental instruction.

If you’re wondering to yourself, “Well, sounds great, but how am I going to find a good opportunity for those things? How am I going to get a good occasion to teach my children these topics?” Well, one answer is: study Proverbs and Ecclesiastes with your kids. Make it something that you regularly come back to because that will make it much more natural for you to have an extended conversation with them about these topics. They might naturally have questions, and you can supply answers.

Special Considerations for Blended Families

Now, before we move to our time of testimony, I’d like to briefly address the issue of blended families and step families. You could say that blended families are just like any other families and that they should simply adopt the principles we’ve already discussed in this course about managing and parenting in order to do well. And that’s true.

Nevertheless, we would do well to highlight some specific challenges for blended families—challenges that require a special focus and emphasis from the scriptures, especially in counseling. After all, if you read through the case study which I included in the email to the class list, you can see how quickly even two Christians forming a blended family, yet not prepared for the special challenges that such a family creates, can run into conflict, despair, and even the temptation to divorce.

“Blended families face special challenges that require a focused emphasis from the scriptures.”

The fundamental challenge facing a blended family is twofold: the assumption that a spouse may do whatever he or she did in the previous marriage in the new one, especially with his stepchildren, and the assumption that it is not only permissible but righteous for a parent to prioritize his or her own biological children over the stepchildren and even the other spouse.

In other words, there’s a strong temptation for blended families to become child-centered homes, which is always damaging to marriages and especially to second marriages. When a husband and wife are not on the same page when it comes to the children, but instead feel the need to defend their biological children against the other spouse, and when the stepchildren become aware of their ability to manipulate their biological parent and/or stepparent to get what the children want, you have a recipe for family disaster.

So how should a husband and wife of a blended family prepare to meet the challenge of their situation? I’m going to offer you four critical considerations, just briefly.

1. Blended Families Need Hope

Number one: Step families first of all need hope.

Especially if they’ve started off poorly, they need to know that God is bigger than their problems and that they are not beyond his help. They also need to know that if they are willing to own up to their own sins, take personal responsibility for their own actions and attitudes, they can change.

It will be a battle, especially in their own hearts, but God can bring about amazing change when people are willing to get to the heart level.

There is hope. You need to show them hope.

“If they are willing to own up to their own sins and take personal responsibility, they can change.”

2. Stepparents Need a High View of Marriage

Number two: Stepparents need a high view of marriage.

They must be shown from the Bible and continually reminded that according to God, their marriage takes precedence over their children. Yes, even their biological children.

Just because a marriage is a second marriage doesn’t make it any less of a marriage in God’s eyes, nor is the marriage God’s second best for the spouse. They do not have a sublevel marriage. They have a first-level marriage that God expects will become the number one prioritized relationship in their lives.

One-flesh relations must take precedence over mere blood relations. Biological children may resent this reality at first. But the children too need to have a high view. They need to learn a high view of God and of marriage. God wants their parent to prioritize the other spouse over his or her own children.

Furthermore, stepparents must remember that their marriage relationship is permanent, but the parenting relationship, at least within the home, is temporary. Children are raised to leave. So if you focus on the children, you’re going to experience the long-term consequences of that.

Child-centered homes usually collapse once children leave because the spouses have never prioritized and seldom invested in their relationship with each other.

“One-flesh relations must take precedence over mere blood relations.”

Stepparents need a high view of marriage. But also:

3. Stepparents Need a Biblically Realistic View of Their Children

Number three: Stepparents need a biblically realistic view of their children.

Just because children lost a parent through death or divorce does not suddenly make them innocent. Rather, these children are still sinners with folly bound up in their hearts.

The suffering of bereavement or divorce is real for both the parent and the children. It is not to be discounted. However, that suffering can become an excuse for a biological parent to become overprotective of his or her own children and to resent the parenting of the stepparent, which can easily seem extra insensitive and overbearing.

By contrast, the Bible teaches us that we are not victims of our circumstances. We cannot blame a bad past or cling to a good past, which is always rosier in our memory than in reality. See Ecclesiastes 7:10.

We are responsible, despite whatever influences we may have on us, even from the past. We are responsible for how we choose to deal with our circumstances in the present, as are our children.

Therefore, stepparents need to hold their children accountable. Stepparents need to be ready for the sinful passions and desires of biological children to attempt to pit a biological parent against the stepparent and make the home child-centered. This will be a natural inclination for a foolish child.

Parents need to be ready for that. A child will be inclined to prey on the affection of a biological parent and use it as a wedge to drive the parent and stepparent apart for the child’s own self-centered purposes.

Stepparents must be ready for this, must not allow themselves to be manipulated in this way, and must not excuse the child for attempting to do so.

“Stepparents must not allow themselves to be manipulated, and must not excuse the child for attempting to do so.”

And finally:

4. Stepparents Need Unity in Their Parenting Approach

Number four: The stepparents need unity in their parenting approach from the beginning of a blended family.

The husband and wife must come to an agreement in how they will parent their children. Specifically, the parents must agree about the biblical roles of husband and wife in the house.

The husband is the head, but he should seek and trust his wife’s insights into her biological children. He is responsible to love them as much as he loves his own biological children.

The wife is to be a submissive helper, voluntarily coming in line with her husband’s ideas for presenting a united front to the children—biological and stepchildren.

They also need to be united when it comes to biblical communication that addresses the hearts of the children. Sometimes stepfathers come in simply determined to lay down the law with the kids. But in doing so, these stepfathers can easily become distant tyrants.

Furthermore, both stepparents could be attracted to behavioristic parenting techniques that just focus on the outside. These seem easy and quick to implement. But children, especially stepchildren, need to see that their parents have their own long-term interests at heart, the child’s best interest in mind.

The way this is communicated is by patient and loving communication alongside discipline—but patient and loving communication that listens to understand and that seeks to address the idols of the heart, helping the children understand their own attitudes, desires, and actions.

Parents can only do this when they themselves model heart honesty and deal with their own idols.

Parents need to come to agreement on biblical and wise rules for the home. They must uphold God’s absolute rules for sure—things like lying, cheating, stealing, promiscuity. There’s no wiggle room there.

But provisional rules for the household should be negotiated between the husband and wife. The husband should be looking for his wife’s insight and counsel. The wife should be looking to provide that, but also line herself up under her husband.

Things like cleaning rooms, chores, clothing, grades, and their children’s friends need to be discussed and negotiated. Parents want rules that promote a harmonious home but that also do not needlessly provoke or exasperate the children.

Finally, the parents need to come to agreement about a biblical and consistent system of discipline. Both parents need to sit down and come up with a procedure of discipline that they can actually do, and then they need to follow through with it and support one another in that.

Parents should do their best to use discipline methods that do not provoke their children to anger. But establishing a wise and consistent discipline will go a long way to bringing about harmony in the new blended home.

“A wise and consistent discipline will go a long way to bringing about harmony in the new blended home.”

Note this: it does not necessarily mean that every child in the home is treated the exact same way. Some children may need more attention than others. Just as God is never fair but always just and chooses to act differently with one person than with another according to the needs of each person, so parents may need to do the same with their children.

Never act unjustly, but parent each child as that child needs to be parented.

If you have questions about those teaching emphases that I gave you or those considerations for blended families, please email me or talk to me afterwards here in church.

Congregational Testimony

But I now would like to take some time to just hear testimony from all of you regarding your experience as Christian parents. Perhaps how you saw the word of the Lord proved true, how you experienced children as a blessing, or even how you implemented the Bible’s instruction on parenting in a way that was helpful for your home.

I’d like to hear from many of you. But because I have the microphone and I’ll need to repeat what you have to say, please don’t make your testimony too long. Otherwise it’ll be hard to summarize.

What are some ways that you can give testimony about God’s design for parenting?

I’ll start to maybe make it a little bit less awkward. I’ve only been a parent for a year officially because Benjamin turned one year old on the 12th of this month. What a blessing it is to have Benjamin in our lives.

We were a little bit nervous about becoming parents, especially because our relationship was so good even without a child. We thought, “What’s it going to be like when we have a child we have to take care of?” But it just feels like our life got upgraded.

Partially that is because Benjamin’s such a sweet boy. He seems like a good baby among babies. My family calls him a “propaganda baby,” and my pediatrician calls him a “starter baby.” One encourages you to have more kids.

Maybe there’s just something about him being a naturally sweet boy. But one thing also is that we have sought to apply the Bible’s instruction even when it comes to discipline. We noticed around 10 or 11 months that he would do something that we told him not to do, and then he would look at us to see if we were going to do anything about it.

We thought, “Oh, is it time to discipline?” Eventually we decided that it was. What we already see is how he’s learning and changing. We don’t have to keep telling him no because he’s beginning to learn to respect our voices and to realize that no, that’s not right for me to do.

Even the world will tell you that according to scientists and pediatricians, around 11 months is about the time that children understand what “no” means. It can be a time for discipline.

It’s been a great experience so far. But we’re continuing to learn.

What are some other testimonies?

Yeah, Lea?

And have children despite ability to discipline your child, and I both experienced that you’ve almost made your ineffective. It’s just another point to bring out as to the devastation that divorce does, because not only are children hurting so deeply now, you discipline them, and—

Yeah, that’s a good observation, Lea. When you go through a divorce and now your child is being shared with a spouse who’s no longer part of the household and is not in agreement with you about how to parent their children, it makes it much harder to have effective discipline with your children.

Even what you do is often undone by the other spouse.

Certainly parents are still called to fulfill their role, to fulfill discipline as best they can. But recognizing that is just part of the unfortunate consequences and damage of divorce. It will make it hard, hard to consistently discipline and instruct a child.

It’s true.

What else?

Yeah, Mark?

The Importance of Parental Example and Repentance

I’m thinking about Deuteronomy. It talks about God’s word to be on our hearts and then teach them diligently to our kids and talk about them all the time, right? I’ve been both encouraged and discouraged by the power of example. My kids have picked up things that they told me later were good. But I’ve also been very convicted by the things that they had a little bit of an intervention with at one point. We got to talk about a couple things.

And I guess I would summarize it this way: I think for Betty and I, our effectiveness as parents is directly related to our responding to God’s discipline as his children. Just always making that clear to our kids like, “We’re still kids too to our heavenly Father, and we need to demonstrate to you repentance and faith.”

So as I get older, the regrets can pile up. But I also see that as an opportunity to commit and demonstrate ours. We found kind of a power to be powerful.

Yeah, thanks, Mark. You said a number of valuable things there.

So to summarize: Deuteronomy talks about the need to instruct your children all the time. But one of the ways we do that is by example. And sometimes we inadvertently give a bad example, and our kids can pick up on that—not just observing it, but they can adopt it.

I know other parents have talked about, like, when their kid did something, they’re like, “Where did he get that from?” or “Where did he get that word from? How does he speak like that? We never taught him that.” And it’s like, “Wait, yes he did. You just weren’t thinking about it when you did.”

But you’re right. One of the ways that a parent should deal with that reality is certainly try to be the best example that you can. But also own up to your sins, to your failures. And that’s actually a very valuable teaching opportunity because, as you said, it shows your kids that in a sense the parents are kids too to the heavenly Father. And we, as under our heavenly Father, want to respond to his discipline, to his instruction. And we’re still growing. And we want to show that to our kids.

“Owning up to your sins is a valuable teaching opportunity—it shows your kids that parents are children of the heavenly Father too.”

So certainly, as things happen in the household and you become aware of it, you want to repent and make it right then. But even afterwards, when you realize, “Oh man, I was like that with my kids when they were growing up, and I never really owned up to it,” that’s still a valuable teaching opportunity to even at that later date to say, “I want to make it right. I want to confess what I had done before and provide a bad example because I want to point you to the heavenly Father.”

Yeah.

What else?

Yeah, Jody?

Hang on, let me repeat that or else I might lose it.

Trusting God as the Builder of the House

Jody, just talking about how the burden of your child’s salvation can become overwhelming if you forget that it’s not ultimately up to your effort, it’s up to God. You were drawn to that truth from the miracle of Jesus multiplying the loaves and fishes. What looks like a meager starting point and offering from man, God was able to use in a mighty way. That is often what he does with households, with Christian households.

I am also thinking of Psalm 127, which we know the first part of it: “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” But if you look at the second part of that Psalm, it applies that to children. It says, “Children are a blessing from the Lord. The womb, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

The house that he’s talking about there, that people could be so worried about, so frantic about making sure it’s in order, is a family house. But God says, “I’m the one who ultimately builds a house. So trust me.”

Psalm 127:1: “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.”

All right, Jody, you had more to say?

So let me repeat what you said there. The first idea about the unhelpful nature of comparing your family situation doesn’t just apply to kids, that applies to spouses, that applies to pretty much anybody in the world. If you start comparing your life to someone else’s, it’s almost always going to be bad as a result.

You’re either going to feel superior to them and proud, or you’re going to feel inferior to them and then discontent and upset.

But what we must realize as Christians is that whatever God’s doing with me is right for me. And that’s according to his wisdom. It’s also a truth that you were seeking to encourage and admonish your children with: “Well, ultimately we’re under God. But even as parents, we know you best. We have put these things together for you—these rules, this direction for our family—for a reason. And we do have your best interest in mind. So we ask you to continue to follow our direction. We ask you to continue to submit.”

I was going to say something else in relation to that. It reminds me too of how in scriptures God commands us to do certain things, but he also sometimes adds an explanation and encouragement to it.

So as parents, in one sense you can be like, “Well, I’m the parent, so you’ve got to follow me. That’s what God’s will for you is.” But we also seek to encourage our kids and say, “But this really is for your good. We do know you. We’ve invested so much in you. There’s a reason that we’ve chosen to do things a certain way. Maybe you don’t see it right now, but you will later. So we ask you to trust us.”

That’s a helpful thing to do with kids, right?

Jody, so just making the point that exactly what we’re trying to teach and model for our children are the things that we have to do ourselves with God. That really goes back to what Mark was saying before: we submit to his discipline. We ask our children to submit to our discipline.

Esbon, a good point to emphasize: you observed even in your young children, or in one particular, that what she watched impacted the way that she treated her father, and imitating even a show that depicts the father as not really knowing what’s going on. That became the daughter’s own attitude until you removed that influence, and she became more trusting again.

Now, there is a way of overemphasizing the influence of media and being like, “Oh, this is the reason that kids are bad.” There’s a way to overdo it. But we also don’t want to underdo it.

The music, the movies, the video games, the entertainment that your kids are exposed to or choose for themselves does play a role of influence. So you want to be aware of that. And even if necessary, remove certain influences that are not going to be good for your child in the long term.

The High Calling of Motherhood

Danny?

Yeah, thank you, Danny. He mentioned 1 Timothy 2:15, which talks about women being preserved or saved, depending on the translation, through the bearing of children. But that’s not the only verse. I did put it as a set of references on one of the slides last week.

Even though fathers are ultimately responsible for raising their children, in the New Testament you do see references to wives and mothers expected to raise children. And even in one passage it says “keep house.”

Now, in our culture, it has become more of an issue—even more of a controversial issue—of whether mothers should work outside the home. We could talk more extensively about that, but we don’t have a ton of time right now. One thing that certainly is clear from the scriptures is that because of the gifting and calling of mothers, they must prioritize the health and growth of the household.

If a mother can do that and still maintain work outside the home, okay. But if that work or whatever obligations outside the home are now interfering with her ability to minister to her husband or children, then she needs to reprioritize. She needs to maybe remove certain things or limit certain things because the primary calling for mothers, beyond the ministry to the husband, is the children and the household.

If that’s an order and you have time for other things, fine. But we don’t want to just fall into the mold of our culture and say, “Well, if you don’t have both husband and wife working, you can’t survive in this economy.”

As Christians, we say, “I’m going to follow the Lord first. And if that means I have to live with less—whether we’re not able to do certain things for the family that we used to do in our single lifestyle—so be it. I want to follow the Lord first, and he said he’ll take care of the other things.”

That’s a good comment. Yeah, Mark, just to reinforce that. I say amen. It used to be understood that the phrase “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world,” and the honoring of the influence of mothers. I think that’s true, and we’ve lost that. I think the sense of value, discipline, and worth of women is kind of under attack. The reality is that in a sense, you’re famous or they don’t say, “Hi, Dad,” right? They say, “Hi, Mom.” There’s just something about that connection.

Yeah, yeah.

Mark, that’s good. So just to summarize what you said: our culture definitely looks down on motherhood or speaks about it like it’s a hindrance to what you really need or what you will really enjoy in life. But the scriptures present the opposite point of view: that it is a great honor to be a mother and actually a very important and influential role in the family and in the world.

You mentioned the phrase “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” That is something we have to, I think, purposefully push against in our minds when it comes to the culture—that to be a mother is not a downgrade, or to even stay at home with the children is not, “Oh, well, now you have a second-rate life.” No, this is actually an honorable—this is a—what’s the word I’m looking for?—this is a high calling that I get to fulfill, not that I have to fulfill, that I get to fulfill as a woman, as a wife, as a mother.

“This is a high calling that I get to fulfill, not that I have to fulfill, as a woman, a wife, and a mother.”

I think that even going back to the verse that Jenny mentioned, 1 Timothy 2:15, it is a somewhat perplexing verse. You’ve got to work through it carefully. But I think one of the things it emphasizes is that mothers have an amazing role to play in leading the human race out of bondage to sin.

In a sense, the way I’ve heard this interpreted, and I think there’s a lot of sense to it, is that the first woman led the human race into sin—to a certain extent, Adam was ultimately responsible, but she also—and all women since then have the opportunity and the calling as mothers to help lead the human race out of sin in the raising of their children.

So it is definitely not a calling to be despised or looked down on. It is to be embraced and to be protected. And we’re going to have to fight against our culture in that way.

Well, thank you for sharing those testimonies. I’m sure we could hear more, but that’s it for today.

Next week we’re going to tackle the topics of homosexuality and abuse. And then after that, in two weeks’ time, we have our question and answer session. So we’re coming near the end of our course.

But like I said, if you have comments or questions that you didn’t get to share today, you’d like to come see me in church later or send me an email—and start thinking about the questions you’d like to ask for the Q&A because I’d like to have those ahead of time so that I can actually prepare an answer.

All right, well, let’s close in prayer.

Lord, we thank you for families. We thank you for your family. But again, we thank you for the physical families that you made us part of. Because of sin and the brokenness of the world, they’re, Lord, not always ideal. Sometimes they are formed as a result of divorce, or sometimes they have children who will not respond to the faithful instruction of their parents.

But Lord, we know overall it is still good. And we want to steward these gifts wisely.

Lord, I pray that you’d bless the families of this church. Bless the marriages. Bless the parents. Bless the children.

I pray, Lord, that we would come more and more in conformity to your design—not only because that’s our duty and not only because it’ll be a witness to the world, but because, Lord, it will be such blessing for us. And that’s always been your intent.

In Jesus’ name, amen.