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Summer schedule: 9AM Sunday School, 10AM refreshments, and church fellowship meals take a break in July & August. Please join us for Worship Service, which is still held every Sunday at 10:30 AM!
Calvary Community Church

Sunday School

Lesson 6: God’s Design for Husbands

Speaker
David Capoccia

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Note: This transcript and summary was autogenerated. It has not yet been proofread or edited by a human.

Summary

We are reminded that God’s design for husbands in marriage is not one of domination or passivity, but of servant leadership modeled after Christ’s love for the church. This passage teaches us that husbands are called to be leaders, learners, and lovers of their wives—each role rooted in the sacrificial, initiative-taking love of Jesus.

Key Lessons:

  1. A husband’s leadership is not about authority over others, but humble, sacrificial service—like Christ, who came not to be served but to serve (Matthew 20:25–28).
  2. Husbands are called to be lifelong students of their wives, dwelling with them “according to knowledge” (1 Peter 3:7), understanding their unique vulnerabilities and treating them with honor and gentleness.
  3. A husband’s love must mirror Christ’s love for the church—affectionate, sacrificial, sanctifying, initiative-taking, merciful, and ultimately motivated by Christ’s glory rather than a wife’s response.
  4. The marriage relationship is a living picture of Christ and the church; how a husband loves his wife is a testimony to the entire universe of Christ’s love for his bride.

Application: Husbands are called to confess where they have fallen short, put off bitterness and passivity, and walk anew in Christ-like love. Wives are encouraged to make it as easy as possible for their husbands to lead, learn, and love them. Both are called to imitate Christ’s suffering righteousness in the marriage relationship.

Discussion Questions:

  1. In what specific ways have you fallen into the pattern of “lording it over” others rather than serving them as Christ modeled in Matthew 20:25–28?
  2. What is one thing you have learned—or need to learn—about your spouse that would help you “dwell together according to knowledge” as 1 Peter 3:7 commands?
  3. How does understanding that Christ loved the church while she was still sinful and imperfect change the way you approach loving your spouse during times of conflict or disappointment?

Scripture Focus: Matthew 20:25–28 teaches that true greatness comes through servant leadership. 1 Peter 3:7 calls husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way, honoring them as weaker vessels and co-heirs of grace. Ephesians 5:25–32 presents Christ’s sacrificial, sanctifying, and self-giving love for the church as the supreme model for how husbands are to love their wives.

Outline

Introduction

Thank you so much for being here. Let me pray as we begin our Sunday school lesson. Heavenly Father, thank you so much for your word. It’s radical and very difficult to our flesh, and yet it is very good if we are willing to believe it.

Lord, help me to be able to explain this well this morning. In Jesus’ name, amen.

All right, this is now lesson six in our Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood class, and we are going to go through the counterpart today of what we went through last week in God’s Design for Wives.

But before we get to that, let me say something about last week’s homework. We’ll get the slides going in just a second. Last week, you were to read a chapter from Men Counseling Men, the chapter “When Marriage Problems Become Legal Problems.”

That’s by Ed Wilde. It’s a pretty sobering chapter, I think you will admit. It focuses on the man’s perspective in that process, but you can see its relevance both for men and women, and its relevance for counseling those who are considering or are actually going through a divorce.

Now, our lesson is jam-packed today, so I am not able to collect and listen to your questions and observations right now. I did talk with a few of you before the lesson started. Maybe if we have time at the end, we can go back to it.

I hope you appreciated one basic truth from that article. I sometimes tell this to my counselees: in life, you are often faced with the way of righteousness, the way of God, and the way of sin. The way of sin is easier in the beginning, but it’s harder in the end.

The way of God is harder in the beginning, but it’s easier in the end. Divorce seems like the easy out, but it’s not. It’s, in many ways, harder, more painful, more damaging than actually working on your marriage.

So we should heed the author’s instruction, and we should even help our counselees to heed the truth that all those things that you would put into a divorce, put them into your marriage right now, because God is able to transform it, even at its rockiest point.

“The way of God is harder in the beginning, but it’s easier in the end. Put everything you’d put into a divorce into your marriage right now.”

Speaking of God’s powerful grace to transform, let me tell you about your homework for next week. I’m not sure if we’re going to get the slides at all in this lesson. That will be interesting.

Your homework for next week—you should have already received it if you’re part of the class list—is to read another chapter from the book Men Counseling Men, and this is on rebuilding a marriage after adultery.

This one is by Wayne Mack. Your assignment is to read that and write five observations or questions about it. This, again, is going to be a chapter primarily with men in mind, even men who have committed adultery or are counseling men who have committed adultery.

But the principles from that chapter are going to have application both to men and women committing adultery or those who are on the receiving end of that sin. So I’m sure that will be edifying no matter whether you are a man or a woman.

You may have heard of Wayne Mack before. He’s a notable Christian author who has written many counseling books. He has many years of counseling experience with ACBC. He’s actually the director of ACBC Africa, and he’s a church elder and university professor often teaching biblical counseling.

God’s Design for Husbands: Three Roles

Any questions about the homework? All right. Well, it’s time today for us to look at God’s design for husbands. We’ve talked about wives, now let’s talk about God’s design for husbands.

We’re going to do so under three headings: three roles or three types of actions that a Christian husband is to take toward his wife to fulfill God’s design.

A Christian husband is to be a leader of his wife, a learner of his wife, and a lover of his wife. Let’s talk about each one of those.

We’re going to talk first about a husband being a leader of his wife.

“A Christian husband is to be a leader of his wife, a learner of his wife, and a lover of his wife.”

Role 1: A Husband Is to Be a Leader

Now recall last week how we talked about from creation, God’s design is that husbands serve as the head, the leader, the authority in the marriage unit, while the wife serves as the helper, the follower, the one who voluntarily aligns herself under her husband’s authority.

With that being true, does that mean that according to the Bible, marriage is really all about the husband? Is it about fulfilling his will, enforcing his orders, meeting his desires? No, it’s not true. Though that is the way many husbands throughout history have showed functional belief.

That’s what they think marriage is all about. God made me king of this household, and you wife and you children are my slaves. Therefore, do what I say. Do whatever pleases me. Say whatever pleases me or else you shall feel my wrath.

This evil attitude, this tyrannical attitude, has even justified domestic violence of a husband against his wife or a father against his children. But this is very different from what the Bible teaches about being a head, being a leader, being authority.

In fact, who is our best model of a human leader in the Bible? Jesus Christ. After all, he is the Lord. He’s the firstborn of all creation. He is the head of his body, the church, who is his bride.

And what did the Son of God teach us? What did the Son of God model for us when it comes to leadership? Servant leader. Humble leadership. Sacrificial leadership. A leader is about serving others, not being served by others.

“A leader is about serving others, not being served by others.”

True Leadership: Servant and Slave

And one of the clearest passages to show this, one of the clearest passages on true leadership is Matthew 20:25-28. Please turn there. Take your Bibles and turn to Matthew 20:25-28.

The context of this passage is that two of Jesus’ disciples, James and John, have just asked Jesus for the two highest positions of honor and authority in Christ’s coming kingdom. Can we sit on your right and left? Jesus isn’t able to grant that request, and he explains why.

But nevertheless, the other ten disciples, when they hear about what James and John did, become angry, probably resentful, probably a little bit jealous of James and John trying to get in on early what they really wanted. In response, Jesus gives this instruction in Matthew 20:25-28.

Jesus says, “But Jesus called them to himself and said that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It’s not this way among you. But whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many.”

So according to Jesus, how do the rulers and the great ones among unbelieving pagans lead? Jesus says they lord it over them. They exercise authority. It’s all about getting other people to fulfill their orders.

But Jesus says it is not this way among you. You Christians, my disciples, are not to lead like unbelievers do. Instead, how are rulers and great ones among Christians to lead? By taking the role of a servant.

Even taking the role of a slave. And what does a slave or a servant do? He serves. In what areas? All of them. Whatever is required, whatever need the other people have.

Now a slave has needs and desires too, but whose needs and desires are more important to a slave? His own or the people he’s supposed to serve? The people he’s supposed to serve.

How much honor does a slave usually receive for his service? Not much. Often times none. In fact, a slave is even maligned and mistreated, even when he’s being faithful.

Now notice here and in the previous verses, Jesus doesn’t say it’s wrong to seek to be a leader. It’s not even wrong to seek honor and an important place in Christ’s coming kingdom. But Jesus says you must know how you get there.

You must know how God’s universe works. Those who exalt themselves will be what? Humbled. But those who humble themselves will be? Exalted.

This is a principle obvious throughout the Bible, and it’s a principle most obvious in the Son of Man himself, who Jesus says did not come to be served, even though we would think as the Son of God and as the Messiah, he had the right to that. He did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Now what does it mean to give your life as a ransom for others? Give everything to the point of death. You give your life means you will die for that other person so that you might be ransomed. You cannot serve others in a greater way than giving your own life for them.

And the Son of Man did that for his own. So Jesus teaches that God’s kind of leader, far from lording his authority over others, forcing them to fulfill his desires, takes the role of a humble slave, willing to suffer and willing to sacrifice for the good of others.

“God’s kind of leader takes the role of a humble slave, willing to suffer and willing to sacrifice for the good of others.”

So, husbands, congratulations! This is the kind of leader God has appointed you to be in your household. You are not the divinely appointed king of your family. You are the divinely appointed slave.

Your wife and children are not there to fulfill your needs and desires. You are there to fulfill their needs and desires. But this is no punishment from Jesus. No, this position is an opportunity for true greatness, true joy, and true reward later in Christ’s coming kingdom. This is a privilege. This is not a punishment.

“You are the divinely appointed slave. This is no punishment—it is an opportunity for true greatness, true joy, and true reward.”

Now, we haven’t been able to go through the slides yet, and there’s some extra notes on being a biblical leader that I’ve included in your lesson. They come straight from Dr. John Street’s class. I’m not going to go over those right now, but when you look at the slides later, or if you have the notes in front of you, you can peruse more of that.

For the sake of time, though, I’m going to move on from this topic about how a Christian husband should be a leader of his wife to now a second design from God.

Role 2: A Husband Is to Be a Learner

We’ve looked at how a husband is to be a leader of his wife. You can look at those extra notes next time. Now, let’s talk about how a husband should be a learner of his wife. This also is God’s design.

A husband should be a learner of his wife. And to see this, I’d like you to turn to another passage, 1 Peter 3:7. I told you that there are three main passages for talking about the roles of husbands and wives in the Bible: Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3, and Ephesians 5.

It shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that I’m going to 1 Peter 3 here. We saw the instruction to wives in 1 Peter 3:1-6 last time. That’s quickly followed up by an exhortation to husbands, which we read in verse 7.

You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Let’s examine this a little bit more closely. Notice that first phrase, “in the same way.” You husbands in the same way. In the same way as what? Or who? In the same way as the wives, but look at what begins the wives section back in verse 1.

“In the same way, you wives.” So we see that phrase again. It actually has to go back further. What are the wives and the husbands supposed to imitate? Christ, which you see in verses 21-25. And what is it that Christ did specifically in those verses, what’s highlighted?

He suffered righteously. When he was mistreated, when he was disrespected, he continued to do what was right, and he entrusted himself to God. In the same way, you wives. In the same way, you husbands. Now what specifically should husbands do as they seek to imitate Christ in suffering righteously?

Dwelling with Your Wife According to Knowledge

Notice next. Live with your wives in an understanding way. Or more literally, dwell together according to knowledge. This is interesting. We see here that husbands are called continually to live with, to dwell with their wives. This includes every aspect of life that is shared together by a husband and wife, and they should do this in one particular way.

According to knowledge. Peter is saying there’s a particular knowledge necessary for husbands to live with their wives. A knowledge these husbands must obtain for themselves and in which they must continue to grow. Now what knowledge is this? What knowledge must husbands continually steady?

Well, the next part of the verse clarifies. I’ll put it together. Live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, since she is a woman. Or more literally, dwell together according to knowledge as with a weaker vessel, since she is female.

Now men of the world often say, “Who can understand women? Female mind is so mysterious. It’s like women are from another planet. Oh, if only women were more rational, less emotional. Then we could understand them. Then we could actually communicate with them.”

But it’s a hopeless venture. Just give up on trying to figure out the female way of thinking. I mean, it sounds pretty terrible, right? But sadly, I’ve heard this equivalent from frustrated Christian husbands. “Well, my wife is simply unreasonable. Apparently nothing I do will ever make her happy. I cannot understand what she wants from me, and I’ve learned over the years I shouldn’t even bother trying.”

My brethren, the Bible does not allow you to take this stance with your wives. Rather, Peter tells you by the Spirit of God that you can and you must understand your wife. Truly, you can and must understand your wife.

You need to gain general knowledge about her as a woman. How did God create women? What is unique about their gender? But you also need to gain specific knowledge about your wife as a woman. How did God create your wife? What is unique and special about her? What are her strengths and weaknesses? What are her likes and dislikes?

When she speaks using certain words, what is she really trying to say? Obtaining this knowledge is going to require certain things from you. It’s going to require your prolonged effort. It’s going to require you paying attention. It’s going to require quality and quantity time with your wife.

You’re not going to discover everything quickly. In fact, you’re probably going to discover some things that you are actually wrong about and you need to rediscover. You’re misunderstanding your wife. You need to gain new information.

You must be continually asking questions to your wife and listening to her answers without becoming defensive. Why? Because God has commissioned you to be a lifelong learner of your wife. That is the only way you’ll be able to fulfill the first part of the command, to live together, truly dwell together.

“God has commissioned you to be a lifelong learner of your wife. That is the only way you’ll truly dwell together.”

Now, brethren, I am still growing in my own study of my wife as a woman, but one truth I can tell you with full confidence about all wives is that wives want to be understood. Wives want to be known.

Wives become terribly hurt, terribly frustrated when their husbands do not understand them. And more than that, they do not care to understand them or they dismiss their wives as completely and hopelessly impossible to understand. Husbands, we’ve got to follow the golden rule here.

How would you like it if someone treated you in this way, doesn’t want to understand you, and concludes that you are too irrational and foolish to be understood? But here’s where a husband might say, “Well, my wife doesn’t seek to understand me, so why should I seek to understand her?”

Well, to be sure, it’s good, it’s right, it’s loving for a wife to seek to understand her husband. She should do that. But there’s a reason that this command is given to husbands specifically and not wives here. And why is that?

It’s because the primary responsibility is for husbands to understand their wives and not the other way around. Why? Because husbands, you the man, you are ultimately responsible for the household environment that you create before God. You’re the leader. You set the pace. You set the tone.

Therefore, it is more important for you to understand her than for her to understand you. As an example, I shared with you before one way I had to grow in understanding my wife. When she would make statements to me like, “Dave, I’m cold,” or “We’re out of paper towels,” or “The trash is full,” I had to learn that she wasn’t merely reporting facts or subtly critiquing my ability to provide or needlessly beating around the bush about what she wanted.

She was, in fact, inviting me to take care of an express need and thereby show care for her. I didn’t get this right away. I had to learn this. But asking her about the issue and listening to her explanation really helped me.

It wasn’t what I expected. It maybe didn’t fit with my original way of thinking. But I learned about her, and I came to understand her way of thinking. Rather than asking her to adjust to me, I adjusted to her as a leader and a servant.

Now, I don’t know if all wives are like my wife, but my calling is to study my wife, and this is one thing that I’ve learned. So husbands, you would do the same with your wives. You were to study them, you were to get a PhD in the study of your wife, so that you may know how to dwell together with her before the Lord.

“Get a PhD in the study of your wife, so that you may know how to dwell together with her before the Lord.”

Honoring the Weaker Vessel

And by the way, one inevitable result of you getting to know your wife like this is that you will change your approach with her. That is, you will learn to be gentle with her. Look again at 1 Peter 3:7.

It says, “Live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, literally a weaker vessel, since she is a woman.” In what sense is a female, is a wife, a weaker vessel? There’s been a lot of confusion about this in Christian history, with many concluding that a wife, even all women, are morally and spiritually weaker than men.

After all, 1 Timothy 2:14 says it was the woman who was originally deceived, not Adam, the man. So basically, 1 Peter 3:7 is commanding husbands to be patient and vigilant with their extra sinful wives. But this cannot be the meaning.

This cannot be Peter’s intended meaning. Genesis 1:27 says that male and female were both created in the image of God. They were equal in that. Galatians 3:26 and 29, along with many other New Testament passages, stress that men and women are equal inheritors of all salvation blessings, including the Holy Spirit’s power to sanctify, the Holy Spirit’s empowerment to overcome sin.

Actually, 1 Peter 3:7 itself stresses, if you look towards the end of the verse, that husbands must recognize their wives as co-heirs of the grace of life. That phrase most likely is talking about eternal life. They are co-heirs.

They’re equal with you. So whatever 1 Timothy 2:14 is saying about women, and we can talk about that verse another time, wives are not spiritually weaker or morally inferior to their husbands. So in what sense is a wife a weaker vessel compared to her husband?

The most obvious answer is that she is physically weaker, generally speaking. This is almost universally recognized, no matter where you go in the world. Because of the way that God made women and made their bodies, wives generally are not as large and strong compared to their husbands, which means a wife with a bigger and stronger husband is what to him?

She is weaker, but she’s also vulnerable to him. He’s bigger and stronger. If he wanted to push her around, he could. Being a wife brings physical vulnerability. This vulnerability, especially in an ancient context, but to some extent today, leads to other vulnerabilities or includes other vulnerabilities.

Especially back in that time, a wife was more socially vulnerable. She lacked many of a man’s legal rights. Her testimony didn’t count as much in court. She often couldn’t go places by herself without the company of a man.

She was more socially vulnerable. And she was more economically vulnerable. She couldn’t perform the same trades or tasks as a man. When she did, she often earned less money doing so because she couldn’t give as much labor.

She’s physically weaker. We could even say, perhaps as a result of these other vulnerabilities, that a wife was typically more emotionally vulnerable. Again, this is not because she’s weaker in character, that she’s somehow morally deficient, but when she is physically weaker, when she does not have as much physical, social, or economic power compared to those around her, we can understand how she could become more easily frightened, intimidated, or overwhelmed by those who do have that power.

The point is that a woman is not a man and cannot be treated like a man. It might be appropriate for you husbands when your man buddy complains of a sniffly nose to say to him, “Buck up, cupcake.”

But that is not appropriate for you to tell your wife when she is sick, even if it is just a sniffle. She ought to be treated with tenderness and compassion as the weaker vessel. The pottery metaphor, which is what this term literally is referring to, is actually worth meditating on.

Men, if you’re married, your wife is not like a piece of indestructible Tupperware that can be tossed around, set down roughly, or accidentally dropped and be no worse for wear. No, she’s more like a fifth-century Ming vase. She’s much more delicate.

And to her husband, she ought to be much more valuable and beautiful. Now, it’s interesting. Weaker vessels back in that time would be the more prized vessels. They’re usually made with more care. They required more care. And that fits with what we hear later on in the verse.

Their husbands are exhorted to show their wives honor. Indeed, a husband should treat that weaker, more delicate vessel in the marriage partnership with more care and more honor than he would treat himself. So to summarize, coming to understand your wife’s greater physical weakness and greater vulnerability as a woman should lead you to live with her in a more caring and gentle way.

“Understanding your wife’s greater physical weakness and vulnerability should lead you to live with her in a more caring and gentle way.”

Certainly, you should not try to take advantage of her vulnerability by mistreating her. She’s weaker. I can get away with this. She doesn’t have any recourse. I can get away with this. No, you will not get away with this.

As this verse says at the end, those who do mistreat their wives, who fail to show care, who fail to show honor, who fail to live according to knowledge with their wives, they will find their prayers blocked before God.

That is just one among other consequences. God is taking note, even if your wife doesn’t have other recourse due to her vulnerability. So then we can see God’s design for the husband in marriage is not only to be a leader, but to be a learner, a continual learner of his wife.

Role 3: A Husband Is to Be a Lover

But there’s a third role that a husband is to fulfill in God’s design, and that is a husband is to be a lover of his wife. And I don’t mean simply be a romantic and sexual companion to his wife.

That’s what the world thinks a husband is supposed to be, only that. But the love God commands husbands to have for their wives is much bigger and much more beautiful than that.

Turn to Ephesians 5:25 with me. People think about the relations of husbands and wives. This is usually the passage, right? We were looking at Ephesians 5:21-24 last week. Now we look at Ephesians 5:25.

Going down to verse 33 is where we see Paul treat extensively how husbands are to act with their wives. What kind of love does Paul say a husband should have for his wife in this set of verses? Look at Ephesians 5:25.

“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Many of you have heard this verse before, but pay attention to how radical this calling is here. God’s design for husbands is that they love their own wives like Christ loved, past tense, and still love the church, his redeemed people.

This is as radical a command as what God says to wives in just a few verses earlier: “Wives, submit to your husbands in everything.” You say, that’s radical. This is just as radical, if not more radical. Husbands, love your wives in the same way Christ loved the church.

“God’s design for husbands is that they love their own wives like Christ loved the church—as radical a command as wives submitting in everything.”

And there are many implications, very many pointed implications that come from that one statement. Paul says some of them explicitly, others we can just think about. I’m going to point out seven implications from this call for a husband to love his wife like Christ loved the church.

Love That Is Affectionate and Sincere

Here’s the first one. A husband’s love is to be affectionate and sincere. This comes right from verse 25. The Greek word for love there is one you’ve heard probably many times before.

It’s agapao, from which we get the phrase agape love. Agape is the noun form, agapao is the verb form. Agape love is often described as a love of the will, an unconditional love, a holy love, a self-sacrificing love.

And that is true many times, especially when we’re talking about godly love. But don’t miss the fundamental, the more basic meaning of agapao. In Koine Greek, agapao means to have a warm regard for and interest in another, to cherish, to have affection for, to love.

Why am I emphasizing that to you? Because this means agape love involves your feelings. It involves your affections. As a husband, if you’re commanded to show agape love to your wife, then you are commanded to have sincere affection for her.

This is the way Christ loved the church. Husbands are to do this for their wives. Now some husbands say, “But I’ve fallen out of love with my wife. I don’t have affection for her anymore. It went away,” as if the husband had no control of that.

Yet God says you must love your wife with affection. This does indeed involve your will. You must choose to do this, but not just in your actions. You must think about her in such a way that you are committed to her and have affection for her.

You have affection for her in your heart. Now it’s always striking when the Bible commands us to have emotions, right? How can God command emotions? I thought emotions just kind of happened to us. Well, it’s because emotions rise from what you think and believe.

Your emotions rise from what’s going on in your heart. So you need to set your heart in order so that you cultivate the proper emotions for your wife. You are to rightly regard your wife in your heart so that your sincere affection for her grows.

And it translates into your words and actions. Don’t content yourself in saying, “I am fulfilling my calling to love my wife,” if you feel no affection for her in your heart. Now she may not be completely godly. She may have sinned against you in some serious ways, and yet God says, have affection for her in your heart.

Just like Christ does for the church. Was the church completely godly? Was the church always deserving of the Lord’s affection? Absolutely not. But he chose to set his affection on the church, and you are to choose to set your affection on your wife, because God has brought you together in marriage.

“Christ chose to set his affection on the church, and you are to choose to set your affection on your wife.”

And during those times where you do not feel great affection for your wife, maybe because she just sinned against you, what are you to do? Well, by faith, do the deeds of affection until the feelings come. Don’t wait around for your feelings, because we already know how long that’s going to take—forever.

By faith, you say, “Lord, she’s really hard to love right now. I don’t feel much affection for her, but I’m going to seek to show affection. I’m going to trust that you’re going to put that in my heart.” And God often does.

So that’s number one. A husband’s love is to be affectionate and sincere.

“By faith, do the deeds of affection until the feelings come. Don’t wait around for your feelings.”

Love That Is Sacrificial

Number two, a husband’s love is to be sacrificial. It’s to be sacrificial. And this should be very obvious from verse 25, right? Just as Christ gave himself up for his church. Now what does it mean that Christ gave himself up for his church?

Stephanie? Yeah, he laid down his life, he died for her, but that’s not all he did. Remember, he laid aside the glory of heaven to be incarnated, to take on the form of a human, even a slave, Philippians 2 says.

He lived a perfectly righteous life for her sake. He resisted temptations, he resisted distractions so that he could fulfill his mission to redeem her. He did indeed die a death on her behalf. He took care of her most important and painful problem.

He rose again from the dead for her justification. He interceded and intercedes even now for her in prayer. He taught and is still teaching her by his spirit. And indeed, he sent his spirit to reside in her always.

Jesus has done a lot for his church. I think it’s safe to say that Christ has held back nothing in his love. He gave his life. He gave everything that he had. He’s given every blessing that God has to his wife.

All the blessings in the heavenly places, Ephesians 1 says. And God says, husbands, you are to do the same for your wives. Now we husbands can talk a big game when it comes to loving our wives. I love my wife so much, I would die for her.

I give the ultimate sacrifice. So what? You’ll probably never be tested in that claim. But you will be tested. The real test is not literally dying for your wife, but figuratively dying for her. Setting aside your desires, postponing the fulfillment of your needs so that you can fulfill her desires and fulfill her needs.

This is going to mean that you will have to suffer. You will need to suffer for her sake to show her love. And this includes, men, even helping her with household tasks. I’ve heard some husbands justify not loving their wives in a particular way, even in a way requested by the wife, by saying, oh, but that’s women’s work.

I’m a man, that’s women’s work. Cooking food, washing dishes, cleaning the house, changing diapers, that’s women’s work. I don’t have to do that. I’m sorry. Who told you that certain tasks you cannot or should not help your wife with?

Was there anything that Christ was not willing to do for his church? He was even willing to violate social convention to do so. All expectations of what God should do. Are you better than Jesus Christ? There’s some tasks that would help your wife that you just can’t do.

Furthermore, some husbands seem to have like a little service meter. And once that meter reaches a certain point, they don’t need to love their wives anymore. Oh, meter’s already full. Sorry, check back on me tomorrow. Hey, I already cleaned the windows for you.

That was a big ask. It’s not reasonable for you to expect me to do anything more for you today. Or I just spent 10 hours at work bringing home money for the family. I’m tired. Therefore, it’s inappropriate, oh wife, that you now ask me to help with the kids.

These excuses will not work. Because did Christ have such a meter? Here’s how much I will serve you, church, and no more. No. As the Bible testifies, Jesus often ministered nonstop. He ministered when he was tired. He ministered when he was grieving.

He ministered when he was in pain. And he ministered when he was not being appreciated for his ministry. Husbands, you are to do the same. Now a wise husband will coordinate with his wife to divide up most efficiently household tasks according to gifting and calling.

It is not the case that the husband should do everything himself. Don’t worry, wife, I’ll take care of it all. Don’t do a thing. No, he needs to lead this family unit well, and that’s going to include some delegation.

He’s going to help coordinate the tasks most efficiently. Furthermore, there is a limit. There is a limit to what a husband can realistically sacrifice for his wife before his health or other important responsibilities will suffer. I remember one of my teachers in seminary talking about how he really wanted to serve his wife.

They just had a baby. He just started seminary full time. So he said, all right, I’m going to make sure I give you all the time during the day, but when you guys go to bed, that’s when I’ll do my homework.

And that way, I make sure that I serve you. That was a great thought. That was a wonderful, wonderful desire. But two weeks of that, getting about three hours of sleep a night, he got pneumonia. And he was bedridden, and he wasn’t able to help his wife or do his seminary work at that point.

So there is a limit. Yes, there is a realistic limit as to what a husband can sacrifice. But a husband’s attitude should be, whatever I can do for you, whatever you need from me, even when it’s not convenient for me to do it, I will seek to do it.

Many husbands think that their wives’ love expectations, their wives’ sacrificial service expectations are unreasonably high. But the fact is that it’s the husband’s service expectations, so much of the time, that are unreasonably low. If you were to love your wife like Christ loved the church, then your love must be sacrificial to the uttermost.

“If you were to love your wife like Christ loved the church, your love must be sacrificial to the uttermost.”

Love That Is Sanctifying

That’s the beautiful kind of love. And number three, that love is sanctifying. A husband’s love is not just to be affectionate, sincere, and sacrificial. It’s to be sanctifying.

Look at Ephesians 5:26. Look at a purpose statement. “Wives, just as Christ also loved the church, gave himself up for her, verse 26, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”

Husbands, do you realize that truly sincere, affectionate, sacrificial service is powerful to sanctify? You set a supernatural example before your wife, and you strongly encourage her by doing so to follow it. Husbands, you are to seek to set a good example before your wife.

That is, you need to walk with the Lord to help her walk with the Lord. You should also talk about the truths of the Bible with your wife, and where you have ability, you should teach God’s word to your wife.

Even if you don’t have ability, you should purposely connect your wife to the means of grace that will promote her spiritual growth. Help her to feed on the Bible. Get her connected to good Christian teaching. Pray with her.

Help her to pray. Get her involved in church fellowship. Get her involved in church service. Serve with her. This will be sanctifying to her.

You husbands will also need to bear with the sins of your wife patiently. She still sins just like you do. You need to bear with her and sometimes confront her in sin with gentleness.

Now, perhaps one surprising but very important way that a husband will sanctify his wife is how he deals with his own sin, even the sin that he commits against her.

Because you see, even godly husbands will sin against their wives at times. This is true of your elders, your pastors. It’s true of every Christian man, even one who is mature. Godly husbands will still sin against their wives.

And when a husband does, when he realizes this or is confronted over it by his wife or by someone else, what must he do if he really wants to sanctify his wife as Christ did in his love to the church?

He will humbly confess his sin. He will express true repentance over it and he will seek to make things right with his spouse. This is counterintuitive to the flesh. This is not evident in the world at all.

The world thinks a leader admitting sin, admitting evil, admitting a mistake—no, that’s the way to kill his credibility. That’s the way to make nobody follow him anymore. Don’t ever do that. Don’t show weakness. Show that you are perfect all the time.

First of all, that would be a lie. But second of all, that is not the way. To pretend that you are perfect is not the way to gain credibility. It is the sure way to lose credibility.

The true way to gain credibility, the true way to encourage your wife to follow your lead is to own up to your own sin. You greatly strengthen your wife’s trust in you when you do so.

And why? Because you show that you too are under authority. You’re not a special case. You also are under God’s authority. You also are called to confess and forsake your own sin.

And you also are in need of Christ’s grace, just like your wife is. When you show that to your wife, that has a powerful sanctifying effect. And it is very disarming.

If you and your wife are in conflict, she’s angry with you, and you own up to your own sin, that often does a lot to defuse her anger.

“You greatly strengthen your wife’s trust in you when you own up to your sin and show that you too are under God’s authority.”

Love That Is Initiative-Taking

So many ways that a husband should sanctify his wife. He is called to do so because Christ sanctified his church to the uttermost, especially using the word. One connected concept to this is a fourth way that a husband is to be a lover of his wife: a husband’s love is to be initiative-taking.

Be initiative-taking. This is implied in Ephesians 5:25-26, but it is more explicit in another verse, 1 John 4:19, which I’ll just read to you. 1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.”

Now, some husbands are convinced that when there’s a problem in the marriage or there’s some lack of love, it is the wife’s job to make the first move. After all, I’m the head. I’m the authority. My helpers are supposed to come to me.

Or she’s the one who sinned against me. I’ll just wait until she figures it out, until she repents, until she humbly comes before me and repents. But is that what Jesus did for His church? No. If He had, how long would He have been waiting for us to come and humble ourselves before Him?

Forever. We would never have done it. This is the beauty of the gospel: that Christ, the head of all, the offended party, did not wait for us to seek Him out, but He sought us. More than that, what does Romans 5:8 say?

Romans 5:8 says, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: that while we were yet sinners, while we were in rebellion, while we did not want him, Christ died for us.” Jesus didn’t wait for his spouse to show him love before he showed love to her.

“While we were yet sinners, while we were in rebellion, Christ died for us. He initiated. Husbands, you are to do the same.”

Far from it. He showed her the most extravagant love, even when she didn’t love him at all. He initiated. Husbands, you are to do the same for your wives, especially during times of conflict.

Now, the Bible does teach that when two people are in conflict, both parties are obligated to seek one another out—the one who sinned and the one who’s been sinned against. They’re both called to seek reconciliation. Matthew 5:23 shows this. Matthew 18:15 shows this, both of them together.

However, because the husband is the leader in the marriage and the one who is most tasked with setting a godly example, he should be the one most ready to initiate reconciliation when there’s conflict in the marriage, no matter who sinned. Oftentimes it’s going to be both, but it doesn’t really matter.

The husband should be the one most ready to initiate reconciliation. If he’s consistently not ready to do this, or if he in fact does not do this very much, that is a bad sign.

“Because the husband is the leader, he should be the one most ready to initiate reconciliation when there’s conflict, no matter who sinned.”

Love That Is Merciful

And that may point to ongoing pride and bitterness in his heart. Which leads me to my next point. A husband in his love is also to be merciful, merciful to his wife. Again, this is implied in Ephesians 5:25, but it’s more explicit in another verse, Colossians 3:19.

Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.” Now you husbands probably know that if you want to find reasons to be embittered against your wife, you will find them.

She’s imperfect. She’s a sinner. She misunderstands. So you can find little things like the following to make you bitter: she wasn’t respectful to me in that conversation, she’s denied me physical intimacy again, she’s asked me to do yet another task for her when she knows that I’m tired.

You can take these. You can stew over these. You can nurse these little hurts, these mistreatments, these misunderstandings, and it will make you bitter. And you will suddenly lash out at your wife in self-righteous anger: “You always do this, and I put up with you so much, but I’m not going to take it anymore.”

Or perhaps you will just simply start to distance yourself from your wife. Don’t really talk with her. Don’t take more than obligatory interest in fulfilling her needs. Bury yourself in your work. Bury yourself in your church ministry. Bury yourself in your entertainment. Keep away from your wife.

But Christ specifically forbids you from embarking upon this sin of commission, becoming bitter, which, by the way, brings with it a whole bunch of other sins of omission—things you should be doing for your wife that you are no longer willing to do.

You are bringing a whole bundle of sins with you and going into bitterness. You are forbidden from doing that. Rather, you are to be forgiving. You are to be patient. You are to show mercy to your wife. Do not hold her sins against her.

Show her the mercy that you would like her to show you. Remember, James says that if you won’t be merciful to others, God will not be merciful to you. It’s a fundamental evidence of an evil heart. And really, to do otherwise, to refuse to show mercy, is to shoot yourself in the foot.

“You are to be forgiving. You are to be patient. Show mercy to your wife. Do not hold her sins against her.”

Love That Is Wisely Self-Interested

Why is that? Because of number six. A husband’s love is to be self-interested in a godly way. Self-interested in a godly way. Look back at Ephesians 5:27. Paul continues by saying about Jesus, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

Notice that this verse gives a purpose statement from what just came before. Why did Jesus love the church and give himself up for her? Why did Jesus sanctify her by his cleansing word? Verse 27: that he might present to himself like a resplendent, unblemished royal bride, the church in holy glory.

Why would Jesus present such an unblemished bride to himself? Well, I think it’s the whole point of God’s plan, right? That he might show the greatness of his kindness and grace towards us. Yes, it is the fulfillment of God’s plan.

It is going to glorify God. It is going to enable Christ to continue to show his riches to his church. But I think there’s a more basic answer. Jonathan. To enjoy his perfect bride. That’s right, to enjoy his bride.

I mean, wouldn’t this be the case for any king who had such a resplendent bride as this? He’s beautified her. He’s made sure that she’s totally unblemished. And then he presents her to himself and he says, now we can enjoy each other.

This is very interesting. Even though, as the two verses before this have emphasized to us, Jesus paid the uttermost cost to save and sanctify his bride, all in accordance with the Father’s will, he knew that he would get to enjoy the results in the end.

Is that an incidental detail? Is that meant to be instructive for us? Well, look at what comes next in verses 28 to 30. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body. Notice the “so” in the beginning of verse 28.

What does that transition word tell us? In the same way. Jesus did this, so husbands ought to do this. In the same way as Jesus gets to enjoy the fruits of his sacrificial sanctifying labor, so Christian husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

Now listen. All of us naturally love our own physical bodies. You may say, are you sure? Well, even if we wish our bodies were a little bit different, a little bit taller, a little bit stronger, a little bit leaner, we still love our bodies.

And how do we know that? Because of the way we nourish and cherish them. We feed our bodies the best food and drink that we can find. We try to protect our bodies from getting hurt. When we do get hurt or when we’re sick, we tenderly take care of our bodies.

We’re not rough with our bodies. We clothe our bodies with not only what is comfortable, but what is fashionable, as best as we can obtain. And when we love our bodies in this way, who benefits? We do. I mean, the body benefits, but because we’re connected to our body, we do.

Well, Paul says in verse 30, this is part of why Christ loves the church the way he does. It’s his body. Of course he’s going to care for his body. Of course he’s going to sacrifice for his body, because it’s his own.

And he knows he’s going to receive the benefit from it in the end. And God says this is part of how husbands are to love their wives, just as Christ loves the church. So husbands, do you realize that spiritually speaking, when you hurt, you sin against, when you neglect your wife, well, who are you also hurting, sinning against, and neglecting?

Yourself. Why would you do that? But on the flip side, when you bless, when you sanctify, when you nourish your wife with love, well, who else do you bless, sanctify, and nourish with love? Yourself, which is why the text says, he who loves his wife loves himself.

Christ understood this concept while showing love to his church. And he is even now yet looking forward to fully enjoying the fruit of his sacrificial love in that beautiful and holy consummation that is coming with his church. He says, husbands, you can and should do the same.

“He who loves his wife loves himself. Christ is looking forward to fully enjoying the fruit of his sacrificial love.”

Sacrifice yourself for the sake of your bride so that you too can enjoy a more beautiful and holy wife in the future. Yes, this will be to the glory of God, but he encourages you this will be to your blessing as well.

All God’s ways are good, and this is just another way that his design for marriage is good. Now, this isn’t to be the ultimate motivation. This doesn’t always happen. Generally, it does. But it is to be a motivation.

Love Motivated by Christ and His Glory

What should be our ultimate motivation? Well, that’s what my final point is. Number seven: a husband’s love is to be motivated ultimately by Christ and his glory. And this is what we see even at the end of our passage, verses 31 and 32.

For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the Church.

Now, you may recognize verse 31 as a quotation of Genesis 2:24, a verse that we have looked at extensively. But notice the flow of thought from verse 30 to verse 31. Grammatically speaking, as written, Paul asserts that the reason for marriage—a man leaving his father and mother and being joined to his wife—is because we, the Church, are members of Christ’s body.

Verse 30: we are members of Christ’s body. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. You say, is that really his intent? Well, notice what he follows up verse 31 with: verse 32, that the truly great mystery is not human marriage, but what human marriage was always designed to point to—Christ and the Church.

As I began to say, husbands, there is a strong likelihood that when you initiate and when you persevere in Christ-like love to your wife, your marriage will be transformed for the better. It is natural for a wife to respond to such love with love of her own.

But even if that does not happen, you have a calling. You have an opportunity available to you, which is to obediently do your part in representing to all the universe Christ’s love for his yet imperfect bride, the Church.

She will be perfected one day. She is yet imperfect, and yet he has shown such love to her. I am going to represent that, husband. You were called to represent that to the universe. And this obedience is a joy that is unassailable because it is not dependent on your wife’s response.

It is the joy of Christ himself. Never say, husbands, that you have no reason anymore to love your wife. No matter what she does or has done, Christ and his glory are the ultimate reason to love your wife.

“No matter what she does or has done, Christ and his glory are the ultimate reason to love your wife.”

Conclusion and Application

If you love Christ, you will love your wife the way that Christ loves the Church. There is much more to say, but this overview will have to suffice. We’ve seen the three fundamental roles that God gives in his design for husbands.

A Christian husband is to be a leader of his wife, a learner of his wife, and a lover of his wife. Now we look at this, husbands, and we all have to admit that we have failed in this calling to some degree.

But as we’ve seen before from Paul, we are to put off what is behind and we are to stretch forward to what lies ahead for the prize of the upward call of Christ. Let us excel still more in love to our wives.

Let us not say, as I’ve heard some husbands say, “Well, I’m not Jesus Christ.” Yeah, that’s great, but I’m not Jesus Christ. You have the spirit of Christ in you, and this is the calling from Christ. You can do this, and you can get better at this.

Confess and repent of how you failed, but now walk anew in Christ because the prize is there waiting for you. And the Lord encourages you by saying, you also will experience more blessing in your marriage if you will do this.

“You have the spirit of Christ in you. Confess and repent of how you failed, but now walk anew in Christ—the prize is waiting.”

And let us at least continue to walk by the standard we have already achieved, as Paul also says. I should also mention, like I said to husbands last week, let me say to wives: wives, do not try to sinfully take advantage of this calling that God gives to your husband.

Rather, make it as easy as you possibly can for your husband to do these things—to lead you, to learn you, to love you. You will bless yourself if you do so. Now I’m sure you have questions and comments.

That’s all the time we have today, so come talk with me afterwards or send me an email. Next week, we move on from talking about marriage specifically. We’re going to talk about God’s design for communication, often an issue in marriage.

Let me end our time with prayer. Lord, Paul is correct when he says the truly great mystery is the union of Christ with his church—the incredible love of Christ towards his church. Marriage is amazing. Marriage is mysterious.

Marriage is good, and yet it’s just a picture of what is even better, more amazing, more unfathomable. Lord, we look to these last two weeks at the radical callings of husband and wife. And Lord, we know that this is something that we cannot do apart from your grace, apart from your empowerment, apart from your strengthening promises.

But you’ve given us all those things. You’ve given us all those things in your word and in the Lord Jesus Christ. So God, whatever sin needs to be put off, whatever evil thoughts of the heart need to be put off, whatever proud thoughts in the heart need to be put off, I pray that they would.

And Lord, those faith-filled thoughts, those humble thoughts, those loving thoughts towards the husband and wife, I pray that they would be put on so that we may speak and act in a way that honors you and our marriages.

And Lord, you encourage us by saying we ourselves will be blessed by the fruit of it. It may be hard in the beginning, but it will be so much nicer in the end. Lord, give us faith, give us the perseverance in this, and give yourself the glory.

In Jesus’ name, amen. Thank you.

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