In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia explains from the Bible God’s design for communication. After explaining two critical clarifications regarding communication, Pastor Dave then discusses five rules for godly communication to practice in every relationship.
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good morning good morning welcome to Sunday school it’s already 9:00 so find your seats let’s get started allow me to open in a word of prayer pray to the Lord with me Lord God we want to hear more from your word so that we can put it into practice we want to see who you are we want to see your way especially when it comes to this topic of communication so help me to communicate this well in Jesus name amen okay so this is lesson seven in our Sunday school series biblical counseling for marriage and Parenthood before we get to the main lesson today as is our custom let’s talk about the homework from last week last week you were assigned to read the chapter from men counseling men rebuilding a marriage after adultery by Wayne Mack and write down five observations or questions so what are some things that you wrote down okay that’s fine uh Mark so big emphasis was that that’s right yeah and that’s very important point the causes of adultery are not external but internal you can’t say well my wife did this or I was going through this those can provoke you in a certain direction but they never make you do anything in fact you will not really have repented of adultery until you’ve repented of those heart idols and if you’re going to proceed if you and your wife are going to proceed on the your or your spouse depending on H how it might happen in a relationship if you’re going to really proceed in an effective way on rebuilding the marriage it has to be with an actual uprooting a full uprooting of the sin of adultery which means getting to the Heart level good observation what else Stephanie yeah yeah yeah uh Stephanie bringing out that how important it is to get Godly counsel versus worldly counsel because it makes a big difference yeah there is wisdom in counsel that is generally true but you also want to get wisdom from good counselers those who actually are mature those who are wise and especially those who are believers I I did note one section there that maybe was surprising to you when it’s talking about confessing the sin of adultery and to whom do you confess that well certainly you confess it to the spouse who has been wronged but it can include more than that in fact the principle is that whoever it substantively touches that person needs confession from you and needs to see your expressed repentance and you might say well I don’t really know who that is well that’s a good opportunity to get some counsel especially from Elders say I want to do this the right way but whom should I speak to I know it can be a little bit unclear sometimes so that’s definitely a good place where you want Godly counsel other uh questions observations Tony yeah yeah absolutely so we can’t we can’t be unrealistic and say oh adultery is a sin just like any other sin well yes that’s true in one sense but it is a uniquely destructive sin in a marriage it really breaks apart trust yet just as you were saying Tony God’s forgiving Grace and transforming Grace is great enough that it is not necessarily the end of a marriage it need not be if a husband or wife has committed adultery is truly repentant and if the other spouse is cultivating a heart after God’s Own they can rebuild the marriage so that it can even be stronger than before but that does take take hard work and that does take Faith these are good observations I hope that article was helpful to you thank you for reading it you may have noticed we’ve had several sobering reading assignments over the last few weeks and that is important but I thought with uh the next week’s assignment oh Sage you want to say something don’t think should unse the fact that kind of focused on women also I think have to you know be careful as well that’s definitely true thank you for mentioning that Sage the article focused on men committing adultery but that doesn’t mean that’s not a Temptation for women or that women do not commit adultery that is that is certainly something to keep in mind now the article Was Written In A Book Men counseling men so there’s a reason why it focused on men but yes there are the same things that the article talks about is applicable to the situation of women where they might say my my husband is not caring for me my my or maybe my husband has committed adultery so I’m going to commit adultery against him so there definitely yes we we want to be aware of this for both sides but um like I was saying even the principles that were directed towards men in this in this particular article they they are relevant for both for both sides of the situation though there are unique considerations for each might be some things that might tempt men more into adultery that won’t tempt women more into adultery but it’s different for a woman so that’s something we could explore another time but anyways definitely that’s valuable Sage to mention that it’s not just a problem for men but like I was saying we’ve had several sobering homework assignments and I thought I’d give you a change of pace with the homework assignment for this upcoming week maybe you saw it already if you are on the class list but here’s what I’d like you to do for this next week it’s not a reading assignment what okay yes it’s a little writing assignment we’re going to do a little how well do you know slash getting to know your spouse writing activity if you’re married or you’re engaged or you’re dating someone I’d like you and your significant other to write down two lists so in total four lists and for the first list I want you to write down 10 specific ways that you would like your significant other to love and serve you and then for the second list write down 10 specific ways that you believe your significant other would like to be loved and served now these don’t have to be things that the other person is not doing right now they can be but they can also be things that the person is not currently doing or that you’re not currently doing and do you make the items on the list specific don’t say or don’t write something general like I want him to show that he cares for me or I want her to show me respect be more specific write down how your spouse or you could do that I want him to take out the trash before I have to tell him or I want her to bring me her concerns to me without judging me right off the bat write things like that down once you’ve completed your two lists and your significant other has as well compare them and I think that will lead to some enlightening discussion which is the point of course once you have confirmed with your significant other specifically how you would like to love and serve one another you should start doing those things you should start doing those things for each other and be ready to share how the activity goes for you at the beginning of the next class if you’re not currently if God has not currently placed you in a significant other relationship you can still do that do this activity with someone you live with maybe a parent or a sibling or a roommate or you can do it with a friend with whom you don’t live but you still have a a relationship and if you don’t have any friends well your homework assignment is to get to know other people in the church and start becoming a good friend to them so that they might become your good friends that’s your assignment questions about the homework well very good oh yes it’s a pet a pet I don’t know if you can do this with a pet the pet won’t be able to respond that much that well to it so I’d recommend a human at least okay well as I said we’re talking about God’s design for communication today his design for how you are to use the different aspects of communication such as such as spoken words written words facial expressions body language and tone of voice to bless others glorify God we’re going to be focusing on what this design looks like in the marriage relationship specifically but the principles we discussed will be relevant for all your relationships what is God’s design for communication I’m going to give you five rules for Godly communication from the Bible but before I do that I need to give you two critical clarifications regarding communication and just as a side note some of the material today well the whole class is based off off of the Pastoral counseling class the biblical counseling class that I went through in seminary from Dr John Street but for this lesson I’ve also supplemented it with some information from Dr Greg gford who is a professor at the Masters University who teaches biblical counseling he has a podcast called transformed where he has several episodes on Godly communication and I’ve Incorporated some of that information into this lesson and I do recommend that podcast to you by the way pretty much every couple coming in for marriage counseling reports poor community communication poor communication in their relationship leading to the worsening of marriage problems some couples even believe that poor communication is the source it is the primary source of their problems and if we could just learn to communicate better they they say I’m sure that all of our issues would get resolved well I do acknowledge that poor and ungodly communication is a contributor to marriage problems and that the Bible does make clear God’s design for Effective and godly communication I must assert you that poor communication is actually a symptom and not the true cause of marriage problems in fact if you do not deal with the true source of your communication difficulties improving your communication skills may actually worsen the relationship as you both get better at using righteous sounding words to pursue sinful and idolatrous desires how can this be well please take your Bibles and turn to Matthew 12 Matthew 12: 33-37 what we’re going to see our two clarifications two critical clarifications regarding communication so Matthew 12 33- 37 Jesus is in the middle of an exchange with the Pharisees Matthew 12: 33-37 Jesus says this either make the tree good and its fruit good or make the tree bad and its fruit bad for the tree is known by its fruit you brood of vipers how can you being evil speak what is good for the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart the good man brings out of his good treasure what is good and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil but I tell you that every careless word that people speak they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment for by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned so here’s the first critical clarification from this passage your communication reflects what is happening in your heart notice the analogy from Jesus a good tree produces good fruit and a bad tree produces bad fruit that’s basic no sane fruit tree owner asks himself why is my good tree producing only rotten fruit no he doesn’t ask that because he knows that bad fruit is just an outward manifestation of a tree’s deeper problem the tree if it’s got rotten fruit is desperately sick it’s corrupted it’s a bad treat so it is Jesus says with your words with your communication and your heart the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart thus those who are evil in heart who are maintaining and nurturing evil in heart cannot speak what is good rather the good man brings out good words from his heart like treasure to put on display and the evil man brings out evil words from his heart like treasure to put on display notice by the way verse 36 says that this principle applies even to your careless words the unguarded words you speak with the people with whom you are most comfortable most familiar or the communication that just seems to slip out when you’re under stress maybe you’re hungry maybe you’re tired like we said earlier difficult situations and difficult people do not cause you to sin they do not cause you to speak evil words rather situations and people to borrow the analogy from Wayne Ma’s article they function like a squeezing hand on the sponge of your heart and whatever comes out whatever words come out is what was already there before you were squeezed so if you really want to get a sense of where your heart is before the Lord even in your marriage don’t look at what you communicate in your most careful moments like when you’re in church or where you’re in front of other people whose respect you want to maintain don’t look when everything is going well for you and is easy well the words you say then instead look at your most careless your most private your most unguarded your most stressed moments even when you’re just with family or you’re being mistreated what kind of words come out then is it Angry Words lying words perverted words judgmental words curse words insults complaints blasphemy gossip boasting bitter sarcasm the silent treatment or do you instead see righteous words kind words patient words forgiving words edifying communication truly before your words can be transformed to conform to God’s design your heart must be transformed you must identify and remove by repentance any idolatrous desires or you’ll never say the right words if you try to transform your communication without transforming your heart you either will not be successful or you will only succeed in becoming more hypocritical but if you humble yourself and allow the Lord to transform your heart by the wonderful truths of his gospel then I submit you’re already 90% of the way there to effective and godly communication you can even make up for imperfect words if you have the right heart because now you’re speaking and acting from a heart that’s filled with God’s Selfless Love rather than a heart filled with pride and selfish idolatry so this is the first key claric first key clarification critical clarification but we should realize also that the transformation of your heart and words is not a take it or leave it proposition second critical clarification we also see from this passage is number two you are accountable to God for all your communication notice verses 36 and 37 again Jesus says every careless word or by extension of the principle every unguarded bit of communication will require an account to God on the day of judgment so does that include the tiny put down you slipped in at the end of one of your arguments it does does that include the way you rolled your eyes when your spouse made a request it does does that include the way you shouted at him when he wouldn’t let you talk that one time it does all communication that misses the mark of God’s own character and Commandments deserves judgment God loves what is good he hates what is evil you speak anything that doesn’t fit his Perfection he hates it and will call you to account for it in fact Jesus says your communication will either lead you to be justified or condemned in the last day by your words you’ll be justified by your words you’ll be condemned now does that mean that either on your own and with Jesus help you can speak words good enough to get you to heaven uh no because that would contradict the rest of scripture rather what did Jesus show us in verses 33 to35 that communication proves what say that Mike it proves what’s in your heart proves where your heart is those who have Godly communication have what kind of Hearts they have new Hearts transformed heart good hearts hearts made new by Jesus Christ in the New Covenant but those who have evil communication of what kind of Hearts they have Stony evil Hearts they have hearts that are without Jesus Christ and that deserve hell so as the other scriptures declare it will be in the last day your words and your Deeds that will serve as incontrovertible evidence before the universe as to whether you really believe in and belong to Jesus Christ and therefore it will be clear to everyone whether you deserve to be eternally Justified or eternally condemned you see your communication is no small issue your communication is a matter of your Eternal Soul if you will not speak God’s way you are showing you don’t belong to God if you will speak God’s way you testify I do belong to Jesus Christ he has made me new he has saved me by his life death and Resurrection so you see how important it is that we clarify these things before we can talk about what is God’s design for communication we must clarify that communication reflects what is happening in the heart and you are accountable to God for all your commun communication but let’s say you have examined your heart according to God’s scripture as best you can and you believe that you are truly seeking Christ yet you know that you need to keep on improving in knowing Christ and walking with him and you want to do that in your communication you know you should do that with your communication so what is God’s standard for communication to which you should keep on striving well now let me give you let’s walk through five rules for Godly communication five rules for Godly communication and the first one is this is really important listen to understand listen to understand if you want to communicate according according to God’s design you must not only purpose to listen to other people but listen in a particular way listen with the goal of understanding the other person to see this please take your Bibles and turn to James 1: 19 to 20 James 1:1 19-20 probably every guide for communication both in the church and in the world is going to tell you that before you can learn to be a good speaker you’ve got to learn to be a good listener and listen how the Apostle James articulates this principle in James 1:19 to20 this you know my beloved Brethren but everyone must be quick to hear slow to speak and slow to anger for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God now you may be aware in the context before and after these verses or from the context before and after these verses James is going to apply this wise exhortation to humbly receiving the preached word of God that is you to be quick to listen to the preached word slow to speak against it slow to become angry about it but the wisdom of these two verses does apply to communication generally and is backed up by the rest of scripture if you want to communicate God’s way with anyone you must be quick to listen slow to speak against what that person said and slow to become angry about what that person said yet what do we mean by listen are we simply to allow sound waves to come into our ears is that the command from James no the idea is that you are quick to listen so that you may fully or at least adequately understand what the person is trying to communicate to you Proverbs 1813 says we’ve talked about this verse before he who gives an answer before he hears it is folly and shame to him I ask you why is a quick answer Folly and shame to a person Eric exactly you don’t fully understand what the person’s trying to say or the situation which means how are you going to respond in ignorance in a way that is not helpful or a way that is not accurate you will respond foolishly even sinfully likely making if there is a bad situation likely making it worse in his podcast Dr Greg gford remarks that bad listeners are some of the angriest people and you can see how this Works bad listeners don’t take time to understand meaning they rely most of the time on proud and uncharitable assumptions about other people that’s how they interpret other people’s words and actions and the inevitable result is the bad listener ends up judging other people and becoming irritated by what they do obviously that person was trying to insult me or was disrespecting me or was mistreating me he doesn’t take the time to understand so if you you find yourself quick to speak and not quick to listen to the point of understanding know that you will become if you are not already an angry person you will fail to follow God’s design for communication to your own judgment or chastening if you belong to Jesus Christ and by the way listening to understand is not automatic not necessarily it’s something you has purpose to do there are plenty of other ways that you might choose to listen to someone maybe you’ve even gotten into a habit of doing this for example you may listen simply to give someone else a turn to speak to be polite to let someone vent or get something off his chest you’re not really listening though to understand you may listen just to hide and hopefully prevent yourself from having to share anything in a conversation you may listen just to calculate how you can segue your next story or next idea into the conversation where’s a good jumping off point uhuh okay here it is you may even listen just to find a slip up in what the other person says so that like a defense attorney you can use it to Counterattack the other person and win the argument and this last style of listening particularly trips up married couples and it inflames conflicts so let me illustrate it with an example and then contrast it with listening to understand suppose a wife says to her husband you never help me with the kids the husband listening to Counterattack might say see that’s not true I helped feed the kids A week ago and watch them while you took a nap you’re slandering me well that husband may feel like he has spoken the truth and has righteously Vindicated himself but he scores a zero on the listening to understand scale not to mention he does nothing to address his wife’s concern or show love to her which is only going to hurt his relationship with her but contrast this with the husband listening to understand who realizes that more important than the eloquence or strict accuracy of his wife’s words is the intended meaning behind them thus he understands you never helped me with the kids to mean really I feel like you do not help me enough with the kids or I’d like more help with the kids now maybe this is something the husband already knows and can readily admit yeah I I should help more or maybe this is a surprise to the husband I I thought I was already helping enough I didn’t realize this bothered her but rather than pouncing on the strict inaccuracy or the ungraciousness of the word never that his wife used Godly husband can in love ask his wife further questions about her perspective and her expectations in order to serve her like Christ served the church now maybe as a result of this conversation the wife will realize she needs to adjust her expectations and acknowledge how her husband is already helping with the kids but the husband and wife will never get there if one or the other is listening to battle rather than listening to understand so listen to understand is the first rule of Godly communication the second is speak truth in love speak truth in love as you take time to listen understand you will then become equipped just as Eric was talking about you will then become equipped to respond rightly to speak the truth in love as you must and to see this and the rest of our principles let’s go to Ephesians 4 Ephesians 4 and we’ll start in verses 15- 16 in Ephesians 4 4 15- 16 Paul is speaking about God’s design for Mutual Ministry in the church everyone ministering to everyone on to everyone else and look at how he describes it starting in verse 15 but speaking the truth and love we are to grow up in all aspects into him who is the head even Christ from whom the whole body being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies according to the proper working of each individual part causes the growth of the Body for the building up of itself in life love you will notice from these verses that Paul declares one of the main ways that people build up one another in the church is simply by communicating in a certain way speaking the truth in love now as a marriage unit is part of the church so husbands and wives must resolve for the sake of building up one another in obedience to Christ to speak the truth and love to one another another Ephesians 4:29 teaches similarly if you’ll just glance down there let no un wholesome word proceed from your mouth but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment so that it will give Grace to those who here now we can break down this phrase speak truth and love into its component parts to emphasize different aspects of this responsibility Believers ESP esally in marriage must first resolve to speak some people are more reserved and prefer not to talk much many if recently sinned against by their spouses may feel inclined to stop talking to their spouses to give minimal conversation to functionally withdraw give the cold shoulder give the silent treatment these persons may even cite scripture as justification Proverbs 17:28 even a fool when he keeps silent is is considered wise when he closes his lips he’s considered prudent I’m just trying not to be a fool I’m just trying to be wise I’m sorry that will not do you are commanded by your lord to minister by speaking the truth in love and to pursue the edification of your spouse that he or she needs according to each moment therefore if you don’t feel like speaking you must die to yourself and to your own desire and speak as God commanded you for Christ’s sake and remember your spouse is not a mind reader many times your spouse will not understand that there is a problem or how they can serve you best until you speak don’t say well if he really loves me then he’ll know without me even telling him or if she really loves me she’ll know no sometimes you just need to speak second Believers must resolve to speak truth speak truth now to speak truth is sometimes taken to mean that Believers should speak the Bible or speak the truths of the Bible or they should confront sin and believer certainly should be doing both of those things but more basically to speak truth means to speak what is true to speak truthfully look down at Ephesians 4:25 where we see this concept repeated therefore laying aside falsehood speak truth each one of you with his neighbor for we are members of one another Paul’s argument in that verse is that it does not make sense for Christ members to lie to one another to deceive one another for deceiving the other to hold back the truth from the other only hurts the relationship and therefore hurts the body including the person who is doing the lying and deceiving you hurt yourself when you don’t speak the truth Believers therefore should resolve not just to speak but to speak the truth excuse me me now obviously this means that Christians should not outright lie to each other to hurt each other or to cover up their own sins and failures but this also means that Believers should not speak white lies lies that seem kind or inconsequential this means that Believers should not withhold information that the other person should know you don’t have to share everything but if it’s something that the other person really should know you are being deceptive if you do not share it with the other person this means that Believers should not imply or insinuate something and then deny doing so oh I didn’t say that this means that believer should not exaggerate to make a situation seem different than it was and that believer should not recount stories while un knowingly omitting certain details that make the speaker look better and make another person or people look worse of course speaking the truth is going to be an Act of Faith and it may result in trouble for you in the short term but this is what God’s called you to do this is what honors God and it will bless you and your relationship in the long term well third Believers must speak the truth in love have you ever heard someone say something really unkind and then follow up by saying I’m just being honest unfortunately Christians can do this too we can use truthfulness and boldness as an excuse to be harsh but the truth is if you speak the truth in an unloving way you have sinned against God and the other person and furthermore just because something is true doesn’t mean that you should say it consider Ephesians 4:29 again you are not allowed to say anything that is UN wholesome that is corrupting that tears down another person even if what you say is true or you think it’s true you’re only allowed to speak and indeed you must speak no matter how you feel or how you’ve been sinned against that which nourishes that which builds up that which shows Grace that which shows love indeed everything everything you say every communication with your body language or your eyes or your tone of voice your words it must be with the intent to do others good in the name of God that’s what love is it’s seeking another person’s good that’s what love does so all that together you see the second rule of Godly communication speak truth in love a third rule for Godly communication is number three keep current keep current to conform to God’s design you must keep current in your communication speaking to your spouse about important matters in a regular And Timely fashion look at Ephesians 4:26 and 27 to see this Illustrated Paul writes be angry and yet do not sin do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity scripture is realistic trouble anger conflict they are an inevitable part of relationships including the marriage relationship including the Christian marriage relationship but something that should Mark Christian marriages and Christian relationships as general is that Christians deal with anger quickly and do not let issues that could provoke anger remain unaddressed in the marriage to do so verse 27 indicates would be to give the devil an opportunity opportunity to do what Rich you’re going to say something yeah to further increase sin to further increase division to sow bitterness to ultimately sow the destruction of the relationship you’re giving the devil a foothold you’re giving him an opportunity now how does a Christian deal with anger well he must first confess his anger to God and repent of any Idols that are fueling that anger we’ve talked about this a little bit he must then if he has acted or spoken in Anger to towards another person he must then seek forgiveness and reconciliation with that person by confessing his sin by confessing his idols and and showing that he’s turned from it then and only then if there’s something that the other person said or did that he thinks need to be addressed as sin or as unhealthy to the relationship he must bring it up plenty of professing Christians are not willing to follow these steps especially the last one don’t want to bring it up though there’s definitely an important issue issue bothering one person he chooses not to bring it up with his spouse he perhaps tells himself or she perhaps tells herself I’m just going to take the high road and Overlook it but this is a serious issue you cannot you should not Overlook it or the conversation just going to be awkward and painful so the person chooses to stay safe and comfortable or I doubt the conversation is going to be productive so he’s not even willing to try just stuff that bothersome issue away but what happens as a result it will eventually explode or it will Fester it will cultivate bitterness it will lead to distance in the relationship the issue that you ignore will keep on coming up and it will do more and more damage yeah Mark when God is angry he gets angry but he doesn’t stay angry so for me that’s kind of a li Mis test our anger might be telling us something that we need to act on but if I remain in a state of anger for a sustained period of time that’s simp yeah interesting point mark So looking at God and His pattern in this scriptures where we see God get angry but then he does something about it he doesn’t just stay angry and stew most of the time uh there’s a sense where God is being patient with all Sinners and and maybe not acting on his anger in that way but anger was originally designed as a Godly emotion to respond to Injustice for the Lord’s sake and for others sake so there are times well we may have righteous anger but we do need to act on it that was the intent but a lot of times we have unrighteous anger and that anger needs to be dealt with first by confessing the anger in our own persons but if there was an issue that we yielded to and became angry about that is bothersome to the relationship that is unhealthy which is ungodly before the Lord we need to deal with that too quick L Jesus tells us that if we have something against a brother or a brother has something against us we need to seek peace quickly even before coming to Worship in the church assembly Matthew 5 God wants you if there is an issue in a relationship you have with somebody else to address it before it worsens how do you address it by speaking the truth in love when do you address it verse 26 says ‘d do not let the sun go down on your anger now we are not to take this statement overly literally if there’s only five minutes to sun down you don’t say oh I’ve only got five minutes to have this conversation and resolve it with my spouse no reconciliation by the end of the day is a good rule of thumb but the main idea is you take care of any anger issues or you take care of conflicts quickly don’t let an important issue slide for days weeks months not only so that you can prevent bitterness but also so that you prevent you and anyone else who’s involved of forgetting what actually happened oh you did this thing I don’t even remember doing that thing now that being said we must balance what I just shared with you with the general principle of verse 29 verse 29 says that you are to speak the truth in love according to the needs of the moment with the intent to show grace to the other person so one application of that in terms of keeping current is that you shouldn’t necessarily bring up an issue with another person as soon as possible because maybe that’s not the best time to bring it up with the other person that’s not the need of the moment for example if your spouse is about to go somewhere or has just returned from somewhere or is tired or is hungry or is Sleepy you should probably bring up your important issue another time you do well in not wanting to let the sun go down on your anger to want to seek peace in relationship but you need to be considerate and when you are the conversation when you do have it will often go much better of course you can’t go too far the other way and wait for the perfect time why not there’s never a perfect time especially when you’re trying to confront a thorny issue in your relationship so then you must keep current about important issues in their relationship but realize this doesn’t just apply to negative developments de you ever had a friend a close friend failed to disclose to you some important good news in his life oh you got engaged when three months ago why didn’t you tell me when someone fails you to tell you important good news what does that do to your relationship it hurts it right it erods it say ah I thought we were closer than that causes Comm communication to break down as we’ve already seen in previous lessons God made the marriage relationship the most intimate companionship relationship on Earth and companions speak to each other about important matters both good and bad positive and negative if you don’t keep current about important developments with your spouse then when your spouse finally finds out about the information that you’ve been keeping from him it will erode erode trust and it will weaken your ability to communicate say why are you keeping this from me why didn’t you share this with me and let me think that things were different than they were therefore you should feel an internal pressure to keep current with your spouse as a practical guideline Dr gford recommends that if something important comes up that is either bothersome or exciting to you give yourself a 48 hour deadline to share it with your significant other within 48 Hours look for a good time and talk about it because if you don’t have an inner deadline set of some kind you will delay and delay and delay and delay and it will hurt your relationship keep your communication thriving by speaking regularly and in a timely way what is important with your spouse a fourth rule for Godly communication is attack the problem not the person to communicate according to God’s design speak in such a way that helpfully moves towards a solution rather than unhelpfully calls into question another person’s character or worth consider Ephesians 4:29 again we Christians are only allowed to speak with one another what builds up what nourishes what is helpful to that person’s walk with Christ it is almost never helpful or edifying simply to denounce the other person consider the difference between two statements I don’t see how you were telling the truth in what you just said versus I think you are a liar the first statement if you think about what kind of responses it might generate it is a little bit confrontational but it invites explanation and perhaps confession but the second statement is very confrontational and what does it invite what’ you say Ln yeah it is condemnation and it does invite condemnation in return how dare you speak to me like like that it invites anger defensiveness or the other person even to just exit the conversation because that’s an attack that is an attack on a person on his self as a strong provocation to him to defend his character defend his honor to defend his worth and he or she will probably feel like you are unjustly unjustly slandering him or her with that kind of statement and by the way if we’re honest we have to admit that statements like you are a liar or you’re a tyrant or you’re so ungrateful they generally don’t come from a Heart of Love That seeks to do the other person good with the truth but from where do these statements come anger hatred a desire to hurt and punish the other person it’s not going to edify him to denounce him or to denounce her but it feels good to you feels like you’re meeting out a little bit of justice but this is foolish hateful insulting condemnatory demeaning condescending communication it is indeed hurtful and very effective and shutting down communication and exacerbating conflicts this is part of the corrupting talk that Ephesians 4:29 forbids to Believers you don’t want to shut down communication with your spouse okay maybe there’s a false teacher out there who deserves words of condemnation but you have to live with your spouse you need to speak in a way that’s going to be constructive not dismissive Ephesians 4:30 says that unedifying talk actually Grieves God’s very Spirit the very Spirit who has mercifully sealed all believers for the day of redemption that is a merciful Act when you speak in an unmerciful way you grieve the spirit so though we Believers must keep current and confront important issues yes even uncomfortable issues we cannot do so by angrily attacking the other person we instead attack the problem we focus specifically on what a person has said and done rather than on his character and we give the other person a chance to explain himself and to work with us toward a solution for example instead of dismissing the other by saying you never care what I have to say you might say whenever you interrupt me when I’m talking it comes across as you not caring what I have to say or instead of accusing another by saying you are a narcissist you might say honey I noticed that you seem to get upset and stop talking to me after I disagreed with your opinion at dinner could you please tell me why and by the way you can probably tell from my examples that the tone of voice and how you say something it’s important in either escalating or de-escalating a conflict now even if you speak in a good tone and good words the other person may still respond in a in a ungodly way but you can only do your part remember that God made the marriage Unit A Team speak in such a way that shows your partner that you want to work with him or her towards a mutually agreeable solution even if it involves confronting and repenting of sin I’m not your enemy I’m your companion I want to help you even if it means confronting your sin speak in a way that you communicate that finally a fifth rule for Godly communication is act don’t react to communic unate according to God’s design you must proactively choose to engage God’s way and acally put off actively put off your natural selfish Tendencies one idea that runs through most of Ephesians 4 and certainly versus 25-32 is the idea of putting off the old natural man and putting on the new Supernatural Man created in Jesus Christ in fact look at Ephesians 4:31 let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice now does anyone need to teach you how to be bitter or angry or slanderous no why not comes naturally comes naturally in the flesh and if you are passive in your communication if you just allow your natural inclinations to rain your feelings to move you along when it comes to how people or how you respond to people who cross you well guess how you’re going to react in angry and evil ways but you were called not to let your natural old ways dominate anymore instead you must in Christ purposefully put on a new mode of thinking and a new style of Engagement according to verse 32 be kind to one another tenderhearted forgiving each other just as God in Christ has also forgiven you now the responses of verse 32 natural toward those who would mistreat you or who get in the way of your fleshly desires absolutely not so what must you do before you are crossed and mistreated and when you are crossed and mistreated you must Purpose By Faith by faith in God’s power faith and with God’s power to act Godly you must go against your flesh you won’t feel like doing this but you must choose to do this you can’t just react the way you always did before in your flesh you must choose to act in accordance with God’s commands you know it’s worth taking time even with your spouse’s help to know what your natural tendencies are in communication and Conflict for example and I feel like I’ve seen this in every marriage counseling situations I’ve seen when some people are mistreated their natural tendency is not to address and work through the issue but just to stop talking withdraw nurse wounds in isolation saying to themselves wo is me to live with such an ungodly unappreciative spouse when other people are mistreated their natural tendency is to confront immediately and aggressively acting like a bulldozer or even a pitbull for Jesus I will not let this go I will not have peace until we settle this even if it takes all night while there may be a Godly seed in part of these responses they ultimately do not conform to the new man made in the image of Christ now I don’t know if it’s the husband or the wife who might be one or the other in all the marriage counseling situations I’ve seen it is either the husband or wife is either a natural retreat or a natural B bulldozzer but whatever your natural tendencies are you cannot just allow yourselves to react that way you must act according to God’s design even purposefully going against your natural tendencies the natural matri retreater must choose to lovingly pursue his sinning spouse whereas the natural B bulldozzer must choose to wait patiently for God’s timing for resolution want a middle ground between those two stances as the biblical place in summary then to fulfill God’s design for communication you must remember two critical clarifications your communication reflects what is happening in your heart you must start there and you are accountable to God for all your communication and then you must Embrace and make habitual God’s rules for Godly communication listen understand speak truth in love keep current attack act the problem not the person and act don’t react questions about what you’ve heard today yeah Mark yeah I just really appreciate the emphasis on the heart and I’m thinking about maybe you could speak to what are some some ways we can can cultivate the right heart you know so for example I think in Colossians 3:12 which was the verse that actually Betty encouraged us to like for our wedding says as those who have been chosen of God put on a heart of compassion kindness humility gentleness all that what are some what are some ways that you found helpful to to cultivate that kind of heart good question what are if if the heart is the most important part of communication and what are some ways to cultivate a Godly heart I think we could give a rather large and expansive answer to that what immediately comes to mind are you must subject yourself to the means of Grace how are we transformed in Heart It ultimately comes from beholding Jesus Christ so you need to be exposing yourself to the word not only in your own study but in the teaching of the word you need to be praying you need to be fellowshipping with Believers allowing them to speak into your lives you need to be serving these are all things that help cultivate your heart in the proper direction but the other thing that comes to mind is you need to pay attention to the evidence in your own life and you need to allow others to speak to the evidence that they see in your life about whether your heart and how your heart is going astray because one thing that will prevent you from cultivating a heart after Christ own is if your heart is already smitten with something else I’ve seen this sometimes in counseling where I want to encourage somebody to to find joy in Christ to entrust themselves to Jesus Christ and it they just won’t seem to do it can’t seem to do it and so I ask myself s what instead has captured this person’s affections because until that false lover is unmasked for being an unsatisfying treasure for being poisonous to that person’s heart and life it’s going to be hard to get that person to see how lovely Jesus Christ is so those are the two things that come immediately to mind I’m sure we could say more other questions yeah Jody I think it was J not a introspection looking up to God that we kind of those things and so not realiz building up all these in our just know that’s me not you’re running around to everybody else but it’s just culating MH yeah so Jody you said a few valuable things there so speaking of means of Grace another way that somebody can speak into your life and even help cultivate a heart after God’s Own is actually to read the words of other Christians read um Godly teaching it maybe from the past or from the present the Puritans are great source but you mentioned that they also very purposefully cultivated a lifestyle of repentance which must be true true for every believer you don’t repent once in the beginning or repent every once in a while when you have a big sin but you know some people sometimes talk about you need to keep short accounts with other people well you need to keep short accounts with God where you are you become aware that you’ve you’re drifting away from him in a certain area or that you sinned against him in a certain area you want to confess it and repent to God and realize that this is probably going to be a very frequent occurrence now some people can go so far as to say well everything I do is sin I’m just constantly sinning and constantly needing to repent because I’m sure that I always I’m I’m never doing right I think that’s that’s going too far God has made you a new creation so you actually can do good but you should expect that a lot of times you’re not going to be fully following with God you’re going to need to be Sanctified in a in a new area so don’t be like I sinned again what a shock no that’s actually expected but you you don’t just stay there you don’t say oh I sinned again well God forgives me thank you Lord you say God I want to put this to death too god wow I see even more I need your grace but you say that you not only forgive but you Empower me to change so with the power of Jesus Christ with Christ in me I’m going to pursue even more now if this thing trip me up I’m GNA get rid of it so yeah it’s a if you are doing that in a characteristic habitual way then it’ll be easier for you to do that with and before your spouse which is very good for cultivating communication and a strong relationship one thing I will mention um it is a another resource for cultivating communication and relationship if you Google something called biblical counseling conference table you will see online some guidelines some written guidelines as to how you can have if you haven’t had good communication in your relationship in a while you can set aside a formal time it could be each day it could be a couple times a week it could be weekly where you just sit and talk for maybe 30 minutes or 45 minutes with your spouse or with a significant other and say let’s talk through some important things that we otherwise never get to talk about and the GU lines will show you different rules about that they have to be as you conference it needs to be according to the rules of Godly communication that you both know about and if one of you starts to violate those rules in the in the conversation the little guidelines can tell you what to do to allow the conversation to continue to be profitable but this is a way of building the Habit that really should exist in all marriages which is open communication regular deep communication about important things so if you find that in your relationship or if you’re trying to counsel somebody who has a relationship that has very poor communication and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever getting off the ground this is a good way to start cultivating this so that’s the biblical counseling conference table you can just Google that did you have something to say mike work well with the assignment for this week it’s you know it’s a good not in general I wish we could communicate better but how can we that is part of loving each other to communicate well so how specifically can we do that yeah yeah absolutely Mike mentioned that with the the assigned homework in terms of how you can love and serve one another some of the specific things that you might write down or you might consider is having to to do with communication is there a way that my wife would like me to communicate or is there a way that I would like my wife to communicate to me or my husband and you can write some of those things down but of course em and I did the homework assignment already and it had an edifying result we were thinking about okay yeah we are doing certain things that we both want each other to do in terms of loving and serving each other but hey there are some new ways that we didn’t know about and we’re glad to do those things you could if you have a proud heart or if you’re not following these rules for Godly communication this H assignment could cause a blowup in your marriage but I I encourage you not to let that happen don’t be like oh I can’t believe she wants me to serve in this way or he wants me to serve in this way just say just listen seek to understand and then practice maybe some follow-up questions the whole idea is cultivating edifying discussion and leading to the enrichment of your marriage relationship if you have further questions or comments please talk to me later in the service I’m going to be heading home and and getting the rest of the family after this but talk to me later in the service or email me next week we will look at God’s design for marital Union which means we’ll be discussing what the Bible has to say about the sexual aspect of marriage and how so talk about that and also how Christians should think about different types of birth control so going to be an important lesson next week let me close our time today in prayer Lord God we want to communicate in a way that reflects your commands but also you Lord Jesus one of the things that you were known for was being a gracious Communicator people were marveling at the gracious words that came from your mouth you are a very understanding Lord you didn’t keep your disciples in the dark about things you were doing you say slaves don’t know but I don’t treat you as slaves I treat you as friends so I’m going to be open with you I’m going to disclose myself to you and he was very patient Jesus you were very patient with your disciples even when they said foolish things when they said inaccurate things they said sinful things but Jesus you didn’t respond with sin you purposed before every conversation and in each conversation to follow the father’s will Jesus we want to follow your design we want to follow your pattern and you are in US Lord Jesus by your spirit so we are confident we can do this but it does mean going against our natural tendencies it does mean setting aside idolatrous desires so God help help us to do this help husbands and wives to do this help those who are not even married but just want to cultivate and are called to cultivate better communication help them to do this and this church so Lord that we might honor you and we might see the Blessed result of it your ways are always good Lord help us to conform to your way in Jesus name amen amen thank you everyone