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Summer schedule: 9AM Sunday School, 10AM refreshments, and church fellowship meals take a break in July & August. Please join us for Worship Service, which is still held every Sunday at 10:30 AM!
Calvary Community Church

Sunday School

Lesson 4: God’s Design for Marriage

Speaker
David Capoccia

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In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia overviews what the Bible teaches about God’s design for marriage. More specifically, Pastor Dave investigates the biblical answers to two fundamental questions:

1. What is marriage?
2. Why marriage?

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Note: This transcript and summary was autogenerated. It has not yet been proofread or edited by a human.

Summary

We are reminded that marriage is God’s institution, not a human invention, and must be understood and practiced according to his design as revealed in Genesis 2 and throughout Scripture. This lesson walks through a biblical definition of marriage and explores seven God-given purposes for it.

Key Lessons:

  1. Marriage is a lifelong covenant — not a convenience to be dissolved when difficult — established by God himself, who joins husband and wife as one flesh.
  2. Marriage is full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship between one man and one woman; any intimacy outside or in addition to this violates God’s design and invites his judgment.
  3. God’s purposes for marriage include companionship, co-stewardship of creation, procreation, sexual enjoyment and protection, and the sanctification of both spouses through trials.
  4. Marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church, meaning how we conduct our marriages is a testimony — or a blasphemy — before the world and before God.

Application: We are called to examine whether our purposes for marriage align with God’s purposes, and to adjust our perspectives, habits, and priorities accordingly — rejecting the world’s self-centered view of marriage and embracing God’s design for his glory and our sanctification.

Discussion Questions:

  1. In what ways might you be looking to your spouse to provide something that only Christ can provide — and how does recognizing this change how you approach your marriage?
  2. How does understanding marriage as a picture of Christ and the church change the way you think about enduring a difficult or painful marriage?
  3. What is one specific purpose of marriage from this lesson that you have underemphasized, and what would it look like to align more fully with God’s design in that area?

Scripture Focus: Genesis 2:18, 24 (the foundation of marriage as companionship and lifelong covenant); Matthew 19:6, 9 (Jesus on divorce and the permanence of marriage); Ephesians 5:31–32 (marriage as a mystery pointing to Christ and the church); Hebrews 13:4 (the marriage bed honored and undefiled); Malachi 2:14–16 (God hates treacherous divorce).

Outline

Introduction

Good morning and welcome to Sunday School. Allow me to open in a word of prayer.

Heavenly Father, thank you so much for being our father and for showing us your truth and your design for families and your design for marriage. I pray, God, that this would be a very illuminating time, encouraging, instructive, even convicting. Lord, I pray that you would build up the families and marriages at this church even through this class right now. Use me, Lord, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Right, we have reached Lesson Four in our new series: biblical counseling for marriage and parenthood. Today we are talking about God’s design for marriage.

As is our custom, let’s begin class by going over the homework assignment that you were given last week.

Homework Review: Pre-Engagement Questions

Last week, your assignment was to read the article “Should We Get Married? Five Free-Engagement Questions to Ask Yourselves” by David Powlson and John Yenko. You were supposed to read that and write down five observations or questions. So what were some observations or questions you had based on reading the article?

What’s something, Tony?

That’s right, good observation. The article writers are making the point: Jesus Christ is more important than marriage or the other person in your marriage. Which you think, like, “Well, if I’m going to love the other person, don’t I need to love them?” But actually, you love the other person best by loving Christ more. And you love your marriage, in a sense, best by loving Christ more than your marriage.

I think Mike, did you have your hand raised?

Right, yeah. So Mike, bringing back a kind of repeated idea in this course, which is: a Godly marriage is a good thing, a Godly husband and Godly wife is a good thing. But that’s not the ultimate goal. It is Christ and being like him.

So there’s actually one of the first questions he asks yourself in this article: “Why do you want to get married?” And one of the follow-ups to that is: “Are you looking for marriage to provide for you something that only Christ can?”

That’s where a lot of marriages get into trouble. They think a spouse—the wife or the husband—is going to provide that fulfillment, that security, that really only Jesus can. And when the spouse inevitably doesn’t measure up, they become angry, they become depressed. They think, “I got in the wrong marriage.” But you are never supposed to be looking for that in the first place.

It’s a gift, but it’s not the ultimate gift. And when you make it more than it is, you’ve actually fallen into idolatry.

So you’re right. We need to make sure: what is this all about? It’s about Christ. Marriage can be an aid to that, should be an aid to that. But marriage is not the ultimate end goal.

“Marriage is a gift, but it’s not the ultimate gift. It’s about Christ.”

Stephanie, I saw your hand.

Marrying Only a Believer

Absolutely. Your observation that a lot of people, especially women, will compromise the requirement that the person you marry be a Christian—and not just a professing Christian, but an actual Christian who is walking in increasing holiness before the Lord—is important. All sorts of rationalizations come out, excuses: “Oh, I’m going to change him. He’s going to become a Christian.” But so many times those excuses fall flat, and the person just ends up reaping later a very painful fruit of what they’ve sown.

This is such an obvious requirement from the Bible. We often go to that “do not be unequally yoked” passage in 2 Corinthians 6:14, which talks about more than just marriage but certainly applies to marriage. But even in 1 Corinthians 7:39, talking about a widow who’s been freed from the bond to her husband, she’s allowed to remarry, but it says “only in the Lord.”

From the beginning, we want to encourage our young people, or if you are a young person: you must have it as your conviction. “I will not pursue marriage to someone who is not a believer growing in holiness.” Don’t say, “Oh, well, I’m going to date him, but I’m not going to marry him.” Don’t do that.

Your heart is going to get entangled. You don’t even know how much you are going to become attached to that person. “Oh, I can handle it.” No. Many, many people have said that, and then they ended up getting married to an unbeliever. And then they say, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

So go with the wisdom of God. Obey the Lord. Start out from the beginning with that conviction: “Is this person a true Christian?” And not only is that a requirement from God, but it’s the way to bless your marriage. You want to be with somebody who’s godly and is going to encourage you in godliness.

An unbeliever, no matter how nice he seems to you in the beginning, he’s not going to do that for you.

“Obey the Lord. Start out from the beginning with that conviction: ‘Is this person a true Christian?’”

To repeat a comment just for anybody listening to the recording: anybody who’s lived a good amount of time in the Lord has seen people say, “I’m going to love them into the kingdom” or “They’re going to get saved. He’s a Christian, yeah, he’s not really walking like it, but he’s a Christian.” And then later you just see the disaster that unfolds.

Why does somebody want to get married if they’re afraid “Oh, time’s running out and I have to get that treasure”? Well, then they’re going to start compromising on the standards of the Bible. But you have to go back and recenter: why do you want to get married in the first place?

Are you looking for something that only Jesus can provide? Well, then you’re going to compromise his standards. But if you say, “Oh, no, Jesus is my top priority,” then it only makes sense that you will say, “And so it’s got to be a believer.”

Such a valuable piece of counsel here: the person who’s thinking about getting married needs to seek counsel from multiple sources, especially their parents. But not all the counsel is going to be equal. You have to discern that counsel from the scriptures. You have to sift through it.

We got to be plain about it: the person who’s going with their feelings—going with their feelings over the authority of the Bible or holding to their own desires over Christ’s desires—it’s idolatry. It’s spiritual adultery.

Now, when a person goes into a non-biblical marriage, sinfully enters in that kind of marriage, well, they’re married now. You can’t be like, “Oh, I made a mistake, so I got a divorce.” No. God has joined you together, even though it was against his revealed will. And so now you’re going to have to make the most of it.

But we would love to spare people, we would love to spare our brothers and sisters, that pain of disobeying the Lord, reaping the consequences of it. Now, there are a lot of other things in that article, but I’m glad you picked up on some really important things. This is useful for you. This is useful for the other people that you counsel.

“We would love to spare our brothers and sisters the pain of disobeying the Lord and reaping the consequences.”

I would recommend that you tuck that article away—either a physical copy in your folder or take the electronic copy you have and put it someplace on your computer where you can access it later—because that will be a useful resource to you, and sharing it with other people or consulting it yourself.

Upcoming Homework Assignment

Let me introduce you now to the homework for this upcoming week. For Lesson Four, I have you doing some more reading. It’s a little bit more reading than what I’ve assigned you thus far. I want you to read a few excerpts from this book: Jim Newheiser’s “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage.” Like usual, read it and then write down five observations or questions that you can share with the class.

The excerpts I’m having you read, I’ve given you the page numbers. If you’re part of the class list, you’ve already received a scanned copy of these pages. You’re going to read four little chapters that deal with the questions of: what is and what is not permitted when it comes to divorce according to the Bible? What are permitted reasons for divorce?

Jim Newheiser—I don’t know if you’ve ever heard his name—is kind of a bigger name in the counseling world. He’s an experienced counselor and counseling professor. He’s the director of counseling at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte. He’s also a member of the board of ACBC, which is the counseling organization that I’m part of.

I think you’re going to appreciate his insights by reading those chapters. We want to talk about them a little bit at the beginning next week.

Any questions about the homework?

Even though it’s more pages, the pages have bigger margins and bigger writing. So it actually isn’t going to be so much more than what you’ve already done. Let’s talk about it, and thank you for doing the homework, by the way. That’s very encouraging to me.

“You’re going to appreciate his insights by reading those chapters.”

The World’s Design for Marriage

Let’s talk about today’s topic, which is God’s design for marriage. We’re going to approach this in a straightforward manner. Here’s our agenda: we’ll talk briefly about the world’s design for marriage, and then we’ll talk about God’s design specifically. What is marriage according to God? And why marriage according to God? What did he make it for?

Let’s start by talking about the world’s design for marriage. Brainstorm with me: from where do people of the world say marriage comes? What’s its origin?

Okay, biological evolution, which corresponds with social evolution. We’ll say more about that in a moment. Probably other thoughts?

Donna, okay, so the institution of marriage is a separate question. Where does that come from? But in terms of people being drawn into marriage, it’s about emotion. Okay, other thoughts?

Yeah, social construct. This is becoming more and more prominent of an idea in Western culture. The idea is: marriage is something that man came up with. It was a convenient thing according to the times and situations that people faced. Basically, it evolved over time.

In hunter-gathering societies, it was like this because that was what was convenient. But then when you got to agrarian societies, people needed to settle down more. The man needed to be sure that what he passed on to his inheritance was actually for his own kids. So he needed to make sure, “I have one wife and I know that she is not going to be with anybody else.”

But times have changed. Now marriage can be redefined. I think some people would even argue that marriage can be whatever you want it to be, or at least whatever your society will allow you to make it. It’s just an agreement between two people to live life together as long as certain needs are met.

It’s a unit of social organization that evolves over time. Or it’s the happily ever after arrangement that you upgrade to after you’ve lived together for a while.

I kind of moved on to the second question: where does it come from and what is it? We’ve talked about those both together. But what’s it for according to the world? What is marriage for?

Self, yeah, self-fulfillment, personal happiness. What else, Tony?

Yeah, it’s for children. It’s basically for populating the earth, producing children, producing heirs. If you have wealth to pass on, any other reasons?

Mike, okay, yeah, it’s a convenient economic arrangement. It’s the most efficient way to use your wealth and to secure your retirement because you produced children and they’re going to support you in old age. This is basically just an economic benefit. What else?

Yeah, I think we’ve mentioned some pretty common ones. It’s the ultimate high of life. It’s the great and fulfilling dream. It’s for the meeting of your deepest emotional, romantic, and sexual needs. It’s for exercising control, especially over women. And I think we mentioned the other ones.

Now, some of these answers that we hear could make sense if we accept the starting premise that marriage is an institution ultimately made by people for people. But is that a correct assumption?

No. If we come to know God in the Bible, we know that’s not a correct assumption. Which means what about all these answers that are given about what marriage is and what it’s for? They are wrong, or they are incomplete. They are misguided.

So who’s the one who made marriage? It’s God. Marriage was God’s idea. He created the institution. If you really want to understand what marriage is and what it’s for, you have to go back to God and his design for marriage, which is given to us in the Bible and even in the beginning of the Bible, most specifically in Genesis 2.

“Marriage was God’s idea. If you want to understand what marriage is and what it’s for, you have to go back to God.”

That’s where we’re going to spend the rest of our time investigating. We’re looking at God’s design for marriage, especially those two questions: what is marriage and what is it for?

God’s Design: Defining Marriage

What is marriage according to God’s Bible? Well, I looked at some different definitions from theologians, obviously based on the Bible. I’ll give you a couple of these and then I’ll give you my working definition.

From “Biblical Doctrine,” which is that book of systematic theology written by the Master Seminary staff, edited by MacArthur and Mayhew, it defines marriage in this way: “Marriage has only one definition, and it is sanctioned by God: the union of one man and one woman. The marriage is a public, formal, and officially recognized covenant between a man and a woman.”

Jim Newheiser, earlier in his book, which I’ve assigned you for your homework, “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage,” he defines marriage in this way: “Marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community.”

You may hear certain common elements between those two definitions. I’m going to mostly use Jim Newheiser’s definition and slightly expand it with terms of explanation to be helpful in our class today. I’m saying: marriage is a lifelong covenant of full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community.

“Marriage is a lifelong covenant of full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship between a man and a woman established under God and before the community.”

Now, I’m going to support this definition from that foundational text of Genesis 2, as well as certain other important scriptures that have to do with marriage.

Why use Genesis 2? Well, if you haven’t turned there already, please do. If you’re using the Pew Bible, it’s on page two. What is Genesis 2 all about? It is about creation, but specifically the creation of what? Man, woman, and marriage. The first marriage.

Notice how the chapter ends. The second to last verse in Genesis 2: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” In other words, how God joined the first husband and wife sets the pattern for all proper human marriages, and both how and why a husband and wife come together in marriage.

We’re going to use this passage primarily as we walk through this definition that I provided about what marriage is.

Marriage Is a Lifelong Covenant

Marriage is first a lifelong covenant. Notice Genesis 2:24 says that man shall be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And that word “joined” is very strong. The idea in Hebrew is “attached.” This is going to be a very strong joining.

Now, what does this phrasing have to do with what’s occurred earlier in Genesis 2? Why would the idea of strong joining make sense based on what we’ve already read up to this point?

Donna?

Right, okay. We’ll come back to the idea of not being alone. Nothing else was suitable except what? Woman. Comes from where? Man. And when he says to her, “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,” is that true literally? It is true. She was taken from his body. That is his own bone and flesh. He recognizes this.

So then, in terms of adjoining, what would be more natural for Adam, the man, to be joined to than his own bone and flesh? It’s him, after all. It’s just like reuniting with what is him. But if that’s the case, would it make sense for Adam to then separate himself from his own flesh? “This is me. I’m joined to—” actually, just kidding. I want to be separate. No. That’s Adam. He couldn’t cut apart his own body like that without doing deadly violence to himself.

Thus, when God formed the woman from Adam and brought Adam and his wife together, this was a divinely wrought permanent arrangement. Adam was not meant to remove himself or join with anyone else but his own flesh. And this set the pattern for all human marriages since.

When you agree to join together with someone else by marriage, that person becomes the closest kin you could possibly have. It wasn’t literally true before you got married, but essentially it becomes true as soon as you get married. That person is now your own bone and flesh. You once were two, but now you are joined. You are made one flesh. This is a permanent arrangement. This is for life.

Thus, we could even say that marriage is a covenant commitment. It is a sacred promise, a permanent alliance in which you are saying essentially to the other person—like people did in Old Testament times when they passed through animals, cut apart animals, when they were making a covenant in a covenant ceremony—you are saying to that person: “If I break this covenant with you, let me be like these dead animals that have been cut to pieces. There’s no going back unless I die.”

“That person is now your own bone and flesh. You once were two, but now you are joined — one flesh. This is a permanent arrangement.”

Divorce: God’s Perspective

Is marriage serious? You bet it’s serious. Marriage is a lifelong covenant. This means, as you can understand, that divorce is not really an option for married people. Divorce is no easy escape.

Jesus says in Matthew 19:6, commenting on Genesis 2:24 and answering a question about divorce: “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Jesus says God himself joins people together as one flesh in marriage. Thus, no one—either inside the marriage or outside the marriage—is to try to drive those two who have now become one flesh apart or bring about divorce.

One of the indictments against the alluring adulteress in Proverbs 2:17 is that she leaves the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God. Marriage is a covenant overseen by God and enforced by God. God also condemns the Jews for violating this one-flesh covenant of marriage by divorcing their likely aging wives to marry more youthful, more productive, more attractive pagan women.

We see this in Malachi 2:14, a famous passage about divorce. Post-exilic Jews are asking why God doesn’t regard their prayers and worship. Malachi replies on behalf of God in Malachi 2:14-16: “Because Yahweh has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

But not one has done so who has a remnant of the spirit. And what did that one do? While he was seeking a Godly offspring, take heed then to your spirit and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.

For I hate divorce, says Yahweh, the God of Israel, and him who covers his garment with wrong, says Yahweh of hosts. So take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously.”

Marriage is a lifelong covenant. If you seek to escape from that covenant, you are dealing treacherously.

Malachi 2:16: “For I hate divorce, says Yahweh, the God of Israel. — Malachi 2:16”

Do you see how wrong the world is in teaching that if marriage doesn’t work out the way that you like, just get a divorce? You can always get a divorce. Not according to God’s design. He’s the one who came up with marriage. In fact, when Jesus’ disciples grasped Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce, what they said in Matthew 19:10: “If the relationship of a man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”

Jesus, you’re saying a person has no way out if they end up with a bad wife or a bad husband? Better not to marry. Jesus does not dispute that statement, because marriage is a lifelong covenant. There is a certain wisdom in avoiding that commitment. You don’t know what’s going to happen ultimately in your marriage. There’s a certain wisdom in avoiding that.

Only God may end a marriage covenant, and he does so by death, freeing the bereaved person to remarry.

Now, you may ask: if all this is true, why did God permit the Israelites to get divorces in the Old Testament? Good question. Does anyone know the answer?

Hardness of heart. Jesus himself provides that answer in Matthew 19:8. Jesus said: “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been this way.”

God did not approve of the way that the Israelites practiced divorce, as we’ve just seen. But he knew Israelites would sinfully still get divorces. He introduced laws in the Torah to discourage divorce and to protect the rights of divorced persons, especially the women who were being discarded.

This was not God’s desire, but he tolerated it due to hardness of heart in his people.

Permitted Exceptions for Divorce

Now, you might ask: what about Christians? Are Christians permitted to get divorced or remarried today at all? You’re going to learn a much fuller answer in your homework reading this week. But the short answer right now is—and there’s a lot more to say, I’m just giving you the short answer—there are only two cases which a Christian may divorce and remarry without sinning against God. Only two.

The first case is unrepentant immorality in one spouse. Jesus says this himself in Matthew 19:9: “I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for immorality and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Jesus also says something similar in Matthew 5:32. If your spouse commits adultery and has shown that he or she is not willing to repent, you are permitted—but not commanded—to end the marriage covenant by divorce. That is one exception.

The second case is abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. This is spelled out specifically in 1 Corinthians 7:15. Paul writes: “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave. The brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called you to peace.”

Now, the idea of “leaving” there is not that he physically left, but that he wants a divorce. He’s initiated a divorce. So if you are married to an unbelieving spouse and he wants a divorce or she wants a divorce, God not only permits this but actually commands this—commands that you accept the divorce for the sake of peace. “Let him leave,” Paul says. That’s a command. “Let him leave, for God has called you to peace.”

You’ll read much more about this in the homework. But don’t focus on the exception and forget the rule. Marriage is first a lifelong covenant. God’s design is that nothing shall separate you save death.

“Don’t focus on the exception and forget the rule. Marriage is first a lifelong covenant. God’s design is that nothing shall separate you save death.”

Marriage Is Full, Prioritized, and Exclusive Companionship

What else is marriage? Marriage is a full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship. You see, at its core, marriage is a companionship relationship. For such was the impetus for the creation of woman and the creation of marriage, as we see in Genesis 2:18.

I think Stephanie made reference to this already. But Genesis 2:18, God says: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” And so God provided a special companionship relationship. Yet the companionship relationship of marriage is different than any other companionship you might have in this world. It is a fuller companionship than any other human relationship.

For Genesis 2:24 again says: “They shall become one flesh.” Only in a marriage relationship does a person hold back absolutely nothing from his companion, not even his own body, for his companion’s benefit and joy. This is a fully intimate relationship.

Yet the sexual aspect of the relationship is emblematic of what is to be true of the relationship as a whole. They not only become one in the marriage bed, but they become one in all of life. All obligations, problems, hopes, dreams, and desires become shared. All benefits and harms are shared. All joy, happiness, and sorrow is shared in a meaningful way.

They become such close companions by God’s joining that you cannot really see where the concerns of one end and the concerns of the other begin. They are one. You may have other close relationships in this world, and they may be very wonderful. But no relationship is designed to be as intimate as the husband-wife relationship in marriage. It’s full companionship.

Consequently, marriage is prioritized companionship. For Genesis 2:24 again says: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife.” Before being married, a man or a woman prioritizes the old family, even the parents, yes, to a certain degree him or herself, but the old family and the parents.

But the new full companionship of marriage demands a shift in priorities. It’s a true leaving behind of old devotions for the new devotion to one’s spouse, your own flesh. This doesn’t mean a severing of a relationship with parents or even necessarily moving out of their house. But it does mean that the new couple has fundamental independence from old obligations, old supports, and old priorities for the sake of the new priority, the new family unit that consists now of that other person in marriage.

Furthermore, the companionship in marriage is to be an exclusive companionship. Marriage is the only relationship designed by God for this kind of intimate life oneness. The world has decided that the best way to get around the problematic lifelong covenant part of marriage is to just not get married at all and live together. You can enjoy the sexual relationship. You can even have intimate soul companionship without all that serious covenant commitment marriage stuff. But that will not do in God’s universe.

Marriage is the only authorized relationship for this kind of intimacy. So those who attempt to enjoy this intimacy, including the sexual fulfillment aspect of it, outside of the marriage covenant, outside of the spouse that God has provided, or in addition to what God has provided in the marriage and in the spouse, any kind of sexual fulfillment or full intimacy outside of that relationship is a violation of God’s design, and it invites his wrath.

As God says specifically in Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled. For fornicators—literally the sexually immoral—and adulterers, God will judge.”

So you see that marriage is full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship.

Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled. — Hebrews 13:4”

Marriage Is Between a Man and a Woman

Marriage is between a man and a woman. The pattern of Adam and Eve’s marriage and the summary statement in Genesis 2:24 make clear that God designed marriage only for a male and a female. Not two males. Not two females.

Indeed, Genesis 2 gives the foundation for why the rest of the Bible condemns homosexual behavior, desire, and those who indulge in it as a lifestyle. Homosexuality does not fit the pattern established by God in Adam and Eve: “A man shall be joined to his wife.” Genesis 2:24.

Additionally, notice the number of the nouns in Genesis 2:24: “A man”—singular—”shall be joined to his wife”—singular—”and they shall become one flesh”—singular. More pointedly, when Jesus quotes this passage in the New Testament, notice how he says it. I’ll give you Mark’s version of it.

Mark 10:8, Jesus says: “And the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh.”

One plus one equals two, doesn’t it? And this fits the pattern of Adam and Eve. What does this mean? We can conclude on the basis of Genesis 2:24 that polygamy goes against God’s design for marriage and is sin. Polygamy is sin.

Really? If God approved of polygamy, the beginning of the earth was the best time for it. How much faster could the world have been populated if Adam had been given multiple wives? But this was not God’s design then, and it is not God’s design now.

Marriage is to be between one man and one woman and no one else. Understandably, one of the requirements of elders and deacons in the New Testament is that they be husbands of only one wife. That is, they are one-women men in accordance with God’s original design.

Genesis 2:24: “A man shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. — Genesis 2:24 / Mark 10:8”

Polygamy and God’s Design

But I know the question that will be on your minds now: if God really did disapprove of polygamy, then why do we see it in so many places in the Old Testament, especially by men who are otherwise known to be godly? Very good question. What is the answer?

Mark?

We are going to make that case. So Mark points out: it’s never endorsed. The Bible does mention that it happened, but you also see a lot of trouble come from it.

Janie, you were going to say something?

Yeah, so Jody points out that from a human perspective, there were certain benefits that would accrue to a family or even to a woman if she was part of a polygamous relationship. Better to be in a polygamous relationship than no marriage at all. But from a more fully formed perspective, from God’s perspective, God has never approved of polygamy.

We have to think about this like we think about divorce in the Old Testament period. God tolerated it simply due to hardness of heart. This was never his design. He never looked on polygamy with approval. And really, as Mark began to point out, the Old Testament shows polygamy brings nothing but trouble.

It’s not as if the Old Testament writers said, “God doesn’t like it, but this is a pretty good thing.” No. Almost every time polygamy is mentioned specifically in terms of an actual character in a polygamist relationship, you see the problems that result.

For example, Abraham married to Sarah and Hagar. What was the problem that resulted? Strife between the wives and strife between their children. Same thing for Jacob. Four wives. Multiplied strife. Multiplied strife between his children too. Don’t forget that Joseph is nearly killed by his brothers, basically as an indirect result of polygamy.

And then we have David. King David, godly David, married to many wives, resulted in competition between his sons for the throne, which was most seriously seen in Absalom’s rebellion. His own son tried to kill his father. Why? Indirectly because of polygamy.

And then Solomon. He was married to many wives. How did that turn out? They turned his heart away from Yahweh. There’s a reason that in the Torah it says, “When you get a king later, he cannot multiply wives.” But David and Solomon did it. That was sin. They shouldn’t have entered into those relationships. But once they had entered into them, they had to maintain them because God had now joined them together with those women.

The problems of polygamy only make sense because God’s design for marriage is to be, as we’ve already seen, full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship. And that design is short-circuited when you have more than two people in a marriage. You can’t give full companionship to someone when you’re dividing that companionship with someone else. And you can’t enjoy it.

I think people, men in particular, are many times seduced by Satan’s lie that the more sexual or romantic partners you have, the more satisfied you will be. But the Bible, according to God’s good design, and even modern surveys testify that the most satisfying number of sexual partners is one. People consistently report that people who are most satisfied in their sexual relationship only have one partner. And that’s what the Bible testifies to. God’s design is always the best one. Don’t fall for Satan’s lie.

“The most satisfying number of sexual partners is one. God’s design is always the best one.”

God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman till death parts them.

Marriage Is Established Under God

Marriage is fourth—oh, yeah, sorry—marriage is forth established under God. This truth is implied in Genesis 2:24 based on what comes before it. Who was it that created and brought the woman to the man in order to create the first marriage? It was God. So this was all overseen and accomplished by God.

Moreover, Genesis 2:24 notice says that the man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife. Now, if English grammar, that is a passive voice construction which does not clarify who is the one doing the joining. But as is often the case in scripture, when you have this passive that doesn’t have an identified actor, who is it? It’s God. God is the one who’s doing the joining. A man is joined to his wife by God.

That’s why Jesus appropriately comments in Matthew 19:6: “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Even if two people get married as unbelievers, or even if two people get married and they do not acknowledge God in their ceremony at all, their joining is accomplished by and witnessed by God himself. Therefore, God will take note as to whether every husband and every wife fulfill his or her part of the marriage covenant. And he will be ready to judge all those who abuse and violate that marriage covenant.

All of this is taking place under God.

“God will take note as to whether every husband and every wife fulfills his or her part of the marriage covenant.”

Marriage is established under God.

Marriage Is Before the Community

Fifth and finally, marriage is before the community. Here’s a provocative question for you: biblically speaking, which of the following is required for a marriage to be considered real or valid in God’s eyes?

A: wedding rings. B: a marriage license. C: a wedding ceremony in a church with a pastor presiding. D: vows before witnesses. E: all of the above. F: none of the above.

Give you a minute to think about it.

The answer is only D: vows before witnesses. There must be some level of public proclamation from you and your spouse that you are entering into a marriage covenant together. Now, whether it’s elaborate vows or just a simple declaration, that doesn’t matter. But there must be some kind of public witness.

All those other things are not biblically required. Now, I believe it is prudent for you and for the gospel’s sake to get the other items on your list. Your wife will probably not be satisfied unless you get her a wedding ring. It’s prudent for you to get a marriage license. And it’s a great testimony to your church and to your family when you get married in church with a pastor presiding. But I can’t say that these are biblically required.

Why not? Because otherwise, most marriages in the Bible, maybe all marriages in the Bible, would be invalid because you don’t see people in the Bible doing these things. They’re not getting wedding rings. They’re not seeking out government approval. They’re not having ceremonies in a church. I mean, the church wasn’t invented for a long time. And yet their marriages were considered valid.

But these marriages are not kept secret, not kept completely secret. Do you remember when Abraham and Isaac tried to keep their marriages a secret? Remember what happened? Or what nearly happened?

Yes, Stephanie?

Yeah, and God prevented it from becoming much worse than it could have happened. But in not acknowledging that they were married and that they were married to a particular person, someone else nearly married them and inadvertently was about to commit adultery. And they’re both reproved. And they say, “Why would you do this to us? Why didn’t you tell us that you were married?” And he was like, “Oh, I was afraid that you’d kill me because my wife is so beautiful. I’m sorry.”

You nearly gave up your wife to adultery. We cannot keep our marriage a secret like that. In publicly announcing your marriage, you not only make clear that you and your spouse are off the market, but you also allow the public, especially your close friends and family, your community, to hold you accountable to the covenant commitments of your marriage.

That’s why we have witnesses. That’s why we get married in front of people, not just so we can be like, “Hey, look, we’re married. Can’t marry either of us now.” So everybody who’s there can be like, “All right, well, we’re going to expect you to uphold the covenant that God has given in marriage.”

“In publicly announcing your marriage, you allow your community to hold you accountable to your covenant commitments.”

So putting it all together, I believe we can say that according to God’s Bible, marriage is a lifelong covenant of full, prioritized, and exclusive companionship between a man and a woman that is established under God and before the community. Very different from the world’s definition.

Why Marriage? God’s Seven Purposes

Well, we’ve seen what marriage is. For what is marriage? Why marriage according to God and his Bible? Let me answer that for you with seven points. We’ll go through these more briefly since we have less time.

Purpose 1: Companionship

Why marriage? Number one, and this shouldn’t surprise you: for companionship. For the complementary companionship, help, and happiness that marriage brings.

He must understand that the purpose stated in the beginning for why marriage is created is companionship. Sometimes you hear people say, “Oh, marriage is for procreation.” That wasn’t the primary purpose given in the beginning.

In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

From the beginning of creation, God saw that man would need a companion whose intimate love and help would be reminiscent of the relationship of the members of the godhead to one another. So God created the first woman, the first wife, and the first marriage.

Just as God did everything else good in his creation, God did good by providing this companionship of marriage where a husband has one wife who is like him but different. She is meant to complement him. She is a helper suitable to him because he needs help in many ways.

This was God’s original purpose. Marriage is thus for mutual help and happiness by complementary companionship.

“Marriage is for mutual help and happiness by complementary companionship.”

Purpose 2: Co-Stewardship of the Earth

Number two, consequently, marriage is for the most excellent, prosperous, and blessed co-stewardship of the earth. Remember, God said that he made Adam’s wife to be a helper to him. What was the main task with which Adam was going to need help?

Well, God actually gave the main task to both man and woman in Genesis 1:26-27. What is that task? Well, later in—is it Genesis 3 or Genesis 2?—I think it talks about God gave for Adam to care for the garden. So that would be true in a more local sense.

But in Genesis 1, the main task is: rule.

Oh, sorry. Jackson would have gotten your hand to rule. Remember, Genesis 1:26-27: “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’”

And then he’s like, “We need to have someone in our image to rule.” And then in verse 27: “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them to rule this earth.”

Adam couldn’t leave Eve off to one side while he took care of man’s work. No. The business of rule required both male and female participation, even the wisdom and giftings of both husband and wife.

And what, is this still true though?

Yes. God has given the leadership role of families and churches to men. Men need the participation of women. Men especially need the participation of their wives to lead families, to lead churches well and ultimately to steward this whole planet well before God.

There’s no room for, “Okay, the men are going to take care of all the important stuff. Women, you go off to the side.” No. This is a co-stewardship. This is co-rule. Yes, man is the head. But we need women. We need wives to do this work well.

“This is a co-stewardship, a co-rule. Yes, man is the head — but we need women, we need wives, to do this work well.”

Purpose 3: Multiplication of Image-Bearers

Now, another part of the original mandate to Adam and Eve is another purpose of marriage, which is number three: for the happy multiplication of image-bearing under-rulers on the earth. Genesis 1:28.

So the very next verse of what we just looked at says about our first parents: “God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’”

Really, this is just an outgrowth of that first command. How are you going to rule the earth? Well, you’re going to need more rulers with you, more image-bearers. And you’re going to make them yourselves.

This first part of the verse indicates God’s intention that the first couple would be fruitful and multiply—that is, have children, bear and raise up more people made in the image of God—so that they may assist in the work I’ve given you to rule the earth on God’s behalf.

Now, notice verse 28 is a command. But you need to recognize what kind of command Genesis 1:28 is. It’s reminiscent of another command, just for example, the same kind of command as “have a happy birthday.” You ever say that to somebody? “Have a happy birthday.” Do you realize you’re giving them a command?

But what kind of command is it? Does this have a happy birthday or else? No. This is a blessing. It’s an expressed blessing. It’s well-wishing. “I want you to have a happy birthday. Please have a happy birthday.”

Yes, technically it’s a command. But really, it’s a blessing. And it’s the same thing with this one here. It’s true and God’s revealed will. He wants the earth to be filled with his image-bearers. Adam and Eve were going to be the first couple who would help accomplish that.

But understand: this command in Genesis 1:28 is a word of blessing. And that’s exactly as the Hebrews would understand it. God expects that Adam and Eve were going to want to have children. And God is telling them, “That’s what I want for you. Please have at it. May you be so blessed that the earth is filled with your descendants.”

This should be a happy command to fulfill. Why am I emphasizing this? Because I want you to see that this purpose of God in producing children is not meant to be a burden. This is not “have kids or else.” It’s meant to be a blessing. It’s for the happiness of the parents on earth.

There’s one thing the Bible is consistent about when it talks about children: children are a blessing. Though our culture does not believe that.

“The Bible is consistent when it talks about children: children are a blessing.”

Purpose 4: Sexual Intimacy and Protection

Why else? Marriage number four: for the enjoyment and protection of exclusive sexual intimacy. For some parts of Christian history, Christian teachers have not been sure what to think about the sexual aspect of the marriage relationship. Some famous teachers, especially in the medieval period, concluded that sexual pleasures were sinful, or if not sinful, they were at least dangerous. “Don’t have too much of it. Definitely don’t seek it out. It’s dangerous.” Some even taught that sexual desire was a result of the fall.

These things are not true. God made sex part of marriage before the fall. And God made marriage very good. So that means the sexual aspect of marriage is very good. It’s holy. It’s honorable. There’s absolutely nothing evil about sexual pleasure in marriage.

Rather, the enjoyment of sexual intimacy is part of God’s purpose for marriage for man’s good and God’s glory.

Proverbs 5:15-20, Song of Solomon, Hebrews 13:4—for they all commend the sexual aspect of marriage as honorable and good. It is to be enjoyed.

Furthermore, with sin now in the world, the pleasurable sexual intimacy of marriage is intended to help protect married persons from the temptation to search outside of marriage for fulfillment. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2: “Now concerning the things about which he wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. It’s good not to get married. I commend that. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife and each woman is to have her own husband.”

This is a safeguard. Paul says something similar in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9.

“God made sex part of marriage before the fall. The enjoyment of sexual intimacy is part of God’s purpose for marriage for man’s good and God’s glory.”

Purpose 5: Sanctification

Moving on, a fifth purpose of marriage is for the sanctification of husband and wife. This is definitely a post-fall purpose. Now that sin has entered into the world, all people and all relationships, including the husband and wife relationship, are affected by the curse of sin.

Thus, a relationship that should only have been one of enjoyment, help, and blessing frequently becomes one that experiences hurt, misunderstanding, and sorrow, often magnified due to the intimacy of their relationship.

Probably nobody can hurt you as much as your spouse can because you’re such intimate companions. Add to this the trials and futilities that now exist in a broken world, especially in the raising of children, and you have a recipe for an unhappy marriage.

But for the Christian, God uses even these regrettable realities for good. Romans 8:28 especially shows how God utilizes them to make those in marriage more like Christ and therefore better husbands and wives.

James says in James 1:2-4. This isn’t specifically about marriage, but it applies to marriage. James 1:2-4: “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Truly, all the one and other commands of the Bible find their first application in marriage. But also, all the promises about the inevitability of trials and the goodness of what those trials produce in a faithful believer also find first application in marriage.

Your wife, your husband, will be a great source of trial for you. But it will be, if you will let it, for your good.

Martin Luther called marriage “the school of character,” and it can be that for each one of us who are married: a school in Christ-likeness, one that ultimately leads to blessing.

“Martin Luther called marriage ‘the school of character’ — a school in Christ-likeness that ultimately leads to blessing.”

Purpose 6: Witness to the World

This is tied with the next purpose for marriage, number six: marriage is for a witness to the world and the power and love of Christ. If you think married Christians struggle with the trials of marriage, imagine the people of the world who do not have the spirit of God. They are constantly reaping what they sow by sin. Yet they cannot understand why their marriages and why other relationships yield such unpleasant and poisonous fruit.

No wonder marriage has a bad rap among many in the world because they will not do it God’s way, and they can’t figure out why marriage is so unpleasant.

Thus, we Christians have an opportunity and a calling to shine as lights in a dark world by how righteously we behave in our marriages. Not only thereby shining the light of a happy marriage before the world—one that is committed and conforming to God’s design—John 13:35: “By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another. Look at the love that these Christians have for one another. They’ve got something that we don’t.”

Blessed, happy marriage is going to be a witness to the world. But even more powerful, a more powerful witness to the world, is a spouse in an unhappy marriage, in a difficult marriage, maybe to an unbeliever or just a disobedient believer, and that spouse still walks righteously with God, upheld by God, and the strength and joy that only he can provide, and committed to holiness and serving that spouse even if the spouse does not reciprocate. That is a huge witness to the world. And it fits with the general exhortation of 1 Peter 2:12.

1 Peter 2:12, speaking to Christians: “Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles so that in the thing which they slander you as evildoers, they may, because of your good deeds as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation.”

When you love those who love you, well, the world can understand that. “Your husband’s so good. You love him. I get that.” But when you love those who don’t love you, the world doesn’t know what to do with that. “Your husband is so neglectful of you. Why do you love him? Your wife is so disrespectful of you. Why do you care for her? Why do you treasure her? Why are you prioritizing her in your life?”

Say, “Because of Christ.” Now you’re being a real witness to the world, a powerful witness.

“When you love those who don’t love you, the world doesn’t know what to do with that. That is being a real witness.”

Remember, your marriage is not ultimately a private affair. You must be aware of how your marriage serves as a source of witness both to the world but also to the church. Your marriage can be a great source of encouragement or discouragement to other people in the church because they’ll see whether you really love Christ and are willing to follow his way.

It can also be a source of great testimony or blasphemy to the people of the world. When you will not follow God’s way yet claim to be a Christian, you blaspheme Christ with your marriage because marriage is ultimately tied to one final purpose.

Purpose 7: A Picture of Christ and the Church

For a further revelation of God and his relationship with his people, in Ephesians 5:31-32, Paul reveals something about Genesis 2:24 that was not known in the Old Testament, not clearly known, not clearly appreciated. But in the New Covenant, Paul is able to say: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. The mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”

This mystery to which Paul refers is that marriage was always intended to picture God the Son’s own relationship to his people in the church. This unveiled mystery not only shows how husbands and wives therefore should act with one another—which is what we’re going to talk about the next two weeks—but it also gives insight into God himself and his relationship with his people.

We see in marriage, because it is a picture of Christ in the church, the reprehensibility of idolatry because it’s spiritual adultery. We see the overflowing real love that Jesus has for his church. And we see the delightful expectation believers are to have in the consummation that is coming for those who are spiritually married to Christ in the last day.

Marriage is just a picture of that, a pointer of that. After all, remember, Jesus declared that there is no marriage, no sex, no procreation for those who are going to experience the coming resurrection. When that comes, those things will pass away.

Why? Weren’t these things good in God’s original design? Yes. But they were ultimately just pictures. And when the fullness of what those things pictured comes, there’s no need for the pictures anymore. If the picture was good, how much better will the fullness be?

So if that’s ultimately what marriage is about, that’s why you cannot afford to blaspheme God with your marriage. It’s about his glory. It’s about testifying of the relationship of God with his people. You can’t give false testimony there. If you do, God will take note.

“Marriage is a picture, a pointer. You cannot afford to blaspheme God with your marriage. It’s about his glory.”

Considering all these purposes, I think we can see why God is zealous for marriage according to his design.

Application and Closing

A few application questions: ask yourself based on what you’ve heard. Do you see marriage the way that God sees it? Are the purposes that you have for your marriage the same as God’s purposes for your marriage?

Would you think like the world—that marriage is about my happiness? No. God says marriage is about ultimately my glory and your sanctification, even though yes, happiness will be involved in it.

If your purposes for your marriage are not the same as God’s purposes, how do you need to change your own perspective, change your habits, change your priorities to better align with God’s purposes for marriage?

“Are the purposes you have for your marriage the same as God’s purposes for your marriage?”

That’s all the time we have for this week. Because Benjamin is sick today, I won’t be going home right afterwards. If you have questions, come up and share with me after class, or you can always send me an email.

Next week, as I said, we’ll start to speak more in depth about God’s ordained roles for husband and wife in marriage. We’re going to start with the husbands.

Don’t forget your homework assignment: read those excerpted passages from “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage” and write those observations and questions.

Let’s close in prayer.

Lord, marriage is a good gift. Thank you for marriage. Thank you for the marriages of this church. Yet it is a gift to be stewarded appropriately, Lord, to be used according to your original design and for your original purposes. Forgive us, God, for where we get away from that and we start thinking according to our own wisdom or the wisdom of the world rather than the wisdom of your word.

I thank you for how you have blessed so many of our marriages. But where there are still trials, where there are difficult marriages yet in our church, Lord, I pray that you would indeed sanctify the persons in those marriages and that they would be committed to your way even when the other person is not responding as you’ve designed, because that is such a testimony of your love and your power in that person’s life.

Lord, we cannot do marriage without your help. But you’ve promised to give it. So we will walk by faith before you in our marriages in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thank you, everyone.

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