In this ninth lesson of the Biblical Counseling 101 class, Pastor Dave Capoccia begins presenting a practical method for counseling based on biblical principles. Pastor Dave explains the first four steps of this method in part 1:
1. Begin Counseling
2. Gain Involvement
3. Gather Data
4. Interpret Data
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all right it’s nine o’clock so let’s get started good morning welcome to the biblical counseling one-on-one sunday school class why do i do what i do and how can i change we are on the second to last lesson here and don’t forget that this is a foundation setting course this is not an exhaust of course you might say wait but we’ve hardly talked about this and i need more information about that i understand but this is just foundational and we’ll get to some of the other things lord willing in the future do i need to adjust my mic at all here okay but let’s pray as we get ready for today’s lesson heavenly father thank you for this time of training i pray with you to be profitable and help me feel to explain well and god make us into what you’ve called us to be those who can counsel encourage confront one another and cause one another to go after you in a more consistent way in jesus name amen right before we get to today’s lesson let’s talk a little bit about your homework won’t say as much about it today because aside from the bible reading in prayer the journals are really something that’s meant for you privately but i did want to take any time for questions you have any questions about the tea journals i had you asked you to do for homework last week okay okay um maybe we could talk about that afterwards and maybe i’ll walk you through that a little bit more specifically but yeah if you have any questions you’re like i don’t really get it i don’t understand how to do it uh you can talk about it uh with me afterwards but anything specific you want to ask about okay and don’t forget the extra credit from last week the notes on pride what’s your homework for this week well i told you that i wanted to actually do this journal for several weeks that way you have more of a time to see what’s the pattern if there is a pattern and are you able to implement changes because remember the the last step in the journal entries is transformation how does god want me to change how is his word and his spirit enable me to do that so i want you to be able to see that some over some weeks of time so continue writing in your journals and also i have some more notes that we won’t be able to get to in today’s class but some that are pretty important and those are notes on crisis and suicide counseling now that’s not necessarily a super common situation that any one of us will face but it could be it could be something that we face we won’t have time to talk about it in class but i will make those notes available for you electronically as extra credit all right oh i should say i think we’ll even think about counseling somebody who’s contemplating suicide would feel like whoa that is beyond me there’s no way i could ever help that kind of person that’s too too stressful and important but really it’s just another version of what we do in counseling in general many of the things we’ve talked about already in this course and the things that we’re going to be talking about today i’ve given you a lot of a theological and theoretical foundation for counseling but today i want to get very very very practical and really talk about a method what’s an a way to apply all these principles that we’ve talked about in a in a method that you can practice and that’s when i talk about this week and next week how to counsel today is part one next week and our final class we’ll do part two here is a method this is not the the terms and the number of steps is not inspired but this is a application of biblical principles we’ve looked at here’s a method of biblical counseling number one begin counseling two gain involvement three gather data four interpret data five provide instruction six give homework seven give hope and then eight end your counseling now the steps of this method are roughly chronological but they do overlap so don’t feel like you’re not going to do step one or step three after the beginning of your counseling no you’re going to be doing that throughout but certain steps happen more in the beginning and certain steps happen more at the end today we’re just going to talk about the first four steps and we’ll do the next five or the next four in our last class now imagine that someone actually comes to you for counseling you say this is all nice yeah i’m learning but imagine you actually have to counsel someone someone comes to you brother i really need help overcoming immorality sister i’m struggling so much with anxiety or friends our marriage is about to fall apart can you help us how would you respond or maybe a person doesn’t come looking to you for help but you notice that they need help get involved in someone’s life you’re talking to his family members and you can see man this person needs some focused discipleship they need some counseling now unfortunately it’s a fact that most people don’t reach out for the help of biblical counseling until it’s reached an absolute crisis until they’re in dire straits you don’t want to do that if you ever struggling with something spiritually reach out early there’s much it’ll be a lot less painful that way you will have a lot less damage in your life but most people don’t so just be ready for that but whether you reach out to someone or someone reaches out to you how do you begin that’s what i want to first talk about first step in biblical counseling is to actually begin counseling quick aside i’ve given you kind of bare notes on your handout today because otherwise it’d be way too much for me to include on there so be ready to write some notes i’m sorry if you’re maybe not ready to write so much but i’ve written i think the most important points on the slides take them down in the notes and of course the slides will be available afterwards how do you begin counseling what does beginning a counseling relationship involve some things first of all absolute prayer and dependence on the lord i’m giving you a laid out technique but none of this is possible apart from the part the power of christ the work is beyond us all christian ministry is really beyond us and counseling included everything you do in counseling needs to be surrounded in prayer make sure you’re also ready to counsel you need to be spiritually ready you need to be walking with the lord and practicing spiritual disciplines yourself if you’re going to counsel someone else effectively you can’t preach what you don’t practice or at least you shouldn’t if you want to be effective remember jesus says in matthew 7 don’t tell your brother hey you’ve got a speck in your eye and let me get it out for you when you’ve got a log in your own eye you either won’t be effective or you only be effective in teaching hypocrisy now don’t then say well you know i still sin so much i could never counsel anyone it’s not about perfection it’s about the direction of your life are you walking with the lord are you pursuing him consistently you want to make sure you’re doing that before you counsel you also want to be knowledgeably equipped you need to know the scriptures i mean that’s what biblical counseling is right you’re ministering the bible the truth the gospel of jesus christ you need to have some competency in it and even some competency to talk about the specific issue that you will be counting somebody in somebody is really struggling with parenting their kids and you have no idea how to address that you’re not the right one to counsel them you need to have competency in handling people if you’re completely socially unaware if you have no ability to relate to people that’s gonna make you that’s gonna make it really hard for you to counsel someone now you might hear some of those things be like oh well i guess i’ll i can’t counsel you know i’m not good with people or i don’t know the bible that well so i guess i’m not gonna be a counselor wrong the bible’s called you to counsel we’re all to be doing these one anothering ministering the word to one another so the excuse is well i’m not equipped to do it i can’t do it the response would be i need to get equipped to do it i need to learn how to deal with people i need to become patient i need to become competent in the scriptures you and i are both called to counsel and minister to others so if you have to get your life in order get your mind trained don’t just excuse yourself one other matter of preparation is that you need to be logistically able to counsel you have to understand that counseling takes time takes energy and it takes it takes uh toll is not the right word but it is an emotional commitment a a commitment of the inner man it is spiritually weighty to uphold another person who is going through a spiritual struggle it will in certain degree burden your spirit and will also at times lead to your own temptation to sin maybe somebody’s so anxious and it encourages you to be anxious or somebody struggling with immorality and you’re tempted that way now too because they’re they’re they’re telling you about their issue because of this weightiness it is important that you do not take on too many counseling persons counseling cases at once when i was in seminary and becoming trained as a biblical counselor i was talking with somebody who’d done it for a while i was like well how many cases should you take on at once and he said well i’ve never known anybody who’s done more than four at a time and even that is is pretty a lot i think one of the missionaries that we support has talked about counseling in their church and they said the same thing hey you know we feel like it’s just too much to go i think that maybe i mentioned three or four and so you want to be aware of that don’t over commit because otherwise it can be really really spiritually draining of course you have other life obligations you want to make sure you’re not overextending yourself in any kind of ministry you never want to get to the point where you don’t have time for people i remember one of my seminary professors emphasizing that to me but also you don’t want to over commit and not really be able to minister to people well if you’re not able logistically to counsel someone don’t just be like sorry direct them to others who can or give them something to do in the meanwhile until you’re ready to counsel them hey you know i’m not ready just because of things going on in my life right now to counsel you as you’ve asked me to but here’s a great book that i’ve used in this issue why don’t you read that and we can come and talk about it later something like that so make sure you aren’t ready to counsel and then begin your first session do an exploratory first session a first meeting with your counselor or counselors if it’s a couple and find out about the problem say hey i need i need some help in this area find out more about it in this first session you also want to give hope and preliminary instruction which we’ll talk about more but also super important you want to set proper expectations in your first session i’m going to find out if they’re really serious because counseling is a good labor and there’s a lot of need for it but it is labor and it’s important that you spend your time as a servant and steward of christ most profitably and that means you want to spend it with people who are actually serious about changing you’ll partly need to convince them of that motivate them to do that but if they’re half-hearted in the beginning or if they hear about some sort of expectation be like well i’m not going to do that well better for you not to waste your time and theirs by proceeding on formal counseling with them even the disciples were instructed by jesus to practice this principle matthew 7 6 says don’t lay your pearls before swine we’ll just trample them and then tear you to pieces and when it came to even going out and evangelizing people in the cities jesus says to them in matthew 6 11 if they don’t listen to you leave that city shaking the dust off of your feet as a testimony to them you say oh you’re just going to give up well the idea is there are other places that you can go other people who might be more willing to listen and we see actually the apostles do this in acts 13 46 paul and barnabas are preaching in a synagogue and the jews and some leaders begin to fiercely oppose them and so they say since you’ve judged yourself unworthy of eternal life we now are going to turn to the gentiles they will listen of course that doesn’t mean that you give up any time there’s difficulty or resistance but it does mean you want to use your time effectively counseling is good labor you want to use it well so what are some proper expectations you want to set for someone in formal counseling now a lot of this i’m talking about is more formal counseling you might do this more informally with a friend or a family member so some of what i’m telling you might be a little adjusted but what are proper expectations for counseling that you want to communicate to someone when you’re committing to them i’ve listed a number of them here generally a good way to format your meeting together is weekly one-hour sessions this is not a hard rule but a good general principle over an hour oftentimes it’s hard for your counselors to focus under an hour it’s hard to get anything meaningful done meeting weekly is helpful because it allows you to consistently meet with a counseli help them establish new patterns of thinking and acting while also giving them time to actually apply it if you meet with them every day well you don’t have much time to see whether they’re implementing what you’ve taught or to have them do the homework so generally one hour weekly is good you want to communicate to your counseli that you expect them to actually meet with you consistently be there and be on time if this is a problem if a counselor keeps on canceling or to keep on showing up late that may show a lack of seriousness and you might even need to address that communicate also that you expect them to do homework just like i’ve kind of expected you to do in this class your one hour meeting is not a therapy session not just something that they do and then forget about it it’s also not the magic hour where all the change happens it’s just guidance i think i’ve said something very similar to this course i’ve kind of tried to model counseling for you even in the way i do this class the one hour time is just guidance to direct them in the process of change as they pursue the set of means that you’ve encouraged them to take hold of church fellowship bible reading prayer the preaching of the word and the homework homework is really where the magic happens then you want to stress your importance to the counseling of doing the homework if they are not willing to do the homework if they keep coming up with excuses only only partly do the homework that is a problem and it may be an indication that they’re not serious not serious about changing you want to be understanding of unexpected life events tragedies crises that come up in their lives but don’t simply excuse they’re not doing the homework oh you know yeah you get a lot going on so i guess we won’t worry about the homework no the homework is important that’s where they’ll get lots of reinforcement and further instruction and direction beyond what you’re saying in the counseling hour tell them you expect them to do the homework and to do it completely also expect them communicate your expectation that they be in church and being a good church i’ve learned this the hard way one of the counseling couples that emma and i worked with in california didn’t go to a good church they didn’t go to our church and it was so much harder because you end up trying to basically unteach some of the things that they’re learning in a not so good church or if they’re not going into church at all they’re missing out on a major means of grace a major extra way for them to grow spiritually tell them that you expect them to attend church if you’re going to counsel them you expect them to attend church and attend a good church how do you know it’s a good church best way to know have them attend your church that way you can say i know you’re going to a good church and that gives you extra opportunity to observe and interact with them and even serve them so say hey i’d love to counsel you but one of the things that i need for you to do if i’m going to do that as i need you to attend my church again if they’re serious this shouldn’t be that big of a deal but it is important even if it’s not your church that’s probably the best way it needs to be a good church a church that you can be confident in another expectation communicate that you would like to assess the direction of your counseling after six weeks it’s not good for counseling to go on forever you may be tolerating a lack of commitment or getting a person reliant on you as the counselor rather than on christ so communicate hey i’m i’m committing to you i want to work with you let’s see how we’re doing after six weeks and then see if we need to adjust something or address something generally informal counseling a little different from discipleship you don’t want to go past 10 sessions that’s not an absolute rule but there’s usually an issue there’s a problem if there’s no change after 10 weeks of meeting and doing the homework so inform your counseling upfront that you are committed to them but you want to do this wisely and allow both you and them to assess the progress after six weeks what about payment should a counselor expect payment for his counseling two schools of thought on this some say you should accept payment or even ask for payment first corinthians 9 14 says ministers of the gospel should be fed by the gospel this is true of pastors right why not true biblical counselors this is hard work you have to put in a lot of preparation you should get something for it and people will take you more seriously if there’s money involved don’t charge an exorbitant amount but if they’re going to commit have them show that and being willing to pay for it that’s one school of thought then another school of thought is don’t accept payment at all yes ministers of the gospel can exercise the right to be fed by those who they minister to but remember paul gave up that right for the sake of the gospel he says i don’t want this to be a stumbling block to you i will i will do anything to let anyone not take this reward from me which is to give the gospel without charge it does help you gain trust from your counselees when you’re not doing it with money involved they don’t have to suspect oh is he just doing this for the money it also gets away from a more clinical model to a more church oriented model if we’re ministering to one another in the church we’re not expecting payment for it are we just generally in the body it’s more like a medical clinical model say yep okay you gotta pay my doctor’s fee and then i’ll see you there’s also some legal protections in not asking for money some states if you counsel and charge for your counseling they will not allow you to say certain things or you can be sued if you’re not charging money at all you have much more freedom at least before the law i will say also personally it’s been my practice not to charge any money for biblical counseling and even with the those i was some of my first cases as i was training to be a biblical counselor in california at least one couple i think multiple people said this but one couple was just amazed that i was not charging any money that we were not charging any money emma was counseling with me because they had been to a number of other counselors both christian and secular who all charged money and also said hey after a certain number of weeks like forget it i’m just done but we said hey we are if you’re committed and you show us your commitment we’re committed to you and we don’t want to charge they were amazed by that and so grateful for that so i don’t think it’s wrong i understand those who do take the approach of accepting payment but i favor and i would encourage you to informal counseling not to charge anything this is dr john street’s stance he’s the one who trained me in counseling this is also the organization acbc’s general stance association of certified biblical counselors i think it’s the best way two other clarifications that you want to give to your counselors clarify for them in your first session if not before what you can and cannot do for them it’s always good to find out from your counselors what they actually expect from counseling what do they expect to gain and most of them will say i want better circumstances i want a better marriage i want my spouse to come back i want my sibling to stop acting so evil towards me so not wrong desires but they’re not the best desires don’t get sidetracked by just taking on the council’s agenda oh that’s what you want okay i’m going to help you do it you can’t necessarily do what they want you to do and you’re not called to do so you want to communicate them communicate to them hey i’d love to see your marriage improve i’d love to see your spouse come back i’d love to see your sibling act in a better way and as you put together as you put into practice some of this council maybe that will happen but ultimately i can’t guarantee that i can’t change your circumstances necessarily but i can do this i can teach you how to be god’s kind of man or god’s kind of woman in the middle of your circumstances i can i can teach you i can help you i can guide you in following after the lord with joy and peace in the middle of whatever circumstances you find yourself in if the counsley is truly a christian and you want to give a little bit of reinforcing instruction on this they should be interested in this say okay all right i’m good with that but if they’re not then it’s not really profitable for you to counsel them bring out this expectation up front your counselor really wants to honor christ tell them that’s what you can help them do but you can’t necessarily change their circumstances and fix their problems finally if you’ve laid all that out and they’re still interested ask for an expression of commitment either or certainly verbally and maybe even in writing i’ve explained all this to you this is what we want to do are you committed to this are you ready to do the hard work of sanctification growing in christ are you willing even to go all out so that you can walk with christ and honor him in this area of your life it’s a sign if they can express this commitment that they are that they understand what’s going on and they’re serious and when you get them to verbally express that or in writing it’s something you can point back to if they start to not really apply themselves or to resist the counsel that you’re giving hey didn’t you say that you were committed to doing whatever the lord would require you to honor him in this area why is it that you’re not doing the homework or why is it that you you won’t do the thing that the bible calls you to do so it’s good to get an expressed verbal commitment and verbally commit to them say you commit to me i’m committed to you so lay out these expectations as you begin counseling pray make sure you’re ready have an exploratory first meeting and set expectations now from your first interaction with your counselling you also want to be doing something else and it’s the second part or the second step of the method and that is gain involvement gain involvement what does that mean well to gain involvement means to build a relationship with your counselor so that you put yourself in a position to help him actually build a relationship so you can actually help him that’s what gaining involvement is you want your counselling you need your counselee to trust you needs to let you be involved with his life you want to help him but you can only do that if he actually lets you be involved and interact with him there’s a statement that i heard in seminary it applies well to every kind of christian teaching and preaching and counseling ministry and that’s this people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care if you fail to gain involvement with someone you can speak eloquently and accurately about their spiritual issues but they probably will not listen because they don’t think you care they don’t trust you you want everything you do as a counselor to communicate to your counseling that you genuinely care you love them with christian love and this is what we see in the bible you know jesus was marked for his compassion for people matthew 9 36 matthew 9 36 seeing the people he felt compassion for them because they were distressed and disputed like sheep without a shepherd you need to feel compassion and you need to communicate that it motivated jesus to teach and to serve and it should motivate you too or look at paul when he’s talking to the ephesians before he’s headed to jerusalem and in prison for christ he tells them acts 20 31 therefore beyond the alert remember that night and day for a period of three years i did not cease to admonish each one of you or each one with tears that’s that would admonish which we’ve looked at before neutha to counsel or to speak to another person’s mind and he says i did it with tears i cared and i was communicating that to you every day or as he explains in first thessalonians 2 verses 7 to 8 first thessalonians 2 7 8 speaking about his ministry but we proved to be gentle among you as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children having so fond and affection for you we were well pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of god but also our own lives because you had become very dear to us you know first corinthians 13 says if you do the greatest christian service and don’t have love it counts for nothing it’s actually annoying your counseling will sense whether you really care and love them just like your children do right if you’re trying to do something spiritual but your heart’s not in it your kids will notice and other people will too you want to make sure that you’re gaining involvement with your counseling by communicating and actually having genuine care you want to become your counselor’s friend for how do we regard friends listen what proverbs says proverbs 27 6 faithful are the wounds of a friend but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy if you know someone’s your friend they may say something wounding but you say ah i needed that thanks you’ll regard the words of a friend actually another proverb says the same thing proverbs 27 9 proverbs 27 9 oil and perfume make the heart glad so a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend if you’re someone’s friend your counsel to them will be sweet you want to become your counselor’s friend this isn’t always easy now a lot of times especially if you’re not doing formal counseling you’re already that person’s friend just the reason why they come to you for counsel so gaining involvement is a lot easier but sometimes someone’s referred to you through someone else or you’re just getting to know a person and gaining involvement is going to take a little bit more time and if the person doesn’t have very many friends or we’re slow to trust people it’ll be even harder but you can’t do it especially as you communicate true love and compassion what are some specific ways you can gain involvement too many for me to list on the slide but i’ll just mention them to you these are just example ways how can you gain involvement gain trust gain friendship from your counseling be available you’re already going a long way to gain involvement when you say hey i’m ready to meet with you to speak with you and to help you be available also show tangible compassion if they have physical needs meet them do what you can to meet them serve your counselies speak words of sympathy and understanding remember true compassion is always moved to action they should see your compassion in what you do for them also take your counseling seriously don’t minimize his problems but do maximize christ’s supremacy and sufficiency through those problems and over those problems persuade your counsel do not simply seek to manipulate or order around your counseling and we see a good example of this in the book of philemon in a somewhat comical way paul says i could order you what to do as an apostle but instead i appeal to you because i know that’s much more effective express confidence in your counsel’s ability to change and obey christ by faith i know you can change by god’s spirit receive your counselies and object objections and disagreements without getting defensive this is a little little harder right hey i was willing to help you but now you’re getting upset with me forget it now you’ll gain involvement if you show patience through that and help them even when they they do have questions and objections adhere to principles of confidentiality with your counseling but explain the limits obviously counselors will not trust you if they think that you’re going to share what they consider their deepest and darkest secrets yet you should not simply say oh i’ll tell no one because you can’t commit to that it might be necessary and edifying for you to discreetly share some information that your counselor shared with you with someone else like in a matter of church discipline or in a matter before the law so a good way to explain it to your counselor is to say if they’re pressing you to be confidential i will be as confidential as the law and the bible allows i’ll respect your desire for privacy be honest and open with your counseling about yourself your credentials as a counselor why should they listen to you not because you’re so great but just because you’re a servant of christ who’s become trained by god’s grace be honest about your own struggles and overcoming sin and struggle by faith in christ hey don’t think that i’m totally perfect but i have grown that’ll be encouraging to your counseling be honest about your values and convictions be honest about your agenda your goals and your methods and counseling you don’t have to keep secret as if you have to keep all your cards hidden for what you’re going to do with your counselling you’re like no this is what i want to do and this is why i think this would be helpful for you be transparent with what you want to do in counseling that’ll help you gain trust model the fruit of the spirit to your counseling that’s a way to be winsome communicate clearly appropriately and helpful to your counseling listen well to your counseling be solution oriented to your accounts for your counseling and pray with your counselly and for your counseling both in the session and outside of the session in my counseling i always open in prayer and then i pray with my counseling at the end i pray and the counseling prays we get some of all these examples of gaining involvement with the simple truth for the simple exhortation to love your counseling god’s love is powerful and so when you love someone with god’s love it makes an impact on their heart they open up to you you know it’s kind of interesting when i first started biblical counseling another counselor said to me you know many of my best friends today are people that i counseled which kind of makes sense when you’ve shown love in such a tangible way to people and they’ve really opened up in their lives with you when you finish counseling you find that you’re good friends and you should find that to be the case too as you counsel and help one another counseling is one of the most loving acts you can do especially when someone is facing a real crisis so number one begin counseling number two gain involvement a third and very important step in how to counsel is number three gather data now i’ve stressed this one to you already in this course by quoting to you two proverbs i probably mention all the time when it comes to counseling proverbs 18 13 proverbs 18 13 he who gives an answer before he hears it is falling in shame to him and proverbs 18 17 proverbs 18 17 the first to plead his case seems right until another comes and examines him if you’re going to speak knowledgeably skillfully and helpfully to someone’s inner man issue you need to gather data first and lots of it you’ll prove yourself to be a fool if you say ah you don’t need to tell me i know what’s going on you will give an effective counsel and i’ll wait for that just a second again this is the model that we see prescribed for us even in the new testament first thessalonians 5 14 first thessalonians 5 14 says we urge you brethren admonish the unruly encourage the faint-hearted help the weak be patient with everyone notice how the approach changes depending on the type of person in the situation he’s in how do you know which one you need to do you’ve got to find out you’ve got to gather data and information and jesus did this very well did he not consider the different ways he spoke to nicodemus as compared to the samaritan woman or the pharisees or his fellow minister john the baptist or the rich young ruler or mary or martha ephesians 4 29 ephesians 4 29 says that if we’re gonna we always should speak in an edifying way according to the needs of the moment what are the needs in the moment again you won’t know and you won’t be as effective as you could be unless you find out you need to gather data what kind of data should you gather all kinds i’ve listed some examples here example categories physical data how’s your sleep tell me about your medications what’s your diet like what are activity levels illnesses injuries you have or have suffered resource and relational information job and school situation your social situation your family situation emotional data feelings attitudes emotional extremes your personality action data what’s the behavior then what sins of a mission or commission have occurred conceptual data what are your goals your values your desires your motives and historical data notable experiences successes failures problems in the past and present for your counselee i want to find out a lot of information and how do you do this how do you gather this data well first there is the mighty pdi the personal data inventory if you’ve never heard of that i understand because it’s something usually only biblical counselors talk about what is this it is a form that counselors often ask their counselors to fill out before beginning formal counseling i’m going to include one in the follow-up to today’s class you can you can see an example what this form is it can be two pages or four pages it’s a number of blanks and questions that just help give a whole lot of data background data to your counselor or to the counselor many questions like the ones that i just mentioned to you and the categories that i’ve listed on the slide this is a very helpful tool it already allows you to go into your first counseling session with some idea of what’s going on and what kind of new data you’d like to gather okay you know they mentioned that they’re dealing with this and i see that they’re on several medications i’m need to find out more about this and see when they started this and whether that corresponds at all to the development of their problems or i see that they’ve listed even though they’ve told me that their marriage is having trouble i see on his pdi he’s listed anxiety as a major issue this could be connected to the interpersonal problems that are going on in the relationship he’s got something else going on in his heart so helps you figure out what kind of questions you want to follow up with now i understand that pdi is kind of a formal tool and maybe not something that you feel comfortable asking another person in the church to do hey you know i want to meet for you know one-on-one counseling here’s this big form i want you to fill out actually it’s not that big but i would even encourage you to use it even for informal counseling it’s just such a great and efficient way to gather lots of data say hey i know this is a little weird but could you fill out this form for me it’ll help me a lot in trying to help you but even if you don’t use the pdi you would still do well to find out the same bits of information that usually are on a pdi where do you live what medications do you take have you ever been in counseling before either secular or biblical how did that counseling go did you implement the council why or why not what do you expect me to do for you as a counselor and many other type questions again whether you use a pdi or not the main way you’re going to be gathering data is by asking many and good questions you have to ask a lot of questions ask questions extensively a little bit about a lot tell me about this tell me about that tell me about this and also i ask questions intensively a lot about a little you mentioned this tell me more usually the way this works in an actual counseling situation is that you ask a number of broad questions and then when answers indicate something important or relevant you drill down more oh you you mentioned that you don’t have a good relationship with your father tell me what happened or you you say that you’ve really changed in your spiritual life over the last two months tell me what started that you can drill down further when you’re asking questions you certainly want to ask questions that establish facts how what where when what for how often but you also want to ask open-ended questions much better than yes or no questions a closed yes or no type question be something like do you want to get married and that doesn’t give you a lot of data better is to ask what are your thoughts about marriage that will reveal more of what your counsel is really thinking try to use open-ended questions and ask specific questions not vague questions and don’t settle for vague or general answers as my counseling teacher dr street like to say you’ve got to get people out of vaguesville and fuzzy land so they give you a vague answer to say can you be more specific and make sure you understand their answers don’t just assume you know exactly what they mean if there’s some question one of the best questions you can ask as a counselor is what do you mean by that what do you mean by that you said this what do you mean by that now as you ask all kinds of questions and listen to all kinds of answers and by the way you should explain to your counseling beforehand this is part of gaining involvement that this is what you will be doing you’ll be asking many questions it’s because you just want to get to know their situation so that you can help them as you’re doing that you want to be taking notes otherwise you’re just not going to remember the information that your counselors are telling you take notes physically and immensely and again tell them hey i’m going to take notes this is just so that i can help me think through what you’re telling me and so i can minister to you in an effective way take notes physically also mentally and mark important areas for further questioning oh they just said something really important let me highlight that in my notes look for patterns significant statements habits we’ll say more about that in just a second also you want to make note of your counselee’s countenance not all of the information has to be spoken directly to you by the counselee what information does it give to you non-verbally are you by his posture his expression size tears now be careful about non-verbal cues they are easy to misread but it is part of the data that you’re gathering something non-verbal sticks out note it one other reminder as you ask questions be careful not to betray horror disgust or judgment no matter what your counseling tells you people will tell you shocking things in counseling and this is something that i definitely experienced in my counseling when i first started i couldn’t believe some of the things that people would admit that’s what you think about your spouse or that’s what you did even after i just counseled you i’m a little more used to it now we should never not be shocked and to some degree by sin but remember what you’re doing remember what you’re there for you’re there to try and gather data in order to help your counselling overcome sin and follow christ if your countenance betrays judgment or disgust of your counseling you will probably lose involvement before you get the chance to really help your counseling so don’t betray your shock that you can admit i’m really sorry to hear that now asking questions is your primary way to gather data but there are some other ways i mentioned looking at non-verbal cues but you can also get information from others aside from your counseling but be careful about this don’t get information say from the counseling spouse or from other friends of the counseling without telling your counsel ahead of time that this is what you’re going to do hey i’d like to ask some of your family members about the situation unless uh there’s something that was totally public like a crime you don’t necessarily have to ask permission or inform your counseling but that’ll prevent some misunderstanding between you and your counseling you can ask others you can also give your counselor your own perspective based on what he’s telling you and invite your invite his feedback whoa here’s what i hear you telling me is this accurate that’s a good way to get further data you can observe your counseling outside of the counseling session like if you go to the same church you can listen to the prayers of your counseling in the counseling session that can reveal the heart people often pray for what they think is most important and you can also use certain homework homework for data gathering like journaling now for this class i’m not requiring you to show me your journals but when you’re working in a relationship with a counselor that actually is something that you can do say i want you to journal and then i’d like you to turn in a copy of that to me so that i can look at it and understand the situation more now obviously if you’re asking lots of questions you need to make sure that you listen well to the answers in the flesh people are naturally not good listeners but you need to be as a counselor for christ if you’re going to by god’s grace uncover your brother or your sister’s heart and minister the gospel to it need to be a good listener here’s certain items that you should listen for definitely listen for market if your counseling if you detect it in your counseling listen for blame shifting words like i can’t i’m unable it’s too much a victim mentality using medical terminology to describe sin i have this sickness this illness this disorder listen for hopelessness listen for rabbit trails that are getting you off of the the main issue you might have to point that out to your counseling and get them back on track listen for evasiveness listen for exaggerations which is really a form of lying if not used rhetorically listen for defensiveness listen for their judging other people’s motives i know why my spouse did this and that’s why i resent it how do you know that listen also for a willingness to accept responsibility and everything you listen for has to be negative listen to what they don’t say sometimes the silence tells you a lot and as you listen make sure that you’re listening with kindness focus and patience don’t interrupt don’t jump to conclusions don’t let your mind wonder don’t do distracting things don’t allow your counseling to waste time with rabbit trails don’t hesitate to ask for clarification when you don’t understand and when counseling more than one person together don’t allow one person to dominate the conversation you’re counseling a couple and only the husband speaks or only the wife speaks don’t let that happen you might need to as dr street reminded us many times you might need to use the word whoa a lot in counseling whoa let’s pause for a second you indicate that there’s something important in the conversation that you need to address before the conversation get back on track don’t be afraid to say whoa now when in the counseling process do you gather data well all throughout but most of it the majority of it should be at the beginning in your first few sessions actually your first session together is mostly just to gather data you do want to give a little bit of instruction and hope as you communicate expectations but you really are just trying to find out about the situation maybe 30 40 minutes of your counseling session is just you asking questions most of your data gathering is in the beginning it’s kind of like if you can imagine a graph i wasn’t able to put one in here but if data gathering starts at the top of the graph in the beginning it gets less and less as the counseling goes on whereas giving instruction gets more and more as the counseling goes on that makes sense right because as you’ve gathered the data then you’re actually able to communicate what they need data all by itself doesn’t do anything however you got to do something with it and that’s our fourth and final step today you need to interpret the data we need to interpret the data just like christians often misunderstand the bible by moving too quickly so christian counselors can misinterpret people and their spiritual needs by failing to take the proper time both to gather data and to think through it to come up with an interpretation of what’s needed we see a good biblical example of this in first samuel chapter one first samuel chapter 1 verses 12 to 18. this is the story about hannah and eli remember eli that man of god high priest of israel he saw this certain woman acting strangely near the tabernacle it’s one of those times of year that families come to sacrifice to god so families are probably feasting eating and drinking as they enjoy their sacrificial portions and this woman has come after dinner time probably at evening she looks like she’s in hysterics she’s sobbing uncontrollably she’s also doing this weird thing where her lips are moving but she’s not saying anything remember people at that time mostly prayed and even thought out loud not silently so eli high priest observing this data in the surrounding circumstances and he comes up with an interpretation of what’s going on the woman is drunk she is a drunkard and so what does she need a reproof against drunkenness which is what he gives her eli did gather some good and true data but it wasn’t enough hadn’t done enough data gathering and his interpretation applied some assumptions that were not necessarily justified oh you know she’s just another one of these women of israel drunk doesn’t really care about god just here for the sacrifice and the feast he’d spent more time gathering data before offering his solution spent more time thinking through it he could have ministered to her in the way that she needed and she gives him some of that extra information he would have discovered that hannah was not a worthless woman but a woman sorely distressed as she says by childlessness and even the provocation of another wife she didn’t need reproof she needed consolation and encouragement and that’s really what eli gives her once he figures out oh oh okay this is what’s going on oh okay may the lord grant your partition go in peace as biblical counselors we want to make sure that we don’t make that mistake that eli did or try and avoid making that mistake i want to make sure that we’re interpreting people and their situations rightly so that we can minister to them in the way that they really need how do we do that well let me give you some ways first of all again we need to pray just as we need god’s help interpreting his word we need god’s help understanding and interpreting people he’s the god of all insight it makes sense to ask for his help and depend on him second we need to make sure that we’re supplying as our authoritative standard and set of background assumptions what god says in his word we need to be operating from a biblical perspective not interpreting people according to our subjective opinions and preferences but rather what god says trustworthily in his word bring to mind the truths we’ve talked about in these sessions that come from the bible as to why a person does what he does what is the state of people in the world we want to run through or run a person’s behavioral responses thoughts attitudes desires values expectations motivations all the things that we’ve gathered as data we want to run them through the sift of god’s word see if we can discover the most fundamental of questions what is going on in this person’s heart what’s going on in the heart what’s the theme what’s the heart theme what does my counselly really value in his heart maybe even as a lust or an idol you’re looking for patterns in the gathered data that’s what’s really going to point you to the heart are there typical behavioral responses in certain situations typical thoughts typical attitudes typical interpretations from my counseling of what’s going on typical longings typical desires typical demands these are going to point to what the heart really values will be greatly helped in this process if we continue to use biblical labels and descriptions of what we see i’ve stressed this already to you in this course remember labels suggest what labels suggest solutions so use biblical labels don’t think in terms of codependency but fear of man and love a man’s approval don’t think in terms of eating disorders but idolatry to body image or pleasure or a lack of self-control or an extreme desire for control sometimes that’s where an eating disorder comes from of course pay attention to organic factors that may also pop up in your data gathering could physical issues be contributing to this inner man struggle and if so how once you’ve detected some patterns want to be prayerfully formulating an interpretation of the nature and causes of a person’s problem grounded in scripture of course begin to say all right how does this fit together what’s a proper explanation for what’s going on from a biblical perspective you can use your own experience as part of coming up with this interpretation and some of the experiences of others after all first corinthians 10 13 does say that every temptation is common to man so you will see repeat situations but remember that people are sometimes a little different your experience may not actually explain what’s going on don’t just say i’ve seen this before i know what it is remember what eli did remember what job’s friends did don’t just assume even as you bring in some of your own life experience come up with an interpretation actually come up with multiple interpretations say all right here’s one explanation of what’s going on but what’s another possibility here’s another explanation for what’s going on which of these better fits the data come up with multiple interpretations and once you brainstorm these test them test their accuracy and strength review the data again to see which explanation has the most and the least support seek input from others another counselor or mature believer here again is why i say you want to be careful and how you articulate confidentiality you might go to another counselor and say hey i’m trying to help someone right now who has this this data what you think is the explanation that makes the most sense so you can be discreet about it don’t have to give names and super personal details and you can get help get help from somebody else and then oh yeah if you don’t see further need for revision actually present your interpretation to your counselee ask for his feedback my brother i’ve been considering everything you’ve shared with me and what i’ve observed in our sessions together and praying about it thinking about it according to the bible and here’s what i think is going on in your heart what do you think he may give you some helpful feedback he may resist it if you see that there’s something that he mentions that say oh okay i didn’t consider that be ready to revise your interpretation adjust as needed you you’re testing it you formulated it and you’re testing it you’ve compared the data you look for patterns come up with the interpretation and you test it and then once you’ve sufficiently tested it and you feel validated in the interpretation you come up with well then it’s time to actually formulate a strategy of how to address it i think we understand what the problem is you love marriage too much or you think that god has mistreated you or you feel like you can’t trust god you’ve said that to me and i see that now from our our times together here’s how we’re going to seek to address that issue of the inner man formulate a strategy to help your counselling overcome his heart problems present this to your counseling clarify him the issues you think you need to deal with the best order to deal with those issues and the manner and methods that you will use to help him we’re going to talk about this and this is the homework i’m going to give you and this is why i think it’s going to be helpful to you and as you begin to implement your solution you may still need to continue to revise your interpretation and your proposed methods of helping you may find that there’s a different heart issue or a deeper one don’t be afraid to adjust even to go back to the beginning if need be it’s humbling when we misinterpret but god is still the powerful illuminating god even if you need to adjust your interpretation you can continue to show your counseli that you’re serious about helping him change and confident in god’s grace to bring it about you know we were thinking this before but i think from what’s happened now it’s more this and so we’re going to adjust our approach that’s fine that’s fine to express that your confidence in god will help your counselor have confidence too even when you need to revise your approach now what will be your main tool in bringing about these heart solutions for your counseling well instruction instruction from the word of god this is what biblical counseling is right at its core it’s instruction that’s the fifth step in our method and what we’ll pick up with next time know that was a lot of information hope you find that helpful again i’ll send an email follow up with us the notes from the slide after in the afternoon well that’s all the time we have today let’s close in prayer thank you lord thank you lord for your sufficient word thank you lord for the equipping even practical equipping for how to help one another in a focused way of discipleship lord raise up equip use your people here at calvary as counselors to one another in jesus name amen thank you