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Calvary Community Church

Sunday School

Lesson 8: God’s Design for Marital Union

Speaker
David Capoccia

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In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia overviews God’s design for physical intimacy in marriage and then briefly investigates what the Bible has to say regarding birth control.

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Note: This transcript and summary was autogenerated. It has not yet been proofread or edited by a human.

Summary

We are reminded that God’s design for sex in marriage is good, holy, and honorable—not shameful or sinful, but a gift to be stewarded well. This lesson walks through six biblical truths about marital intimacy and then addresses the question of birth control from a scriptural perspective, helping us think carefully about conception, personhood, and Christian freedom.

Key Lessons:

  1. Sex in marriage is God’s idea, declared “very good” before the fall, and should be neither idolized nor treated as dirty or shameful.
  2. The primary goal of sex in marriage is the satisfaction and pleasure of the other spouse, reflecting the “one another” commands of Scripture—not self-seeking demand.
  3. Regular sexual intimacy is a marital responsibility, and withholding it (except by mutual agreement for prayer) exposes spouses to unnecessary temptation.
  4. The Bible permits contraceptive methods that prevent conception, but Christians must avoid methods that may cause abortion, since personhood begins at conception.

Application: We are called to approach the sexual relationship in marriage with the same servant-hearted, Christ-centered love we are called to in every other area of marriage—giving generously, communicating honestly, and stewarding this gift without idolizing it.

Discussion Questions:

  1. In what ways have cultural messages—either over-celebrating or shaming sex—shaped your own view of physical intimacy in marriage?
  2. How does viewing the marriage bed as a place to give rather than receive change the way you think about your responsibilities to your spouse?
  3. How should Christians think through birth control decisions in light of both Christian freedom and the biblical conviction that personhood begins at conception?

Scripture Focus: Genesis 1:28 and 2:25 establish sex as part of God’s good creation. Proverbs 5:15–20 and Song of Solomon celebrate marital pleasure. 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 outlines mutual marital duty and warns against deprivation. Psalm 51:5 affirms personhood at conception, informing the Christian view of birth control.

Outline

Introduction

Thank you for this lesson. Thank you, Lord, for your design for marriage, even the physical aspect of it. I pray, Lord, that we would be equipped by your Word to steward this gift and responsibility that you’ve given to those who are married. In Jesus’ name, amen.

This is now lesson eight in our Sunday school series: Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood. Today’s topic is God’s design for marital union—his design for the physical aspect of the one-flesh companionship relationship that is marriage.

Homework Review

Before we get to that new material, let’s talk about the homework. Last week, your assignment was to write out two lists. You and your significant other: ten specific ways that you would like to love and be served, and ten specific ways you think the other person would like to love and be served. This could include things that you’re already doing.

Then you’re supposed to compare the two lists. You don’t need to share those lists with me, but what was your experience in doing this activity? Mike?

Yeah, it was a good experience to actually write it down. We always have ideas floating in our heads. To write it down—I’m glad to hear it. Good experience, good conversation.

What were you gonna say, Mark?

Yeah, I think we both struggled to find ten. That was a stretch. But it wasn’t always this way. I think our lists were so similar. We tried to be more intentional about talking about some of the tougher issues. In all transparency, that wasn’t always the case.

Betty’s the kind of person that doesn’t have—she’s not high maintenance in that respect. I tell her, “You could demand a lot more from me. Be fine.” It’s just not that way. But I also felt the spiritual battle in it too. Because really talking about it and taking a little bit more time, like it was important and good, but it also felt like spiritual battle. Because I think Satan likes couples to not be communicating so closely.

It’s really an interesting experience.

So Mark, you’re sharing a number of things: maybe it was a little bit difficult to put together a list of ten, but also seeing how much the Lord has grown you and your wife in your marriage so that you’re doing many of those things already, or you’re not requiring so much from the other spouse, are not feeling like you need to do that demanding. But also feeling there’s a little bit of a spiritual battle even to just talk about these things because Satan doesn’t want you communicating.

I think that’s very true.

Stephanie, you gonna say something?

Yeah, first started, and the kindness and understanding—the whole thing just changed. And we just like laugh at each other. That he didn’t want to tell me about, right? Had issue. God to do it. He makes life so wonderful. Amen.

Yeah, what a great testimony! You can feel how this conversation—even something as simple as “How would you like to be served?” or “How would I like to be served?”—can easily become something that descends into an argument and anger against one another. But when you actually purpose—remember one of the principles: act, don’t react. When you purpose to approach it God’s way, then suddenly it not only becomes edifying but even fun and humorous.

Hey, you’re gonna say something?

Us? Yeah, interesting. So first of all, that both you and your wife were saying that if we had done this years ago, when we were less mature as believers, or maybe not even believers, this could easily have turned into a fight. But the Lord has grown you, and you’re purposing to speak together in such a way that this actually turns out to be edifying.

But interesting that you noted that many of the things that your wife requested were related to love, and many things that you requested were related to respect. And that does seem to fit with some of the main exhortations in the scriptures.

Anna, you want to say something?

It was amazing because pretty much all the points were there at the same time. Praise the Lord!

Yeah, so I’m hearing that it was an enjoyable exercise and also one that you can really see how the Lord has worked. Hopefully that was one of the things that you experienced. It wasn’t like everything on the list was too new to you, like, “Wow, I haven’t been doing any of these things.” Hopefully it was more like, “Oh, well, yes, I have been doing some of these things,” or “You’ve been doing some of these things. And thank you so much.”

If we don’t actually take the time to notice that, then it’s easy to become bitter towards your spouse or to feel like your spouse doesn’t do anything kind to you. But then when you actually take time to think about it, you’re like, “Wait, I have so much to be grateful for.” And that’s hopefully a result of this exercise as well.

I’m glad that sounds like it was edifying. That was part of it. Hopefully this is just an encouragement and a push towards a renewed effort at communication and love and service in your marriages and to continue that effort.

“When you purpose to approach it God’s way, it not only becomes edifying but even fun and humorous.”

This Week’s Assignments

Let me talk about your homework assignment for this next week. This homework assignment—if you’ve already seen my email, won’t be too much of a surprise to you—but it has two parts.

One is only for married couples. If you’re married, your assignment this week—or part one of your assignment—is to have an honest and edifying discussion about your sexual relationship. Let’s face it: sex is many times an awkward topic to bring up, even in marriage, even by Christians. But a couple needs to practice good communication when it comes to sex as well.

I want husbands and wives to have a discussion and ask three questions. Number one: How would you describe our life of physical intimacy together? Number two: What do you like about it? And number three: What would you like to see changed or improved?

In this discussion, you will want to practice the five rules for Godly communication that we talked about last time. That’s part one—only for married couples.

Part two is for everyone, and this is the one we’ll go over next time we’re in Sunday school: I’d like you to listen to an episode, or read—there’s a transcript available—listen to an episode of the Truth and Love podcast entitled “Infertility and Miscarriage.” Truth and Love is a Biblical counseling podcast hosted by ACBC, the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. The primary host is Dale Johnson, who’s the executive director of ACBC.

In this particular episode, he has as a guest Pastor Jeremy Prey, who is also a biblical counselor and someone who, with his wife, has experienced the trial of infertility and miscarriage firsthand.

The episode’s about twenty minutes long, but there’s a transcript that you can read if you would rather do that. Listen or read, and then write down five observations or questions so that you can share in our class next time.

“A couple needs to practice good communication when it comes to sex as well.”

Questions about these assignments? Yeah, Mark?

I meant to bring it up last week when we were talking about divorce and all of that. It seemed like there’s an assumption in our society that sexual pleasure is the ultimate kind of pleasure—there’s nothing greater. As believers, that’s not true. It’s hard for us to grasp sometimes. But I was thinking about all the ways that scripture talks about delighting ourselves in the Lord. I just think that’s so important to have in mind: sex is not the ultimate.

He is. Indeed. We’ll say more about that in today’s class. But over time, it’s just hard sometimes—hard to believe that.

Mark is commenting that society, and sometimes Christians too, can think that sex is the ultimate pleasure, the ultimate good. But it’s not actually. The Lord is. And serving the Lord is. Yet sex can be part of that.

Questions though? Okay.

Today’s lesson is on God’s design for marital union—the sexual aspect of marriage. Does the Bible really talk about this? The Bible does talk about sex, and it does so without shame, without prudishness, and without perverseness.

This morning, I want to speak with you about sex in marriage with the same plainness that the Bible does. I will not speak in a way that is sexually explicit or provocative, but I will instead seek to use language that is careful and clear.

I also want to talk to you today about one of the expected results of sexual union—that is, conception—and the related topic of birth control and whether that is an option for Christians. I want to talk to you about these topics not only so that you might be equipped in this area of life and ministry, but also so that you would be able to counsel others to do the same.

These topics often come up in the world, but very seldom in the church. That is an oversight that we need to fix. We don’t want to listen to what the world says. We want to hear what God has to say and his design for marital union.

Just to note: this lesson will obviously be directly relevant for married couples, but it is still good for single adults and probably good for older teens. However, because of the more mature subject matter, parents of younger children should exercise caution before listening to this lesson with them.

“These topics often come up in the world, but very seldom in the church. We want to hear what God has to say.”

God’s Design for Sex

All right. Let’s get into it. Let’s talk first about God’s design for sex. Overviewing the Bible’s teaching, we can discern six truths regarding God’s design for sex.

Truth 1: Sex in Marriage Is Good, Holy, and Honorable

We start with number one: Sex in marriage is good, holy, and honorable.

Most people in the world, including professing Christians, have the wrong view of sex. Many see it as the ultimate good, the highest state of human existence or relationships, and it should be celebrated. It should be talked about openly. It should be pursued with the utmost effort.

Many others, especially religious persons, see sex as evil, or if not evil, dirty, shameful, dangerous—a reality that is to be suppressed and hidden away. Definitely not talked about.

While there are seeds of truth in both these extreme views, neither captures reality as God reveals it in his scriptures. The truth is: from the beginning, God designed sex in marriage as something good, holy, honorable. Sex was not Satan’s idea. It was God’s idea.

After all, what did God tell the first husband and wife in Genesis 1:28? “God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.’” Remember what we saw previously: that word is not so much a command as it is a blessing and commendation. God telling that first couple, “Have at it! May your sexual union be so bountiful that you fill the earth!”

Furthermore, Genesis 2:25 tells us: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Why should they have been? There was nothing about their physical relationship that was dishonorable—not even in their being naked together and desiring each other. The same is true in married couples today who follow Adam and Eve’s pattern.

If these verses are not proof enough, we also have Genesis 1:31—God’s analysis at the end of his six days of creation. “God saw all that he had made, and behold, it was very good.”

What’s included in that assessment of a very good creation? Sex in marriage. And all this, notice, before the fall in Genesis 3. So then, far from being categorized as sinful or shameful, sex, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure in marriage were designated from the beginning by God as very good, pleasing to him.

“Sex was not Satan’s idea. It was God’s idea.”

But notice that I keep saying “sex in marriage,” because that marriage component is key. Sex itself is not dirty or sinful, but sex outside of marriage—outside of God’s original design—that is what is not good, that is not holy, that is not honorable.

Hebrews 13:4 emphasizes this distinction: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled, for fornicators—literally, the sexually immoral—and adulterers, God will judge.”

For reasons we have already seen in this course, God loves marriage as he designed it. That means God loves sex as he designed it. It is a gift to be received and enjoyed in marriage. But this also means that God absolutely hates whatever distorts and violates his good design.

God says in Hebrews 13:4 that those who refuse to honor marriage and instead defile the marriage bed—whether by fornication, adultery, or some other sexual sin—they will come under God’s condemnation and judgment.

Many people in the world say, “Love is love. And if a certain type of sex is consensual and no one is hurt, why condemn it?” But God says, “You dishonor me. You dishonor my original design for marriage. You dishonor the picture that it was meant to create and point to of Christ in the church. When you pursue sex outside of the marriage bed, I will not let you get away with it.”

For this reason, Ephesians 5:5 says that no sexually immoral person will inherit the kingdom of God. Romans 1:24 and 1 Corinthians 6:18 emphasize that sexually immoral persons uniquely degrade and violate themselves by their sin. There’s a feeling of deep uncleanness that often accompanies the act of sexual immorality.

We can therefore understand that with so much sexual sin around us today, and even sexual sin in our own pasts, some Christians will be inclined to see that sex itself—not just sexual sin—is dirty and degrading. But we need to have our minds washed, need to have our minds retrained by God’s word.

God forgives and cleanses from sexual sin. Sex is not evil. It is not dirty. It is not dishonorable. Sex in marriage is good, holy, and honorable. That is the first truth.

“Sex in marriage is good, holy, and honorable.”

Truth 2: Pleasure in Sex Is Assured and Encouraged

But not only that—number two: Pleasure in sex is not sinful and forbidden, but assured and encouraged.

I told you before in another lesson that some Christians in church history have acknowledged that sex in marriage is good but have nonetheless maintained that sexual desire is bad and that sexual pleasure is dangerous. Therefore, they would teach that Christians should try to limit sexual desire and pleasure and just focus on using sex for procreation. But this is not what the Bible teaches.

I want you to see this yourself. Please take your Bibles and go to Proverbs 5.

If you’re familiar with this passage, you will recall that Proverbs 5 is written as an appeal from a father to his son to beware falling into sexual immorality. But after spending verses 1 to 14 of this chapter warning his son about the terrible cost of sexual sin, the speaker then switches in verses 15 and 19 to exhort his son to find sexual pleasure in a God-given wife.

You’ll see in verse 15, the father says: “Drink water from your own unique well, from your own special spring.” That is, let your spouse—the one specially provided for you by God—let your spouse be your exclusive and special source of sexual refreshment.

Verse 18: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.” That is to say, bless your spouse by choosing to enjoy her and only her.

Verse 19 is most striking: “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times. Be exhilarated always with her love.”

How much more direct can a father be? “Son, enjoy your wife’s body. Find satisfaction in her breasts at all times. More than that, be exhilarated always with her love.”

The father says not just her body, but her love. Her beauty will eventually fade. The novelty of sex will eventually wear off and transform. But your committed love—that can deepen, that can mature. Let her love for you, expressed in sexual intimacy, always exhilarate you.

The phrase “be exhilarated” could also be translated from the Hebrew “be intoxicated,” or even more literally, “be led astray.” So far from limiting the sexual enjoyment of one spouse, God commends the full enjoyment, even to the point of staggering, getting drunk on your spouse’s sexual love.

And far from it being dangerous to pursue this, God says it would be dangerous not to. For look at verse 20: “For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner?”

You see the connection between verse 19 and verse 20. The father tells his son, “There should be no reason for you to seek out some other woman’s body and breasts or to seek to be made drunk and led astray by an immoral woman’s sexual love. Why? Because God has already provided all that for you in your spouse by marriage.”

This is spoken as if from a father to a son, but the encouragement and the exhortation apply equally to both husbands and wives. Wisdom asks you. God asks you from Proverbs: “How would you rather be led astray? By the sexual love of your spouse, leading to her blessing, your blessing, and God’s honor? Or by the sexual love of an immoral person, leading to your own ruin and God’s judgment?”

“God commends the full enjoyment of one’s spouse, even to the point of staggering—getting drunk on your spouse’s sexual love.”

If Proverbs 5 were not enough to prove to us that God commends the enjoyment of pleasure in sex, we could just read the whole Old Testament book of Song of Solomon. Long misinterpreted merely as an allegory of the love relationship of Christ in the church, the Song of Songs is actually a celebration of marital love, including its sexual aspect.

The song is filled with poetic words of husband and wife describing how thrilled they are with each other’s bodies and their sexual love expressed to one another. When Song of Solomon 5:1 metaphorically describes the consummation of their love in the marriage bed, what is the refrain from the chorus indicating God’s own attitude?

Song of Solomon 5:1: “Eat, friends. Drink and imbibe deeply, oh lovers.”

Now, someone might ask, “Does that mean that God designed sex so that I might pursue my own satisfaction?”

Song of Solomon 5:1: “Eat, friends. Drink and imbibe deeply, oh lovers.”

Truth 3: The Primary Goal Is the Satisfaction of the Other Spouse

Here’s where we need truth number three: The primary goal and responsibility in sex is the satisfaction of the other spouse.

I’d like to take you to another passage. Please take your Bibles and go to 1 Corinthians 7:3-4.

We’ve been here a little bit recently. Paul discusses in this chapter the advantages of the single life over the married life. But to those that God has given the gift of marriage and not the gift of singleness, Paul reminds those married persons of their marital responsibilities.

And we see one of those basic responsibilities—the mutual protection from sexual immorality—further described in verses 3 and 4 of this chapter.

So 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, Paul writes: “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise also, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

At first glance, these verses might be counterintuitive. “What do you mean I don’t have authority over my own body? It’s my own body!” But Paul says, “Not when it comes to the marriage bed. Your body is not for you. It’s for your spouse. Indeed, your spouse has a greater claim of authority over your body than you do.”

Therefore, you must not deprive one another of sexual satisfaction or merely seek your own. Instead, you are to come together often for each other’s sakes. And when you do, the husband is to seek above all to satisfy his wife, and the wife is to seek above all to satisfy her husband.

Consider how different this Christian mindset is to the world’s mindset for sex. The world teaches you that sex is all about you—all about obtaining pleasure for yourself. This is the fundamental lie behind pornography and masturbation. But God says sex is all about your spouse and giving your spouse pleasure.

Wait a second, you might say. Does 1 Corinthians 7 contradict Proverbs 5, which we just looked at? Proverbs 5 encourages a husband by asserting that he will find sexual satisfaction for himself in his wife’s love. Is this a contradiction?

It is not. For the Proverbs 5 husband realizes that though his primary goal in sex is his wife’s pleasure, he will also receive pleasure for himself as a secondary benefit. Indeed, in God’s desire, the greatest joy of sex is not in the receiving but in the giving.

So much so that Christians should be willing to give sexual satisfaction to their spouses even when that spouse is unable or unwilling to give sexual satisfaction in return.

You see, the marriage bed is just another place where Christians are to practice the “one another” commands of the Bible. Even specific verses like John 15:12—Jesus speaking: “Love one another just as I have loved you.” Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” And Acts 20:35: “Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

The fundamental callings of husband and wife, which we’ve looked at together over the past weeks, they also apply to the sexual relationship. The wife is to be a helper, a submitter to, and an honor of her husband in the marriage bed. And the husband is to be a self-sacrificing leader, learner, and lover of his wife in the marriage bed.

Really, there should be continuity between how a husband and a wife behave both in and out of the bedroom. And when there are problems in the sexual relationship, these usually reflect problems in the relationship as a whole—especially selfishness, anger, and unforgiveness.

So practical tip: If you want to improve your physical intimacy, obey the Lord Jesus Christ and love your spouse in every area of life. And don’t be so foolish as to try to use 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 to pressure or demand sex from your spouse. “Hey, God said that your body belongs to me, so come on now. Don’t be selfish.”

In expressing your neediness for sex in this way, you not only expose your own greedy, idolatrous heart, but you also betray that you don’t understand what sex is all about. Sex is about giving for the other’s satisfaction, not about taking or demanding for oneself.

And the irony is: the one who is more concerned about pleasing the other rather than himself is usually the one who, in the end, turns out to be the most pleased and satisfied. This is the wisdom of God at work once again. “He who exalts himself will be humbled. He who humbles himself will be exalted.” It’s true in the marriage bed as well.

“In God’s design, the greatest joy of sex is not in the receiving but in the giving.”

Truth 4: Sex Should Be Regular and Continuous

Now, all that being said, the next verse in 1 Corinthians 7:5 gives us a balancing truth regarding God’s design for sex. That is number four: Sex in marriage should be regular and continuous.

Look at 1 Corinthians 7:5: “Stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Note that in this verse, Paul expressly forbids married couples who are otherwise able from withholding sexual satisfaction from one another except in very particular circumstances—namely, when there’s mutual agreement to abstain for an agreed-upon short period of time for the purpose of fasting and prayer, probably due to some crisis situation. That is the only exception.

Otherwise, Paul commands spouses not to abstain from one another and thereby expose one another to greater temptation from Satan as he attacks self-control.

Now, that principle is pretty clear. But how should it work out specifically with you and your spouse? Every couple is different. Every life situation is different.

There is no one-size-fits-all rule. Each Christian couple will need humbly and lovingly to work out a frequency of sex that is agreeable to both the husband and wife.

Typically, men desire more sexual satisfaction than women do. But whatever is true of your relationship, the spouse who desires less is to prioritize meeting the desires of the spouse who desires more—perhaps by rearranging her schedule, removing certain activities and responsibilities that otherwise leave no time for sex or that leave the spouse physically exhausted.

Meanwhile, the spouse who desires more needs to learn contentment and thankfulness as he seeks to be considerate of the spouse who desires less—perhaps even by seeking to help with situations or responsibilities that make the other spouse less able or less inclined to come together for sex.

The key here is generosity. Spouses should not be asking how little they can do for the other person, but how much. Don’t use sex as a bargaining chip. That’s sinful.

Instead, in love, offer yourself freely and enthusiastically to your spouse as much as possible. Get to the point where your spouse says, “No, no, no. I’m okay. You’ve provided so much already.” Be aggressive even in seeking to minister to your spouse in this basic but important way.

Above all, the spouse who desires more than is given must not use his situation as an excuse for sexual sin or for suddenly threatening sexual sin unless the other spouse gives more. Not only would doing this be selfish and evil, but it will likely backfire. Spouses do not appreciate being treated like sexual objects.

God is sovereign over your spouse and the amount of sex that your spouse provides you. God has promised to provide everything that you truly need. He will never put you into a situation in which you are tempted beyond what you are able to bear.

But with each temptation, what does 1 Corinthians 10:13 say? He will give you grace to endure. He will provide the way of escape through faith.

Do not turn to lust. Do not turn to adultery. Do not turn to self-stimulation because your spouse is unavailable. Those are all sin. Instead, fulfill your marriage covenant. Keep your vows. Wait on God’s provision for you through your spouse.

“Spouses should not be asking how little they can do for the other person, but how much.”

We have two more truths to cover in God’s design for sex.

Truth 5: God Gives Freedom with Clear Safeguards

Number five: God gives great freedom but also clear safeguards as to what is permitted in the sexual relationship.

Many Christians wonder, “Is this particular thing or that particular thing allowed in our sex?”

God does not lay out a specific list in the Bible of what is and what is not permitted. But he does give principles for holy living, which we should also apply to the sexual relationship, and that will show us what is definitely off limits.

These principles include—I’ve got four of them:

Do not do anything that violates your or your spouse’s conscience. That’s Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 10.

Do not do anything that is unwelcome, hurtful, or dangerous to either spouse. Galatians 5:14 and other places.

Beware especially of trying to imitate something you saw in a movie once or that you even saw in pornography, because those are not good or realistic sources of sexual education.

Do not do anything that constitutes sin or the imitation of sin. 1 Corinthians 10:6. Love doesn’t rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. For example, do not watch pornography together with your spouse and thus invite adulterous partners into the marriage bed with you.

Do not do anything that will prove ultimately unhelpful to your relationship. 1 Corinthians 6:12 says, “All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable.” For example, it is unwise to use artificial stimulation devices in your sex, since, first of all, this will train a spouse to seek sexual satisfaction outside of the other spouse. And, second of all, these artificial stimulants might provide such a level of stimulation that cannot be reproduced naturally, that it will handicap the long-term enjoyment of the relationship.

There are biblical principles for holiness that you should apply to the sexual relationship. But beyond those clear guardrails, do what the Bible teaches about what is permitted. A couple is free to do whatever they want with thankfulness to the glory of God.

Do you realize that with the right mindset and within the proper boundaries we just described, sex in marriage is obedient worship to God? 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” That includes sex in marriage.

Furthermore, variation, experimentation, learning—they are part of the goodness of God’s design for sex. In Song of Solomon 7:13, the bride states that she has stored up fruits both new and old to share with her beloved. Christian husband and wife should seek to do the same for each other.

“With the right mindset and within proper boundaries, sex in marriage is obedient worship to God.”

Truth 6: Sex Is Not the Ultimate Good

But there’s one more important truth regarding God’s design for sex that needs to be mentioned. That’s number six: Sex is not the ultimate good of life or of marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sex is an important part of marriage, but it’s not the most important part. After all, what was the original impetus for marriage back in Genesis 2:18, which we’ve looked at? Man lacked a suitable companion and helper—not merely a sexual partner.

The sexual relationship is part of that intimate companionship relationship, but it’s only a part. If, in God’s promise or providence, the sexual component of marriage is taken away due to illness, injury, long-term separation—perhaps a spouse is imprisoned—is the marriage done for? Should the husband and wife divorce due to the lack of sex? No.

Because husband and wife covenanted as one, companions in every aspect of life, not just the sexual one. In other words, sex cannot be seen as the glue that holds a marriage together. The holy commitment of love before God is the true glue.

Furthermore, though the sexual aspect of the marriage relationship is a gift for the husband and wife to enjoy together, it is—we must confess—a vaporous gift. Sex will not bring ultimate satisfaction or lasting benefit or lasting ultimate profit. Rather, sex will frequently fall short of the ideal. It will disappoint. It will be hard to fully understand. It will ultimately fade away.

Even in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul reminds married believers that their hearts cannot ultimately be focused on marriage or the sexual aspect of marriage. If you look down to verse 29 and verse 31 in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul says: “But this I say, brethren: the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none.” Verse 31: “And those who use the world as though they did not make full use of it, for the form of this world is passing away.”

To live is not sex. It is not even married sex. To live is Christ. Philippians 1:21.

And there will be no sex in heaven or in the eternal state. Jesus says in Matthew 22:30: “Why? Because the greater joy of what sex pictures will finally have arrived—dwelling in unfathomable, unfathomable delight with the Son of God forever.”

Therefore, even as a married person, do not idolize sex. Do not expect too much from it. Steward it well before God. It is a good gift, but it is only a little gift, and it is quickly passing away.

“Sex cannot be seen as the glue that holds a marriage together. The holy commitment of love before God is the true glue.”

Birth Control and the Bible

That’s all we’ll say about the design of God for sex this morning. With the time that we have left, we must briefly discuss a matter related to God’s design for sex: birth control.

What is birth control, also known as contraception? Birth control is the use of any method, medicine, device, or surgery to prevent pregnancy.

There are many opinions in wider Christianity as to whether birth control, or certain kinds of birth control, are permissible. Some say no method of birth control is permissible. Some say all methods of birth control are permissible. And some say only certain kinds are permissible.

What does the Bible actually say?

Biblical Principles on Conception and Children

Well, let’s collect relevant principles from certain passages of scripture.

Genesis 1:28 does indicate that God’s design from the beginning was that men and women would get married and have children to fill the earth with more image bearers and under-rulers of God. Notably, that commendation in Genesis 1:28 is repeated to Noah and his family in Genesis 9:1.

Furthermore, Malachi 2:15 seems to indicate—the Hebrew text is a bit unclear—that either God or a godly person seeks godly offspring, ostensibly from married couples.

Finally, Psalm 127:3 and 5 and other scriptures present children as a gift, a reward, a blessing from Yahweh himself. “How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”

Psalm 127:3, 5: “”How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” — Psalm 127:5″

The Fall and Childbearing

However, after sin entered the world in the fall of Genesis 3, God declared to the woman an important change in the reality of bearing and raising children. The first part of Genesis 3:16 reads in the New American Standard 95 version:

Genesis 3:16: “To the woman he said, ‘I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children.’”

Intriguingly, a more literal rendering of the Hebrew reads—and you’ll see something similar if you have the Legacy Standard Bible—”I will greatly multiply your pain and conception. In pain you will beget sons.”

Now, two observations are worth making on that more literal rendering.

One: Note that the curse is on conception and pregnancy and not strictly childbirth. But conception is not painful usually. This indicates that God foretold pain not just in the mother’s labor and delivery but in the whole process—the process leading up to and even after a child is born.

Many wives can testify to the pain and sorrow that now, because of sin, accompanies infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, childbirth, child mortality, and a child growing up even to be a fool.

Number two: The Hebrew could indicate that multiplied conception—that is, multiplied pregnancies—is part of the curse foretold to the woman. How could that be?

Well, the idea would be, if this is true, that now that death was in the world, God was forced to speed up the apparently originally slow process of ovulation in women so that mothers could have as many children as possible as quickly as possible. This would be to make up for many children who would die young and to make up for the fact that many mothers would die young, dying in childbirth or dying by some other means in a sin-cursed world.

It’s hard to imagine for us today, but for most of Earth’s history—and you can double-check this online—up to the mid-twentieth century, fifty percent of children born did not live past age six. And that’s to say nothing of miscarriages.

Meanwhile, historians today estimate that in the ancient world, one in four women—about thirty percent—died in childbirth. That is a lot of death associated with bearing children.

If nothing else, we should thank the Lord for modern medicine, which has dramatically reduced these statistics in developed nations. I think it’s like less than one percent of children don’t reach age six now.

To finish the idea though: the Hebrew of Genesis 3:16 could be indicating that God was mercifully preserving the human race through multiplied conception while at the same time cursing the woman with that same reality. The wife now had to look forward to relentless, difficult pregnancies and births that would often end in the death of the child or even her own death.

Now, I say “could be” because while the Hebrew literally says “multiply pain and conception,” as if these are two different curses or two different aspects of one curse, this could be an example of something in language called hendiadys, which is a situation where two different words are used to convey one idea.

We see hendiadys actually in English with phrases like “good and angry” and “nice and hot.” If someone tells you he got good and angry, he’s not saying that he became good and separately angry. He got goodly angry. That is, he got very angry, angry to a considerable extent.

Or if someone says that a cup of tea is nice and hot, he’s not saying that the tea is both nice and separately hot. The tea is nicely hot or hotly nice—the tea is nice because it is hot. That’s hendiadys.

Hebrew also does this. I can give you clear examples in some parts of the Bible. But I’m worried about time, so I’m not going to do that right now.

But Genesis 3:16 could be an example of hendiadys. It might be intended to mean not “multiplied pain and conception” separately, but a combined idea such as “multiplied conception pain” or, as most translations have it, “multiplied pain in conception” or “multiplied pain in childbirth.” This is the way most translations of the Bible render this verse. This is the way that most commentators believe is the proper way to render this verse—one idea, not two.

But you can see the argument for both sides. We have the literal Hebrew. We have the possibility of hendiadys.

So while Genesis 3:16 may indicate that multiplied conception is part of the curse, Genesis 3:16 certainly indicates that pain and even death are now part of childbearing, unlike they were in Genesis 1:28.

“God foretold pain not just in labor and delivery but in the whole process—infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, childbirth, and child mortality.”

One other set of verses that is relevant to this question are those in Matthew 19:10-12 and 1 Corinthians 7, where Jesus and Paul both teach that whoever can accept permanent singleness for the sake of avoiding marital trouble and serving God should do so.

This is striking because this is a radical departure from Genesis 1:28, which seems like a mandate that expects everyone who can to get married and have children.

What the Bible Permits Regarding Birth Control

How does all this teach us to answer the question on birth control?

The answer is that the Bible does permit some types of birth control. Though God’s design from the beginning was that married couples should be blessed with children, the fall and the subsequent brokenness of the world has complicated this design.

Just as God’s word originally to “subdue the earth” did not mean that one farmer should therefore plow every field that he could find, but only so much land as he needed, desired, and could maintain, in the same way, God’s words to “fill the earth” does not mean that every couple should necessarily have as many children as physically possible whenever possible. Rather, they can, if they wish, decide those questions according to their needs, desires, and the ability to nourish and disciple those children.

Significantly, the Bible assumes that all married couples will have children unless prevented by the Lord’s closing the womb or some other great physical limitation. This assumption is partly due to the fact that despite the hardships and risks, most husbands and wives in the ancient world and throughout time have wanted children.

But even more basically, this assumption is due to the fact that, as far as we can tell, there were no effective methods of contraception in the ancient world beyond abstinence. And as we’ve already seen, the Bible forbids abstinence to married couples.

Back then, whether or not you wanted kids at a certain time was not even a question that you could decide. In getting married, you simply had to be ready for any number of kids at any time.

But one of the great differences between that society and ours—indeed, this is a very unique aspect to the area in which we live—is that there is, in many places, ready access to effective contraception. So couples can now work through decisions that were completely out of their hands before.

“Oh, but you shouldn’t try to mitigate the effects of God’s curse on the woman,” someone might say.

We see no problem with doing so in other aspects of the curse on men and women. Despite the curse on the ground, we feel fine about using fertilizer and pesticides to overcome the curse and raise crops.

“Oh, but you shouldn’t try to interfere with a natural process that is superintended by God’s sovereignty.”

That also is silly. For God expects us in his word to act and use wisdom even with natural processes. For example, we are not fatalistic when someone becomes sick, but we legitimately seek and use medicine.

God has proven with the experiences of our brothers and sisters in the Bible that he is able to provide perfectly for his people even when modern medicine and contraception are unavailable. Our ancient brethren perhaps had to accept an increased load of suffering and even death, but God was still faithful to them, and they did indeed get to enjoy the true blessing that is his children.

Therefore, if your conviction is that you do not wish to prevent any pregnancies but instead leave it up to God as to when and how many children he gives you, that is perfectly fine. That is legitimate.

But be careful not to judge your brethren. Do not judge your brethren who do not have that same conviction and prefer to manage the timing and number of children. Do not say in your heart, “They lack faith,” or “They must not believe that children are a reward.” You don’t know that. They simply may be exercising a legitimate option for managing life in this cursed world that you have not chosen.

Meanwhile, those who do use birth control must be careful not to judge those who do not. “Look at all those kids. Feel sorry for the wife. They must be legalists.” You don’t know that. They may simply have a different conviction than you do.

As Paul says in Romans 14: “Let each person be convinced in his own mind and give thanks to God.”

“God’s call to ‘fill the earth’ does not mean every couple must have as many children as possible, but they can decide according to their needs and ability.”

Now, might a couple legitimately choose never to have children? That’s a tricky question to answer.

Many Christian teachers who otherwise would approve of birth control in certain situations would say no to this question. A couple should always be open to life at some point. Certainly, a choice never to have children goes against many biblical expectations and promises regarding children—except perhaps Jesus and Paul’s words regarding the benefits of singleness.

Pastor John Piper has advanced the argument that just as someone might choose singleness for the sake of undistracted service to Christ, by the same principle, a Christian couple might choose childlessness for the sake of less distracted service to Christ and others. You obviously don’t see this kind of choice mentioned in the Bible because it wasn’t possible. But with modern birth control, the choice is possible now.

I still wrestle with this question, but I think Piper’s argument is worth considering.

Nevertheless, if you ever encounter this situation in your own marriage or with a couple who says they never want to have kids—maybe you’re giving them counsel—you would do well to find out why. Why don’t they want kids? The answer may be very revealing.

Abortifacient Methods and Personhood at Conception

Now, I’ve been saying that the Bible permits some methods of birth control. Why not all?

That is because not all methods—not all modern methods of birth control—are truly contraception. Some of them don’t merely prevent pregnancy but may actually cause abortions. They are, in fact, abortifacient.

We don’t have time to get into the full justification as to why this is so concerning. But the Bible does make clear: personhood begins from the moment of conception. From the moment that a man’s sperm fertilizes a woman’s egg, a new person has been created, and that person deserves protection.

For example, David writes in Psalm 51:5: “In sin my mother conceived me.”

This is not indicating that David was born as a result of sexual sin, but rather, from his conception, he had—he confesses—a sin nature. That is only possible if David was a person at conception. You cannot be a sinner if you are not a person.

That’s just one example from the scriptures.

Therefore, any birth control method that attempts to interrupt a bona fide pregnancy—such as by preventing an embryo from implanting on the uterine wall or by forcing the uterine lining to shed—these potentially destroy a child and should not be used by Christians.

Such methods include IUDs (intrauterine devices) and the morning-after pill or patch.

By the way, this is where the great problem in IVF (in vitro fertilization) appears. This has been in the news recently because typically, those providing IVF—these doctors—they fertilize many eggs and plant a few and then destroy the rest.

In recent years, the birth control pill—a combined daily dose of estrogen and progesterone designed to prevent ovulation—has come under increased scrutiny for also potentially having an abortive effect. Some people say, “Oh, this could cause an abortion.” Other people say, “No, no, it doesn’t. You’re just exaggerating things.” The debate over that drug continues.

But until it’s resolved, Christians should err on the side of caution. If you learn that a particular method may cause an abortion, you should stay away from it.

The only birth control methods Christians may use are those that prevent conception, not cause abortion.

“From the moment a man’s sperm fertilizes a woman’s egg, a new person has been created, and that person deserves protection.”

Now, if you’re part of the Sunday school class list, you receive by email a list of the most common birth control options with a description of what they are and whether they really are a biblical option for Christians.

I’m sure you have some comments or questions about what you’ve heard today. But we’re pretty much out of time. Please come talk to me afterwards or send me an email.

“The only birth control methods Christians may use are those that prevent conception, not cause abortion.”

Looking Ahead

Next time, we start talking further about the blessing that is children because we’re going to examine God’s design for parenting.

“Next time, we examine God’s design for parenting—the blessing that children are.”

Let me end our time with prayer.

Today, Lord, we’ve covered a lot of things—some wonderful realities, some sobering realities. Lord, your design for marriage, your design for sex and marriage, is very good. But, Lord, it is to be a place of ministry, not demand and idolatry.

I pray, Lord, that for every couple in this church, you would bless their physical intimacy. And, Lord, even with the homework assignment, that as communication happens, that would be a place where intimacy improves. But not merely communication about what one or what the other does or does not like in sex, but communication about the whole relationship.

Where are the foxes in the vineyard that are spoiling our love? And I pray that you would show couples in this church so that those might be removed and so that they can enjoy—not the ultimate gift. Sex is not the ultimate gift. But they might enjoy this little passing gift as part of your kindness in this world.

Lord, we also think about children. Children are indeed a blessing. Thank you so much that the human race didn’t end with Adam and Eve, but, Lord, you have granted children to so many of your people.

And yet, God, we are aware that many, many trials come with just seeking children and getting pregnant or having a child, raising a child well. Sometimes the sorrow associated with children is more than anything else in this life.

Lord, I pray that you would give all parents wisdom but also comfort in you. You indeed were speaking true, Jesus, when you said, “In this world you will have tribulation, but take comfort. I have overcome the world.”

Jesus, in the end, you are the ultimate. You are our gift. You are better than children. You are better than marriage. You are better than sex. If you take all those other things away, God, then with Job we say, “The Lord gave. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

God, I pray that whatever you’ve chosen to do in marriage and parenting situations, that your people would be content in Jesus Christ. They would love Jesus Christ, and they would be committed to following him, whatever the cost.

And, Lord, in so doing, fill your people with joy and peace, for that is your design.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Amen. Thank you, everyone.

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