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Summary
We are reminded that marriage is God’s design, and when pursued His way, it only grows richer over time. Ephesians 5:25–33 calls husbands to a radical, Christ-centered love for their wives—not a passive or conditional love, but one modeled after Christ’s own sacrificial, sanctifying, and tender care for the church.
Key Lessons:
- Husbands are commanded to love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially, just as Christ gave Himself up for the church—holding nothing back, even to the point of dying to self daily.
- A husband’s love is meant to sanctify his wife—helping her grow in holiness through living out, teaching, and encouraging the Word of God, so she becomes more beautifully Christlike over time.
- Because husband and wife are one flesh, a husband who neglects or harms his wife is neglecting and harming himself—and blaspheming the gospel reality that marriage is meant to picture.
- The gospel is the foundation for obedience in marriage: where we have failed, Christ has paid for our sin and given us transforming grace to walk in newness.
Application: We are called to stop making excuses for loveless or self-serving behavior in marriage, and instead pursue obedience to God’s wise design—husbands loving sacrificially, wives submitting reverently—trusting that God’s way brings blessing, while finding our ultimate joy not in marriage itself but in Christ.
Discussion Questions:
- In what specific areas of your marriage are you most tempted to make excuses for not loving or submitting as God commands—and what would it look like to repent and change?
- How are you actively contributing to your spouse’s spiritual growth and holiness? What is one practical step you could take this week toward that goal?
- If your marriage is difficult or your spouse is not following God’s design, how does finding your joy in Christ—rather than in your marriage—change how you approach your situation?
Scripture Focus: Ephesians 5:25–33 is the central passage, teaching that husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church—sacrificially, sanctifyingly, and tenderly. Genesis 2:24 is cited to show that marriage was always designed to picture the union of Christ and the church. John 15:3 and Mark 10:45 reinforce the call to servant leadership and the sanctifying power of the Word.
Outline
- Introduction
- The World’s Broken View of Marriage
- God’s Good Design Recaptured
- Context: Ephesians 5:15–33
- God’s Wise Will for Husbands
- 2. Sanctify Beautifully
- 3. Care Tenderly
- One Flesh: Loving Your Wife as Your Own Body
- The Gospel Mystery Behind Marriage
- Seven Practical Ways to Care for Your Wife
- Gospel Hope for Husbands Who Have Failed
- Finding Joy in Christ Above Marriage
Introduction
I ask a bit for your patience and pardon this morning if I sound a little bit nasally and get a little bit sniffly. I am recovering from something that I was sick with last week. I feel a ton better, but got the post-nasal drip. Sorry if that comes out at all during the sermon.
Let’s pray and ask for God to help us hear and heed this word.
Lord God, once again, we come to hear from you. You have designated your church to be the place of blessing and central to that is the proclamation of your word. Your word is life to us. It is spirit and life. We need it.
So God, give us your word. Help me to be able to explain it accurately and clearly as I ought. And God, be pleased to do a great work among us to love you more and for husbands to love their wives more in Jesus’ name. Amen.
We are wrapping up our marriage miniseries today. I told you I wanted to preach a few sermons on marriage considering the several marriages that are taking place in our church this year.
As I’ve been doing the pre-marriage counseling for some of the couples now, one truth that I love to share with soon-to-be newlyweds is that if you will do marriage God’s way, your marriage will only get better over time.
I can say this by experience. I can say this based on the word of God. If husband and wife will do marriage God’s way, their marriage relationship will only get better over time. The love will deepen, the joy will increase, and the glory of God will shine brighter through that marriage.
“If husband and wife will do marriage God’s way, their marriage relationship will only get better over time.”
The World’s Broken View of Marriage
Now contrast this with the world’s expectations of marriage.
On the one hand, you have the naive unmarried of the world who imagine that marriage or simply a committed romantic relationship represents the gateway to happily ever after. If I can only find my soulmate, my perfect match, the one who will truly understand and love me, then life will be wonderful and fulfilling and will easily get through all problems. Love conquers all.
Such persons set themselves up for deep disappointment because not only will they get frustrated in seemingly never being able to find that perfect match, but even if and when they do, when they think they have found the perfect person and get married, they quickly discover the perfect person is not perfect. He or she is a sinner.
On the other hand, you have the jaded already married persons of the world who having already despaired of their own marriages feel compelled to warn others about marriage. If you want to be happy, don’t get married.
Just settle for casual relationships or living together. Marriage is just a ball and chain. It’s a prison sentence. A marriage means getting stuck with someone who will only make you miserable the rest of your life.
Truly, many people today are miserable in their marriages and therefore they seek escape through divorce, adultery, and worse.
God’s Good Design Recaptured
But the world’s problem with marriage is not really marriage itself, but with how the world pursues and practices marriage.
“The world’s problem with marriage is not really marriage itself, but with how the world pursues and practices marriage.”
Marriage is, as we saw last time, God’s idea. God originally designed the roles of husband and wife in marriage.
God originally made marriage very good and a blessing for those who enter into it.
But then sin came. Sin corrupted the whole human race, so that we naturally rebel against all of God’s designs, including for marriage. Though marriage, love, and one spouse are not the ultimate treasures of life, we naturally treat them like they are. We pursue them like idols instead of God.
Though God defined clear roles for a husband and wife in marriage, we naturally rebel against those roles or try to redefine them.
God designed marriage fundamentally to be about giving and serving the other spouse, but we naturally turn marriage fundamentally to be about receiving and being served by the other spouse.
“God designed marriage fundamentally to be about giving, serving the other spouse.”
Really serving ourselves.
In our fallen hearts, we think to ourselves: Marriage is about my rights, my desires, my hopes and dreams. If my spouse will grant me those, well then I will love him. I will love her.
But if my spouse denies me those or gets in the way of those, well then I will hate my spouse.
No wonder so many marriages look more like ruined battlefields instead of well-tended gardens.
But as we return to Ephesians 5 today, we have the opportunity to recapture God’s good design and blessing intended for marriage. In his Bible, God has graciously shared his wisdom and will for us when it comes to marriage. This is so that not only will we be blessed as we pursue that with our spouse in marriage, but even if our spouse doesn’t pursue this with us, we can know the joy and peace of the Lord and fulfill his will regardless of what our spouse does.
Last time we were in Ephesians 5:21-24 looking at God’s wise will for wives. Today we’re in Ephesians 5:25-33 looking at God’s wise will for husbands.
“Even if our spouse doesn’t pursue this with us, we can know the joy and peace of the Lord and fulfilling his will.”
Context: Ephesians 5:15–33
God’s wise will for husbands. If you haven’t already, please take a Bible and turn to Ephesians 5.
We’ll be reading the preceding context starting in verse 15. You can find our passage on page 1,173.
I want you to see this new text in its context. Let’s read the whole section that we read last time: Ephesians 5:15-33.
Follow along with me as I read.
Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is, and do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, to God, even the Father, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his own wife loves himself.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ also does the church because we are members of his body.
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
This mystery is great. But I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself. And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Recall again the significance of verses 15 to 21 for what follows.
Because of their great salvation, true Christians, the Apostle Paul says, must now walk carefully before God. They must be wise and learn how to make the most of their time in this world.
They must understand and practice the will of the Lord. And they must manifest outwardly the spirit filling them up inwardly to all the fullness of God.
In verses 22 to 33, Paul explains one critical place Christians must pursue these goals, and that is in their marriages.
We looked at God’s calling to wives last time and we saw that it is a radical but beautiful and good call.
In verses 21-22, Paul teaches that the spirit of God teaches that the wife is to voluntarily submit or line herself up under the authority of her husband. And in verse 23, we saw the reason why.
At creation, God ordained the husband to be the family head in a way that would ultimately picture Christ’s own headship over his church.
Thus, in submitting to and honoring her imperfect head, her husband, the wife ultimately submits to and honors her perfect head, the Lord Jesus Christ.
In verse 24, we saw in what sectors of life the wife is to practice this reverent submission: all of them. On every issue, the wife looks to line up under and support her husband for the Lord’s sake.
She offers counsel and presents appeals, but she remains ready to trust God and submit to her husband’s lead.
Now, some of you may have heard all that last week and wanted to respond like Peter in John 21:21: “Lord, and what about this man?”
Yes, yes, I understand now my calling, and it is good, though very hard at times. But doesn’t my husband have an important calling, too?
Indeed. Though, before we get to that, perhaps Jesus’ original reply to Peter is also worth remembering. John 21:22b: “What is that to you? You follow me.”
Ultimately, your obedience as a wife or husband to Jesus’ calling should not be dependent on your spouse’s obedience to his or her own calling. You are to follow Christ no matter what.
Nevertheless, God’s calling to husbands is just as radical and beautiful and good as the calling given to the wife.
God’s Wise Will for Husbands
What is God’s wise will for husbands?
God calls husbands to love their wives the same way Christ loved the church.
“God calls husbands to love their wives the same way Christ loved the church.”
Now, the way Paul explains this calling to husbands is a little different compared to how Paul explained the calling to wives. Rather than breaking down the what, the why, and the where of the command, Paul explains three ways Christ loved the church and in which husbands are to love their wives.
That’s going to be our guiding proposition as we work our way through verses 25-33 today: three ways God calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
The first of these ways appears in verse 25, number one on our sermon outline.
1. Sacrifice Willingly
Sacrifice willingly in love. God calls husbands to sacrifice willingly. Verse 25.
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
The central term in verse 25 is the verb love.
This word is from the familiar Greek verb agapa, from which we get the term agape love.
The main sense of agapa is to have a warm regard for and interest in another. Synonyms would be cherish, have affection for, and to love.
You sometimes hear people talk about agape love as being a sacrificial love, a holy love, a love of the will, an unconditional love.
Agape love often is these things, especially from God. But don’t misunderstand. Agape love does clearly involve the affections.
Love Is a Command, Not a Feeling
Now, this word love is given as an imperative or command, which means you can choose to obey or you can choose to disobey God in this command. You can choose if you’re a husband to warmly regard your wife or not.
And this too is in stark contrast to the way the world thinks about love. People talk about falling into love and falling out of love as if it were totally beyond their control. A husband might come to counseling saying, “I just don’t love my wife anymore,” as if he’s just a victim of that.
But God says you must choose to love your wife. You must think about her in such a way that you are committed to her good and have affection for her.
It’s always striking when the Bible commands us to have emotions, right? How can God command emotions? Doesn’t that just happen spontaneously?
It’s because emotions rise from what you think and believe. Your emotions rise from what you think and believe. So husbands, you must rightly regard your wife in your heart so that you genuinely love her and you cultivate affection for her.
“Emotions rise from what you think and believe. Husbands, you must rightly regard your wife so that you genuinely love her.”
And notice in verse 25 that this command to love is in the present tense, which indicates continual action. Love your wife all the time. Don’t just love her when it’s convenient or when you feel like it, but love her all the time.
Notice also, what are the conditions for this commanded love? There are none. There are no conditions for the husband’s love, just as there were no conditions for the wife’s godly submission.
So husbands, your sinful flesh will try to deceive you into excusing a lack of love. Maybe with excuses like, “She hasn’t been very nice to me lately. She doesn’t submit to me. She doesn’t respect me. She doesn’t excite me like she used to. I had a hard day at work.”
None of these excuses will cut it. All of these are flimsy reasons to sin and disobey God’s clear command to love.
Another excuse husbands might say is, “I married the wrong person.” Maybe you did disobey God’s will and marry the wrong person. But I like what one pastor says: “She’s the right person now. You’re married and God is sovereign, so she’s right for you now. Love her as God commands.”
Now, what will the husband’s love for his wife necessarily involve? If there are no excuses, if it’s to be all the time, what will the husband’s love necessarily involve? It will involve sacrifice.
Just like the sacrificial love of Christ for his church. Look again at the second part of verse 25.
Just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Now, how did Christ give himself up for the church? Well, he left heaven. He left the infinite display and enjoyment of his own glory in heaven. He came to the earth as a man and he lived for his church and he died for her on the cross.
And in dying for her, what did Christ do? What did Christ accomplish in that? It is, as Pastor Greg prayed earlier, he paid the price for all of his church’s sins. He bore the hellish wrath that was due her for those sins.
Christ also rose again for his church, gave her his own perfect righteousness, and gave her every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places according to Ephesians 1:3.
So really, we could summarize that by saying Christ held back nothing, not even his own life, in showing love to his church.
Dying Daily for Your Wife
Husbands, God calls you to love your wives in the very same way.
Just as wives are called by God to submit to their husbands comprehensively, so husbands must also love their wives comprehensively. You can hold nothing back.
Now, we men can certainly talk a big game when it comes to love. I love my wife so much that I’d die for her. I’d pay the ultimate sacrifice.
Most of us will never be tested in that claim.
The real test of your love is not literally dying for your wife, but it is figuratively dying for your wife.
Your wife has needs and desires, and so do you. But according to the Bible, whose are more important? Hers. The wife’s needs and desires are more important than yours.
Realize this, husbands. God has called you out of love, out of sincere and genuine love, to die to yourself for the sake of your wife’s good. You are to set aside your own desires, set aside your own needs to show her love.
Really, your position as head of the family is not so that you can be the Lord who simply enjoys the slave-like service of his wife and kids.
No, you are to embrace the leadership model that Christ himself set in Mark 10:45. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many.” There’s your model.
So congratulations, husbands. God made you the head of your family. So what does that make you? The slave. You are the head slave of the family.
And now you should gladly put the needs and desires of your wife first and then your kids above your own.
Now this is radical. This is a challenge.
And yet this is right. This is good. This is beautiful. This is exactly what Jesus has already done for you if you belong to him. And this is what he’s done for his church. It reflects his own heart. It is holy and beautiful.
“God made you the head of your family—and that makes you the head slave of the family.”
But do you do it? Do you husbands obey this command?
Those of you who are soon to be husbands, are you already making this your mindset and practice?
For those of you looking for a husband, is the man you’re interested in demonstrating a humble servant’s heart and how he serves his family, his parents, siblings, and how he serves his church? Is he serving? And is he serving with a good attitude?
That’ll tell you a lot about what he’ll be like in marriage.
Now husbands, what is your wife’s greatest need according to the Bible? We say you put her needs above yours. But what is her greatest need?
Well, is it not spiritual? Is it not her need for Christ, for growth in relationship with Christ and for practical holiness?
“Your wife’s greatest need is spiritual—her need for Christ, for growth in relationship with Christ, and for practical holiness.”
2. Sanctify Beautifully
This is indeed the case. And this observation leads us to the second way that husbands must love their wives in verses 26 to 27. Number two, husbands, love your wives and how you sanctify them beautifully.
Sanctify them beautifully. Look at the next two verses.
So that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.
Notice that in these verses, Paul explains three purposes in Christ’s sacrificial love for the church as indicated by the words “so that,” “that,” and “but that.” Those are words that indicate purposes.
Now, these different purposes in these two verses all build on each other and they show us another way husbands must love their wives.
Cleansed by the Word
Notice the first statement of purpose, the “so that” in the beginning of verse 26: Jesus in his sacrificial love for the church did this so that he might sanctify the church. Jesus sought to sanctify the church.
Now, what does sanctify mean? It means to make holy. It means to make clean. It means to set apart.
And we’re told next how Jesus did this.
Having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.
Now there’s an interesting phrase. If we’re only thinking about baptism, we might be thinking about the washing of water. But the phrase is “washing of water with the word,” indicating that this washing is metaphorical.
Furthermore, the Greek word for “word” here isn’t the one we might expect. It is not the word logos, which just means word. Rather, it’s the Greek word rhema, which more specifically refers to a spoken word, a declared word.
So, as if describing an ancient bridal bath, Paul says that there was a certain spoken word which previously cleansed and still sanctifies Christ’s bride, the church.
What declared word could that be?
Well, this must be the word of God’s proclaimed truth. More specifically, the gospel. It is the gospel that saved, that sanctified, and that still cleanses Christ’s church. Compare what Jesus said to his eleven disciples in John 15:3.
John 15:3: “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.”
Same idea.
So then, just as Jesus cleansed his church by the saving gospel word, the same word of truth from the Father, so husbands ought in love to sanctify their wives through the continuing ministry of God’s word. It’s still the word that sanctifies, but now husbands, you are the agents of that.
So what does that mean for you practically? Well, here are some suggestions.
For starters, husbands, this means living out the word before your wives. Want to sanctify her with the word? You obey the word. Live it out in front of her. This means teaching the word to your wife as you are able and talking about it with her.
This means freeing up your wife through your own service to her and to the kids so that she has opportunity to learn the word on her own. I think there are plenty of wives and young mothers who would love to learn the word more, but they’re so busy trying to take care of the household and kids. Husbands, you can help. You can help free your wives up to learn the word and be sanctified by it.
This command means providing resources to your wife so that she knows how to study the word and apply it. This means leading your wife to join and make good use of the teaching ministries of your church. She can learn the word there.
This means encouraging your wife by the truths of the word when she grows weary.
And this means patiently and gently correcting your wife by the word when she sins.
Presenting a Glorious Bride
But there’s more. The next two purpose statements in verse 27 may be surprising.
Why did Jesus sanctify and cleanse his church?
That other purpose statement is that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.
In other words, Paul says that Jesus sanctified his church to present the church to himself as a beautiful bride.
How is Christ’s bride, the church, made beautiful, even glorious without blemish?
Not by the means that we might use today or that women might use—anti-aging creams, resplendent dresses, carefully prepared hair.
That’s not how the church is made beautiful. But how is the church made beautiful? Through holiness.
Paul describes the church’s holiness in physical terms so that we can see a vivid picture.
Imagine a royal bride being presented to the king. The bride is young and beautiful without any blemishes on her face or body. She wears an elegant dress. She’s covered with exquisite jewels. And she walks down the aisle in a stately way toward her regal husband to be joined to him in marriage.
This is the image of verse 27. Only, who is the bride? It’s the church. Who is the groom? It’s King Jesus.
And why has the bride been made so beautiful, so glorious?
It’s so that Christ can present her to himself.
This, Paul says, is what Christ has been doing all along with the church. Christ has been calling out his bride and making her beautiful by his own loving sacrifice so that in the final consummation he might enjoy her as a glorious and unstained church.
“Christ has been calling out his bride and making her beautiful by his own loving sacrifice so that he might enjoy her as a glorious and unstained church.”
Notice in this pursued purpose, our Lord Jesus displays a sanctified self-interest.
Though Christ lovingly gives up himself for his bride’s holiness, he also reaps the benefit of his own self-denying suffering. He gets to enjoy a beautiful bride in the end.
Paul now tells husbands, “Your love for your wife should look like that. You not only should seek your wife’s greater holiness for the Lord’s sake, but you should do so with the understanding that you will enjoy the benefits of your sacrificial love.”
Think about it. As you make self-denying effort to help your wife grow in holiness and she actually does grow in holiness, what will be the effect on you and on your marriage?
Will it not get better? Will she not act in a more lovely way towards you?
Now, even if that result doesn’t happen, you should still love your wife out of an effort to please God and enjoy God. This is how you can have joy no matter what your spouse does.
But generally speaking, God wants you husbands to know that your beautifying, sanctifying love will have a positive result in your own life.
You can have a sanctified self-interest in this.
In a way, this is a parallel to the Bible’s commands to wives, right? That we saw last time, especially from 1 Peter 3. Wives, win your disobedient husbands over by your respectful and chaste behavior.
Your faithful submission will bring blessing to you and your marriage in the end.
Same thing for husbands. Husbands, beautify your wives with your sacrificial, sanctifying love. Your faithful love will bring blessing to you and your marriage in the end. That is an encouragement that God gives to both husband and wife.
The Beauty That Does Not Fade
Now remember this, husbands: your wife’s beauty is not truly dependent on her outer adornment or her looks.
It is good and right for us as husbands to rejoice in the outer adornment of our wives. It is a gift from God. The Bible says we bless our wives when we rejoice in how God made them.
But this kind of beauty will fade, and it is no substitute for beauty of heart.
Have you ever encountered a person who may be beautiful in appearance but ugly in heart? It kind of negates their outward beauty. You see the ugliness of the heart come through.
The opposite is also true. Someone who may not seem remarkable on the outside—if they have a beautiful heart, if they love the Lord and are walking with him—there’s a beauty to that person. That’s a beauty that does not fade.
Holiness is also beautiful, and righteousness is the beauty that does not fade. So then, husbands, ask yourselves this: Do you want a beautiful wife?
Do you want a wife who has beauty that will never fade? Do you want her to become lovelier and lovelier before you and before God over time?
Well, then heed this verse. Heed these verses. Heed this command from God: Love your wife the way Jesus loved the church. Sanctify your wife with an intent to see her grow in beautiful holiness.
“Do you want a wife whose beauty will never fade? Love her as Jesus loved the church—sanctify her with an intent to see her grow in beautiful holiness.”
You were commanded to do this. And why would you not want to? You get to enjoy the results, though you will suffer some pain in the short term.
If you feel like you can get on board with that, ask yourself: What efforts are you making right now towards your wife’s growth and holiness? What are you doing about it? What would you like to do about it?
Do you give the bare minimum when it comes to your wife’s spiritual growth? Do you even think about it? Or do you go all out and say, “What more can I do to help my wife grow? What more can I do to allow her to grow in the beautiful holiness that the Lord desires for her?”
You will enjoy the benefits, but like Paul, you also are intent on presenting to the Lord your wife as an unblemished, glorious bride to him. She’s part of the bride of Christ.
So don’t let this be theoretical. Make it practical. See your wife sanctified by your love.
“See your wife sanctified by your love.”
3. Care Tenderly
So we’ve seen two ways that the Lord calls husbands to love their wives as the church. Love your wives by sacrificing willingly. Love your wife by sanctifying beautifully. The final way husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the church is in verses 28 to 33. That is number three: Care tenderly.
Look at the final set of verses.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body.
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself. And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Now notice the word “so” appearing at the beginning of verse 28. It indicates a conclusion based on what was just said. And what was just said?
Well, we just heard the truth about Christ in love sacrificing himself for the church to save her, sanctify her, and present her to himself in glorious beauty.
With the word “so” at the beginning of verse 28, Paul now clarifies that this previously explained truth confirms a separate yet related principle.
What is that principle?
One Flesh: Loving Your Wife as Your Own Body
That husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
Now this phrase “love their wives as their own bodies” is key as it has a double meaning.
On the one hand, Paul says husbands should love their wives as if the wife were the husband’s body. She’s not literally his body. She’s a separate person. But the love for her should be similar to how the man loves his own body.
On the other hand, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies because the wife actually is the husband’s body, figuratively speaking.
This second sense has to do with a concept that Paul will develop in this final section about becoming one flesh in marriage. Paul’s leading up to that in verse 31.
This is the central concept consistent with beautifying your wives in a way that you will actually get to enjoy yourself. Love your wife as your own body.
Now Paul says at the beginning of verse 29 in developing this idea, “No one ever hated his own flesh.” That is, no one ever hated his own body. This is a maxim or general principle. This is how people normally act.
You may wish that your body looked a little different, was slimmer or younger or stronger, but Paul’s point is that we are all devoted to our own bodies and naturally take care of them. We feed our bodies. We provide rest for our bodies.
We wash our bodies. We care for our bodies when they get sick. We even take our bodies to get delicious Five Guy burgers.
And why? Because the body is part of who we are. We are all obviously affected by the condition of our body. So why not bless our bodies? It’s going to bless us, too.
Paul says in verse 29 that we naturally nourish and cherish our own bodies. The Greek word for nourish most basically means to feed. More generally, the word refers to meeting fundamental life needs like food and sleep and shelter.
The Greek word for cherish literally means to keep warm. Figuratively, the word has the idea of showing tenderness. It’s used in another place in the Bible to describe the way a mother treats her own baby.
These words together show that naturally we go far above the bare minimum in providing for our bodies. If we can, we give our bodies what is good and pleasing, even the best. No sane person refuses to do this for his body.
“We naturally nourish and cherish our own bodies—going far above the bare minimum, giving what is good and pleasing, even the best.”
But now notice what Paul says at the end of verse 29 and in all of verse 30. He says, “Just as Christ also does the church because we are members of his body.” All this loving, nourishing and cherishing of one’s body—Paul says this is exactly what Christ has been doing for his church because we, the church, are his body.
Paul had said something similar about this Christ and the church as his body concept earlier in Ephesians. In Ephesians 4, he clarified that Christ is the head of the church which is his body and we are the members of that body.
Christ never neglects a member of his body. He never fails to meet their needs. He never fails to show them abundant, tender love and provision.
And why? Not only because Christ has committed himself to his church in love, but also because it would make no sense for Christ to do otherwise. Why would he not love his own body? It’s attached to him.
His body, the church, has become spiritually attached to him. It’s part of him.
So the church’s sorrows are his sorrows. The church’s needs are his needs. The church’s joys are his joys.
Jesus even took the church’s sins upon himself so that he might cleanse it and make it holy with his own righteousness.
Of course, he’s going to apply the most abundant care for his own body.
“Christ never neglects a member of his body. He never fails to meet their needs or show them abundant, tender love.”
The Gospel Mystery Behind Marriage
And this is where a great surprise appears in the text because in verse 31, Paul suddenly quotes Genesis 2:24, which was a verse at the end of the passage that we read earlier in the service.
Genesis 2:24, as Paul quotes it, says in verse 31, “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Paul, why suddenly bring up this verse?
Well, Paul has a double purpose in mind.
First, this text establishes the one flesh, one body principle that Paul has been talking about since verse 28. Those who are married are essentially one flesh, one body with their spouses, joined together by God. Thus, he who loves his wife truly does love himself.
This is a design, a pattern of reality that has been established since the beginning of creation.
Paul’s exhortation then about loving your wife as your own body is not merely a good illustration. It describes reality and it describes how you should respond to reality.
But there’s another purpose in quoting this text as Paul does. Notice Paul does not use any introductory formula when he quotes the Old Testament here. He does not say “as it says in the scriptures.”
Rather, Paul simply starts verse 31 with “for this reason.”
Now, that phrase did originally appear in Genesis 2:24. In Genesis 2:24, the “for this reason” originally referred back to the unique way that God created the first marriage. We read about that. Adam was formed first. Then God said, “Not good for him to be alone.” He made the woman and he brought her to the man and Adam said, “Hey, it’s the bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh.” For this reason, a man shall leave his father and be joined to his wife.
For this reason in Genesis 2:24 is explaining how the paradigm for all future human marriages was established. It’s how God made the first marriage.
But in this context, what does “for this reason” refer to grammatically?
It would refer to what came before in verse 30 and the phrase “for we are members of his body.” That is, we are members of Christ’s body.
So really Paul is saying something quite profound about marriage. In verse 31, Paul says the institution of marriage with its particular roles and responsibilities doesn’t simply exist due to God’s very good pattern at creation with Adam and Eve.
God also created marriage from the beginning to point to a greater reality: the church becoming the body of Christ in a marriage-like spiritual union.
In other words, according to the grammar of Ephesians 5:31, it is because the church is the body of Christ that a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife. It is for this reason that that happens.
And we know that this must be Paul’s sense in verse 31 because he immediately follows it with the words of verse 32.
“This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”
What mystery is great, Paul? The mystery of human marriage? No. The previously unrevealed but now revealed truth about the church’s union with Christ as pictured by human marriage.
Paul essentially says, “I know Genesis 2:24 originally spoke about only human marriage, but I’m talking about what human marriage pictures: the great gospel mystery of Christ and the church.”
So again, this idea of the husband caring for his wife as his own body is not just a convenient illustration, nor is it just an application of the one flesh marriage paradigm established by God at creation.
This command is a reflection of an astounding salvation reality: Christ made one with his people in the church.
“This command is a reflection of an astounding salvation reality—Christ made one with his people in the church.”
Therefore, when God says that you should seek to care for your own wife as your own body, God is serious about that.
Undergirding this command is a glorious gospel picture that God wants to put on display.
And truly, the spiritual marriage of Christ and the church is a wonder that deserves your prolonged meditation. You should take some time to think about that more, pray about that, talk to God about that. But Paul doesn’t want any of us to lose sight of that truth’s practical application. So he follows verse 32 with the beginning of verse 33.
“Nevertheless, despite that great mystery, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself.”
Now, do you see by now the practical implications of what Paul has presented when it comes to how we ought tenderly to care for our wives as husbands?
Husbands, God has so designed the marriage relationship that there is no separating your benefit from your wife’s benefit.
If she suffers, you suffer. If she is neglected, you have neglected yourself.
If she grows in Christ, you grow in Christ. If she is loved, then you are loved.
This is the exact opposite of what your flesh, the old sinful nature still attached to you, often feels and wants to do.
Your wife crosses your desire and you feel inclined to speak harshly to her. Or your wife has a need, but you’re feeling lazy, so you neglect it.
Do you realize what you’re really doing in those situations? You are injuring and neglecting your own body, your own flesh.
And worse, you are blaspheming the ultimate reality that marriage was intended to picture: Christ and the church. Whether you’re a Christian or not, whether you’re walking with Christ or not, God holds you accountable for how you uphold his picture of Christ in the church in marriage.
So when you mistreat your wife, when you do not love your wife as Christ loves the church, you are telling your wife and really the whole universe, “This is the way that Christ treats his church, just like this, just like what I did.”
God loves marriage both because of how he originally made it very good and because of what he designed it to represent: this glorious gospel mystery.
So will you, husband, really test God by blaspheming that design, by rejecting that design?
God commands husbands to care tenderly for their wives as their own bodies.
And when you, husband, choose to love your wife by faith in this way, both you and your wife will be blessed and more importantly God will be honored.
So how are you treating your wife?
Is it with nourishing and cherishing love, the same kind with which Christ lavishes you as a member of his body, the church?
Seven Practical Ways to Care for Your Wife
One pastor suggests seven practical ways that husbands can care tenderly for their wives. I shared these recently in our Iron Man study, but I will share them again with you here. I think the repetition is helpful. And if you didn’t get to hear it, well, here you go.
Seven practical ways to care tenderly for your wife as a husband.
Number one, do not neglect your wife for your own pursuits, but spend purposeful time with your wife, especially doing what she enjoys.
Number two, do not speak evil toward or about your wife, but speak words of love, encouragement, sympathy, and praise.
Number three, do not force your wife to get by with the bare minimum, but seek how you can lavish more and more love on her.
Number four, do not seek sexual satisfaction outside your wife, but let your wife, your fountain, be blessed as you rejoice in your wife and in her love, as Proverbs 5 says.
Number five, do not seek to love your wife by simply giving what you think she needs and wants, but find out from her what she truly needs and wants.
Number six, do not merely wait for your wife to ask you to take care of various requests, but anticipate her needs and desires and then go above and beyond.
Number seven, do not cut yourself off from your wife and her counsel, but open up to her and treat her as your valued companion.
“Do not cut yourself off from your wife and her counsel, but open up to her and treat her as your valued companion.”
Much more we could say on this topic, but let’s review the main truths we’ve seen today.
As part of the worthy walk of our great salvation, God calls husbands to love their wives just as Christ loves the church. God gives here three main ways to do this. Number one, sacrifice willingly. Number two, sanctify beautifully. Number three, care tenderly.
This is a good and glorious command from God.
Gospel Hope for Husbands Who Have Failed
But now, husbands, let’s ask ourselves: Have we done this? Have we kept these commands?
Even the best husband among us must admit: No, I have not loved my wife the way that Christ loves the church, the way that Christ loves me and has called me to do. Thus, I have taken this gift of marriage. I’ve taken this gift of my spouse. I’ve taken this sacred revelation of God’s own relationship with his people, and I have blasphemed it. I have earned God’s judgment thereby.
Men, you all have to confess that if you’re married.
So, now what?
Well, now, dear brothers, we must go back and find hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Because what is the spoken word that washed you and washed the entire church? That if anyone repents of his sin and believes in Jesus as savior and lord, he will be saved. His sins will be forgiven and he will be made clean.
Yes, by believing in the gospel, you are now joined to God’s son by spiritual marriage. He has already paid once and for all even for your falling short in marriage.
But you weren’t just given forgiving grace. You were given transforming grace. Christ now calls you to walk anew, to repent and walk anew by the power of his Holy Spirit.
So will you do that? If you’re in Christ, you will.
Because of your great salvation, it is now time to strive to love your wife more like Christ loves you, his church.
“You were not just given forgiving grace—you were given transforming grace. It is time to strive to love your wife more like Christ loves the church.”
So, will you do that? Will you put off whatever thoughts and habits are getting in the way of your obeying this command, this good command, this command that is meant to bless you and your marriage?
Will you put off whatever is getting in the way of that? Wrong thoughts, wrong habits.
Thank God for how he has enabled you to make progress already. I trust that not all of you husbands are the worst as possible with your wives. That’s just God’s grace for you and God’s grace for your wife.
But now it’s time to excel still more.
Become more like your Lord. Enjoy being obedient to him more in this way and in this area.
Wives, apply the same truths when it comes to submitting to your husbands. You have not yet submitted to or honored your husband the way that the church does Christ, the way the church ought to do with Christ. So you too come under the disapproval, even the wrath of God.
But you too can take hold of forgiving and transforming grace by the good news of Jesus Christ. So take hold of it.
Walk more worthy of your great salvation.
And just as your husband should strive to make it easier for you to submit as you should, so you wives should strive to make it easier for your husbands to love you as Christ loves the church.
As I said in the beginning, when a married couple are both growing in obedience to God’s wise will for marriage, their marriage will display more and more God’s happy blessing.
And even if you’re married to a disobedient spouse, you can still bless your marriage by obedience to God. You can make things better if God says so, so will it.
Finding Joy in Christ Above Marriage
Yet a blessed marriage is never the ultimate goal.
As human marriage is not the ultimate joy.
Eternal life is found in relationship with Jesus, not in your relationship with your earthly spouse.
I say this to you because I don’t want you to end up putting your joy and hope in the wrong place. Yes, God’s wisdom, God’s will is so good for human marriages. But still, your marriage will disappoint.
Still, it will never be perfect. So then, where will your joy be? Where will your peace be? Where will your treasure, security? Where will your rock be? Well, it should be where it should have been all along: with God, with his son.
It doesn’t really matter how your marriage is going. It doesn’t really matter how your spouse is doing. You can have a joy and peace that is solid despite whatever circumstances you encounter.
If you will believe in the Lord, you can have abundant joy and peace simply in knowing God and fulfilling his will.
“You can have abundant joy and peace simply in knowing God and fulfilling his will, regardless of your circumstances.”
So wives, be encouraged that as you’re obedient, you will generally bless your marriage. But even if not, find your eternal joy in Christ by submitting to your husband as the church submits to Christ.
And then husbands, yes, you will tend to bless your marriage by your obedience. But even if not, find your eternal joy in Christ by loving your wife as Christ loved the church.
Let us now pray to God.
God, we have many things to be thankful for. We thank you that you have made your wisdom and will known to us. We thank you for marriage as you’ve designed it.
It is good. It is right in all its particulars. Even in a sin-cursed world, it is a blessing. It is good.
But Lord, how it gives us insight into this incredible salvation reality into which we have entered by faith. Christ in us, the hope of glory.
We are one with a member of the Godhead and we will be one even dwelling with him forever.
What joys do you have waiting for your people? What pleasures are at your right hand?
Oh, these temporary marriages, Lord, they are just a picture, a mysterious revelation into a much greater and much grander reality.
In light of that, God, help us indeed to put into practice these words of wisdom.
I pray that husbands, myself included, we would love our wives better. We would love our wives as you love us, as you have loved your church. I pray that wives would love their husbands, submit to them, revere them, support them just as the church, we the church are to do with you.
Lord, would you be pleased to bless the marriages and the families in this church because of that? But regardless, let your people know your joy and peace no matter what’s going on in their marriages in Jesus’ name. Amen.
