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Calvary Community Church

Sunday School

Lesson 3: Practical Guidance for Marriage and Family Counseling

Speaker
David Capoccia

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In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia provides practical guidance for going about marriage and family counseling. More specifically, Pastor Dave explains what church ministry to families ought to look like generally, what common problems and challenges exist in the lifecycle of a family, and then what specific practical considerations Christians should keep in mind when providing marriage and family counseling.

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Note: This transcript and summary was autogenerated. It has not yet been proofread or edited by a human.

Summary

We are equipped with practical, biblical tools for counseling marriages and families in the church. This lesson (lesson three in a series on Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood) walks through how the church should holistically minister to families, what pressures families face across seven life stages, and how to apply an eight-step counseling method to couples and families with wisdom and specificity.

Key Lessons:

  1. The vast majority of marriage problems among Christians stem from holding too tightly to a perceived right or need — not desiring something evil, but desiring something good too much, so that it becomes more important than God.
  2. The church must minister to families through seven interconnected avenues: regular teaching, resource guidance, purposeful scheduling, restricted service involvement, leader modeling, spontaneous fellowship, and discipleship/biblical counseling.
  3. Biblical counseling is the last line of defense for families — but no marriage or family is beyond the powerful grace of God, and the more dire the situation, the more glory God receives in his deliverance.
  4. Effective marriage counseling requires specific, measurable goals and homework assignments (such as a conflict journal) rather than vague aims, so that progress can be tracked and counselees are trained to think biblically about their own hearts.

Application: We are called to invest intentionally in the marriages and families around us — not only in formal counseling settings but through spontaneous fellowship, modeling, and encouragement — and to approach counseling with a clear plan, biblical goals, and confidence in God’s word and Spirit to bring change.

Discussion Questions:

  1. In what ways might you be holding a legitimate, biblically good desire too tightly, so that it has become an idol affecting your relationships?
  2. Of the seven ways the church ministers to families, which do you think is most neglected in Christian communities today, and what could you personally do to strengthen it?
  3. If you were counseling a couple where one spouse is unwilling to participate, what biblical steps would you take, and how would you maintain hope throughout the process?

Scripture Focus: James 5:19–20 — turning a straying sinner back saves a soul from death and covers a multitude of sins, underscoring the urgency and value of biblical counseling. 1 Corinthians 7 — married persons have a duty first to their families, informing how the church should manage service expectations. 1 Corinthians 10:13 — no struggle a family faces is unique; common problems call for common biblical solutions.

Outline

Introduction

Welcome to Sunday school. Allow me to open with a word of prayer.

Heavenly Father, thank you as we come back to this very edifying topic of biblical counseling towards marriage and family. Pray you help me to explain it and that this would be illuminating, encouraging, equipping, convicting as each one of us needs in Jesus’ name. Amen.

This is now lesson three in our new series, Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood. Today’s lesson is practical guidance for marriage and family counseling.

Before we get into that, let’s go over last week’s homework. If you signed up to be part of this class, then you should have received the homework assignment. If you didn’t and you still want to be added to the class list, let me know.

Homework Review: Idolatry and Felt Needs

But last week’s assignment was to complete this two-page activity, the inventory of personal felt needs and rights from appendix A and Robert Jones’ book “Uprooting Anger.” If you completed the homework, tell me a little about your experience.

Was there anything that you noticed or anything you had questions about?

Yeah, Mark, I think it was a little difficult.

Okay. Right. Yeah. And I imagine that was the experience for many of you. You might say, “I don’t think any of these are true of me right now, or I’m not sure any of them are, but I know they were in the past.”

Now hopefully if you’ve been taking in what I’ve been telling you in the first two lessons of this course, hopefully you’re already moving away from those things being true of you now. You realize that you don’t have any right that you can hold on to, any need that you must have fulfilled in Christ. But you can get that way, and I’m sure all of us have been that way either for short periods or longer periods of our lives.

One thing I hope you did notice is that everything on that list is either biblically permitted or actually biblically commanded.

God commands that people should treat you fairly, treat you with respect, treat you with love. So what’s the problem with regarding that as a right, a need, an intense desire?

Well, it is, as I explained in the first two lessons, it’s about idolatry. We know that our hearts are getting towards that because question three in that activity was: How do you treat the people who deny you what you feel is a right or a need?

How do you tend to treat those people?

Exactly. And that’s usually it. You either avoid that person or even try to punish that person by withdrawing from the relationship, giving the silent treatment, or you manifest anger towards that person.

You quarrel with that person. You try and get back at that person. And that’s because the sense of justice has been stirred up in your heart, which has been distorted by your own idolatrous desire.

You feel like a great wrong has been committed. Something needs to be done about it. Either I’m going to avoid that person or I’m going to directly confront that person. But these are things that the Bible specifically commands us not to do.

Don’t get angry at people. Don’t use unkind words. Don’t fail to minister to other people because you just want to avoid them and punish them with your withdrawal.

“Everything on that list is either biblically permitted or actually biblically commanded.”

Do Christians Have Rights?

That’s because these sinful things are manifestations of an idolatrous heart. It’s not that these items on the list are bad, but that we want them too much. We regard them as a right that must be granted.

Now, let me ask you this. As Christians, do we really have rights or needs outside of knowing Jesus Christ?

Yes and no. On the one hand, yes, Christians are not wrong to confront sin and injustice, to escape situations of imminent danger, or to seek to have wrongs addressed before the church or law. In that sense, yes, we have rights.

But on the other hand, we Christians gave up our rights and our entire lives when we became followers of Jesus so that our hearts should be able to bear witness. Jesus, all I truly need is you and whatever you have ordained for my life.

So if I’m mistreated, that is something that you ordained. I can’t say, God, you failed me or this person has failed me. No, Jesus, I still have everything that I need.

The heart that truly testifies that will manifest it when you’re put into a situation where people are mistreating you. You respond with good and not with evil, and you suffer righteously as you wait for God’s justice and vindication.

“The heart that truly testifies that will manifest it by responding with good and not with evil.”

I submit to you that the vast majority of marriage problems among true Christians is due to the husband and or the wife holding too tightly to a perceived right or need. It’s not because they desire something that’s evil. It’s because they desire something good too much and it becomes more important to them than God and following his way.

“It’s not because they desire something that’s evil. It’s because they desire something good too much.”

I hope that homework assignment was edifying for you. I’ll tell you about next week’s assignment at the end of class today.

Seven Ways the Church Ministers to Families

Let’s get into today’s main topic. We are talking about practical guidance for marriage and family counseling. We saw last week how important the family is to God and therefore how important it is to us, how important it should be to us, and how much it should be a focus of our ministry in the church.

But what exactly should we do to minister to families in the church? That’s what we’re going to talk about today. We are dividing our lesson into three parts.

First, we’ll consider what ministry to families should look like in the church as a whole. Then we’ll briefly consider common problems in the life cycle of a family. And finally, we’ll talk through specific practical considerations for marriage and family counseling using the eight-step method from ACBC.

What should ministry to families look like in the church as a whole?

Certainly, formal biblical counseling is a key part of ministering to families. It’s why we have this course. But it’s not the only part.

Regular Teaching and Resource Guidance

Allow me to summarize seven important ways the church must minister to families. The first is through regular teaching ministries.

Regular teaching ministries should not be a surprise to you. Proper ministry to families in the church starts with regular public teaching from the Bible on God’s will for families. This should happen in verse-by-verse preaching.

Special topical messages should explain God’s will for families. This teaching should happen not just in preaching during the main service, but also in Sunday school classes like this one, Bible study groups, special seminars, conferences, and retreats.

“Proper ministry to families in the church starts with regular public teaching from the Bible on God’s will for families.”

There should be regular, ongoing public teaching as a way to minister to families. Another way the church should minister to families is by providing guidance to good resources.

There are many good Christian books, videos, and websites that help believers in family life. But there are also many not-so-good resources masquerading as good resources that Christians need to avoid.

For example, despite the name, Focus on the Family is not a good Christian resource since their teaching has become increasingly informed by psychology rather than the Bible.

Purposeful Scheduling and Restricted Service

The church therefore needs to give its people guidance in seeking out additional resources which we try to do in a primary way with our booknook and the lending library and also by specific recommendations that we give in the public teaching like Sunday school or the pulpit preaching. A third way the church must minister to families is through purposeful ministry and activity planning.

Just as important as what the church puts into its weekly schedule of church ministries is what the church does not put into its schedule of weekly ministries so that families actually have time to be at home together at Calvary. Your elders have tried to be very careful not to load the week with too many ministries, but to schedule just enough so that you and your family are edified by those ministries, which we do believe you need, but you’re also not neglecting one another and you have time to develop your relationships outside of a specific ministry.

We also do special events like the sweetheart social coming up February 16th, also designed to nurture the bonds of family.

“Just as important as what the church puts into its weekly schedule is what the church does not put into its schedule.”

Along similar lines, a fourth way the church must minister to families is restricted service involvement. This is a struggle and a challenge for small churches and for ministries that are in desperate need of volunteers.

But the church must be purposeful about not allowing well-intentioned married persons and parents to serve too much in the church to the neglect of their spouses and children.

Now single people, let them go all out in unhindered service to Christ in his church.

But as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, married persons and parents have a duty first to their families. Now that’s going to vary by individual. It’s not like every married person or every parent is going to require the same amount or is not going to be able to handle the same amount of load in the church.

But as a whole, we as a church need to be mindful that we don’t want somebody serving too much and neglecting their families.

“As a church we need to be mindful that we don’t want somebody serving too much and neglecting their families.”

Modeling, Fellowship, and Biblical Counseling

A fifth way the church must minister to families is the modeling of church leaders.

One biblical qualification for both elders and deacons is that they manage their households well. This means if they are married, they should be setting an example for the flock in their marriage and in their parenting.

What I said in number four should also be evident in number five.

You should see your elders and deacons making marriage and family a priority as it fits in with the priority of the spiritual family, the church.

Your leaders should be blocking off time for their spouse and kids, even if it means not dealing with important church needs or opportunities for ministry until later. They will get to that, but there sometimes needs to be blocked off time for the family.

At times a leader will ask his family to sacrifice for the sake of the church. “Yes, I really wanted to spend time with you today, but there’s an emergency at the church and I need to go deal with that.” That’s legitimate.

But that can’t be true all the time. It’s not just, “Oh, dad’s away again, another emergency, no time for the family.” That’s not good and does not fit the biblical model.

If that is the case, the family will end up neglected when it should be first priority.

There’s a nuance connection between your obligations to your family and obligations to the church. There’s a give and take there.

Additionally, the church must be careful about unfair expectations on elder and deacon wives. These should not be seen automatically as some kind of female pastors or automatic female deacons who necessarily serve just as much as their husbands do and who must lead all the church’s ministries to women.

If elder and deacon wives can do that, great. But biblically speaking, elder and deacon wives are simply church members, and their first priority is their husbands and children.

A sixth way the church must minister to families is the spontaneous efforts of fellow Christians.

Do you realize that simply fellowshipping with, getting to know, having meals with, serving, and praying for one another outside of any formal ministry is actually one of the most important ways the church ministers to families?

It’s these spontaneous efforts that you have with your brethren in which you model, encourage, and instruct in God’s will. This edifies and protects families in the church.

Families of the church need everything which every joint supplies, as Ephesians 4 talks about. This is why at Calvary your elders want to see you talking with each other on Sunday mornings before and after service and getting together outside of the church, like on our family fellowship days, because that’s where the spontaneous ministry is going to take place.

“Simply fellowshipping, getting to know, having meals with, and praying for one another is one of the most important ways the church ministers to families.”

Families will suffer without this ministry.

A final and seventh way that the church must minister to families is through discipleship and biblical counseling.

In this category, we’re talking about purposeful, ongoing person-to-person or couple-to-couple ministry in which you model and instruct in God’s will for families. This is not a spontaneous thing; this is the purposeful thing.

Some of this ministry is preparatory or preventative in nature. For example, if you’re meeting with another person or a couple for general discipleship—”Hey, you’re a godly couple. We just like to meet with you once a month so that we can grow together”—that’s good. That’s protective, preventative, and preparatory.

Or if you’re about to get married, we’re going to ask you to go through a premarital counseling class or counseling relationship with your pastors. That’s preparatory and preventative.

Biblical Counseling as the Last Line of Defense

But some of this ministry is corrective, or I would even say rescuing in nature. You see, in some ways, biblical counseling is the last line of defense for families in the church.

If a family has ignored or failed to benefit from the other avenues that God has ordained for family ministry in the church, biblical counselors stand ready to pull those family members out of their downward spiral with focused, intensive discipleship and what it really means to be a Christian and what it means to face family problems biblically.

Unfortunately, many Christians don’t seek out general or preventative discipleship. They don’t seek out help with ongoing family problems until those problems have reached a critical level.

They thus turn to biblical counseling as a last resort before the marriage or the family falls apart, which can make your task as a believer called to biblical counsel seem a little daunting, perhaps impossible. You’re like on your last legs and you want me to help you. What can I do?

But remember, no person, no marriage, no family is beyond the powerful grace of God. God has fully equipped us for the task of this rescue counseling by his spirit and by his word. He’s going to help you get better and better at doing that.

This is one of the greatest acts of love you can show to your brethren. As James reminds us, I think I’ve already mentioned this verse in this course.

James 5:19-20 says, “My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth, and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”

Something I have to tell myself when I go into a counseling situation that just seems like an absolute mess, and that frequently is the case in marriage and family counseling. I have to tell myself the more dire the situation, the more glory God will get in his mighty deliverance, and he frequently does that.

“The more dire the situation, the more glory God will get in his mighty deliverance.”

All this to say, since the family is so important to God and his plans for the universe, it needs to be important to us and needs to be a priority of ministry in the church in all these different ways, including biblical counseling.

“No person, no marriage, no family is beyond the powerful grace of God.”

But are there any ways in which we can be better prepared to apply counseling to families in the church? Yes, which is why we’re having this class.

This is also why I want to talk about our second main topic today.

Common Problems Across the Family Life Cycle

Common problems in the life cycle of the family.

1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us there’s no sin struggle that we face or that a family faces that is not common to man.

Marriage and family problems, though they always have unique presentations, nevertheless reflect the same fundamental issues, experiences, and pressures that every family has struggled with or will struggle with.

Let’s briefly acquaint ourselves with some of the struggles, some of the basic struggles of a family as a way to be better prepared. For the sake of time here, I’m just going to mention broad categories of problems based on seven stages of family life.

Each stage is based on the general age of the parents and the age of the children, if there are children in that family. I have a lot of specific notes about each one of these stages which I’m not going to go through. I’m going to leave those on the slides.

You can look at those later. If you signed up to be part of the course, you already received those slides today. If you didn’t receive the slides and you want to receive them, just let me know afterwards.

Seven Stages of Family Life

Let’s talk about the stages of life for a family in this world. Of course, this varies family to family. It’s not going to be exactly like this for every family, but these are the general stages.

Stage one is early marriage. I would summarize this main struggle here as leave and cleave. Two people who have been used to living by themselves or with their parents now must get used to living a new intimate life together with another person who is a sinner in a new family. All the adjustments that go with that are pressures on a family in this first stage.

Stage two is beginning family. I would summarize this as the kids arrive. Husband and wife now must adjust to a household of young children and the increased needs and responsibilities that young children bring. Again, a number of new adjustments and new pressures.

Stage three is the expanding family, or what I would call time to educate. In this stage, the parents’ first or last children enter school age, which means figuring out how to educate them and whether the wife will re-enter the work world after she had stopped working before.

Stage four is the maturing family. I would call this guide the teens. The main challenge here is how to guide and relate to children who are now able to think largely on the level of adults and who now face increased responsibility and life decisions.

Stage five is the launching family. I summarize the challenge here as let them fly. In this stage, a couple faces the challenge of relating to newly adult children who are moving away and getting married, or conversely moving back to live with their parents, or conversely never leaving and always staying with them. A number of challenges and adjustments there as well.

Stage six is the empty nest family. I call this the setting sun. In this stage, the aging married couple adjusts to life after children and learns to relate to their children as fellow adults as those children begin to have children of their own.

Then finally, stage seven is later life. I call this days of darkness. I know that sounds really depressing, but I’m just trying to be honest. Because the Bible says in Ecclesiastes that old age is the most difficult stage of life for a family.

Why? Because in this stage a couple must adjust to increasing loss. Loss of health, loss of abilities, loss of parents, loss of friends, and the loss of one spouse. Of course, a Christian family or a Christian who’s lost most of his family can still walk with joy and usefulness to the Lord in this last stage of life and with greater anticipation of heaven.

But we need to be realistic about how difficult this final stage is.

“A Christian who’s lost most of his family can still walk with joy and usefulness to the Lord with greater anticipation of heaven.”

Now, like I said, there’s a lot more specifics that you can familiarize yourselves with in the notes. Please do so afterwards. But broadly, as we’re getting into counseling a family or a couple, we want to be aware of the different stages that a family will go through and what kind of unique pressures, strains, and temptations, also goals that the family will face during that time.

1 Corinthians 10:13: “There is no sin struggle that we face or that a family faces that is not common to man.”

Practical Guidance for Marriage and Family Counseling

But now, what about specific practical guidance for counseling marriage and families?

Step 1: Begin Counseling — When, Where, and With Whom

We turn now to our last topic today, and this is the one I want to spend the most time in. I shared with you before an eight-step method for biblical counseling. This comes from ACBC based on biblical principles.

I’m returning to that method now, not because I’m going to explain that method, but I want to go through the steps of the method and mention certain specific considerations you should have when it comes to applying the method to a couple or to a family as you go into counseling. I’m going to describe these considerations in the form of questions and answers.

I’m just going to leave the questions on the slide. You can write down the answer or you can just note the answer mentally as we go through it.

But in step one, begin counseling. Are there special considerations you should have with a couple or with a family? Well, here’s a question: When and where should you counsel a couple?

This is a very practical question. You want a time when they can be alert and you want a place where they will not be distracted.

Counseling Together or Separately

Thus, counseling in the couple’s home is not usually the best because there are a lot of distractions there. Kids can be distracting, needs in the home can be distracting.

It’s better to counsel in a more neutral place like a church office or a classroom, and there’s access to teaching materials there as well.

What about bringing people into your own home to counsel them? That can be okay, and it can be a place where you could even model good family life. But it could also be a place where you’re distracted with your kids or with your needs in the home.

Or if the couple has a very bad relationship with a lot of anger that is still being manifest even in your counseling sessions, that might not be good for your family. You probably don’t want to bring that into your home.

So a neutral place in the church is best.

Should you counsel a couple together or separately? Together is by far the better option.

This helps prevent gossip, misrepresentation, and manipulation of the counselor. This allows you to see how the couple interact so you get a fuller understanding of their relationship.

This allows you to help problem solve and practice what you teach under your direct supervision. It’s not just like do this at home. You do it with me right now.

And this allows you to stress marital unity because they are together and they are seeing you together. They’re dealing with the problem together. That’s good.

However, there may be some instances in which you will temporarily counsel a couple separately.

For instance, if attacking each other is the only way they interact, or if one spouse monopolizes the conversation in counseling or prevents the other spouse from properly interacting with you, or if one spouse is not willing to listen to the instruction when the other person is present or has a personal problem that they are unwilling to discuss with the other spouse.

It could also be that the relationship between a particular couple is so fragile that one or the other might give up if they come to you together in counseling.

In cases like that, you may temporarily counsel them separately or you may supplement your together counseling with separate counseling, but it’s better if they’re together.

“Counseling together allows you to help problem solve and practice what you teach under your direct supervision.”

When a Spouse Is Unwilling

What if only one person is willing to come to your counseling? Or if only one person is willing to apply your counseling. He’s there or she’s there, but she’s not really doing what you’re asking her to do. What do you do then?

Well, if at all possible, find out why the one is not getting on board. Find out why and try to address that unwilling spouse’s concerns either in the session or outside of the session, maybe in an individual session or just some other context. For instance, does this spouse think that the other spouse is the entire source of the problem?

Does this unwilling spouse think that counseling will be useless? Do they have no hope for it? Does this unwilling spouse want an excuse for getting out of the relationship? Has he or she already decided on divorce? Sometimes that happens. They just go through the motions of counseling because they’ve already decided they want a divorce.

Is the unwilling spouse actually involved in an affair? Is the unwilling spouse involved in a power struggle with the willing spouse?

Find out. Try to address it biblically.

But if that spouse is still unwilling and that spouse is part of your church and they are sinning against the other spouse in an ongoing, tangible way, then you would need to proceed to step two of Matthew 18 in church discipline. Bring another witness to entreat that spouse to work on his or her sin.

This is why counseling is best in the context of the church because you can actually not just say, “All right, I guess you’re just going to stay in your sin.” You can go after that person in an increasingly serious way.

But if the spouse is unwilling even after you find out and make biblical appeals to that person, and that person doesn’t go to your church, so there’s no real way to enforce church discipline, then counsel the willing spouse.

Counsel the willing spouse, being careful not to assume that everything that the one spouse tells you is the full story. Say, “All right, there might be some things that I’m not aware of that this spouse doesn’t bring up to me, but I’m going to proceed with what this spouse tells me.” Encourage the one who is willing to share and teach what he or she learns with the other spouse. I can’t counsel your other spouse, but you apply it at home and even share what you’re learning at home. And consider recording the sessions to send home with the willing counselee.

Do your best there.

“Counseling is best in the context of the church because you can go after that person in an increasingly serious way.”

Counseling Across Gender and Age

Another question. Is it prudent for me to counsel someone’s spouse of the opposite gender alone?

Yes, it can be done with certain common sense.

Leaving the door open, setting up a camera recording, CCing your spouse on communications—but better is to have someone else with you of the same gender for counsel. Not only is that good for your protection and the other person’s protection, but it gives a level of insight to your counseling that you wouldn’t otherwise have.

You’re trying to counsel a wife. She has certain perspectives and struggles as a female. If you have another female with you, you’re already improving your counseling dramatically.

Another way to deal with a situation that’s better than just counseling someone of the opposite gender is to begin the counseling but then let someone of that person’s gender continue the counseling. Say, “All right, I’m giving you some fundamental principles here, but my dear sister is going to keep on going with this with you.” You deal with some possible problems in those wise ways.

Another question, and last one for this category. How should you counsel children?

The answer is simple here. You counsel them like you would adults, but just in terms the child can understand. Children are capable of receiving biblical counseling. We often underestimate the profundity of spiritual truth that children can understand when adults will properly, creatively, and patiently explain it.

You can counsel children, but better than you counseling a child is you counseling the child’s parents so that they can counsel the child.

After all, the child already trusts his parents usually, but he’ll have to learn to trust you. And the parents have authority over a child. They can enforce what you’re counseling, but you can’t.

So better to counsel the parents and allow them to counsel the child. But if counseling just the parents won’t work, then the next best is to counsel the child with the parents present. You can not only minister to the child, but you can model for the parents how they should continue the counsel to their child.

Only as a last resort should you counsel someone’s child by yourself, and again with some common sense safeguards so that there are no accusations and no untoward behavior.

“Better than you counseling a child is you counseling the child’s parents so that they can counsel the child.”

Step 2–3: Gain Involvement and Gather Data

All right, I’ve given several considerations for beginning counseling, but for the other categories, I’m usually just going to give one or two. Let’s go to the next step. What specific consideration should you have for gaining involvement?

Here’s one I’ll mention.

Whose side should you take when a husband and wife are at odds? What would you say?

Neither. Be very careful not to show partiality in your counseling. Do not take sides. Your counselees may consciously or unconsciously try to get you on their side. But you must remain on God’s side. Otherwise, you will kill involvement with the other spouse. They will just assume you have nothing useful to say because you’ve sided with the other spouse. And with the spouse you sided with, you dampen your ability to minister to that spouse because they don’t think they really are the one with the problem or they have any problems.

Even if you conclude that one spouse is primarily at fault, do not reveal this so that you do not give ammunition to the other spouse.

You want to show both husband and wife that your primary concern is not who has committed more sin or who has committed worse sin in the relationship. Rather, it is what is each spouse’s obligation and calling before God no matter what sins the other person has committed. So don’t get pulled into taking a side.

“Your primary concern is not who has committed more sin, but what is each spouse’s obligation before God.”

That was my only consideration for this one. So going on to number three. What considerations for gathering data? I think I have three here.

What should I do if all the answers to the questions I ask about their marriage are bleak and depressing? I’m trying to gather data, trying to find out, but everything is just sad. Aren’t they just going to lose hope quickly?

That is a valid concern.

If you sense that negativity is pervading the relationship, not just in the counseling room, but really in all their interactions, ask some questions that point them in a positive direction.

Remind them that marriage is a good thing and can be a great blessing if they are willing to do it God’s way.

Ask questions like, “What first attracted you to your spouse?” Looking back, what have you appreciated about your marriage and your spouse? In the years you’ve been married, what have you done to make your marriage successful? Allow them to see there is a positive way to view your marriage, especially if you will embrace God’s way.

Observing Relationship Dynamics

Another question: what kind of communication or relationship dynamic should I pay attention to in the counseling room? Gathering data, you’re not just listening to what people say, but how they say it and how they act with one another. There are plenty of things you can observe, such as who sits where, who talks the most, who initiates the conversation, who interprets or clarifies or corrects the other when tense issues arise, how each person reacts, who withdraws and retreats, who pushes and coerces.

This can tell you a lot about your counselees’ relationship.

Not only do these observations clarify the dynamics, but they also show you how you should adjust your counseling approach. If you find that one counselee is always overruling or speaking over the other, then you need to specifically pause your counseling and say, “I need to hear this person without interruption.” Or if it’s appropriate, you say, “Do you have something to say in response to that?” So you make sure each counselee is heard.

“Make sure each counselee is heard. If one is always speaking over the other, pause and say, ‘I need to hear this person without interruption.’”

Another consideration: if certain issues have resulted in conflict at home, should you bring them up in the counseling room or should you not touch those hot button issues? What do you think?

You have to bring them up.

That’s why they’re there in counseling. If you don’t bring them up, they’re never going to be addressed. Besides, hearing what each person has to say and observing their reactions to one another will give you a lot of important data.

When people get upset, you’re getting an opening into that person’s heart. What do they really value? What are they really thinking? What are they really worshiping? If you never allow yourself a peek into that window, you’ve really shot your counseling in the foot.

By the way, if a couple gets angry at each other in your session, assume that it’s ten times worse at home because they are probably restraining themselves in your presence.

“When people get upset, you’re getting an opening into that person’s heart — what do they really value, what are they really worshiping?”

Step 4: Interpreting Data and Setting Goals

All right, let’s move on to step four: interpreting data. What practical considerations are there? I’ve got two.

We’ve already looked at common issues in the life cycle of a family. But what are common heart issues that you should be ready to spot as a counselor, especially in married counselees?

Well, these are some of the basic ones. Wrong concepts of what marriage is supposed to be. Wrong understandings of role and responsibilities in marriage. Differing expectations between the spouses, especially regarding children and child rearing. Wrong or incomplete concepts of repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. And wrong understandings about one’s rights, and thus false justifications for anger.

Pretty much every time I’m doing marriage counseling, I’m going through each one of those issues because they’re very common, very common in the heart.

Building a Counseling Plan

You probably will, too. Another consideration from your gathered data: you may discover so many heart and behavior problems that you do not know where to begin.

What should you do?

It is easy to get overwhelmed. But to pull back a principle from Ecclesiastes, keep calm and act in wisdom.

Specifically, set specific and biblical goals for your counseling and plan to go after them one at a time. You cannot simply say to yourself, “My goal is to have my counselors become godlier.” That’s too general. How are you going to get there?

Nor can you simply accept the counselee’s goals like “I want you to make our marriage harmonious” or “I want you to get her to speak to me in a respectful way.” You need to focus on biblical goals, not necessarily what your counselees want.

Nor can you just proceed without clear and specific goals because then you’ll just end up putting out fires and wasting a lot of time and maybe never getting to the heart of the issue. As you gather data and discern the main issues in the marriage, you put together a plan to deal with those main issues one at a time to eventually move your counselees to the ultimate goal of Christlikeness in their marriage and family.

For example, you might plan for a certain couple:

Step one is to get them to understand the heart as the ultimate root of sin. Step two is to show them how this explains why they’re getting angry at each other and why this anger is not righteous but sin resulting from idolatry.

Step three is to show them the specific heart idols that they have, as proved by what they get angry about. Step four is to talk about what true repentance of the heart looks like, especially from idols—repentance inside and out.

Step five is to show what true forgiveness and reconciliation looks like because they’re not practicing that. Step six is to show what godly communication looks like.

That’s just an example. But there are many advantages to coming up with a plan and specific goals to reach in order with your counselees. It’s useful for giving you confidence as you proceed in counseling instead of continually saying to yourself, “I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going. God help me.”

You’ll be more confident if you put together a plan, and your counselees will be more confident too. You promote a sense of confidence in your counselees when they know that you have a plan.

“Set specific and biblical goals for your counselees and plan to go after them one at a time.”

So they can trust that what you’re doing will lead them in a helpful way.

It’s also useful to both you and your counselees in evaluating the progress of your counseling. If you just say, “I’m going to try and help them to become godlier,” how do you know whether they really are? Unless you set those specific goals and check whether you’re meeting those goals, you can’t tell.

They still have a lot of problems. But have they at least learned to confess their sin to one another, give forgiveness to one another, and work towards reconciliation? You can see if there’s at least a little bit of progress.

Another useful reason for plans and specific goals is that as your counselees reach these goals, it encourages them. It builds momentum in your counseling, a sense of progress, and that gives them further motivation to change. They can see that they’re already changing, and so they are encouraged to keep going.

Specific goals are also useful because they help you come up with specific homework assignments designed to meet those goals and practice behaviors towards those goals. This also helps your counselees actually do the homework because they see, “Oh, I see why he assigned this to me. I see why she assigned this to me. It’s to reach one of these goals.”

“As counselees reach their goals, it builds momentum and gives them further motivation to change.”

Early on in your counseling, you want to come up with a plan and even present your plan to your counselees. Keep informing them of the progress as you go through your counseling and show them that you’re fulfilling the plan.

Of course, you do want to keep your goals flexible as you learn more about your counselees and as things develop in their relationship. You might need to adjust your approach, and you need to be willing to do that. That’s fine.

Step 5: Provide Instruction Through Role Play and Example

Okay, we talked about step four. Let’s go to step five: provide instruction. Any considerations here? Well, just one I’ll mention.

How can a counselor use roleplaying in his instruction? I’ve told you before there are a lot of different ways that you can instruct your counselee in the Bible. Roleplaying is actually one of them. Roleplaying is a valuable tool. What is it? It’s where the counselor pretends to be one of the spouses and goes through a mock conversation or a practice conversation or situation with the other spouse.

Not only can this exercise lighten the counseling mood because it usually ends up being a little bit funny, but it does give your counselee some memorable instruction and a chance to practice what you’ve been teaching. When they face that situation again, they’ll think back to how they roleplayed it with you.

That can be really useful. But even if you don’t full-on roleplay with a counselee, never forget the power of an example, a personal example. I remember a counselee said to me once, “Can you show us what biblical reconciliation looks like because I don’t think we’ve ever seen it or practiced it?”

That counselee wasn’t alone. Some people have a hard time following God’s design because they just have no idea what it’s supposed to look like in life. Okay, I got the concepts. I understand where this comes from in the Bible, but what does this look like in real life?

You need to help illustrate that for your counselee by personal example, by roleplaying, or something like that. These can be very helpful in your counseling and help your counselee actually meet the goals that you have set out for them.

“Some people have a hard time following God’s design because they have no idea what it’s supposed to look like in life.”

Step 6: Giving Specific Homework

Going over to number six, giving homework. Got two considerations for you here.

How specific should your homework assignments be?

Very specific because otherwise you’ll have a hard time assessing or making progress toward the specific goals that you have set.

For example, you cannot assign to a husband as homework, “You need to love Susie this week.”

How will you know whether he does that or whether he tried to do that? Give him something specific to do to cultivate and to show that love that he should be showing.

Okay, your wife has been saying that she feels like you don’t care about her or pay attention to her needs. So, every day this week, your homework is to ask your wife at least once a day what you can do for her. And then you are to do it with a good attitude and afterwards write a paragraph describing the experience and its outcome.

Now, do you see how that specific assignment is better?

It’s specific. It’s measurable. And it’s training the counselees to reach a biblical goal.

As my counseling professor, Dr. Street, would often remind us, you’ve got to get people out of vaguesville and fuzzy land because that’s where they hide and that’s where they lounge around.

Ask specific questions, set specific goals, and give specific homework assignments.

“Ask specific questions, set specific goals, and give specific homework assignments.”

The Conflict Journal

Speaking of homework, one of my go-to homework assignments and the go-to assignment for many marriage counselors is the conflict journal, or what I called in the previous biblical counseling class a tea journal, which is just my way to make it more memorable based on four T’s.

What is a conflict journal and why is it helpful? This is a specific, measurable homework assignment that moves counselees towards a biblical goal of Christlike change. In a conflict journal, the counselee is to write a four-part journal entry after getting into any conflict with his spouse, answering these basic questions.

What happened and who was there? What did I, the counselee, do and say? What was I thinking at the time? And how does God want me to think and act?

Those four questions help your counselees work through a journal entry that helps them, especially over time, take a closer look at what’s going on in their hearts amid conflict. You’re basically training them to think like a biblical counselor about their own actions. You say, “I did these things. These are the pressures in the situation, but what was I thinking?” Because unless I deal with what I was thinking, if my thinking was ungodly, if my desires were ungodly or out of proper bounds, then I’m not going to be able to change my behavior.

The journals will help them see what’s going on in their hearts. And if they don’t see it, then as you look at the journals with them over time, you could show it to them. “Oh, do you see how in entry after entry, you talk about how your wife doesn’t let you talk or your husband doesn’t let you talk and that really makes you upset? I’m seeing something here: a particular desire or right in the heart which you are valuing too much.”

Besides training your counselee and showing them what’s in their heart, these can also be a good way to assess the progress of your counseling. You can say, “All right, this is the way they responded to conflicts in the beginning. How are they responding to it now?” They’re not doing what they used to do. Even if it’s not perfect, they’re making progress.

Not everyone is a great journaler. I have found that men struggle with this type of homework assignment more than women do. That’s general and doesn’t necessarily apply in every case.

You can tweak this assignment to make it a little bit easier, but try to stress to your counselee the value and purpose of a conflict journal so that both of them will buy in. Both of them will do it even if it is a little difficult or time consuming.

“The conflict journal trains counselees to think like a biblical counselor about their own actions.”

Step 7: Giving Hope When Progress Stalls

Now I’m not saying you have to do that, but it is a useful tool in your counseling. All right, two more steps coming over here to giving hope. Any considerations here? Just one that I’ll mention right now. How should you respond when a counselee seeing slow or no progress in the counseling says that it’s no use and you should just stop wasting your time with them? What do you think?

I’ve heard this multiple times.

Yeah, Mark.

I found myself—yeah, actually that’s really good insight. So just to summarize what Mark said, sometimes the person says this because the person is expecting the relationship to get better or for the situation to change without repentance. And so the thing to do there is actually to confront the person and show them, oh, there’s still great opportunity and hope for change, but it is going to require repentance and owning your sin, owning your part of the problem.

But more fundamentally, when you hear a statement like this, first of all, don’t be surprised. Like I said, many people are coming to marriage counseling as a last resort, which means they’re very low on hope. So when they say a hopeless statement like this, you shouldn’t be surprised. But you do need to counter it.

Counter by giving them hope and expressing your absolute confidence in Christ, his scripture, and in your counselee’s ability to change by faith and in the power of God’s spirit. Now, sometimes, as Mark says, it’s just a matter of look, there’s always hope if you are willing to change. But my brother or my sister, I’ve been showing you your need to change here and you have not been willing to do it.

Remember, you can never force anybody to change, but there is always hope. Remind your counselees continually of the promises of God so they set their hopes there and not on what they see in their current circumstances. Things aren’t changing. We’ve been in counseling with you for four sessions. There’s no hope.

Is the Bible not true? Is God’s word not sufficient? Are God’s promises failed?

No. So despite what you see, God hasn’t given up on you. I’m not giving up on you. So don’t give up yourselves.

That’s what you should remind your counselees.

“Is God’s word not sufficient? Are God’s promises failed? Despite what you see, God hasn’t given up on you.”

Step 8: Ending Counseling Well

Finally, in step eight, end counseling. There are two important considerations.

How do you know when marriage counseling has accomplished its purpose and should end?

Well, look for a collection of certain signs or symptoms in your counsel. Not that they’re perfect and never get into conflicts anymore, but they understand problems from a biblical perspective and they search for biblical solutions. They know what God wants them to do. They regularly handle problems in a biblical way.

They accurately diagnose their own problems and mistakes. They take responsibility for failures. They face trials and have handled them well. They have failed, but they’ve identified why and recovered.

They share what they’ve learned with others. Or others, like their children, notice and comment about the positive changes in their relationship. Others begin to seek these counselees for help.

The counselors can list and document positive changes. The counselors think they’re ready, or the counsel’s homework inventory shows significant improvement.

You see a collection of those things means the counseling has succeeded. You have succeeded in bringing the couple back together and getting them back into the church. So you can work to end counseling. But how should you do that?

How should you end counseling so that relapses and reversals are minimized?

The answer is gradually. Don’t just say, “Hey, you guys are doing great. I’m not going to see you anymore.” No, gradually taper off. Give them more and more opportunity to show that they are consistently practicing what you’ve taught them.

Move from meeting every week to meeting every month, and then maybe meeting every four months. It’s not the end of your relationship, but you want to give them one more opportunity to show that you are consistently applying what you’ve told us and we are growing.

Don’t look for perfection. You’re never going to find that. Your counseling will never end. But look for that sustained faithful direction together as a couple.

Even in your more spaced out sessions, keep giving homework so that they can keep growing and they get into the habits that they should be practicing even when they are not in counseling with you.

“Look for sustained faithful direction together as a couple — not perfection, but consistent growth.”

Next Week’s Homework

There’s a lot more I can say about each one of these steps and practical considerations, but those are the ones that I wanted to share with you now. Those I thought were the most important. Before we end today, let’s talk about your homework for next week.

Next week, we’re talking about God’s design for marriage. We’ve talked about God’s design for the family and why the family is important, but now specifically we’re going to talk next week about God’s design for marriage.

Your homework assignment next week focuses on one of the most crucial questions related to marriage: should two particular people get married?

I’d like you to read a 10-page article called “Should We Get Married? Five Pre-Engagement Questions to Ask Yourselves” by David Palenson and John Yanko and write down five questions or observations based on your reading. I hope you will share those with us at the beginning of the next class.

You may have heard of David Palenson. He’s considered a giant in the biblical counseling movement. He went to be with the Lord in 2019, so he’s definitely someone worth listening to. John Yanko was David Palenson’s pastor and he is associated with CCF.

But if you’re thinking to yourself, “Okay, this is the assignment. I’m already married or I never intend to get married. Won’t this article be irrelevant to me?”

I would say no. It’s not irrelevant first because you don’t know what’s going to happen in your life. You may yet get remarried, or if you’re single and never intend to get married, you may yet get married. So this article could be relevant to you in that way.

But even if neither of those things happen, you surely will face opportunities to counsel others—maybe your own kids, maybe other young people in the church or older people in the church. You will have opportunity to counsel others as to whether they should get married. How will you counsel them? You need to make sure that you counsel them well and from the Bible, and this article is going to help you do that.

So that’s your assignment. Questions about the homework?

Yes, Mark.

Yeah, it is. We want to spare people from that. Mark’s mentioning that some people who ignore counsel about whether they should get married get into their marriage and they’re like, “I shouldn’t have done this. What do I do now?” Well, you’re in it now and you can’t just dissolve the marriage. You have to act godly in the situation that you’re in.

There’s a separate bit of counseling with some overlap, but there’s other counseling to apply in that area. But we would much rather people listen to counsel before getting married and we can spare them a lot of trouble.

“Prevention is much better than cure — we would much rather people listen to counsel before getting married.”

That’s right. Yeah.

Preventative, just like with medicine, right? Physical medicine is much better than cure, but we do what we can.

Questions about what you’ve heard today? You’ve got the homework. We have about five minutes for questions about how the church should minister to families, the life cycle of a family, or specific considerations in counseling marriages and families.

If we end early, that’s okay, but this is a golden opportunity. I almost never have time for questions. So, yeah, Mark.

For example, I think about where is your—if I understand your question, let me say two things. You’re talking about how do you help diagnose a person’s heart, especially in connection with the fruit of the Spirit? Am I getting that correct?

In some ways, that is the basic goal and challenge of biblical counseling: to show the heart based on the fruit. And it does go back to the basics of the fruit of the Spirit. Are you showing good fruit in your life? Are you showing good fruit in your relationship? If not, that means there’s a problem in the heart, and we want to try and get down to it.

So as you examine why there’s negative fruit, first of all, help people see this isn’t just, “Oh, you’re in bad circumstances or you have a really problematic spouse or you just have personalities that clash.” No, there’s good fruit and there’s bad fruit, and the Bible says they come from the heart. So this isn’t an external problem. This is an internal problem.

We need to help investigate what that internal problem is. We look at the specific fruit and see where and why it occurs to help point us to what’s going on in the heart. A lot of different ways that a counselor will try to do that—in terms of asking questions, gathering data, leading their counselees through Bible studies and things like that. But that is ultimately what we’re after.

This is the fundamental drive of biblical counseling. I’m looking at what you’re doing, but we can’t focus there. We got to focus on what you’re thinking, what you’re believing, what you’re desiring in the heart. Once we deal with that, then we can talk about how this should manifest in the outward fruit.

And if you’ve dealt with the heart but the outward fruit never comes, then you realize, “Oh, I don’t think we’ve really dealt with the heart. Maybe there’s more to it. Or maybe the person hasn’t really heeded the counsel.”

But yeah, fruit is one of the basic considerations in terms of trying to discover what’s going on in the heart. Because ultimately, we Christians—not perfectly, but characteristically—should be manifesting the fruit of the Spirit, all the fruit of the Spirit. It’s a collective thing. You don’t just do some fruits and not the others. You should be manifesting that in your life.

If it’s not there consistently, there’s something that’s gripped the heart. You got to help that person uncover what it is and lay it aside.

If there are other questions, please send me an email or come talk to me afterwards. Usually not right afterwards because I have to go home and pick up Benjamin and bring them right back. But you’ll see me later in service. You can talk to me then or you can send me an email.

If you want to be added to the class list and you haven’t yet so you can get the homework assignment and the slides, just let me know. Let me close in prayer.

Everybody, thank you for this time of instruction. Thank you for this ministry of biblical counseling, Lord, which is so needed in the church and can provide such mighty rescue. Not because of the skill or wisdom of the counselor, but because of your word and your Spirit. You are the one who’s doing the rescuing. We’re just agents in that amazing operation.

God, help us not to be afraid. Help us to be confident in you, but yet help us to grow in skill. We know, Lord, that this comes with practice. But Lord, I pray that we would become more compassionate, more insightful, more discerning, more knowledgeable, Lord, in your will and design for marriages and families so that we can encourage and exhort one another about these things.

Lord, bless the marriages in this church. Bless the parents and the children of this church. I pray that the relationships will become more and more harmonious. But even when they are not, God, I pray that each member who knows you will be able to walk in godliness, joy, and contentment, trusting you to work on the other people and to bring deliverance in this situation whenever you see fit. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Thank you.

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