Sundays: 10:30 AM Worship Service

Watch Live

|

Contact

|

App

|

Summer schedule: 9AM Sunday School, 10AM refreshments, and church fellowship meals take a break in July & August. Please join us for Worship Service, which is still held every Sunday at 10:30 AM!
Calvary Community Church

Sunday School

Lesson 9: God’s Design for Parenting, Part 1

Speaker
David Capoccia

Listen to Audio Save MP3
Reading Tools:

Aa

In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia introduces the topic of God’s design for parenting and then overviews seven aspects of God’s design for parenting.

Auto Transcript

Note: This transcript and summary was autogenerated. It has not yet been proofread or edited by a human.

Summary

We are reminded that God’s design for parenting is both a high calling and a profound blessing—when pursued according to Scripture. Children are not burdens but gifts, and the world’s cynicism toward parenting often reflects a failure to follow God’s design rather than a flaw in the design itself.

Key Lessons:

  1. Fathers bear ultimate responsibility for parenting, setting the agenda for the family team, while mothers carry much of the day-to-day work—both roles are essential and complementary.
  2. Biblical parenting requires both *paideia* (discipline: formative, structural, and corrective) and *nouthesia* (instruction/counseling), aimed at the child’s heart, not just outward behavior.
  3. The rod is affirmed throughout Proverbs as a loving and effective form of corrective discipline—not cruelty—and parents must not let cultural psychology override the clear teaching of Scripture.
  4. Starting early, parenting diligently, and maintaining marital harmony are all critical to giving children the best foundation for wisdom and faith.

Application: We are called to parent intentionally and faithfully—applying God’s word rather than cultural standards, disciplining and instructing our children from the heart, and refusing to judge ourselves or others by standards that go beyond Scripture.

Discussion Questions:

  1. In what ways might you be tempted to go beyond (or fall short of) what Scripture actually requires in parenting—and how does that affect your joy as a parent?
  2. How does understanding your child’s sinful nature from birth change the way you approach discipline and instruction?
  3. What is one practical step you can take this week to better align your parenting (or future parenting) with God’s design as laid out in Ephesians 6:4?

Scripture Focus: Ephesians 6:4 serves as the central text, unpacking both the call to discipline (*paideia*) and instruction (*nouthesia*) in the Lord. Proverbs 22:15, 13:24, 23:13–14, 22:6, and 29:15 address the rod and early training. Colossians 3:21 and Hebrews 12:6 reinforce the themes of not provoking children and embracing God’s model of loving discipline.

Outline

Introduction

Well, good morning, good morning. Welcome to Sunday school. Let’s pray and ask the Lord’s blessing on this time.

Heavenly Father, you are good in all ways, and your design for children and parenting is good. Help me to be able to explain it well in Jesus’ name, amen.

We are in lesson nine of our Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood class. We’ve spent the majority of our series thus far focusing on marriage, but today we talk about parenthood.

But before we do that, let’s go over your homework.

Last week I gave you two assignments. If you’re married, you are first to have an honest and edifying conversation about your life of physical intimacy together with your spouse.

So have that conversation with your spouse. I hope you did that. I hope the results were positive if you’re married.

Homework Review: Infertility and Miscarriage

But second, this is the assignment I’ll go over now. I assigned you to read or listen to an episode of the Truth and Love podcast entitled “Infertility and Miscarriage,” and then write down five observations or questions to share. What were your questions or observations?

Magna made a point in particular with infertility and miscarriage, but anything that involves tragedy, anything that involves real vulnerability, pain, and sadness. You want to seek to understand your counselee. Even communicate that you seek to understand your counselee rather than you merely want to be understood by your counselee.

Magna is pointing out that this should be our rule for all of counseling. That’s just kindness. That’s just loving communication. But it’s certainly extra important when you’re dealing with somebody who’s really been pained by an issue for a long time.

What else? That’s also really valuable. Host made a point along the same lines, noting how the author Jeremy Prey talks about: don’t rush to give counsel. Listen first and lament with them. That’s something that we need to get used to both as Christians and as counselors.

Before you offer the comfort or before you offer correction, it is appropriate for you to lament with that person about the vapor-like nature of life, the tragedies that in his God’s mysterious sovereignty has brought about in their lives. Because that’s what you see in the scriptures.

We don’t just say, “Oh, God works all things together for good, so you shouldn’t worry about it.” That’s a comfort that you do want to help them appreciate. But don’t ignore the fact that this world is broken and they’re experiencing that. That’s a way to really build involvement—to use the term we used from the beginning of our course—to build the bond between you and your counselee and make the rest of the counseling more effective.

“Before you offer comfort or correction, it is appropriate to lament with that person about the vapor-like nature of life.”

What else? Mark lines. I noticed he used Psalm 13 to pray through and work through together in their lament.

Lord, I really love how he focused on: we need to go to the Lord and point to him rather than human opinion. Along with that, what did he say? He said we had a very tight grip on our plans, and notice how functionally we’re not submitting them to God’s sovereignty. You can kind of theoretically believe in God’s sovereignty, but this was a way to really live it out and to humbly submit to God’s plans for that.

It’s almost like a continuation of what Magna and Host said, but Mark bringing out the fact that ultimately you want to even early on point them to God. Don’t point them to, “Oh, your circumstances might change,” or “God will surely give you a child now.” You can’t promise those things, and that’s ultimately where you don’t want their hope to be. You want their hope to be in God.

Even as you listen and as you lament with them, point them to their God. Then it’s appropriate for you to work out the comfort of God’s sovereignty, but also the correction of God’s sovereignty. You eventually want them to see: you have been holding too tightly to your plans.

That’s why this is so devastating to you. But you can’t say that right at the beginning without those other things, because you’ll just come off as unfeeling and as not really understanding their situation. But you do need to get them there so that they can rest in God’s sovereignty and say, “Yes, whatever my Lord ordains is right.”

“Even as you listen and lament with them, point them to their God.”

These are all good. I hope that homework assignment was beneficial to you. Don’t forget, even as much as in this course or in this church we celebrate marriage, we celebrate parenting, we celebrate the addition of children into this world, infertility and miscarriage is a pretty common issue. But it’s not one that people talk about because it’s so vulnerable, it’s so private.

You want to be sensitive to that. I’m not saying that you need to walk on eggshells and be afraid of offending people, but you got to remember that this is an issue and that mothers or wives in the church may be dealing with that. You want to show compassion towards them. And not just the wives, but the husbands as well.

Upcoming Homework: Shepherding a Child’s Heart

That was your homework assignment from last week. Let me talk about the homework assignment for this upcoming week briefly. I have another piece of reading for you to do. We’re talking about parenting now, and this is going to have a lot to do with something we talk about today.

Your homework assignment is to read a chapter from this book, “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Ted Tripp. The chapter is called “Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod.” Write down five observations or questions that you have.

Ted Tripp—you haven’t heard of him before? He’s a pastor, biblical counselor, and Christian author. His book “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” was one of my favorite books from seminary. Part of the reason is because he applies many of the foundational biblical counseling concepts to parenting, and it’s very, very helpful.

The reading is about 16 pages. Because I scanned my copy, there are some notes and highlights in there. Just please overlook those. Do the reading for yourself, and then prepare five observations and questions to share.

“Shepherding a Child’s Heart applies many foundational biblical counseling concepts to parenting—and it’s very, very helpful.”

Questions about that assignment? Dwayne? We do have some copies of “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” in the booknook, the lending library. We also have some DVD versions of it. That can also be an extended benefit to you, not just reading this chapter.

Why the World Rejects Children as a Blessing

Other questions? Okay, well, today we are talking about God’s design for parenting. We saw briefly in our discussion about God’s design for marital union last week that the Bible’s expectation is that couples will want children, they will then have children, and then they will enjoy those children as blessings from the Lord.

Yes, such is increasingly not the case in our society. Indeed, in many advanced societies around the world, many couples do not want children. They do not choose to have children. Or if they do end up having children, they speak of their children as being more of a curse than a blessing.

Now brainstorm with me: why is this? Why do so many people not see children as a blessing?

Donna? Right, so looking at the costs—the personal, the time, the energy, the emotional, the financial cost of having a kid—and they say it’s not worth it.

Stephanie? Okay, that’s all about me. So selfish. They don’t want to care for another human being. They just want to make it about me.

What else? You hear a lot of the term human autonomy, right? I want to be free from any constraints. I want to be master of my own life. Do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. Which we know biblically is a very unhealthy thing. But yes, so a preference for autonomy, not being tied down at all, freedom, ability to do whatever you want.

Magna? Unfortunately, there are those who believe that we are already overpopulated, right? So this is an idea from last century, but the world’s too populated, or this is going to lead to unsustainable climate change. And so we can’t have more kids.

Steve? Offered because if you don’t have the next generation, I mean, how are you going to fulfill your own needs if somebody isn’t there to do those responsible jobs that help you to survive?

Okay, so mentioning a kind of shortsightedness—that’s not thinking about the future, even the future of the nation or the world. Who’s going to be able to do the things in the future that everybody’s going to need or even that they desire?

Yeah, these are definitely some reasons. Another one would be that people just see children as a burden, a roadblock to the pursuit of what they want in life, a hindrance to enjoying their idol or reaching their life goals. Maybe they feel like they’re not able to do it. “Oh, it’s really hard. I’m not going to be a good parent.” They want to avoid the pain, sorrow, and concern that comes with raising children.

“People see children as a burden, a roadblock to the pursuit of what they want in life.”

We mentioned that last week. But I think two other reasons that are worth pointing out is that when people say this or when people believe this, they show that they do not believe the scriptures. And they are ignorant of or averse to God’s design for parenting. Which means that if they have children, they do end up being raised as curses.

Parenting God’s Way vs. the World’s Way

I think this last reason is particularly important. You see, there is a parallel between the world’s view of parenting and the world’s view of marriage. The world very much looks down on marriage and talks about marriage like it is a curse. We’ve talked about this. Why? Because when people don’t approach marriage God’s way, marriage usually does turn out to be a curse, even though it was originally designed to be a blessing.

The same, I assert, is true of parenting. Because most people won’t approach parenting God’s way, raising children usually turns out to be a cursed rather than a blessed experience.

I mean, have you ever heard people complain about their kids or warn you against having kids based on their own experience? If these persons explain a little bit more, as you find out more about their particular situation, you usually notice certain red flags about how those kids were raised.

For example, you learn that the parent or parents wouldn’t discipline their children consistently or at all, or only and frequently discipline their children in anger. Or they wouldn’t teach their children about the Lord or seek to minister the gospel to their children’s hearts. Or they wouldn’t spend quality time with their children but neglected their children to pursue what they wanted—relational, economic, or pleasure interests.

And suddenly, as you learn more about these things, you hear more about these things from that person. It’s suddenly not such a mystery as to why their kids turned out to be such a curse. And you almost want to say to that person plainly: friend, you were doing it wrong.

Now, truly, how a child turns out is ultimately not in a parent’s hands. However, the Bible is still true when it proclaims that children, despite the curse of sin in the world, despite the costs that are associated with raising them, are generally a gift and a blessing if parents will actually parent according to God’s design.

And even when children don’t respond as they should, don’t respond well to Godly parenting, the Bible teaches that parents can still find peace and joy in fulfilling God’s calling to them, no matter how their children respond.

“Children are generally a gift and a blessing if parents will actually parent according to God’s design.”

So what is God’s design for parenting? That’s what we want to find out more about today.

There’s a lot to say regarding God’s design for parenting. I found in my prep it’s too much for one lesson. So we’re actually going to take this week and next week to discuss this topic.

Our agenda for this week is just to look at seven aspects of God’s design for parenting.

How Much Does the Bible Say About Parenting?

But one more introductory thought before we get into that: considering how many challenges and questions people have when it comes to parenting, the New Testament says surprisingly little on how to parent. In fact, does anyone know how many New Testament verses give direct instruction to parents on how to parent?

Two verses. Just two verses.

Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart.”

And Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Just two verses. Why so little New Testament instruction? Isn’t this kind of a big deal? Shouldn’t we get more instruction from the apostles and our Lord?

Well, thinking through this, there can only be two answers as to why there’s so little said. One: whatever was already given in the Old Testament, especially the Torah, the Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes, is largely sufficient for raising and instructing children. But also, number two: whatever isn’t in either the Old Testament or New Testament is actually not that important in order for you to parent your children well before God.

After all, the Bible claims to give Christians everything fundamentally necessary for life and godliness. That’s 2 Peter 1:3. And 2 Timothy 3:17 says that God’s word provides sufficient instruction to equip every Christian for every good work.

So these truths also apply to parenting. If the Bible doesn’t tell you whether you should use breast milk or formula milk, should comfort your child when he cries in the night or let him cry it out, should let your child watch something on a screen before he’s two years old or not, or should have your children take piano lessons or not—if the Bible doesn’t speak to those things, guess what? Those specific decisions are not that important.

You may do what you think is best. I’m not saying those decisions are totally unimportant or have absolutely nothing to do with the principles that the Bible teaches. The Bible gives parents principles. But these decisions are largely Christian freedom and conviction issues.

“There is more freedom in Christian parenting than we often think.”

Freedom and Limits in Christian Parenting

There is more freedom in Christian parenting than we often think. And there are two important implications of this fact.

Number one: parenting is another area in which Christians need to purposefully avoid going beyond what is written and consequently judging one another. This can happen a lot, even among people who are otherwise godly. They judge each other over their parenting.

But two, another implication is that parents, and especially moms, need to stop enforcing standards on themselves that go beyond God’s word and only make them feel guilty. “I’m a bad mom. I let my kid eat McDonald’s. I’m a bad dad because I let my kid sleep in mom and dad’s bed when he got scared.”

Don’t judge yourself. Don’t judge others with a standard that goes beyond God’s own. If you do, you are sure to siphon all the joy out of your parenting and siphon the joy out of your relationships with other parents, other Christian parents.

Even so, the Bible does give much more freedom in Christian parenting than perhaps we suspect. But while that’s true, while the Bible does give this freedom and trust that you will figure out some specific things when it comes to parenting—like how to burp a newborn and how to potty train a toddler—by your own research, getting good counsel, or simple trial and error, the Bible expects that you will do that.

Nevertheless, the Bible does have a certain standard for parenting that it wants you to uphold. The Bible does clarify certain fundamental callings to parents. It’s not “laissez-faire”—anybody do what you want, don’t judge. No, there’s a lot of freedom, but there are certain things that parents must do.

“If you judge yourself or others with a standard beyond God’s own, you will siphon all the joy out of your parenting.”

Now then, let’s see what those are. Actually, we see a number of these right in that one verse we’ve already mentioned in Ephesians. So if you would take your Bibles and go to Ephesians 6:4.

Seven Aspects of God’s Design for Parenting

Ephesians 6:4. Let’s now look at seven aspects of God’s design for parenting.

Aspect 1: Fathers Bear Ultimate Responsibility

And the first is number one: fathers bear ultimate responsibility for parenting their children.

That may sound surprising to you, but look at what Ephesians 6:4 says: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Why does this text, and the parallel text in Colossians, address fathers and not mothers, and not fathers and mothers?

Is it simply because fathers too often neglect their role as parents and they need a special reminder from the apostle? That may be true enough, but that’s not the real reason.

The real reason is the truth we’ve already seen: God ordained from creation that husbands—that is, fathers—should be the head of a family, the head of the home. Therefore, though fathers will delegate many responsibilities of child raising to their gifted wives, the New Testament clarifies that raising children and keeping house is one of the main callings and responsibilities of a wife and mother.

You can look up these verses on your own: 1 Timothy 2:15, 1 Timothy 5:10, 1 Timothy 5:14, and Titus 2:4. They all speak to that.

Though it is expected that wives and mothers will do much of the work in raising a child, nevertheless the father has his own active role to play. That includes setting the agenda that husband and wife, father and mother, will seek to carry out with the children.

You can’t sit back and say, “Okay, the kids are your responsibility. You handle everything.” No, you’re the leader in parenting as well. Even if your wife takes care of the kids most of the time, you need to support her and provide leadership to her.

Wives, you meanwhile should voluntarily line up under your husband when it comes to how you raise your kids together. This is actually a source of marital conflict when husband and wife, father and mother, feel like they need to do different things and don’t trust one another when it comes to their kids.

Ephesians 6:4 shows us this is an area where the team needs to come together under male leadership. Fathers bear ultimate responsibility for parenting their children.

“You’re the leader in parenting as well. Even if your wife takes care of the kids most of the time, you need to support and provide leadership to her.”

Aspect 2: Providing for Physical Well-Being

Number two: parents must provide for the physical well-being of their children.

I know that’s like a no-brainer, right? You’re like, “I didn’t come here to learn these basics, Pastor Dave.” Well, it’s worth mentioning.

You see, the phrase in Ephesians 6:4, “bring them up,” speaking of children, translates the Greek word “ektrepho,” which has the idea within it of feeding and nourishing. So one of the basic aspects of being a parent is that you provide for the physical life of your kids.

And if you’re too lazy or selfish or cruel to do that for your own family or even your near relatives, well, 1 Timothy 5:8 says that you have denied the faith and are worse than an unbeliever.

It’s expected that you’re going to provide for the physical well-being of your family. But too many parents, and especially dads, think that if they just keep their kid alive and fed well, they’ve done their job. No, that’s just the basic part of your job.

There’s much more to bringing up a child than that.

“Too many parents think that if they just keep their kid alive and fed well, they’ve done their job. That’s just the basic part.”

Aspect 3: Discipline and Instruction for Spiritual Well-Being

And especially as we’ll see in the next aspect, which is number three: parents must provide discipline and instruction for the spiritual well-being of their children.

Discipline and instruction. Notice the full phrase of Ephesians 6:4 in the second part says: “but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

This is how Christian parents are to nourish, to raise, to bring up children—not with mere physical nourishment, but also with necessary spiritual nourishment as well.

What exactly are these two terms, discipline and instruction?

The Greek word for discipline here is “paideia,” and it refers to training or instruction that is focused on establishing disciplined living or providing correction. Thus, the call to Christian parents in this term is to provide for their children formative, structural, and corrective discipline.

Now, what are those three types of discipline?

Formative discipline is training given to children not because they’ve done anything wrong, but to merely grow them in their abilities and character. For example, a Christian parent may assign chores for a child to fulfill, not as punishment, but just training. Or it may enroll his child in school and insist that his child completes the homework for school. Or may even arrange for his child to work a summer job. All of this is formative discipline.

Structural discipline is the training given to children through the inauguration of routines, restrictions, and rules, which also are meant to help the child grow, especially in self-discipline and in faithfulness and in respect for authority. For example, a Christian parent may set times for when their children wake up, when they eat, when they do their homework, when they sleep.

Parents may set limits for how many hours a child may play video games a day. Or a parent may forbid their child from speaking certain words that are unkind and disrespectful in the home. This is structural discipline.

Corrective discipline is the training given to children when they rebel against the formative or structural discipline, when they break the rules of the household. This discipline is not mere punishment. This is not justice. This is training. This is meant to grow children in their self-control, in their appreciation for the consequences of sin, and in their reverence for authority, even for God.

This correction, depending on the age and stage of the child, could take the form, for example, of a temporary removal of privileges, an extra chore to complete, or a spanking, corporal punishment. I’ll say more about corporal punishment a little bit later.

So on the one hand, Christians are called to spiritually nourish and bring up their children by means of discipline in its various forms. On the other hand, Christians are called to bring up their children with instruction.

The Greek word for instruction in Ephesians 6:4 is “nouthesia,” having as a root the Greek word “nous,” which means mind. And so “nouthesia” refers to instruction, admonition, or counsel, especially counsel for the avoidance or cessation of an improper course.

If “nouthesia” sounds slightly familiar to you, that’s because the Greek word is just the noun form of another Greek word and verb that we’ve encountered before: “noutheteo,” meaning to admonish, warn, or counsel. “Noutheteo” is often translated “admonish” in the scriptures, like Colossians 1:28, Colossians 3:16, and 1 Thessalonians 5:14, which we’ve examined before, even in the first lesson of this course, because those verses are part of establishing the foundation of biblical counseling.

“Noutheteo” is to biblical counsel, and it’s one of the reasons why I say every Christian is a biblical counselor. You are all called to instruct, counsel, and admonish one another.

If that same term in the noun form is being used for this passage here in Ephesians 6:4, well, guess what that means for parents? Parents are called to biblically counsel their children, to provide “nouthesia,” so that their children might be warned from the improper course and instructed in the right way.

You must not only teach the Lord’s word to your children and enforce his standards for them, but you must, as part of that, seek to understand your children and minister Christ and the gospel to their hearts.

What have we been saying from the beginning? Biblical counselors want to get to the heart. Parents, you must do the same. Don’t settle for surface issues or surface conformity. Seek to minister to the heart. Speak to, draw out, and counsel your children’s hearts. Everything you might do with someone in counseling in another context, you should do with your kids.

“Don’t settle for surface issues or surface conformity. Seek to minister to the heart.”

Now, you may have noticed that from my description of these two terms, discipline and instruction, that both callings are given with the expectation of a certain negative reality. That is: your child will need discipline in all its forms. Your child will need biblical counsel, admonishment, even warning.

The Sinful Nature of Children

Why these negative expectations about children, even Christian children?

What would you say?

Because of the Fall. Can you explain that a little bit more?

Yeah, that’s right. The Bible says we’re all sinners from birth, and it shows a real fascination with your kids. That is true. Children come into the world naturally naive, selfish, and undisciplined. They come sinful and foolish, just like we did.

Many parents in the world cannot understand why their children turn out to be such troublemakers. The reason is because these parents start with wrong assumptions about their kids. These parents think that their children come into the world good—oh, just little baby angels—or if not good, at least blank slates they can be molded into good with proper parenting, with the right environment.

But the Bible represents the opposite for our reality, for how children arrive into the world. There is no one good, not even one. Romans 3:10 applies to your children, even your infants.

Psalm 51:5, which we mentioned last week, says children have a sin nature from the moment of conception, from the moment of their existence. They have a sin nature.

More explicit is Proverbs 22:15. It says: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

Your children come into the world with foolishness bound up in their hearts. You as a parent are called to help get rid of that foolishness by discipline.

Proverbs 29:15 says: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”

I notice the assumption in the second half of that proverb: a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. Why? What’s so bad about a child getting his own way? Why should that bring shame to his mother?

That’s because the assumption is the child’s way is naturally sinful and foolish. Don’t leave your child to his own way. That will be bad for him and it will be shame for you.

So what does a child need according to the first half of that proverb? He needs the rod and reproof. Whereas Ephesians 6:4 says he needs discipline and instruction, even biblical counseling.

Yeah, Mark? Yeah, that, and what was said as well, is that we draw from the fatherhood of God in our own lives for this thing, right? His discipline of us is something that we carry forward for our children.

Yeah, true. That’s a good point. I think that integrates something I’ll say later. But to repeat it: we discipline our children because we ourselves are disciplined by God. We follow and benefit from his fatherhood, and we are seeking merely to pass it on to our kids.

We need to have foolishness and sinfulness driven out of us, even though we’ve been made new in Jesus Christ. How much more so for our kids, who do not yet know Christ, or as they come to know Christ?

“We discipline our children because we ourselves are disciplined by God. We follow his fatherhood and seek to pass it on.”

Now, notice from Ephesians 6:4 that both discipline and instruction are required of Christian parents—not just one, but both. Also notice that these must be “in the Lord.” That is to say, you cannot discipline and instruct just as you think is best, what you please. It has to be guided. It has to be founded in the Lord. That is, in the person and teaching of the Lord, even the word of the Lord.

You must apply the Lord’s standard, not just to your children, but to yourself. You must exercise discipline and instruction according to the commands and principles of God, God’s word.

“Both discipline and instruction must be ‘in the Lord’—founded in the person and teaching of the Lord, even the word of the Lord.”

Now, there’s one more command in Ephesians 6:4 that we should notice, and it’s going to be the fourth aspect I want to bring out to you in God’s design for parenting.

Aspect 4: Do Not Provoke or Dishearten Your Children

And that is number four: parents must be careful not to provoke or dishearten their children.

Notice the first part of Ephesians 6:4 says: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

And Colossians 3:21, that parallel verse, says: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart.”

What are these commands all about?

Paul is showing us that instead of disciplining and instructing our children in the Lord as we ought, we could—but must not—merely provoke our children to anger, exasperating them, frustrating them, causing them to become discouraged or even to despair.

How might we do that? Paul doesn’t explain for us specifically in either passage. But thinking through other scriptures, other commands of God, I can think of at least nine ways that we can exasperate, we can provoke, and dishearten our children.

#### Nine Ways Parents Can Exasperate Their Children

I’ll go through these briefly.

One: you could discipline and instruct in the flesh rather than in the Lord. You may say you’re doing all this for the Lord’s sake, but your kids realize that you’re just being selfish, you’re just being vindictive towards them, you’re just a tyrant indulging himself and using the Bible as a cover. That will provoke them.

Two: you might discipline and instruct inconsistently. You sometimes enforce the rules, sometimes don’t. You sometimes start instruction, but then you don’t finish. This frustrates a child because he doesn’t really know where he stands or what he needs or what’s required of him.

Three: you do not discipline or instruct at all. A child may welcome this at first—yay, I can do whatever I want—but deep down, since every child is made in the image of God and lives in God’s world, that child craves discipline and instruction. In the end, he will resent you for not giving it to him.

Four: you discipline and instruct too strictly. You have too many rules, and the penalty for breaking those rules is so harsh your children begin to lose hope. Be careful not to set up so many rules that your child feels like he’s doomed to fail.

Five: you discipline and instruct hypocritically. You may say and do all that’s officially required of you in the Lord, but your kids see that you do not follow those principles and rules yourself. You do not exhibit in your own life what you seek to correct or exhort in them. They will resent this.

Six: you only discipline, or you only instruct—not both. When you only discipline, you show that you only care about outward conformity and not the heart. But when you only instruct, you show that you lack the courage or conviction to firmly oppose your child. Either of these will ultimately cause you to lose your child’s respect.

Seven: you discipline and instruct in a way that is not appropriate to the age and stage of the child. I’ll illustrate this with an extreme example, but you cannot have a deeply introspective spiritual conversation with a one-year-old about his heart idols, nor should you attempt to spank your 16-year-old son. The balance of your discipline and instruction must change over time.

It will be mostly discipline in the early years, and it will be mostly instruction in the later years. Failure to recognize this and to adjust accordingly will provoke your children. It will lead them to anger and despair.

Eight: you do not show you care for your children outside of providing discipline and instruction. Discipline and instruction are a key, maybe even the main part of a Christian’s calling to love their children. But if these are the only ways you show love to your children, if you do not show interest in their lives in any other way, your kids will become disheartened. They will question your love for them. You must do more than that.

Nine: you do not also reward and encourage your children alongside your discipline and instruction. God provides his children much discipline and instruction, whether it’s Israel or the church. But God also provides encouragement and promises reward. So we should do the same.

Children who only receive discipline and admonishment may feel like you’re never pleased with them, they can never make you happy, and thereby they will become disheartened.

There may be more, but those are just something I thought of.

“Children who only receive discipline and admonishment may feel like you’re never pleased with them and become disheartened.”

Now, your children may accuse you of sinfully provoking them to anger or discouraging them. Well, that’s not actually the case. You’re just actually doing what God called you to do. You’re providing discipline. You’re providing instruction. We have to realize that.

But as far as you are able, do not do anything that unnecessarily provokes or discourages your children. And if and when you do go beyond the proper bounds, be willing to confess, to repent, and to seek the forgiveness of your children. That is not a sign of weakness. That is a sign that you too are under authority. Far from losing credibility with your children, it will actually cause you to gain credibility with them.

“When you confess and seek forgiveness from your children, far from losing credibility, you will actually gain it.”

Aspect 5: The Wisdom of the Rod

So that was a little side sidebar. But let me come back to the seven aspects of God’s design for parenting and even come back to the issue of corporal punishment, because the fifth aspect is number five: parents should recognize the wisdom of the rod among other forms of legitimate corrective discipline.

Now, I know that the issue of corporal punishment, of administering discipline to a child’s body, is a touchy subject. And perhaps that’s because some of you have seen how this was done in an evil way. Maybe you experienced it. Maybe you witnessed it.

And you say, “I want nothing to do with that. That is indeed evil. That’s child abuse.”

And if that’s what you experienced, my heart goes out to you. But this is an issue that we need to talk about. The Bible speaks pretty extensively about corporal punishment. And so if I’m going to faithfully equip you as parents and as those who are going to give counsel to parents, I need to talk to you about this. And I’ll seek to do so in a Godly way.

Many people, including Christian parents, consider the use of corporal punishment—spanking, the rod, whatever you want to call it—they consider it outdated, unloving, and ineffective. Practically, if not actually, child abuse.

Furthermore, there are supposedly many scientific studies that back up the claim, or seem to back up the claim, that the use of the rod actually produces worse behavior in children over time, not better. The rod, in other words, will ruin people. It will traumatize them. It will make them into abusers.

So why would Christians who love their children ever use the rod?

But let’s start again with the Bible. Very safe place to start. What does the Bible say about the rod?

Look at some verses with me. Proverbs 23. We’re going to spend probably the rest of our time today in Proverbs, so you can turn over there.

Proverbs 23:13-14: “Do not hold back discipline from the child. Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.”

If you will pardon the pun, how striking are those verses! Far from ruining or destroying a child, Proverbs testifies that the rod will rescue the child. Rescue the child from the grave. That’s what Sheol means. It will rescue him from ruin.

In fact, these verses—verse 13 specifically—are written to people who are afraid to use the rod, who are afraid that using the rod will hurt the child in some lasting way. And the verse says: “Do not hold back discipline from the child. Do not be afraid. Your child will not die. He will not be scarred for life. He will be rescued.”

Proverbs 23:14: “You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.”

Would you like to rescue your child?

Proverbs 13:24. You can turn over there.

Proverbs 13:24 also speaks pointedly about the rod.

Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Now, do you hear that? Proverbs proclaims that it is not unloving to use the rod. It is loving. And not just every once in a while as a last resort, but frequently, diligently. If you love your children, use the rod to discipline them when necessary.

This is the wisdom of Proverbs. Because we know what Proverbs represents in the totality of scriptures, this is the wisdom of God for his people.

#### Responding to Objections About the Rod

Now, someone will say: “The rod is just symbolic of all kinds of corrective discipline. The rod does not necessarily mean physical correction in every case.”

To that I say: it’s true that the rod in these verses functions as a symbol for all corrective discipline. However, the rod only works as a symbol for legitimate and effective discipline if the rod itself is included in that legitimate and effective discipline. Otherwise, you can’t use the rod as a symbol. It would be inappropriate, not to mention very confusing.

Now, someone else might say: “But these words in Proverbs were given back in ancient, barbarous times. The world has progressed in its understanding and its civility since then. Now we all know that the rod is cruel and ineffective.”

Oh, really? So did God also progress in his understanding? He thought that it was good before, but now he’s realized that the rod is actually unloving? Or maybe children have changed since Old Testament times. Children are born with less sin and foolishness than they were before. Thus, the rod’s not necessary.

Or maybe parents have changed. Parents were capable of using the rod in a loving and effective way before, but something happened, and now they can’t do it. Is that the case?

No, obviously, none of those things are true. What’s really changed between Bible times and now? Nothing but man’s opinion.

What man considers to be wise? For centuries, man has accepted—even people who weren’t Christian or Hebrew in ancient times—but many centuries since then, mankind accepted the rod, corporal punishment, as a wise and even God-affirmed form of corrective discipline. This was universally accepted.

But then modern psychology came along with its anti-biblical assumptions and began to question whether the practice of the rod could ever be used legitimately and productively.

Indeed. So someone might say: “Pastor Dave, what about all the scientific studies that show a correlation between spanking and negative outcomes in a child’s life?”

Well, before I answer that question, let me ask this: based on just what we’ve seen today, does the Bible unambiguously support the use of the rod?

For being honest with the scriptures, the answer is yes. It does. It’s not subtle about that. It’s obvious.

So what does that tell us? What does that tell us before we even fully examine these supposedly contradictory scientific studies? It means whatever they say is not the whole story. There’s something off. There’s something wrong. There’s something incomplete about these things, because God’s word is true.

So if there’s something that says, “Oh, God’s word is not true,” there’s got to be something wrong with it. Let God be found true, every man be found a liar.

Well, Pastor Dave, what could be wrong with these studies? This is science.

Well, let me give you an example. Because the persons conducting these scientific studies, on average, probably in every case, but in most cases, because the persons conducting these studies do not have an understanding, a sufficient understanding of biblical discipline, they will inevitably not differentiate between those who use the rod correctly and those who do not.

Parents who use the rod in anger, parents who use the rod for selfish reasons, parents who use the rod inconsistently are inevitably lumped in with parents who use the rod correctly, who use the rod in a controlled and loving and consistent way. But because they’re all lumped together, when you’re looking at what are the results that the rod produces in someone’s life, it’s going to be skewed.

Furthermore, since most people in the world who do use the rod do not use it correctly, do not use it in a Godly way, but instead actually transgress the first part of Ephesians 6:4 and provoke their children to anger, even in how they use the rod, should we be surprised if the rod might generally be shown to be associated with long-term negative outcomes?

Not at all. The Bible would lead us to expect that result if most people who use the rod use it in a wrong way. Well, then, of course, it’s going to result in negative outcomes, even long-term negative outcomes.

But just because some people, even many people, misuse the rod and thus experience long-term consequences for doing so doesn’t mean that Christians therefore should abandon the rod.

I mean, it’s the same. We can make the same argument with marriage, right? Most people abuse, misuse the original marriage relationship of the husband being the authority and the wife being submissive. And so people say, “We got to throw out marriage. We got to throw out that structure.”

No, you need to get back to the way that God originally designed that structure, and then you’ll see the blessing rather than the curse.

Same thing with the rod. This was not designed to be a curse, but it is made into a curse because of the way that people use it. But Christians don’t have to use it that way. We’re called not to use it that way. And so we can receive the benefit, and our children can receive the benefit.

“Christians are called to use the rod correctly—and so we can receive the benefit, and our children can receive the benefit.”

There are other problems in these studies besides what I’ve just mentioned to you. But I hope you see that despite appearances, despite the number of studies that might show up in your newsfeed, science has not proven the evilness and ineffectiveness of the rod and thereby contradicted God’s word.

But someone else may still say: “Pastor Dave, even if the rod is permitted, I love my children too much to use it. My dear brother or sister, let me challenge you in one way. I want you to ask yourself: are you more loving, and are you wiser than God?

Because the Bible indicates in his perfect love and his perfect wisdom, he does not withhold the rod from you. So why do you think that you should do it for your children?

In fact, listen to what Hebrews 12:6 says.

This is the author quoting the Old Testament and affirming what he quotes as applying legitimately to Christians.

Hebrews 12:6: “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by him. For those whom the Lord loves he disciplines, and he scourges every son he receives.”

Now, did you catch that one word at the end of verse six? Scourges.

God scourges every son that he loves, every son that he receives. What does scourges mean? My lexicon provides the definition for the Greek word: to beat with a whip or lash, to whip, flog, or scourge. It’s actually the same word used in John 19:1 for what Pilate did to Jesus before Jesus was crucified. Jesus was scourged.

Now, for multiple reasons, I absolutely do not recommend that you use a whip on your children. But if God himself, who is love, who is wisdom in his essence, whips, so to speak, his children, how can you say that you absolutely will not use the rod on your children because you love them too much and know a better way?

Someone might also say: “Pastor Dave, why do you love the rod so much?”

I don’t know if I would say I love the rod, but I love God, and I love God’s word. And I want to see God’s truthfulness and authority upheld. He didn’t make a mistake when he wrote these things in Proverbs. We shouldn’t be ashamed of what God wrote. We should believe him. We should apply his word.

“I love God and God’s word. He didn’t make a mistake when he wrote these things in Proverbs. We should believe him and apply his word.”

Now, it’s worth mentioning that in advantage over other types of corrective discipline, the rod is simple, quick, and efficient. It allows for administering discipline and then immediately allowing a fully restored relationship between parent and child.

Other forms of discipline, like the removal of privileges, take much longer to resolve. You can’t have this for a week, or you can’t have this for a day, you can’t have this for a month. That’s a long time. And that does have a greater risk of the child developing bitterness toward the parent because there isn’t that resolution until the end of the discipline.

Not saying you can’t do that, but this is one advantage of the rod over other types of discipline.

Let me say this: we have to let the scriptures get us away from the psychologized notion that children are fragile little things that can hardly handle a corrective word, much less the rod, without being scarred for life. That doesn’t come from the scriptures. That is opposite of what the scripture says. That comes from the world. That comes from psychology.

Children are resilient. And thus, the rod is an effective and loving form of corrective discipline.

“Children are resilient. The rod is an effective and loving form of corrective discipline.”

All that being said, let me also say: you don’t always have to use the rod. In fact, you shouldn’t.

Pastor Dave, you’re contradicting yourself.

No, I’m not. I’m just adding complementary information to what I just said. God, as the perfect parent, he does use the rod. But he doesn’t always use the rod. He doesn’t always discipline in the same way. And neither should we.

As we get to know our children, as they grow up, we should pay attention to what will be most effective for a particular child at a particular time and adjust accordingly. And there’s going to be some trial and error in that.

Actually, many practitioners of the rod will tell you that the rod is most effective when a child is young. As the child gets older, the rod becomes less effective, but also less necessary.

Now, there’s more I’d like to say on the subject of the rod, such as answers to common objections and some practical dos and don’ts. But I’m going to leave that for your homework. That’ll be in your reading.

So number five: parents should indeed recognize the wisdom of the rod, but use it along with other forms of corrective discipline.

Now, two more aspects of God’s design for parenting briefly.

Aspect 6: Discipline and Instruct Early and Often

Number six: parents should discipline and instruct their children early and often for best results.

Go to Proverbs 22:6. One of the most famous verses when it comes to Proverbs and parenting.

Proverbs 22:6 says: “Train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

A more literal rendering of the Hebrew of this verse reads: “Dedicate a child upon the mouth of his way. Even when he is old, he will not turn aside from it.”

What does this verse mean? There’s some debate. Some suggest that this verse is ironic, sarcastically declaring what will happen if you don’t actively discipline and instruct your child from a young age. “Let your child go his own way from the beginning. Dedicate him to going his own way, and he’ll stay that way. Even when he’s old, he’ll become hardened in his foolishness and sin.”

There are other Proverbs, even some that we’ve looked at, that do give a similar warning.

But I’m persuaded that Proverbs 22:6 is a positive statement, mainly because it mentions old age. An old age proverb says is generally the inheritance of wise men, not fools. Fools don’t make it to old age generally.

Proverbs 22:6 is an encouragement to dedicate your child—that is, commit him to wise and religious training early—so that even when he’s old, what you taught your child will stick with him and guide him. Don’t wait till he’s older. It won’t be as malleable. It won’t be as teachable. Dedicate him at the mouth, or the beginning, of his way for best results.

Now, though doing this is wise and righteous, these good results are not guaranteed. This is how a lot of people get tripped up with this verse. Plenty of Christian parents can testify that children who are raised well later did depart from wisdom and from God.

They say, “Was Proverbs 22:6 wrong?”

Proverbs 22:6 is a proverb, not a promise. It’s an expression of a general truth. There are no guaranteed outcomes when it comes to children.

Look at the example of God. Isaiah 1:1-4. He’s the best parent. But he says, “I have unruly sons. How did they turn out this way?”

If that’s true of God, it can be true of Christians too. You can’t guarantee a good outcome for your children, even saving faith, by raising them well. But you give yourself and your children the best chance humanly speaking if you start early.

That’s the commendation of Proverbs 22:6.

Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

But you don’t merely want to start well. You want to continue well. You want to parent your children diligently.

We heard from Proverbs 13:24 earlier when it says that he who loves his son disciplines him diligently. You must be diligent in your parenting—active and continual.

Meanwhile, God tells parents, and especially fathers, in Deuteronomy 6:6-9, that they must teach God’s words diligently to their sons and their children, and talk about God’s words all the time.

Godly parenting is hard work. You cannot be passive. You cannot be lazy if you want to fulfill God’s design for parenting.

This is just like marriage, right? Marriage is hard work if you pursue it in a Godly way. But both of these pursuits are investments that generally bring reward. If you will put the hard work into your marriage, you’ll see the benefit. If you put the hard work into your parenting, generally speaking, you’re going to see the benefit.

Why should you discipline and instruct your children in the Lord so diligently? Not just because it is your reverent duty before Christ—whether you want to or not, you have a responsibility. Not just because it’s an act of love to your children—it is that. But also because you give your children the greatest chance humanly speaking of gaining wisdom, learning the fear of the Lord, and coming to know Jesus Christ if you will be diligent.

“You give your children the greatest chance of gaining wisdom, learning the fear of the Lord, and coming to know Jesus Christ if you are diligent.”

You set your children up in the best way you can for spiritual success.

That’s number six.

Aspect 7: Marital Harmony Is Vital for Effective Parenting

Finally, number seven: parents must realize that marital harmony is vital for effective parenting.

Proverbs 17:1 says: “Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it and a house full of feasting with strife.”

My counseling professor, Dr. John Street, says that children are like a barometer in the home. Whatever is going on in the home often shows up in the attitude and behavior of the child.

If the marriage is harmonious, the child is often happy, even obedient. But if the marriage is full of strife, the child is destabilized and a witness of his ugly home environment and the bad examples of his parents. He often acts out himself.

So then, if you want to spiritually nourish your children, don’t start with or prioritize your children. Start with and prioritize your marriage. Your children will feel the overflow effects.

“If you want to spiritually nourish your children, start with and prioritize your marriage. Your children will feel the overflow effects.”

I like another piece of advice from Dr. Street, specifically to counselors. It says: realize that sometimes—not all the time, but sometimes—when parents come to you to get biblical counseling help with their kids, it’s the parents who really need the counseling.

This only makes sense, right? If parenting is to be a team effort, when the team is not on the same page, it’s going to result in problems. Parenting is not going to be as effective.

Conclusion and Coming Next Week

Now, we have to pause our discussion of God’s design for parenting there. I know you say, “Well, there’s so much you haven’t said yet.” I know.

We’re coming back to it next week. The homework next week is part two of God’s design for parenting, in which we’ll go over seven key emphases of parental instruction, as well as God’s design for blended families. What about when two people get married who already have kids? What are some challenges that they face, and how can God’s word equip them for it?

We’ll talk about that next time.

“Next week: seven key emphases of parental instruction and God’s design for blended families.”

If you have questions, please email me. I’ll also be around later in the service.

Let’s close in prayer.

Lord, thank you for your word. You can be believed. Lord, children are a blessing. To become a parent, yes, it’s hard work. Yes, it brings suffering. But it’s a blessing. It’s a gift. And it’s something that you desire for married couples.

So Lord, help us to believe your word. God, I pray that you would prove your word as we commit ourselves to your way. Show us, Lord. Show us that blessing that you intended.

But Lord, even where that is not the case, or even when children don’t respond well, we know that there is always blessing in fulfilling what you’ve called us to do. We are to be good parents whether our kids turn out to be good or not. But even in doing that, Lord, you give us your joy. You give us your peace.

So God, I pray that you would bless all the parents in this church and future parents.

Share this sermon:

More from Biblical Counseling for Marriage and Parenthood